Well, if you insist, I really don't want to take anything away for Whippit.

I am soooo worried I will fail this last test. If I fail, and depending upon by how much, I do not graduate. If I am lucky they will let me repeat the sememster. I will have to petition the Nursing program board and tell why I failed and what I will do different to pass.

Then there is NCLEX that is going to cost another 200. If I fail that, I get to have the honor of paying 200 each and everytime I take the test until I pass.

Wanted to say one more thing.

H has been unusually receptive these days.

You know MN had a potluck that I did not get to thanks to the birth of a cute baby boy. H was at one point considering attending.

H does not know about my posting here. I told him it is a group of people I met who met because they want to work on improving their marriages. A version of the truth. I could not tell him the whole truth, not yet. He at first balked at my association, and wanted to know what was wrong with our marriage. (where should I start?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> All I said was all marriages can improve and grow. I don't want ours to get stagnant. (which there is some truth to that)

Anyway, one of my classmates was just engaged, and she wanted my address to mail me an invitation. I told H about it, he wanted to know which one, and he is considering going. In the past, he did all he could to avoid involvement with my friends, now he is willing (at least verbally) to get involved.

I just informed him of my company picnic. In the past, he always tried to get out of it. All he asked was what is the date, and said OK. (I ask the alien mothership to please not come and take this version of H. I really like this one) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Hi Sue, I am crossing my fingers for your tests.
I am so glad that at least some things improved on your homefront.
Can't believe I was "with" you almost the full year.

I have no good news to share, had a baaad day, no progress in R in two weeks, hopefully yesterday's/today's mistakes/misunderstandings will get their time in conversation someday. Which stopped happening again.
Going to ind. counseling first session next Thursday. I have no clue what to expect. It was difficult to find anybody accepting both my insurance and new clients and appointments not totally midday ( since I work 8-5). Hoping to get some skills and maybe insight why I can't let go, even for Plan B.

SS, if you see this, hi, and that's it for posting for a while.
Have a good weekend,
FBOW

Sue -- Hi. Sorry I have been out of the loop a little. I hope things are going well for you. I can't imagine the stress of being in school again (chills...), but as I have said before... you will kick butt!!! Why? because you have been working your butt off, and you DESERVE it!!!

Things have been ok here. My mom is still a source of stress... when she calls here, she barely talks to H, just asks for me. This has been bothering my H a lot! And to make matters worse, I am but a few weeks away from the 1 yr anniv. of D-Day. I have really made progress, but sometimes I find myself wondering "is he really where he says he is?"... and it's stupid, because I know he is... but as an example: Last night I mentioned I wanted ice cream... we were watching a movie, and then suddenly durring the first commercial he says "I'm gonna go get you your ice cream"... ok... 20 minutes later he comes back with ice cream from a different place than he said he was going to go to... no big deal... but he usually takes his cell phone and we talk while he's out... well, he didn't call me, and he said that he went to the first place, and it was too crowded, so he drove to the second place... all this is no big deal... I know that, but I was still stressed about it! He said he forgot his phone, and I believed him, but part of me still wanted to check his "outgoing" calls!!! I know I am acting silly... is this all still part of the "healing" process??? He really has not done anything that puts op red flags... Am I being paranoid? I think that out of all WS's... HE has learned the HARDEST lesson of all... I really don't think he would be that STUPID again... Or am I just getting worked up because of the anniv of D Day???

Sorry... I had to get that off my chest. In reality, I am sure I am overreacting... but I guess there will always be a small part of me that wonders.

Can you believe that a YEAR has passed and I have had NO contact with my own "sister"!!! (or her H for that matter!!!) My entire family is still being torn apart!!! I swear, if it was not for my parents health, I would just walk away and let that b*tch have them!!! I don't need the stress anymore!

Now get off the computer, and get back to the books!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We still need nurses around here!!!

-mc

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now get off the computer, and get back to the books!!! We still need nurses around here!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NAG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I do need to hit the books.

As far as your questions go, what do you think deep in yout gut. That is your best answer. I always look to see if he left his phone home.

As far as your mom goes, she will just have to accept that you have made your decision, eventually she will come around. She has very little choice, the girls will start noticing and might ask questions, what will she do, tell them the truth, I hope not, if anyone ever tells them, it should be a joint decision that you and your H make.

I've heard that the anniversay of D-day is a trigger. I don't know, I keep pushing the A out of my mind, and keep focusing on school. I'm sure once all is done, I will crash and crash hard. I'm expecting it.

Now, today, we finished filling in the hole in our backyard that used to have a non working pool (above ground, execpt they put it about 2 feet into the ground). H commented that this was the first project that the whole family worked on. I think he liked it. He tried to get his brother to go to the movies with him, I had to go to work for a few hours. H's brother could not go, H calls me, and says, see if the kids will stay the night at my mom's. If so, I will get some wine and a movie. We all know what that means <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As I said in a prior post, if the alien theory is true, I really don't want the mothership to come back for this version of H. I like this one and want him to stay.

SUe -- 1 year anniv. for d-day is May 21. Maybe that is part of it. To be honest, I don't think my H would do it again, but then again I didn't marry him saying "yep, this is it... the man who will betray me in the worst way possible!"

I responded to someone in Recovery about the anniv. of d-day, and I told them that I actually want to do something special on that day. As silly as that may sound, I don't want to forget that day. That was the day that made me who I am today! (Although I would have preferred not to have a d-day... I wasn't so bad before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) Even though I am not over it, and still have bad days, that was the day that will forever change my life... It has made me stronger (usually), and made my M better.

As for the other night, I talk to H about it the next day... he had had a really bad day (because of my mom...big shock!) and I told him that I had a moment of "concern". He said he was sorry for putting me in the position where I felt like that, and said I was free to check his phone for outgoing/incomming calls anytime. That helped.

Like I said, I really do trust him... I just have some days where I can't get the A out of my mind. The worst part about it is the fact that "she" wont ever REALLY be out of our lives... I think it would be easier if the OW had been someone I didn't know. I don't think I can get through a phone conversation with my mom without hearing SOMETHING about her!!! (response to mom: "mom, I really don't care, and I really don't want to hear anything about her")

oh well... today is another day... and I'm stronger than yesterday!

STUDY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-the nag <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (ooops, I mean mc)

MC,

There is nothing Silly about not wanting to forget D-day. As awful as it was, it is a significant part of your marriage, who you are, how you have grown and changed. And a positive note of remembering, (yes there can be a positive), is that it can remind you not to take your marriage and family for granted. Remembering in a positive way, will help you to enjoy all that you can in your marriage and do all you can to keep your marriage alive and well.

You are so lucky that your H loves you so much that he is willing to let you see his phone, all incoming and outgoing. That he understands your fears and wants to alleviate them.

Take the negative and try to make it positive. You have a lot going for you.

Never forget D-day, it is part of you marriage, turn the negative of D-day into a positive.

I know I should not let the negative thoughts invade, after all, what did I just tell MC.

Last night, after we were finished, H went to movie, he says alone. Except, he could have gone to a theater near our house, instead he goes to one 3 towns away. I know in a metro area, 3 towns is not that far. To get to this town, he had to go near where she lives. I honestly think he goes there when he is seeing her.

He calls me when he is on his way home, and says that he has to stop for gas. The tank is full, I used the car earlier in the day. He claims he wants to top it off. He does not do that. He waits until it is near empty to fill it up. He says while prices are down. Yeah, right, and I have the brooklyn bridge for sale too. That is totally out of character for him. Why does he think I am soooooooo dumb?

A movie alone 3 towns away??? Do you give him grief over these things or is it too much for you to deal with right now?

I don't give him too much grief, I question it to him, I ask him why he had to go there, and not near our house. He always has some lame, feeble excuse. Frankly, they have lost their amusement

Today, we left the house at the same time, he said he was going to see his dad. His dad lives about 45 min. away. Said he would probably play in the cribbage tournament. H just called me. Said he never made it to his dads, correction, he went there, dad was not home. Forgot that dad was out of town. So he has been shopping at "home depot" and stuff like that. (I don't believe him)

We left the house around 10:30, it is now 3:30. Who spends that much time at places like Home Depot?

She e-mailed him. They don't e-mail much, when they do, they don't say much, and nothing incriminating. No "I love yous" nothing like that.

Yesterday, he said something, he may have been joking, I'm not sure. I don't recall exactly what it was. It prompted me to ask him if he wanted a divorce after I finish school, pass boards and find a job that I can properly support the kids on. He at first replied, can I. Later I asked if he was serious, does he really want a divorce. He replied "No". I had to ask.

He actually called me "Hon" this morning. I had to get up, he said "Hon, time to get up, you said you wanted to be up early today". He probably wanted to get rid of me early so he could spend time with her. I am so cynical, I cannot even take a nice comment without twisting with some sort of disttrust added to it these day.

Take the good and be glad for it, quit thinking about the bad. You can't afford it right now, it will just make you crazy.

You know what you need to do.

SS

well, folks, on a brighter note, I passed clinicals with a B. I now have to pass my Theory test on Monday.

On a down side, I did something to my knee on Monday, have been on pain meds that knock me out for Monday and Tuesday, so I was behind on my studies, and finishing up papers. I got my papers done, my case study done, now it is time to concentrate on theory exam. I stopped taking the pain meds except for the Ibuprophen, (sp) (don't have drug book with me to look up spelling). I'm in a leg brace. MRI on Friday, Dr appt after test on monday. Hope nothing serious

hey chick.... just dropping in to say hi..... you must be counting down the days til school is done. sending you all the best!!! - C

Thanks - yep, I am counting the days. H went out of town (not happy about it, I forgot he mentioned it, but I guess I want him out of my hair this weekend anyway.

Sister took kids for the evening so I can get MRI done, she is coming to get them in the AM, so I can study, BIL is taking kids tomorrow night, H is picking up kids on Sunday on his way home.

I might go in a coma with all the peacefulness. Meeting with Study group on Sunday. I hope to get in a Mom's day meal with the whole family at some point.

I decided that Imagry does not work for pain management. Of course I decided that during the birth of all my children.

About to leave work to get MRI done. I probably will not be back on until Monday after test, unless I need a study break.

I am really scared I will fail this test. Of course the pressure is on because if I don't pass this one, I just threw two years down the drain. I keep hearing that most of us are scared of this test.

I'll say a prayer for you, it's about all I can do. Sorry for all the troubles lately, I hope you do really well on the test.

SS

Sue,
Thinking of you today. Its Monday afternoon here, so I'll make sure to check in on you Tuesday afternoon to see how you feel about it.

SO SO CLOSE NOW!

See post on Final for test results for those who are interested.

Went to Dr. today, I have to see an orthopedic specialist. Bummer

Oh well, I still have 6-8 weeks before boards (assuming I passed my final) Maybe by then It will be healed

Mothers day was not good. I spent the whole weekend studying, (I wanted it that way). I though H would have at least took us out for dinner when he got home with the kids.

Kids spent the weekend at my sisters and BIL/MIL. H went out of town (bachelor party?????). Anyway, at the time, I did not care, I cared about having the weekend for studying. I thought and strongly hinted (my hints are not subtle) that we should go out to dinner. Instead H goes to White Castle and brings home burgers.

I decided that H is officially brain dead. No card, no "happy mothers day", nothing.

Oldest made me a gift at school, second oldest, I'm not sure if he actually got these for me, or was trying to come up with something, he gave me polished rocks he found (heart in right place, not sure what I will do with rocks, I can think of some stuff, all aimed at brain dead hubby.) Okay, I won't do it. Daughter, says, "mommy I dont' have anything for you" all sad, second son give her some rocks to give me. She's happy now, she has a gift for mom. (I'm thinking again, should I take aim?) Okay, I do not take aim, I probably would missed anyway. I never did have any athletic ability, so I don't need to break anything valuable.

I decided that we are going to go out to dinner wednesday. I did not even ask H, I told him we are.