Started writing a letter to mum this morning. I won't give it to her. Its more to get out feelings I have - mum and I had some struggles, as do all mothers and daughters, they were never resolved. I will burn the letter when she dies to offer it up to her. I feel sad, I haven't finished it, but it was enough to start the feelings going. <p>I'm also writing a letter to the Agency I went to with my H for marriage counselling (before I found out, but he was having the A then), the counsellor there told me it was "my problem". Looking back if the counsellor was as good as he made out he would have probed my husband for an A. Things could have been different, although maybe not. This has also made me sad. I asked for help and was betrayed. <p>I'm just a sad girl today. I'm going to drag myself out tonight, somewhere anywhere. Got a full day tomorrow too. <p>I've not heard from H, he may be giving me space (to deal with mum) or maybe he just doesn't give a ****ing **** about me which I think is probably more true these days. <p>I'm loosing hope we will ever fall in love again. I've changed so much, he's treated me so badly. I'm starting to enjoy my semi-independent life and making plans for the future. I look at other men and wonder what life could be like with someone else, or would I end up in the same situation. I never thought my H would do this to me, so whose to say another man wouldn't? How would I ever trust anyone again. <p>Anyway this is still some time away. I have to deal with mum first and foremost. Everything else will just have to wait.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>I never thought my H would do this to me, so whose to say another man wouldn't? How would I ever trust anyone again.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Liz - just as "just friends" is universal among WSs, your thoughts are universal, I think, among BSs. Please take some comfort in knowing you're "normal."<p>If you were closer, I'd invite you over to pound nails with me this weekend to work out your frustrations (I'm putting in a hardwood floor). So, how 'bout a dedicate a few nails to you?<p>WAT

I'd like that WAT, please bash a whole bunch of nails for me. I'm out and about but still pretty loneyly and pathetically "pining' for H. I'm hurting again that he's done this to me, dosen't seem to care. He hasn't called or anything. He had promised that he would see me every weekend when he moved out. How stupid I was to believe him. IT was just an excuse to get me off his back and really don't think he does care.<p>I'm hurting that mum is leaving me too. She's leaving and I need her.

I know, Liz - once again, you're normal. The double whammy is certainly unfair, but you can do it. If I survived, so can you. If I can thrive, so can you. And i'm only one person here - you've noticed all the rest.<p>Bottom line - you WILL make it.<p>Off topic, my Aussie au pair's Dad is arriving this weekend from Canberra for a visit. He arranged to purchase a Harley (NOT the MB version [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) right from the factory here and he's gonna cruise around the country before shipping it back to Aus. I'm not a biker, but I admire his sense of adventure.<p>Keep your chin up.<p>WAT

Thanks for checking in on me.<p>See, Aussie's are very adventurous people. We have to be with all this land and water around us! I hope he has a fantastic time. You've got to do stuff like that, its good for the soul.<p>No change with mum. I feel awful. I want her to die now, I can't bear to see it, to go through it, but I think it will take a while. She is a stubborn woman and I don't think she is going to give up easily. Dad says she not in pain, that she's comfortable. <p>Now my dad has started on the 'my days are numbered' business. Apparently the priest told him that its common that the waiting partner dies first. I could'nt believe what I was hearing. I don't want to hear my dad talk like this. I don't want to think of the possibility that dad will go too. We finally heard from my brother so at least he knows.<p>I sent H an update today, very short, very brief. I don't know if he will contact me. He hasn't contacted me in days. That hurts very much. I feel discarded, used, unwanted. I am trying not to contact him too often. I am leaving it up to him now, is this the right thing to do? My heart aches not hearing from him. I desperately want to hear from him.<p>I doubt there is any hope for our relationship. I've thought about it a lot, and the thought he's had sex with her and god knows who else turns me off. Its not that he's been with another woman its that he gave his 'love' to someone else. That he lied about being married, that he just trash me and our relationship. I regret so much that this has happened. I've lost so much. I just want to get through this. I want the pain to be over. I want to feel happy. I feel like I'm in limbo, just waiting. Waiting for mum to die, waiting for my husband to decide either way. Waiting for something good to happen. <p>I'm sick of waiting. <p>Just got an email from H he says he's dropping by tonight. He needs money. He was supportive re mum and I even got a 'lots of love'. I'm tired of all this, its all manipulation. I want real love, but its not coming from anywhere at the moment.<p>Anyway, going to a talk about Grey Nurse sharks on Friday - I joined a Dive Club on the weekend, so maybe I'll meets some new friends, there's a BBQ afterwards (of course, we're in Australia!) and drinks, so I'm looking forward to that.<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Hey Seahorse!<p> Sending out lots of LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEE, LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE!!
I'm sure that probably does not hit the spot but I'm trying to be creative here.<p> I'm sorry about your mum. I know the waiting is hard. We waited for a long while with several of my family members. Have hope in your Dad. My grandfather passed away 7 years ago and my Grandmother is going stronger than ever at 97. Her Dr. is concerned because she may out live her pacemaker. Her pacemakers days are numbered- she will need a replacement in the next couple of years. What should she do? She needs a new knee also but won't get one. She says what's the use? The operation would probably kill her and she has a few more years in her yet.
Your dad may surprise you. Does he have friends. He should get active in a club or church or something. Hopefully friends and family will keep him busy. Do you have retirement homes downunder? Not a nursing home but kind of like a condo complex where older people live and socialize together. my parents want to go to one when they get older. You should check it out.<p> I know how hard it is not hearing from H. My H called my SIL and spoke to his friend today. Said he wouldn't call or e-mail me. He's coming home on Wednesday. I stopped contacting him through e-mail last week when I questioned his flight. I'm done e-mailing. Let your H get back to you. Meanwhile you need to get back to you. Do you have friends? Throw a party. I did on Friday and it was great. Some people knew but were not allowed to talk about my H except to act like he was coming home for a visit from school and everything was OK. He only came up a few time s in conversation. We were too busy cooking and playing games and listening to music, talking and of course drinking! If you can have a party just for the hell of it. It passes the time anyway.
Gotta go someones here! Hang in there!

Ok, I'm going to try to be brief, and I'll post on GQII because I need help understanding myself.<p>H came over last night. He was there when I got home from Yoga, I was immediately asked why I was so late, he's been waiting since 6pm. Well, dah, I've been doing this class for ages and the times haven't changed!<p>Anyway, he said, I'm going in 10 minutes. I gave him a hug, etc and tried to get him to stay. He got angry. I was mad, I dropped him at the railway station and said goodbye. I said I'd see him when I could, when I wasn't busy. I drove to the shops, not straight home.<p>He rang me later, "had I finished in the shower", etc, I said I wasn't in the shower I was "out", that's why I didn't answer the phone. Conversation ensued about where I was, but I cut that short. <p>We started to talk. I told him that I had been feeling like the relationship was over, that him not coming to see me was telling me it was over. He told me that his head was clearing (the fogs clearing?) and that there were still feelings there for me. He said that I was scaring him being so agressive sexually (which is amazing since I was always accused of being too conservative and there was never enough-now I'm the scary one!). I said that I would back off, but that there are parts of me that I've "discovered" and that aren't going away now I've found them.<p>He also said I was trying to control him. Granted, I did try to make him stay, but I desperately wanted to see him. I've learnt by reading 5 love languages, that my primary love language is quality time- altough I'm aware at the moment, that could be a result of what's happening in my life. I reflected his feeling that I controlled him and asked if he could point out exactly what I did to make him feel that way as I didn't know what I did to make him feel that way. I asked him to keep an open mind, that the past is the past and maybe he is expecting me to act that way. I told him right now I have no desire to control him.<p>He said that in 6 months he'd be back, that the feelings for me are coming back. I asked him if he had thought about what would happen if in 6 months he didn't want to come back. He said no.<p>OK, now to me. I'm confused. I love this man, no doubt he is the one, but I'm scared. Last week he told me that he'd come to see me "work permitting". Its not good enough for me. I don't want to be a "time permitting" wife. I want to be number 1 in his life-this is very important to me. I can see his father in him, work is number one because it pays the bills. Yes, that's true, but what about life? God, I don't want to end up like his parents, or mine for that matter-never doing anything or going anywhere. I'd like to take all the good stuff I see in marriages and make that mine.<p>Next, I'm guilty, I tried to control my husband over the years. Actually, I was unaware of it up until the time he started staying out late, or not coming home at all (Hello-Affair). So, I let go. I realised, fairly early in this disaster that I had no control and let go. Its been hard, but I believe I've done pretty well. Thing is, demanding to know why I was not home early from yoga or where I was when I didn't answer the phone, or why hasn't my sister been to see my mother or I'll come and see you "work permitting" to me, is controlling. If I'm guilty of being a control freak, then so is he. Thing is I can see it, he can't. He acts like he is entitled to act this way. I am not going back to this. I will not live like this anymore! I'm an adult, an individual and independent - I don't want to answer to anyone, not now, not in six months, or 6 years. I want to be two adults in a relationship that supports and fosters each other. <p>Respect. That's what I want. Respect for who I am, for my free spirit. For all the weird things I do and try. I don't want my spirit crushed again, don't want to be patronised or mocked for being who I am. That's why I wasn't happy in my marriage. I was pushed into the conservative mould, into being what my mother wanted, what he thought I should be. He fell in love with 'me' the girl who likes to have fun, but she disappeared slowly over the years fitting into the mould everyone else wanted. <p>This is it for now. If anyone can help me to sort this out in my mind, help. I keep looking around me and thinking life could be better. There are nice men around-it could be different, but would it really. How long before it ends up like this again - two year? after all the romantic stuff is gone, your left with the reality again. I'm scared to let go, to say "goodbye" to him and the old relationship, but I'm scared to have him back. I'm scared.

Awe Seahorse!<p> I'm right there with you. I'm scared too. I think you made some excellent points that I totally agree with. Some of which I have written down and will keep on my dash board so when I drive I will remember them. You said it so well i am hoping I remember to say all I've learned from you and MB. I fear I will be tounge tied or mute when my H returns. <p> i think it is wonderful that you asked your H exactly what it was you did to make him feel that way. He is trying to predict what you are doing and how you will react based on who you USED to be. Just like you are trying to read the old him. Neither one of you know each other right now. After being together for so long you think you know what the other is going to do. But not after this situation. You have to get to know each other again.<p> He said you were too agressive, when before you were too passive and conservative. I was the same exact way. I think I know now it was because my need for affection was not being met. I was also conservative because I was never with anyone else. So what I know I learned from him. I wanted to do whatever he wanted and was too embarrassed to suggest for a change because I was afraid it would turn him off or he would think I was a freak or too assertive which may threaten him. Now, as you have, I too have discovered new parts of me that are not going away now that I have found them. That statement is brilliant. It's another I wrote down and plan to tell my H. It probably floors your H and scares him as well. He will come to realize it is a gift he is very lucky to have the second chance of receiving. He is confused because he does not recognize the new you and can not predict what you will do. He is trying the control things but not getting the results he expected because you have EVOLVED.<p> Which brings me to your next wonderful point. You said "I can see it, he can't" Yes! Yes! Yes! That's right! You CAN see the big picture. You know all the possibilities of how this can work out. You are so much smarter than him right now. You are so much more grounded. When you are with him you have to realize that. Think of it as having a conversation with someone who is IGNORANT or has a stong opinion or view of something that is totally wrong (Like a racist or a biggot). If you have a conversation with some one who is not too bright (I'm not saying someone with a learning disability or retardation). .. But someone who may not be as enlightened as you are, you sometimes have to let some of the things they say slide because they really have no idea what they are talking about. I hope you don't take it like I am insulting your H or anyone who is a little slow. I do not mean to offend anyone. I have a hard time explaining it. But just try to think of it as your H is a little slow right now. You can't rip his head off and you can't educate him. You have to slowly let him learn on his own while you drop nuggets of loving info here and there. <p> A stupid example but ... You may be talking about the color blue with someone who has had a limited life experience. You may suggest bringing up other hues of blue. Oh, yes there are aqua and azure and midnight and cerulean.... And they'd say... There's no such thing!! There is only blue there are no other varations and that's that. Then over a while they see a crayon that says aqua, Wow! There is another blue, aqua, Then they hear someone talking about azure. They come to the realization that you were right. But you did not argue and cram it down their throat. You simply said something like "I'm sorry you don't believe in another form of blue, so we agree to disagree" or somthing like that. It's a dumb example but I know I have spoken with people who had limited insights or closed minds and you tend to let things go because they are just not ready to hear it yet. So, you can see it but he can't. You are so right!<p> I'll leave it at that for now. i've gone on way too long! I'm praying for you!
Forgiver

Awe Seahorse!<p> I'm right there with you. I'm scared too. I think you made some excellent points that I totally agree with. Some of which I have written down and will keep on my dash board so when I drive I will remember them. You said it so well i am hoping I remember to say all I've learned from you and MB. I fear I will be tounge tied or mute when my H returns. <p> i think it is wonderful that you asked your H exactly what it was you did to make him feel that way. He is trying to predict what you are doing and how you will react based on who you USED to be. Just like you are trying to read the old him. Neither one of you know each other right now. After being together for so long you think you know what the other is going to do. But not after this situation. You have to get to know each other again.<p> He said you were too agressive, when before you were too passive and conservative. I was the same exact way. I think I know now it was because my need for affection was not being met. I was also conservative because I was never with anyone else. So what I know I learned from him. I wanted to do whatever he wanted and was too embarrassed to suggest for a change because I was afraid it would turn him off or he would think I was a freak or too assertive which may threaten him. Now, as you have, I too have discovered new parts of me that are not going away now that I have found them. That statement is brilliant. It's another I wrote down and plan to tell my H. It probably floors your H and scares him as well. He will come to realize it is a gift he is very lucky to have the second chance of receiving. He is confused because he does not recognize the new you and can not predict what you will do. He is trying the control things but not getting the results he expected because you have EVOLVED.<p> Which brings me to your next wonderful point. You said "I can see it, he can't" Yes! Yes! Yes! That's right! You CAN see the big picture. You know all the possibilities of how this can work out. You are so much smarter than him right now. You are so much more grounded. When you are with him you have to realize that. Think of it as having a conversation with someone who is IGNORANT or has a stong opinion or view of something that is totally wrong (Like a racist or a biggot). If you have a conversation with some one who is not too bright (I'm not saying someone with a learning disability or retardation). .. But someone who may not be as enlightened as you are, you sometimes have to let some of the things they say slide because they really have no idea what they are talking about. I hope you don't take it like I am insulting your H or anyone who is a little slow. I do not mean to offend anyone. I have a hard time explaining it. But just try to think of it as your H is a little slow right now. You can't rip his head off and you can't educate him. You have to slowly let him learn on his own while you drop nuggets of loving info here and there. <p> A stupid example but ... You may be talking about the color blue with someone who has had a limited life experience. You may suggest bringing up other hues of blue. Oh, yes there are aqua and azure and midnight and cerulean.... And they'd say... There's no such thing!! There is only blue there are no other varations and that's that. Then over a while they see a crayon that says aqua, Wow! There is another blue, aqua, Then they hear someone talking about azure. They come to the realization that you were right. But you did not argue and cram it down their throat. You simply said something like "I'm sorry you don't believe in another form of blue, so we agree to disagree" or somthing like that. It's a dumb example but I know I have spoken with people who had limited insights or closed minds and you tend to let things go because they are just not ready to hear it yet. So, you can see it but he can't. You are so right!<p> I'll leave it at that for now. i've gone on way too long! I'm praying for you!
Forgiver

Thank you Forgiver, I am very flattered. Its funny, we have such similar circumstances (that lead up to the A's). I was frightened to act out fantasies with H because I thought he'd think I was cheap or nasty or something. Now I see that its him who really scared. Although he was my one and only (and he always had the hide to tell me I should go and sleep with other men so I would learn something) and he was with other people before me, I still think its him who isn't sure of himself. He dosen't like to try too much, and I agree with you, I think I closed up (so to speak!!) because the sex wasn't fun. Many times I tried to get him out of the house with it and he just refused, so why should I do what he wants? See what I mean, its about compromise. <p>I was thinking about initiating phone sex with him, but now I wonder if it will totally freak him out-he might think I've started a new business or something. What I don't understand is he was the one who acted out HIS fantasy, he looks at porn on the net and videos, so why is he scared of little ol me?<p>Today I received an award at work for 2002 Best Employee, so it was a real lift. Apparently a lot of my colleagues nominated me. It was very flattering and I really felt loved and appreciated. Everyone at work (most don't know about H) was saying its a turning point for me (they know I've had some kind of problem). I hope they're right. I hope I can keep going well with plan A. WAT said it seems to be going well. So I got to keep it up!

""""DAAA.... DADA...DAAAAA""""<p> That's suppossed to be trumpets blaring for you! Way to go Seahorse QUEEN of 2002!!! You are awesome. Isn't is weird how throughout all this crap, from time to time the good happens? Ride it for awhile girl! <p> I think your H may be scared of the new you. He is kind of taken aback. But like you said, you discovered new parts of you that are not going away. Those parts have been found and make up the new better Seahorse! Your H is so lucky to even have a chance with the new you! He better not miss it. Keep doing what you are doing as long as it makes you feel good. You are not hurting anyone, just becoming stronger.. that's what this is about.<p> I can not show my H the new sexual me since he hasn't been around to meet me. And the old me he tried to have sex with in Jan was feeling really rejected so not very experimental and definately not safe enough to take a risk.<p> When my H returns he still has STD. It taks 10 days for meds to clear it so i figure he has 10 days to catch a pek at my new buff body.... but no touch! PSYCH! I'm not sure if I can be intimate with him anyway. I won't know how I feel until I see him.<p> I'm horny as hell because it has been 3 months since the last 2 encounters and they wern't too hot due to the A just about uncovered. And I hadn't had any since August! So since August I've had sex twice!! Wow! That number really shocks me. This is the first time I've thought of it! Twice in 8 months! YIKES! No wonder I'm horny! <p> I tried phone sex with my H once. Seemed very successful. But have not done it since due to lack of communo. My H was shocked at what came out of my mouth. But he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit. So I can see where your H and mine are scratching their heads wondering where WE"VE been. We are showing another side that they can't handle right now. They were always the experienced ones in control. Well look what they have awoken within us! Watch out!<p> I think if I do have intimate feelings for my H, 10 days of teasing are in order!
I tried the phone sex figuring it was his need and what do I have to lose? He has already humiliated me. If I say this to him now over the phone no one would beleive him, I'd never say such things!! Wink, Wink, ... not the old me any way. I say try it! It's another way of doing a 180 on him. Keep his wheels spinning!<p> How are your Mum and Dad doing by the way? They are in my prayers as well.<p>
Until tomorrow!
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver, I can always count on you to bring a smile to my face! The more I think about it, the more I am sure my H may have an STD. Before he went to Bangkok we were having sex quite often (and he told a friend it was awsome, something he has NEVER EVER said about our sex life in all the time we've been together), but when he came back he was very defensive and has become more so each time I see him. I wonder if he told me to back off because he still has it? I do think he feels threatened too though. He can't work me out, and I bet he's worried about what I'm doing. He did say before he left (I was taking the Herbal Supplements) that he was starting to get worried. Maybe he thinks I have a disease!! No, he knows me. He knows there's been noone else.<p>Also, when he came back, he made a comment that many of the girls have diseases, etc. <p>Serves him right if he does.<p>Your H will be so hot for you after 10 days Forgiver!!! You should play up to that big time and make him suffer just for what he's done to you (sorry, I'm in one of those moods).<p>Actually I'm pretty sad and have had a bit of a cry tonight. Dad called me and told me mum is in a coma now. He is spending the night at the nursing home. I'm keeping vigil here. I've been lighting a special candle for her each night and one for my H-someone had a post about this and I thought it was nice-it makes you think each time you see them. Funny, mums candle burns solid, no flickering, its steady. H's, which is also a candle we had at our wedding, flickers and jumps around and even went out once-just like our relationship. If the damn thing goes out too often I'll leave it like that.<p>I wrote a letter to mum. Just resolving some things that were never resolved between us. I will burn it when she dies-as a symbol of giving it too her. I don't know what I will do with the candle. I might keep it to remember here and burn it when I feel sad and miss her.<p>I'm supposed to be going diving tomorrow, but all depends on mum now. I feel callous when I keep on living, but really, when your husband leaves you and your mother dies, life still has to go on, dosen't it? If I stop now, I will never get up again, so I just keep on living and hope I'm doing the right things, making the right decisions. life will continue and there will be more happy times and sad times. Life never promised to be a bed of roses, it was our parents that told us that myth.

Seahorse,<p> I'm so sorry about your Mum. If some of the items in your letter are things you wanted to tell your Mum, loving things , why not go to her in her coma and tell her anyway? They may be a comfort and what she needs to hear to let go. I know this is so hard for you. I lost my brother when I was very young- car accident- he lingered for three months in the hospital. I was only allowed to go to the hospital once. But he always had someone there. It is just a thought.<p> Your H may have an STD. Have you been checked? Please go if you have not. It could also be his guilt makes him distant. I found that with my H. He blamed it on school and stress.<p> I hope you have a good night and know I'm thinking of you.
Forgiver

Thanks Forgiver. I did go see mum and I tell her everythings OK and that dad and I will look after my sister and I love her and goodbye. She looks peaceful. It won't be long. I told her it was ok to let go now, everythings ok.<p>I went for a dive with friends yesterday (it was a holiday for ANZAC day). We dived the Grey Nurse Shark Dive, so I actually was swimming with sharks!! It was so "un-scary" they are real peaceful and curious-would have been a different story with Great Whites, but fortunately there were none there (that we saw anyway). Also saw a cuttlefish and lots of other fishes.<p>It was so wonderful, peaceful and something I'm glad I've done now. Sharks are great creatures!! There were about 7 ranging from 50cm to about 1.5mtrs. I was within 1 metre of a shark!!!

Feeling a bit low this morning, but have managed to pick myself up a bit. I went to the first social night of the dive club. Everyone was friendly and they had a talk about the sharks I dived with on Thursday.<p>I drove through the suburb where H now lives (I don't know his address) and I felt so bad. Its such a great place, everythings happening there. Its the kind of place I've always wanted to live. I feel envious, I feel mad, I feel discarded and used. I feel like I was just a piece of rubish that my H no longer needed and so left behind. I didn't deserve this treatment. <p>Everyday that goes by that he dosen't contact me makes me fall out of love just a touch more. Anyway dwelliing on this is not helping me. <p>Everythings the same with mum.

Seahorse,<p> (((((HUGS))))<p> It sounds like your dive club is alot of fun. It is very good for you to go out and be with other people. I know I love to go to the barn to be with my horse but I am the only one there and it is very lonely. So instead i go to gym and rockclimbing and kickboxing to be around people.<p> I know what you mean about not hearing from your H makes you lose a little love each day. My H said he would call everyday and then for 2 days he does not. Withdrawl, Withdrawl! -$-$-$. <p> Then he calls today, the first thing he says is sorry I didn't call I know I said I would but OW has been in the house for 2 days and he will not call me in front of her. Perhaps because he does not want her to hear his lies? Who knows what he has told her. Maybe he told her he was coming home to divorce me. What to believe. He said he would call me back in and hour. That hour has passed I bet I get a call a day from now and he will say. Sorry I couldn't call, she came home. Glad she has such an effect on you Hon! You spineless coward!!! Sorry, I venting again.
i know how you feel though.
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver and everyone.<p>Saw H yesterday. He rang in the morning and asked if he could come and see me. I said yes and picked him up. We had lunch and I was a good girl and didn't mention sex once (apparently I scare him now!), but we did and it was very nice!! He said that he was worried that I was going to have whips and chains waiting, I said no, but there may be a pole in the bedroom for dancing - remember that Forgiver!!<p>Anyway, I told him the shark story and he was suitably impressed. He tried to play it down, saying that I was always interested in diving and he wasn't, etc. But he asked lots of questions afterwards. I could tell he was impressed. I got him thinking...<p>We didn't talk much about the relationship other than him saying that he didn't know if the changes in me would last. I told him that if I were faking it, I couldn't keep it up forever so time will tell. He seemed happy with that. <p>HE's put on weight, he drinks a lot-he said "once I start I can't stop", he goes out a lot, then runs the next day (I can never understand this lifestyle, its seems self defeating). He's been there 3 weeks (I think) and he's already *****ing about his flatmates - they're untidy, etc. <p>He talks about work all the time-its boring. I wish he'd get a life!! I don't like what I'm seeing, people. I know this sounds awful, but the thought of going back to this fills me with dread. The man I fell in love with was vibrant and fun. I want that man back!! We'd go to the beach, we'd go on picnics, now he's 15 minutes from the beach and never goes - I'm 40mins and there just about every weekend.<p>I'm actually glad we're apart for a while, recovery would not work if we were together, because he is just so selfish right now. <p>He told me he'd been spending a lot of money on alcohol and he'd have to start cutting back. He said he missed driving the car. He said he didn't want to live where I am at the moment and that I had always tried to get him to move, and now he's just seeing the benefits. <p>He seems to talk "us". He talks about selling the house and moving and it seems to include me. I think he wants me, but he's scared, just like me. We both know we were unhappy and we both don't want to go back to that. I don't want to hate him. I'd rather be friends with him for a year than move back together now and hate him. He's my friend and I don't want to loose that, whatever happens.<p>I'm still confused about me. As time goes on, I feel stronger, more independent, yet still yearn a lot for him and the relationship. There's big changes happening inside me. I'm not the same person I was last year, last month or last week. I have a routine, I have new interests, I take care of business. I have new goals. <p>We were planning children, but that doesn't seem to be fitting into my plans anymore. I don't know how I feel about that.<p>I'm scared and excited all at the same time. Is this weird? Is it normal? Am I now truley in Plan A?<p>Another thing my H seemed impressed about: I bought tickets to see Destiny's Child and I'm going alone! I'm a survivor.......

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>So instead i go to gym and rockclimbing and kickboxing to be around people.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Kickboxing? Sharks? You two are scaring me! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Liz, seriously, it's clear you're growing and thriving and he's not.<p>Just don't burn yourself out.<p>By him telling you he's spending too much on drinking, etc., he may be reaching out to you. Just a thought - keep it in mind as you continue to do what you're doing.<p>Dave

Seahorse,<p>The same way an adolesence growing into maturity, it is very exciting and at the same time it is scary ... new found strength and new prospective will make you a better person. This is plan A all about.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>We both know we were unhappy and we both don't want to go back to that. I don't want to hate him. I'd rather be friends with him for a year than move back together now and hate him. He's my friend and I don't want to loose that, whatever happens.</strong><hr></blockquote>
When he talk about R, you might want to let your feeling out. Learn to talk to H and [i]train[/b] H to just listen. Make it safe for H to listen by making sure that you just need for him to listen, no judgement, no demand ... [i]no action needed from H other than listen (as a freind).<p>When both WS/BS realize that they don't want to go back to their old & failed relationship, it is very healthy. H needs to understand that people could change and you have demonstrated to H. You might need to help him out to get there ... be extra sensitive to his words and attitudes, he might try to reach you but don't know how yet. <p>You are doing great ... keep it up. -RH-

Thanks you guys!!! You are so encouraging - just as well because between Forgiver and I we can really kick some [censored] you know!<p>Seriously, I hadn't thought he might be reaching out, I'll take closer note next time and check it out (without taking over of course).<p>Bad news. Mum died this morning. I was at work, dad called in tears, I was so sad and worried about him. The one day I didn't drive to work...<p>Someone drove me home and I tied myself in knots driving back to his house (and yes I did speed, and I know I should be more careful at the moment, but I just wanted to get there). <p>When I got to the nursing home, dad was ok, it was me who was a mess. I went and saw mum, even though I was very frightened too. I've never seen a dead person before. This is the first time I've lost anyone close to me. I'm glad I went to see her, it finalises it.<p>The rest of the day I spent with dad. He called people and I made cups of tea.<p>I came home tonight as he was ok, he knows he can call me and tomorrow we are going to the funeral place to sort all that out.<p>I'm am so exhausted. My stomach is aching from being so worked up. I had a nice warm bath - I'm cold, I think I'm still in shock. I'm off to bed now.<p>I'm so sad, so very sad, bud glad she's in peace. At least I got to say goodbye and tell her I love her-many don't get this chance.<p>I told H he was sympathetic. <p>Going to bed now.