I'm feeling okay today. H is, he says doing some work for his dad. I'll believe that one when I become a man, and since I am very happy being a women, I guess I will not believe that. He is probably meeting his dad at the bar. H is not a heavy drinker, but he will sit with his dad for hours while his dad gets himself plastered.

I hope H is not getting advise from his dad on our M. If that is the case I might as well call a laywer now. Taking advise from a man who is 4 or 5 times divorced is not the smarted thing he could do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi Sue,
It's hard to know just what to say. I know you are long over due for bringing this out into the light of day. Sometimes when you get upset, or hurt and afraid you get really angry, sometimes you divert your energy into other things. I believe I have seen some of that diversion lately.

I worry about that Sue that you don't talk about much. Not the one that does endless work and never rests. The one that is hurt, that cries, that so badly needs a rest and can't have one yet. I suggest you start making plans for dealing with all this, and let cerri help you. Use that energy for working on the problem, don't put any of it into anger and bitterness or doubt and fear. You are too valuable to waste time going there.

You know ( if you will think about it ) you are a much better person than you give credit for. It's not school I am talking about now. We both know you have some faults, but I hope you realize all the good you do for others, and I hope you know what you are worth. Don't dwell on what you can't do right now. Do the things you can do, and plan for the rest of it - so you can execute the plan when you are ready.

I know I tease you a lot, but I worry about you more than I tease. I am not afraid that you will fail, I worry about what all this will do to you and I worry that you are not happy, but should be.

Please continue to improve yourself, that's important too. Work on the things you know you need to work on. I believe that the happiness you seek will come to you as you continue to do all that you can do for your family. I hope you have faith in that too.

Like I said, It's hard to know what to say. I try to extend help and support, but words fail me. It's hard to send strength, and hope over the internet.

Don't give up - OK?

SS

Hi Sue, glad to hear today was ok I was thinking about you today wishing somehow I could help you. Is it expensive to take the boards where you live? I can't remember how much my sister had to pay when she took hers I know she got gifts of cash when she graduated and that helped her.

How does your H feel about your M? Does he ever say? Or is he like my H and thinks all is well in neverland!!!! whats with these guys sometimes anyway?

I know you don't want to hear this but try to hang in there. Do something nice just for you if you can, I know it is not always easy when you have three small kids,a job and house all to take care of but try to ok. Remember I have been there little kids a job and a man that never helped out, in a way I miss the days of the kids being small but sometimes I'm glad its over.

Talk to you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Right now, I don't know what to say. I need time alone to collect my thoughts and stuff. Pretty hard to do with 3 kids, house, boards, bills.

I think I will have to take some time for me, and do some real thinking. It will take away from the kids. In the end, I will be a better mother. Right now, I'm going through the motions of being a mom. I'm better than that. I know I am.

I don't know if I will be around much. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. Right now, I don't feel I have much to contribute, not even to myself.

I will be okay. This I know. I've been in this position before. I know what I have to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I worry about that Sue that you don't talk about much. Not the one that does endless work and never rests. The one that is hurt, that cries, that so badly needs a rest and can't have one yet. I suggest you start making plans for dealing with all this, and let cerri help you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to talk about her. Not now. Unfortunately, there is not time for her. Everyone expects me to quickly take boards. I don't feel ready for them. I need to.

Avoidance, can be your friend sometimes. It is also the friend that sneaks up on you when you least expect it, wanting you to deal with what has been avoided.

Sue, I know that I am just new to the forum so I probably should not say this I might get kick off, but isn't it ok to be human? Can't you hurt,or be tired or just not be ready and still be ok? I don't know, but you know you best if your not ready for boards so what! Take them when you are ready. If you need time to be alone even if it means a little bit of time away from the kids, guess what they will survive. I have been there never doing for me always doing for everyone else I think thats why I am where I am right now I think I forgot who I am! Remember there are people who care and do understand. Sometimes you just cant be strong for everyone and thats ok you are ok. I hope you will keep in touch with me just talking to you helps me so much even if it is not all positive. You are special!!!!

(((Sue))),
I dont think its so much the boards you are avoiding, but the steps you know will come once you have passed.
Take some time for yourself, if you need to. Don't do things on other people's schedules. It has to come from you!!!
Everyone is here for you, Sue. We WILL NOT JUDGE YOU!!!!

Please take care. I'll check in on you next week.

Hi Sue, Just wanted to say Hi before I headed out for the day. I went to the e-mail exchange on this site and found an e-mail for you is it current? If so I would like to send you something via e-mail if thats ok. Just let me know if that is the right address. Have a good day. Ginger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I worry about that Sue that you don't talk about much. Not the one that does endless work and never rests. The one that is hurt, that cries, that so badly needs a rest and can't have one yet. I suggest you start making plans for dealing with all this, and let cerri help you.

Hey chickie..... you know I'm here when you're ready. Or if ya just wanna hang out and avoid life for a while I'm up for that too.

Hugs.... and good luck with kids and boards and stuff!

C

Avoiding life, I like that concempt. I can do that indefinetly. Don't face problems.

What I really want right now is for our refinancing to go through without a hitch. Then I can afford to take boards.

We will be able to get through the next month of bills even if H does not get called back to work.

Ginger, I think that e-mail address is still valid.

I'll be back later - have to put in pizza for little princess

I was supposed to go to son's counseling today. I got sick. H was supposed to go too. H went with son. Usually H tries to get out of these appt. H survived and said it was not bad. Maybe he will make an effort to go in the future when he can.

I applied for a job. I figured this one I can safely apply for. They are not accepting new grads until September/October - I figure I should have passed boards and my knee should be well into recovery by then.

I don't really want to work at this facility, but it is a job and an application submitted.

I saw a couple of new grad positions at another local hospital. I cannot apply for those until I know the status of my knee injury. I printed them off for future reference, hopefully they will still be there when I can submit my apps.

I printed off another listing for a different hospital. I'm going to highlight the ones that suit me, and send in applications later.

I will probably apply at the smaller hospitals that are in the suburbs of the metro area or just outside the metro area. Still close enough to the metro to drive to without it being a major inconvience.

One place I will apply to, my H's aunt works there, so that might help with getting an interview.

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Hi Sue, You sound a little better today I hope all is well. It is funny you call your D the little princess thats what we call our granddaughter she just turned one last month she is so precious. When my D was expecting and we found out it was going to be a girl I told my D she would have to give up her throne the new princess was on the way! She has been a real blessing in my life a little sunshine when times have been so dark.

She gave herself the name princess. Lets see, she has been Princess Fiona (shrek), Rapunzel (barbie movie), Cinderella, and sometimes she just claims to be a princess. (I don't think I have to worry about a low self-esteem with this one)

Someday when the Princess meets up with my mad inventor child we will need to be certain that all power tools and makeup are locked safely away.... maybe hire a security company!! LOL

C

Scary, power tools, make up and two small children. Do you think a Security Company could handle them? LOL

Good news, I'm out of the brace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bad news, I'm walking witha cane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Surgery is scheduled for a week from today. I will be out of work for two weeks.

Dr. says I should be back normal 3-6 weeks from surgery.

Part of my cartilage has broken off, so they have to go in take out the broken piece and smooth out the edge.

Here is the really cool part - I can watch if I want to. Of course I want to watch.

Scary, power tools, make up and two small children. Do you think a Security Company could handle them? LOL

Probably not!!!

Here is the really cool part - I can watch if I want to. Of course I want to watch.

ooohhhh.... meee tooo!!! I got to watch an ER doc pull a severed tendon back outta my hand and reattach it. That was way cool. My D is having surgery in a couple of weeks to remove a cyst from her neck, she said she doesn't think they'll let me watch... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

C

I had a cyst removed from my back. They look icky. (The cyst). I think they will let you watch if you ask. I was with my D when she had her stitches, but then again, she was 2 years old at the time.

When I was 13 I watched the Dr. stitch my knee.

Oh yeah,

I'd let you come and watch. I have to be at the surgery center at 6:30 AM. I don't know if they would let you.

We are going to see if kids can stay at Grandma's Thursday night, H will drop me off, get kids to school and come back for me. I maybe done and I may not be done by then

Part of my cartilage has broken off, so they have to go in take out the broken piece and smooth out the edge.

I bet between you and cerri, you could fix it with power tools, and makup. Maybe if you used cookware too?
You gals are something else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sue, there are a lot of us that care what happens to you. You have my prayers for a successful recovery.

I know you don't like to think about some things, but I almost bet that those thoughts slip into your mind when you would like most for them to stay away. I think you will never keep them away for good until you deal with them. Planning what you will do is almost as good as doing it sometimes. My feeling is that you need some kind of progress. Planning will give that to you at least in part.

I don't know everything but I worry that one day you will have had enough and just end everything. I can't help but think that working on it a little bit now and thinking about what you want to do will help to prevent that from happening.

In your dreams( best case,) how does this work itself out? In other words, describe the time line of what could happen in your life and in your marriage the next few months if it were to go really, really well, and make you the happiest. What would that look like?

SS