Well, Its day three of plan B, no call, not that I'm really expecting one, just wishing for one. He's skiing this weekend. I'm still very sad, but I'm getting over the guilt thing. I know I contributed big time to this mess, but when I look back, I tried to do things with him - he never would, I tried counselling with him - he lied to counsellor. I tried, but he'd given up. Its wasn't just me, I think he has his own issues right now, one being depression. If he needs others to make life fun for him there's a problem- I could help him but he won't let me, because he knows its hard work and he's scared of trying. If he loves me and not her, but can't give her up so we can work on our marriage, there's a big problem.

So I'm working on not feeling guilty,and knowing I did my best.

I wish the execution of plan B had been better (no LB's) but I can't change it now. I don't know what the future holds for us now.

I have nurtured myself this weekend. Friday night I went out with a friend and got this all out of my system. She went through a break up too, and she listens without judging.

Yesterday I layed in the sun (it was a beutiful winter's day) and played with my doggy whose been a bit neglected. I drank some wine and read The language of letting go that JR recommended. I can see it will help-its a good book.

This morning I went on a horseride for the first time in ages. They made breakfast and all. I am going to go back as I really enjoyed it and hadn't been for years. H would never go with me, even though he knew how to ride - he scared of the horses as one bit him once.

I am going to have a hit at the golf driving range today then have a relaxing spa and facial (home made) tonight (I'll need it after the horseride).

I regret so much I had to go to B, but there really wasn't an option left for me. I am so thin and things were going downhill fast. At least now I'm stabilising and I can concentrate on putting on some weight and getting (mentally) healthy again, without the mental abuse that H is inflicting on me.

I also have to work on selling the house. So sad, but again, no option.

Oh well.
SH

Hi Liz,

I am sorry that you are sad. But you don't have to be that way. I know that sad doesn't begin to cover how you feel. I know you are trying to do better.

Remember that while he is broken, you didn't break him. You may have been broken too, but you have been fixing yourself. There is not any more that you can do than that. You can't fix him ,he has to do that himself.

You are on the right road, I firmly believe you will find happiness. Don't give up on yourself.

SS

I week, no contact, not surprised. Busy weekend planned - facial, exhibition and diving. No time to think about him anyway.

I am starting to think about why I am hanging onto the R. I'm trying to sort it in my head. No doubt, I do love him, but if he dosen't love me and treats me this way, then what am I doing????

Only time will tell now...

Its amazing the number of women you meet that have been through this, know the pain but have survived and now have better R's. Everyone tells me I'm lovely and that there would be many men who would be with me. I just wonder if they will meet my expectations?

Anyway, this is jumping too far ahead. Babysteps, that's what its about.

{{Seahorse}}

You are doing just great!! I knew you would. the first few weeks of Plan B are the hardest. But after awhile it becomes a relief not to wait for an interraction. believe me I know it is hard. But also believe that it will get easier. Remember you are doing this to protect yourself and to protect the love you still have left for your H.

In reading over your posts before going into Plan B it makes me so angry to see the pain and suffering your H is putting you through. He was breaking you and making you doubt yourself and your strenght. Don't you ever believe it for a minute. Look at how far you have come since January. Ilove how you listed all the changes you have accomplished. It was wonderful to see. You can thank yourself for having the courage enough to do that and thank your H for screwing up so much it led you to metamorphasize into an even more beautiful woman! I am so proud of you and admire your courage and strength. I wish I had it to go a little further but my H gives me even less to go on than yours gives you.

Give plan B some time. You did an awesome plan A so this transition should be easier. The whole point is to protect you. Don't doubt yourself or your decisions. You have done everything right. Not many women could ever be half as strong and loving as you have been throughout this ordeal. Your strength will continue to gro as mine has.

You wonder as you take your babysteps if there ever will be anyone out there to meet you high expectations? Give the men out there some credit. You H was a wonderful compatable man for the happy years you had together but in the amount of time that has gone by and the amount of spiritual, emotional and intellectual growth you have gone through leaves your H in the dust. I have come to the realization that my H has issues of his own that he needs to acknowledge and resolve and he no longer is compatable with who i have become. As I said in my own post. I would rather start over with someone new who is a higher caliber of man than try to work through this with my H and put the resentment behind me. I am having a very difficult time wraping my brain around the fact my H has been living 24/7 with another woman for the past 10 months under the initial guise that they were just friends. He has been gone since the end of May, we are in plan B. He has sent me 1 e-mail about my horse and I am seeing lawyer #1 out of 6 tomorrow.
So hang in there sweetheart. I hope you do not end up like me. But my concern is that you don't beat yourself up too badly. You are a beautiful woman who should not have to spend one single day being sad. You deserve the most happiness anyone could have. It hurts me when I read your sad posts. I wish I could come see you and take your mind off it all. Someday I promise I will.
Love,
Forgiver

Good, ah, good......
I can never remember if it is today, tomorrow, or yesterday with you. Lets start over.

Greetings Seahorse,

I'm trying to think of some way to encourage you but perhaps you don't really need much now. You seem to be pretty even, but then, even when you have reported it that way, you have sometimes been down. If you are down, take comfort that we care. If you are up, laugh at me, I am having a hard time getting my fingers to type anything today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

If you really are finished, quit, but if not, just keep on with those baby steps.

I have not heard you speak of prayer lately. Hope you have not given up on it. He is still there, working on your behaf, I promise.

How is the house going? How is your Dad? Did you get through the problems at work?

Let me tell you a story - I lived in the same neighborhood for about 18 years when I grew up. A short time ago I visited one of the neighbors whose family are still good friends. He wanted to tell me a story. Paul was a pretty good man, but he worried if he was right with God. He said one day as he sat in his chair, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and there was no one there, but he could still feel the hand. He said he heard a voice, it was his brother ( brother had been dead for about a year.) Brothers voice said " don't worry Paul, just keep on doing what you are doing, you will be OK.

I had a very strong feeling he was telling the truth, that it really happened. I believe you will see your Mum someday, and it will be a happy time. I hope I don't make you cry. I am trying to help.

I say again, you will make it, I have faith in you. keep your head up.

See ya,
SS

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hello SS and Forgiver, I have been very busy this weekend. I have been for a facial (at a student clinic so it was cheap!), shopping, and then went for a dive this morning. I am now exhausted, because I did lots of cleaning and mowing lawns in between, and as I am the only one here to do it, its a lot.

I am in day 10 of plan B and doing lots of thinking as usual. My thinking is now - why am I hanging on? Its not that I do not love him now, its just that I am hanging on to someone who obviously has little respect and feeling for me, even though he says he loves me. I wonder if I should just allow my feelings for him to die now, along with all my dreams and hopes we had for the future.

I wish he would walk though the door now and say he's ready to work on our marriage, but I don't believe it will happen. Things he has said, done, I think he just wants out really, he's to afraid to say it and look like the 'bad person'. Today I even thought about Dv for a moment. But I have put that on the backburner for a little while yet.

Our house has doubled in price, so we should get a nice sum from it. Unfortunately I will not be back in the Sydney property market for a while on my wage, I'll have to work on that. I will not put it on the market for a little time yet - I'm taking it slow, partly to see if H will come back, partly because I'm too busy having fun.

I sorted my work problems, they're ongoing but its (again) about boundaries. I actually got regraded, which will mean I get a small raise, couldn't have come at a better time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My dad has finally booked his ticket to Scotland. He leaves on the 30th July, not long. I may be in his house when he returns in Sept, who knows?

I am going now, I'm very tired and want to rest.

I am still praying SS and have regular conversations with God about this situation and other things too. I remember to thank him for getting me through and thanks to all you lot too! I know mum's up there too.

Bye

Hello, feeling low today, mainly I think because I'm worn out from the weekend and my defences are slow.

I have cried today. I don't think H will come back. If he did want our M wouldn't he be back by now?

It makes me really sad, and I'm scared to have any R again. It really scares me. I'm having a little confidence crises. It should pass. I hope so.

Dad is booked to go to Scotland next week. I am worrying already about him.

Babysteps, got to remember babysteps...

It feels bad, doesn't it? One wants to talk with him, touch him, connect with him so much. <sigh>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>Hello, feeling low today, mainly I think because I'm worn out from the weekend and my defences are slow.

I have cried today. I don't think H will come back. If he did want our M wouldn't he be back by now?

It makes me really sad, and I'm scared to have any R again. It really scares me. I'm having a little confidence crises. It should pass. I hope so.

Dad is booked to go to Scotland next week. I am worrying already about him.

Babysteps, got to remember babysteps...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get to focus ... focus on plan B and let everything else run it own course. Interference may bring back WS but may never bring fullfiling M down the road.

Have a nice trip to Scotland ... beleive it or not there are several MBer out there too. A is race blind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

-RH-

Seahorse!

Hang in there! Redhat is right. Focus. You have to get your focus back. Keep living for yourself and do not waste any time, tears or energy on your H for just one day. I know it is really, really hard. But Plan B is supposed to preserve your love for your H and PROTECT you! By going over the "what if's..." you are hurting yourself and affecting the deposits in your LB. Which in one way will help you let go but on the other hand if you are not ready to start letting go, this pondering can really screw you up.

I know you are hurting, we all know and we want to take the pain away. But we don't know how and I guess it has to subside on it's own.

I believe in Plan A making me a stronger person who was ready to do whatever work necessary to save my M. I was CONVINCED my M would be saved and be better than before. I was not prepared for any other scenerio. Well, I have had to come to grip with reality and it has been very difficult. But in realizing that I can no longer take my H back because the task of rebuilding is too great after being hurt and neglected for far too long- I have begun to let Plan B take its course. To me my h died. The man I married is not the man who came home. I know it is the fog and he is completely derranged but I do not know who is is and it would be like starting over with a stranger at this point.

I'd rather take my chances starting over with a complete stranger rather than my H who has been insane for over a year. I am not a doctor and can not treat him for his mental illness he so obviously suffers from. The only thing that scares me now is when he does come back- I know some day he will- may be 2 years, maybe 5 or 10- how will I handle it.

Seahorse you have to live for you. You have been doing such an excellent job. But you really have to watch out for yourself and take care of yourself. You will have down days. I was hoping you would have less than you already have. I feel so sorry for you. I think because I had such limited contact with my H (8 e-mails, 5 phone calls and 11 days together in 1 year)it was easier for me to let go. With you and everyone else, you would see your H from time to time and talk to them on the phone. I see it now as prolonged torture. I'm glad I had the limited contact, it helped me grieve without having as many relapses.

Keep fighting Seahorse! Help your Dad plan his trip to Scotland (My roots are there!) Keep diverting your attention and energy. Join a cooking class or start another activity. Bellydancing has been over for awhile. You need a new project. Give me sometime I'll think of ideas. Did you get your permit yet? Go shopping for a motorcycle just for fun. Take some on some test drives!! That would be a fun day!
Take care!
Forgiver

Hey Seahorse!

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Hopefully you are having more up days. Your last post was kinda down. Did your Dad leave for Scotland yet? How is your house situation coming? Post a note when you can to let me know you are OK or how you are. I worry about you.
Love,
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver, just plodding on really. I have been very down, now I'm just angry! I don't like the anger much, however I've learn that its a signal business I need to attend to.

There has been no contact with H.

There has been no movement with the house (my decision - taking it slow).

Dad's ready to fly out next Tuesday. I arranged a 'meet and assist' for him - they basically hold his hand through the airport - so he won't get lost anywhere!! I worry a lot - he's 76, he hasn't travelled in 50 years and he was saying 'I'm not sure about this, I'm worried', which worried me - therefore the 'meet and assist'. Once he's there he has 4 sisters and a brother (that he hasn't seen since he left Scotland) so he will be pampered - I won't worry then, only that he may not come home again!!

Well, I'm off to see friends this weekend who have promised a movie and pizza - I'm looking forward to this simple, relaxing pleasure.

I've booked my holiday in Vanuatu in September. I feel a little guilty as our finances are still joint, but then I remind myself that he will get his fair share soon, and he's no slouch at spending money right now either. So I turn my back on that guilt trip.

The woman at the dive shop told me that out of 10 of us going 8 are males and there are eligible ones going. Although it will be nice to have some male company (as friends), the thought of a new relationship any time soon strikes fear in my heart!

I'm sticking to the diving, the cocktails and lying in the sun.

Hi Liz - sorry I haven't been around much lately, but i think of you often. A big ditto on your rationale for spending joint money. If you don't, he will. Have a great time!!

Dave

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>.... The only thing that scares me now is when he does come back- I know some day he will- may be 2 years, maybe 5 or 10- how will I handle it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When he regret his action ... you might have been taken ... I hope you are not waiting that long ... you become irristable mate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . For me I know that I would not even give her a chance to apologize (she could find HIM for forgivenes) ... I will be in plan C; move on, never look back & NC forever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SeaHorse:
<strong>.... The woman at the dive shop told me that out of 10 of us going 8 are males and there are eligible ones going. Although it will be nice to have some male company (as friends), the thought of a new relationship any time soon strikes fear in my heart!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should for now ... I am pretty sure there are many advances from males for both you & Forgiver ... but finish this one first before starting a new one. Have any dive pictures that you could contibute to MB Album ?. WAT have one while snorkeling ... -RH-

Hi everyone, I wasn't going to post today, but I think I need to vent. I am still struggling a bit, but I'm feeling generally better. I'm trying to forget the H of the past and remember that there is a new H in town and I have no loyalty or love for that person. I'm having bad dreams about it. I think my mind is playing out my worst fears - they wake me up at night.

I'm off to the Airport with dad soon, then I get the rest of the day to relax and I start my Bellydancing again tonight - I always enjoy that.

Work is so so. I'm still working hard with that one. There are a few people there who don't like to take 'no' for an answer and now that I'm standing up for myself I'm apparently 'snappy'. But its just a smoke screen and I won't back down on my rights.

I am starting to think more about my trip only 5 weeks now. I'm going to concentrate on that, and getting more quotes for the house.

Hi Liz,

If you think about it a little bit, there is no reason to hurry. Some days you think it is done, some days you wish he was back. You know it is recommended that there be at least a year after one relationship is over before another is begun. If you follow that recomdation, you have lots of time. Just float for a while, you don't need to swim like you have a place to be right away.

You know there will still be lots of bad days. All the hurt and anger won't just go away now that you are in plan B. He has really done a terrible thing, it does hurt. Some hurts take time to heal.

So, let plan B run it's course for a while, don't be in a hurry. You can't make him come back, and if it is over, you can't force healing to go any faster. You need the time either way.

I can see you are a lot of help to others here, keep it up. You have a lot of strength to share and I am glad you are willing to share it.

SS

Hi all, Yes SS I am moving slow. No deadlines, no need to rush. some dyas I am up (like yesterday) other I'm down (like today). Some days I want it all over with, others I don't know what I want. I just try to persevere through it all.

Today I was wishing so hard he would call, but this is what I asked for.

Up, down, up, down. God give me some peace.

BTW SS thank you. I am trying to help others, I don't know I always do, but they can choose to ignore what dosen't work.

I am having a busy week this week -will be meeting my diving buddies (for my holiday) on Thursday, then doing a telephone counselling shift on Friday night and horseriding on Sunday!!! YAY!!!

Just pushing on, trying, trying to let go as best I can

Hey Seahorse!

I've been thinking of you alot and hoping you are doing OK. I know this is hard. You have to give yourself time to heal. Believe me it gets easier. You start to remember things and notice situations in your relationship, with a new perspective. i guess it is that whole hindsight thing. In the beginning I thought we had the best relationship int he world, and in some respects we wdid. Now with the seperation, I notice things that were lacking or were just not right. That takes some time to settle in as well. But it gives you strength and the realization that Plan B is a good thing and it takes some time to work and heal. hang in there.

I have been thinking about you alot because a friend of mine is Down Under right now. He flew to Sydney and them went tright to Cairns. He is taking something called the OZ Bus down the coast back to Sydney. He is traveling alona and having a fantastic time. He wrote to tell me he has gone diving in the Great Barrier Reef, explored the Daintree National Rainforestand Cape Tribulation. He sailed on a boat for three days around the Whitsunday Islands and Airlie Beach. He was going on a bus to Dingo where he will spend some time on a cattle ranch and overnight horseback riding into the back country. After that he is not sure what he will do. He is just traveling down the coast and then once in Sydney , he will fly to New Zealand for more adventure. It sounds absolutely amazing. He said the weather and the people are beautiful. He is having an unbelieveable time. I wish I could have gone with him. I made him promise to scope out all the great things to do so when I go he can tell me where to go. Imust come and see you. Maybe next summer. He will be returning in early September from New Zealand. He has no real plans while in Oz so if you have any suggestions he has the time. He is very adventurous and outgoing so anything goes. I can't understand traveling alone but he does it all the time. He did say this would be his last solo trip since he really would rather share the experience with friends in person rather thatn retell stories. It does not do the trip justice. He was in the Galapagos islands for three weeks in July alone and now Australia and onto New Zealand. What a life! He is between jobs right now so he has this tiem for himself. He really took advantage of the situation!

Let me know if there is something he should do. Like I said, is Tuesday for me and he said he was going to Dingo to go to the ranch. I know you are a day ahead-right? Think of places along the coast he could go to and let me know!
This is a little project for you to do to keep you busy! THanks for your help!
Hang in there and know I'm right with you!
Forgiver

OK, Forgiver, if he's coming down the coast from Cairns there is lots to do and see. He's GOT to stop in Byron Bay when he gets to NSW. Its not far from the Qld Border and its where all the hippies live - there's also a place called Nimbin which is a real eye opener - if you're into Marijuana you will have a lovely time, but you don't have to do that, everyone's just who they are there - its all very relaxed, but then most of Oz is.

Byron is beginning to become commercial but it still has that charm. Some people sunbake nude and are very 'free', so if he's single he'll enjoy it. You can also grab great surfing and diving all along the coast - from Noosa to Sydney you can't go wrong really.

If he's in to diving then there are some great dives around there (so I'm told).

The Daintree (where he has been) is just beautiful. It is where the rainforest meets the reef. When you fly over it its green and lush, to sand, to green (of the water) to blue - its absolutely the most breathtaking site you will see (other than Victoria falls in Zimbabwe)

As he gets closer to Sydney there's Coff Harbour - more great surfing and diving.

Hmmm, there's also heaps of National Parks and things, I think you said he was into Rock Climbing and Hiking, so that should keep him busy.

Anyway, I'll look in my books at home and post again.

Starting at Cairns though, that's a hard act to follow, except when he gets to Sydney of course, its the most beautiful Harbour in the world, but then, I'm biased. Hey, we even had whales in it last week, what more can you ask for?

When he gets to Sydney he should climb the Harbour Bridge. I did that the day before D-day. I took dad and H, we had a great time and the view is fantastic. It costs about $150Aus to do, but its worth it.

You can also get a Harley ride from Sydney to the Blue Mountains, I really want to do that one day because its a really nice drive to the mountains and on a Harley it would be fantastic (especially as now we are heading into Spring and the days are just gorgeous).

We also have snow at the snow fields, but coming from the US, he may be disappointed - we only have a 1.5mtr base of snow and we're not really a 'snowy' country.

I'll be back with more.

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>