Thought I would start a new thread, other one is getting long.

To continue.........

Today, I am trying to understand why? I know, give up.

H had a hockey meeting a week ago or so. He calls me up, and says next year we (him and I) are going to put together a list of first aid stuff that should be in each puck bag. Also, we are going to talk to the coaches in a meeting about what they should and should not do if a player gets injured.

Does not make sense to me. Here I am, the wife, and he acts like I am his wife. Makes plans that include me as if we are this great couple that works together, and he has his girlfriend who he does fun stuff with. He never wants to do anything with me except a movie now and then.

I'm tired of trying to make ends meet, I'm tired of seeing transactsions for dinner or lunch on the bank statement, I'm tired of being the you know what because someone has to keep a handle on the money. I'm tired of the excuses he makes for why we don't do anything with his friends, or my friends for that matter. He does not want to. He has some dumb idea that we should keep these aspects of our lives seperate from our marriage. Of course I know that is because he wants to have OW with when he does stuff with his friends.

Tuesdays night ball, I can come to that. They all know about me, but don't know about OW.

I wondered to myself, what would all these parents think if they knew their kids coach was cheating on his wife? No, I am not going to tell just to ruin him.

A friend questioned how would he react if one of her sons played in the same ball leaque and was at the field when H was. That would be a shocker.

No, they would not do that. It is a good idea though.

Link to old thread
Strongly suspect

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

My birthday is Sunday, I get to spend it, serving SOS breakfast. I don't mind, it is to raise money for the food shelf.

What I mind about is that H signed me up without asking me. Are we going to do anything else? or is he going to call OW like he did on my last birthday. We went out to dinner. I found out he called her bacause I opened the cell bill that came in April. Happy Birthday to me, great present. It is what every wife wants to see, her husband calling the OW while they are out to dinner. What did I do to be treated so special. (insert extreeeeeeeme sarcasm)

I've been wondering if I should ask him to move to the upstairs bedroom. If I did that, I would have to explain myself. Maybe I will move to the upstairs bedroom. I will still have to explain.

I wish there was a way to do Plan B and live in the same house.

I've considered telling him what I know, and asking him to stay on as is while I finish school and pass boards. If I did that, would he then flaunt it in my face? I could not live with that.

Who is he ashamed of? Me? her? his R with her?

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

He is simply having the best of both worlds right now Sue. He has some people convinced he is some upstanding husband. Some men seem to never want to grow up and face responsibility.

I can tell this is getting to be too much for you too keep quiet about. I don't blame you, I don't know how you've managed for so long not to blow your top.

Being a WW, I know that the affair can become addicting and very hard to end. It becomes a method of escapism from the everyday stresses of life.

I was thinking maybe you should tell him you want to move to the other bedroom and when he asks why just look him dead straight in the eye and say do you really think I'm that stupid? I'm more aware of the "real" you than you are aware of.

I know you want him to love you and come back to you but you can't appear needy at this point. It will only end up like the other night when you cried and told him you didn't feel he loved you.

It's impossible to say at this point if he will re-dedicate himself to the M down the road and rid himself of the OW for good. I know it has gone on for some time with this particular OW. I guess you have to ask yourself if you've had enough, and do you really want to continue. You will probably worry a lot that he's taken up with her again in the future.

It's a TOUGH decision, one you have to make for your own sanity and happiness. Sue, don't let them rob you of what you truly deserve.

Thanks- You voiced what I have been not wanting to acknowledge, not yet. He has been with her for so long, is there a connection there?

I will give what you said some real thought. I know I have to. Last night he was trying to be all nice with me.

I'll be back later. I have to go get taxes done. I hope we have a decent refund. Savings is almost gone. Enough to get us through next month. If he is not back to work by the end of April we are going to be in trouble money wise.

When he was laid off, they told him that he should be back to work by April or May. I monitor the union Jobline, he has moved up about 20 spots on the list since January. But spring is just starting, so construction should be picking up soon and he should be back to work. If not, I graduate in May, I can always get a second job. If he is not back to work, I cannot afford to have him leave. I can't afford to have him leave until I pass boards and start working as an RN, which probably won't be until July or August.

Sometimes I wonder if H is feeling guilty about A. He always makes comments about me having an A, (he tries to make is sound like a joke). Is he trying to tell me and does not no how? Is he trying to justify his actions. The guy who does our taxes works at my work. He and I worked together 20 years ago when we were in High school and college. We both attended the local community college. Four years ago, after our D was born, we ran into each other at work. We got together a couple of times for lunch and caught up on stuff from back when. That is when I found out he has a tax business. So, he has been doing our taxes ever since. He says ours our the simpilest that he has to do, so generally instead of charging me, I take him to lunch as payment. H has always been invited to go with to lunch and when taxes are done. H always refused. I leave his address available so he knows where I am. Every year, H comments that I am having an A with this man. He tries to sound joking, and maybe he is, and maybe he is feeling guilty about his own A, that he is trying to make it soundl like I have a onnce a year thing going on with our tax man so he can justify his own A.

Who knows, but he lives 45 min. away so I have to get going .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>I wish there was a way to do Plan B and live in the same house.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Tough Love" ... set your boundry and let him know the condition to get back or get his privilage as H ... until then you treat him as WH. Stop cooking and washing his laundry etc ... Stop having s3x and give him affection to WH ... Just ignore WH as a non being ...

But you have to have stomach as stong as Orchid !.

Just my 2¢. -rh-

I need to get my taxes done too. I'm going to hit up my FIL to do it. He probably does feel guilty about the A. I know I did when I was in mine. I would have moments where I felt like total scum of the earth, but I would get a message or call from OM and I'd be right back in it.

How is your son doing? Has your H been getting along with him lately?

As far as treating him like a WH, it will be much easier for me to do after I finish school and I know that I can financially support me and the kids alone if I have to.

H and OS getting along, up and down.

Well, here is how my birthday went.

We got up, went to American Legion to serve a Food shelf benefit breakfast. I didn't mind doing that, after all, it was for a good cause. We left there and went to the VFW. H had to stop at gas station, I checked his cell phone for dialed calls. He snucked out of the breakfast and called her. Well, Happy Birthday to me too. I told him I didn't think we should stay at the VFW, his mom was expectign us to come get the kids. He calls, leaves a message to call me. Then he joins a cribbage tournament. I don't play cribbage, dont' know how, so I sat there for 3 hours watching him play cribbage. I almost took the car and went home, but he had no way home so I didn't. I didn't want his father or one of the others driving him home after all the beer they were all drinking. We are now home, I'm going to help OS with a paper. H just left for the store. Or is he meeting her. I don't really care. I am more upset that I missed spending the day with my kids.

Things are going to start getting really busy for me, so I will be able to avoid WH without much difficulty.

Redhat, I like your advise.

Sue,

We have to concetrate what matter to us and what we could control ... we have to safe our sanity within all of this selfishness. Yes, we have to be realistic in term of time frame. This is your time frame and by then hope your H will de-fog or else will loose you forever.

-rh-

That piece of $%$#... I'm so upset for you. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I think he realized he might have messed up. After we got home, OS and I sat down to work on his research paper. WH went shopping. He came back with a cake, and the makings for a nice dinner. It was nice that he thought of that, it would have been nicer if he would have realized how insensitive his behavior was earlier in the day.

After dinner, he disappears again. Kids said the car was gone. I can only guess why, and I'm probably right. I don't want to ruin what is left of today, so I am not going to check his phone. There is point in it.

My tax man, even though he is very distrustful, his wife of 12 years cheated on him, they divorced, he said he is loving the single life. I don't think I will. I was not ready to settle down until I was in my late 20's. I spent most fo my 20's doing what I wanted, when I wanted and answered to know one. It is overrated in my opinion. I'm ready to be married and stay married, as long as it is the right man.

Well, I need to concentrate on my presentation that is due on 4/15, preceptorship, journal entries, case studies and finally state boards. I think that should keep me busy. I can always go to the library if I have to.

He was not always like this. The man I met, was working in a fast food resturaunt, he was nice, considerate, thoughtful, sensitive. Where did he go? He was the person I fell in love with. Sometimes I see bits and pieces of him. More and more I don't. Was it all an act to get me hooked? Is this the real him, or is the fog him?

Well, I have to get to bed. I've been up since 4AM. I'm tired.

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

H has been very nice to me today. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. He actually called me to let me know where he was when he had a change of plans. That is not normal. Guilt probably.

Sue,
Do you cry alot?

Hi DS,

Sometimes, sometimes not. I try not to cry at home. When I get myself focused on my goal it distracts me from my problems, and I don't cry about it.

I only cry when I feel the pain of the situation.

Hi Sue,
You know a lot, but sometimes I get the feeling there is a peice missing in this puzzle you are working on.

I hope you are meeting your goals. I wish you didn't have such stress while trying to finish school and everything else, but it proves I was right about you being above average.

Try not to kill him outright when you drop the bomb on him in a few months. I wish I could be there just to watch. You will have a lot of leverage then, and you will control what happens. I just hope he will choose happiness and not misery. I think happiness is a given for you if you continue learning and growing.

I believe you will do well. ( I know I said that before, you'll just have to put up with it!)

SS

Sue,
Wanting to know how you are doing...thought Id bump your thread, in case you have time to check in.

It was *your* thread that has inspired me. My problems are no where near yours, but your grace under pressure and strength is a daily reminder to me that I can get over what I know and save my marriage.

(Even if I personally would like to see you deck your husband and find a man who could fulfill your Ens)

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Try not to kill him outright when you drop the bomb on him in a few months. I wish I could be there just to watch. You will have a lot of leverage then, and you will control what happens. I just hope he will choose happiness and not misery. I think happiness is a given for you if you continue learning and growing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could sell tickets. Maybe I could retire on the profits <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know a lot, but sometimes I get the feeling there is a peice missing in this puzzle you are working on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will I like the puzzle piece when I find it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but it proves I was right about you being above average. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, my grades may be average, I don't have much time to study. I fly by the seat of my pants.

MOJ
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was *your* thread that has inspired me. My problems are no where near yours, but your grace under pressure and strength is a daily reminder to me that I can get over what I know and save my marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks. I do what I have to, even though it is frustrating. Honestly, it is the love I have for my children that keeps me hanging in. I would not have done this this long if it was not for them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(Even if I personally would like to see you deck your husband and find a man who could fulfill your Ens) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL, sometimes I feel the same way

Before I can call it quits to my M, I have to know I tried everything to make it work, especially for the kids.

On a brighter note, my Daughters recital is in June. I think we pick up costumes this Sat. I know I have to do some sewing.

I totally understand about wanting to do everything possible. That is exactly where I am now.

I have such good memories of our time here before I found out last month...that it helps.

Now the trust issue is harder than the forgiving. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Keep hanging in. We are all here for you!

(((((((Sue))))))),

I have been checking on you from time to time -- been pretty busy lately. I am sorry to see things are the same for you.

Just wanted to let you know there are many people here who care about you and have been inspired by your strength. Keep focused on your goals -- the end is in sight. You H will need to make some decisions soon and stop being a cake eater.

You have grown over the last year and are a better person because of it.

FHO

Hi FHO and everyone else

Thanks for everyones kind words and words of encouragement.

I know, the end is near, soon changes will occur. I just have to hang in there and stay focused.

Right now, I have to be quick. About to head off to the library, I have to work on my presentation that is due on 4/15, a test next week, a test today (today's test does not count. It is to determine what areas we are weak in for boards) I will be back later

I AM SCREAMING. That felt good.

OS calls me at work, crying, dad in background "why are you crying like a baby". (isn't he just a gem of a guy)(don't forget to insert sarcasm). OS wants me to divorce dad again. OS is worried that dad will hurt his YS(younger sister in this case, otherwise she is YD for younger daughter). YS took cereal into the living room. (she isn't supposed to, but normally H does not notice these things, and lets them get away with it). OS says to me that dad told her "if she does not put it back he will spank her" This is when OS started crying. OS says "if dad spanks her like he spanks us, it will hurt really bad, she is too little for that" I felt a combination of pride for OS, he was worried about his baby sister, and anger at WH because he has so much fear instilled in OS that he is worrying about his baby sister. I ask OS to tell me what is going on. "I can't, I will get whipped". "dad will beat us with the belt". I asked "has dad ever hit you will a belt?" OS says "no". I told him if it ever happens call me right away. I told my H that you cannot ever use an object to spank a child with. Honestly, I think my WH is more of hot air than action, but for some reason, my oldest is very afraid of him. My oldest is also more sensitive, where as MS is sensitive, but hides it very well, acts like he does not care, when he really does.

OS also said, that dad is nicer when I am around because he knows he has to be. He knows I will divorce him if he isn't. I think the real reason is, when I am around, he does not do anything with the kids, and leave everything to me. My kids are really good kids, I want to keep them that way. MIL, says to me the other day, you know, OS is very controlling, just like his dad and his dad's dad. OS is not controlling. He has a strong will, and will not be controlled. He cannot be manipulated. There is a difference between having a strong will and being controlling. OS has alot of anger issues, and unfortunately lashes out at his younger brother and sister. He has not done anything that I have to worry about as far as them being in harms way. He only lashes out when I am around. I think that is because he knows I will stop him. I wish I could take the next 2 months off of work and be home for the kids. This really stinks. I feel like I am letting them down for my own desires. I know in the long run, my finishing school in best for all of us, but what sort of damage is being done now? Gotta go and call and see if things are better.

I have wondered if this is a case of OS playing us against each other, but it is not always. WH does not follow the counseling plan that we have agreed upon for OS's counseling. WH, yells at OS while I am on the phone with OS trying to help with OS homework.

I know WH loves the kids, he has alot to learn about parenting. He has not had a good example of what a father is. But that is no excuse for him to not learn.