Well, things have calmed down, kids are laughing. OS needs help with homework, but needs me there. I told him to ask his dad. OS says he will not help, he said he was not going to help us with anything. I told him to ask for help, this is homework. OS puts phone down, I think he forgot about me. It sounds like WH is helping OS with homework and other two are goofing around. I just wish H would find ways to get results without all the yelling. I know, sometimes I have to, but they are not afraid of me. He never should have let the kids learn that they can get away with stuff from the start, and now he expects them to do things the right way. Go figure

wELL.. that is a big queston for me right now ( i'm new, just found out yesterday, thugh have really known for about 4 months now - had lots of evidence). Anyway, do you tell his firends, family, children?? He wants to go to counselling and wants to work on our marriage. We have been married for 19 years (dated in high school). I don't know who to talk to about this as our friends are married and I'm not sure I want anyone to know. It would really ruin his image and integrity. Secretly, I wish everyone knew what an [censored] he really has been. Any advice??

Hi Stated

Welcome to MB, I don't have any advice for you. I am one who believes that you don't cover for them, but you don't need to take out a front page ad in the newspaper (as much as you would like to). I have told my friends, and his brother and mother, I only told them because I needed their help in not enabling this A. I knew they would agree because they have major issues with infidelity. They know I don't want to ruin H and I want to try to make it work, so they want to help me in this.

I suggest you start a post of your own, that way you will get a variety of replies instead of just my suggestion. Right now, I don't trust my ability to pick out a good goldfish. Your post could easily get lost in here.

Good luck

Well, I think I am past the point of no return. I don't know if I care or not about my M.

Last night, I'm talking to OS, I asked where his dad was. He says he is outside talking on his phone. As OS is telling me this, H walks in the door. H tells OS he was not on his phone, that he was holding his ear because his jaw hurt. OS tells H, I saw you on your phone. H yells at OS, to go to bed, if he is not goibg to finish his homework. OS says goodnight and goes to bed. H calls a few minutes later. I know he was checking to see if I believed OS or not. I believed OS. I didn't say a word to H. Why? What would be the point? He would deny it to me too? So, just to verify my suspicions, I check the phone when I get home, (H tried to hide it). Sure enough, he called her and the time was the same time as when I was talking to OS.

Now H wants to go up north to help a friend fix his garage. I don't really believe it. You know what, I don't really care if H is going up with her. Right now, the way I feel, she can have his lies, she can have is verbal and emotional abuse, she can have his overspending, she can have his controlling ways. I don't need it in my life. I'm more concerned about how will I finish my presentation if he is gone and cannot watch the kids. I am just numb over it all. Maybe I'm not numb, I am feeling nothing, nothing at all. No anger, no hurt, nothing. I think my M just died. Maybe she is not with, but I really don't care one way or the other.

He got all crappy with me, when I expressed my dislike for him doing this, and at that moment, I decided I didn't care if he went or not. I don't care at all. I'm tired of this, I'm tired of trying and making very little progress. Why don't they live together, get married and he can cheat on her. I'm not sure, but I think that would make me very happy. (I am getting very cynical, I need a break from everything).

(((Sue)))
I think many of us here were probably thinking the same thing- that at some point you would feel unable to continue this.

Against my own personal feelings about your H, Im going to point out something-

Remember, you are Plan A-ing and have just a short amount of time to go. NOw, also take into account that HE has no idea that you've been on to him all this time. Once you give him the chance to actually choose, he may surprise you. Right now his fog is so thick he doesnt even see how obvious he is being. I think this is what pisses me off so much- its like he thinks you are stupid (my husband pointed it out to me as well last night when I was sharing your story with him).

Do you have *any* friends or family who could watch the kids for a few hours this weekend so you can work on your presentation??? Or is your OS old enough for you to maybe give him some kind of small payment for keeping your kids busy? Could you rent a couple movies and have them sit for a wehile and watch them? Or ask them to sit in their rooms for some quiet time to help you out? Our kids can be incredible when they are told you need their help.

I also hope you can let your OS know that you know he was telling you the truth. It will probably make him feel better.

I'm suffering a mental block, so I thought I would pop over here as a break

The kids were at Grandmas until she had to go to work, so that helped some. Daughter is watching a movie and boys are playing Yu-gi-oh. I told them, as long as there is no arguing they can stay up a little later today. So, they have been as good as gold.

You are right, he thinks he is pulling one over on me. I told him a long time ago, that I would always know if he was cheating. He didn't believe me.

I'll see how thing go after I finish school. Maybe after I tell him I know, he will do the NC and everything.

OS knows, I told him. I also told him that honesty is a quality to be admired. He really is a good boy. Sometimes we have issues, and it will not get better. I still have teen years to look forward to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just remember, you are so close to getting to your goal. Don't allow your H to screw up your focus.
((SUE))

Not only am I 99.9% sure, but I am 99.9% sure that both are sociaopathic with histrioninc tendencies. I am only sad because he took away from me so much of my life without a thought. I would never let him come back now...I would always be afraid and disgusted by a man who has gone to the lengths that he has gone to and was able to look me in the eye and look at himself in the mirror without any guilt or remorse. But when I got a little gander if her, I knew then why he was able to pull it off. Because she has the "Denis" personality that he so voeted and envied but could never achieve. You know what? I only want to see him one more time as they are pulling him through the prison gates at Lawson SMS.......Yes, I standalone!!!!!

Hi Sue,
I hate to do this, but we need to have a serious discussion.

Things have not been easy for you, but you manage to keep things light most of the time and you have moved on with your goal of finishing school. For a long time I figured you would make it with no problem and you seemed to do well with coping with H and his problems. ( Problems- isn't that a nice way of discussing it. Oh well, on with this.)

Lately, your highs have not been as high, and your lows have more often and lower. I am worried that you may get to graduation and just tell him to get lost. You have been here long enough to know that if the discontent goes on too long then often people go right to plan D without doing the intermeadiate steps. I worry about this for you.

I wonder if it would be better for you to start some kind of discussion with him now to decrease the danger of just letting it go later.

Something along the lines of: "I know you are seeing someone else, I am not going to live with it long term, and you need to begin thinking about what you are going to do." and then just leave him to think about it. He knows you are about finished with school, he can figure out what that means as far as your ability to get along without him.

I would not suggest you try and get some kind of decision or commitment from him now. I just think that continued contact and you not being able to do or say anything ( for fear of what may happen) is taking down the old love bank at an alarming rate. I think you would do much better if it was out in the open and being worked on.

After watching you for some months, I think you could pull it off without killing him. I don't think you should go much beyond a small statement. I suspect he will say something like "What are you talking about?" and act surpprised. You already know, so you can tell him that he doesn't need to pretend, and that you expect more from him as yor husband and that you will be thinking about what YOU will do. Then just walk away. At that point he will have to think about what he will do. If he continues to disrespect you, you already know what will happen, so it's not like you need to wonder what you will do.

Am I off track here?

I hate to see things get worse and worse and you not be able to address them. I am afraid by the end of May it will be do late, in fact, I worry that it is almost to late now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As always, this is your thread, I am just here to offer ideas and support. When I said it seemed like a peice of the puzzle was missing, I was thinking along these lines, I felt unease about how things were going but I didn't know what to say about it. Now I have thought a little more and expressed my fears to you.

So, these are just suggestions. You have the right to do things how you see fit, and you don't have to explain your reasons, or apoligize for them. I'll try and support you in whatever you do, I just worry. OK?

SS

Hi SS - you are so good about expressing what I am avoiding.

I know I have wondered if I will even make it at this rate.

Our dog go lose today. H is blaming me. I was not feeling well, so maybe I didn't put him on the chain when I let him out. I don't really remember. I know I picked up the chain, opened the latch, it is possible that I didnt' put in on right. Our dog is at the pound. It will cost over 100.00 to get him back.

We will, he has been with us for 4 years.

I'll come back tomorrow, hopefully I will be feeling better.

Deleted post. Realizing by the post below that you want to stay no matter what.

I'll pray for your strength.

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: bhf1111 ]</small>

Sue, You have my admiration and respect. Making preparations so that you can legimately take care of children when care from their father could easily be in question if the marriage were over is not only intelligent, but the sacrifices that you are making (vulnerability to judgments like the response that preceded mine, for example) sometimes probably make you question yourself and your own sanity.

Stay the course. One of the best things my SAnon sponsor ever told me to do was to prepare to be financially self-sufficient for the sake of my son and myself, in the event that recovery wasn't an option for my husband or my marriage.

Love, Kayla

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

I didn't see the response before yours, sounds like it might have been a good thing.

I know I am doing the right thing for my kids and myself. It is very frustrating to keep going

If my M fails, I know H will pay the CS, because I would have it taken out of his paycheck. If I didn't, I would not see the whole amount, only what he could afford, after he was done having fun. I also know, because of his line of work, layoffs can happen anually. He is laid off right now, has been since January. They don't expect him to be back to work until end of April, possibly as late as May. His unemployment check is half his paycheck. So it is very tight. I have to make sure that if our M fails, that I can take care of the kids by myself, even if he gave me court ordered support, during layoffs, he could not afford it, and I could not afford to support the kids on my current paycheck and what I would get while he is layed off. I have to plan for everything.

H is planning on taking me to a dinner in April. He just joined a veterans group, and they have a scholarship for students in the Nursing program. H's dad is involved in the group, he is going to see if I can put in an app for the program. That is nice of him. Back to the dinner, the dinner is a benefit to raise money for the scholarship.

I was surprised that H wanted to attend. He does not want to attend my graduating class dinner that we are having. I want to attend. I don't think we can afford it right now. Oh, well.

H said to me this morning, that if I am "nicer" to him, maybe we could get a room for the evening of the benefit dinner so we could have some time to ourselves. To me he is saying one of many things or a combination of things. 1) I want to get a room close to the dinner because I plan to drink to much and I know you are a lightweight when it comes to drinking, 2) by "nicer" he means I want my way without any grief from you and I will get a room for us for the night. 3)(different version of #2) If you are a "good girl" and don't tell me "no" to anything I want
4) he was doing something he was not supposed to over the weekend and he feels guilty.

I have been suggesting to H that we get someone to watch the kids for a weekend or evening and we get away and have some "us" time. He has rejected my suggestions everytime. Now, he wants to, as long as I am "nicer" to him. (I know, I am being cynical). He goes out of town, comes up with any excuse he thinks he can get away with, at least 4-6 times if not more per year, and rejects my suggestions all the time, and now, he wants to. It is always on his terms, his guidelines, when he wants to. I have accepted what I want is irrelevant. I don't want to just get a room in any old place. I wanted to take a drive up north, maybe get a B&B, or some rustic cabin or something. Not some cheap flea trap motel. Okay, I don't know what he has in mind, I should not assume it is some cheap flea trap motel, but I know it is not some romantic get away that I wanted to do.

#5 - your husband is a spend-thrift and has no clue that there is a consequence for spending $ you don't have. (I remember the going out to dinner receipts and charges you keep finding, all the while he's unemployed.)

The only thing that keeps us out of bankruptcy court is the $$ I manage to put into a savings, for these times. I plan on the tax refund going to help us through his unemployed times.

He wants to use the tax refund for stuff like a membership at a gym, and to buy a dryer. I'm okay with the dryer, except right now we cannot afford it. Why couldn't we buy the dryer 3 years ago when we had the money and he was not unemployed when the dryer first went out. All the trips he went on would have boughten me who knows how many dryers.

He wants you to be nicer??????
OMGosh I WANT TO STRANGLE HIM.
I would have probably told him if he was nicer to me, he'd get to sleep in our bed.
Actually..I probably would have just hit him upside the head with a frying pan.

Keep your eyes on the goal- you are almost there!!! You have my family in Guam rooting for you every single day!

Thanks - so far today is going okay. Hesitant to get my hopes up for a good day

Took the dog for a walk last night. It felt good. I will probably take another one tonight. Just a quick jaunt around the block.

Hi Sue,
Will you walk mine while you are at it? I forgot yesterday and don't think I'll have time tonight.

I am interrested in what KaylaAndy has to say. Kayla, are you saying that she shouldn't talk to him now, and should just continue to hold on until school is out no matter what? I consider you to be a sage here, and wonder if you could talk a little more about what you think??

BTW, how are you and Kasey doing? Haven't seen you post about you for a while.

Sue,
Kids Ok? You sound better your self. True? Or just that "one strong women" showing up again?

SS

Hi SS

It is a little bit of both. I got myself refocused, things are a little bit better in some ways, the same in others and worse in others.

I decided that I have to get myself back together if I intend to make it to graduation.

I have also come up with many scenarios on how to handle things when the time is right. Some of them are major LB's and others actually follow into the MB plan. The Major LB would be to e-mail everyone my H knows about everything I know and make sure I include H. After all, he is the important one to get it.
Some not legal, so we will avoid them, some not even possible, but fun to think of.

I am trying to figure out if there is a way to tell him, without him leaving. If not, then I will continue as is. Graduation is May 14, after that I have a class I signed up for. According the rep, 95% of the nursing student who take this course pass the boards. Our instructors recommend it.