Hey SS,

I was thinking the same thing!I'll be the first to give if Sue lets me, I'll even give more than 20 if it means she'll take those boards soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Rest on the weekends..........I work some weekends and I did this past weekend and on Sunday I had to be at work at 5 am that means I get up about 3:40am thats why I am so tired.

Hows everything today Sue?

Okay - I slept most of the day. I think I caught a virus or something. I have been very tired the last few days. Going to Dr. tomorrow.

Everything I do wears me out.

Good news, Knee is getting better. I'm moving around almost back to normal.

H said he was was looking at something for someone. Says he talked to the guy about it the night we were at friends home. Remember when I stopped to talk and you and D kept walking.

I reminded him that if D and I kept walking, I could not have heard the conversation, and he never told me about it.

Maybe it is the truth. Cell phone does not show calls to OW in a few days. The cell phone also did not show calls made to the home yesterday either.

Sorry to hear you don't feel well does that mean you missed work today?

I missed the post you wrote I just read it about H being gone all day what happened with that?

Is that the same thing you are talking about with him checking on something with someone?

Boy I am confussing myself here.

Sue I just wanted to tell you thanks you told me of your dream of OW and now I had one myself last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and I felt so strange all day.Today was the first time since D-day H has not called me at work he swears he did but I never got a page for a phone call,could have been a mixup I don't know.

I'm at work. I feel like going to sleep.

yes, the two are the same, H being gone all day/evening and he says he had to go to some guys house and look at something.

He could be telling the truth, but then again, he could not

Sorry to hear that,

Funny how our lives seem to parellel each others,yesterday a guy came over my H said to make a cd,then they left to go outside I thought he would be right back inside but he did not come in I looked out side and could see them nowhere,H swears they were out at the pool sitting by the table,I did not see them.Maybe I was blind and just missed them but that was to wierd.

Then he was on the computer last night sunday the day he always talked to OW,he stayed on the computer and I went on to bed.Bought back a major flash back for me I just lay in bed and cried I could not take it.He came in soon after but then I have the dream of OW I don't know I am sure it is just me but I just have a really awful feeling inside lately.

What do you mean awful feeling?

I am going to take the kids swimming real quick I will check in when I get back and try to explain ok.

okay

Swimming at 10pm at night or are you in Pacific time zone. (I'm central)

I'm pacific so it was only 8pm. and a very hot day so you cant go out to much the evening is the best.It was pretty relaxing if you count making sure two toddlers don't drown relaxing.

Anyway I am sure this feeling is nothing I think it has more to do with triggers,it was around this time last year that H met OW so anytime he does something that reminds me of life before the A I get a little crazy.
Most of the time since d-day I have lived with a knot in my stomach I guess I have just gotten use to it but sometimes the sick feeling is worse than others.We did not have a good weekend he even left to sleep in other room one night that really bothered me I told him he was very selfish only thinking of his feeling not mine,he won't talk to me about how I feel so I have found myself just not talking at all.

I'm kind of stupid,what is the time difference between us 2 or 3hours?

Ginger,
Shame on you. Just because you don't know something doesn't mean you are stupid. Thirty lashes with some goose down so you will remember not to use DJ's about yourself.

Sue,
I thank you for kind words, but I seem to have seen a gal named "Sue with Hope" that has given some very good support lately, even with a problem knee, a crazy home life, money troubles and life in general, you still have time to help others. I search for a way to get FBOW to know how good she really is, and I want you to know the same about yourself. I believe you already know that you will be fine. I think you do, you have said as much yourself. I just want you to understand that I know you know it, so I leave you alone about it most of the time, but I think about you too. You are pretty important, I hope you know that.

SS

SS- It is still nice to hear it once in awhile. And, I figured out that you care, otherwise, you would not keep posting.

I've been meaning to tell you, chocolate is for all day long. (which might explain why I have troubles losing the baby weight (okay, the baby is 4 years old, so I guess I cannot blame being pregnant any longer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Since this would be a MAJOR LB to say to my H, I'm going to say it here.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER LAZY MEN WHO THINK MY WHOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO CLEAN UP BEHIND THEIR LAZY BEHINDS!!!!!!! I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO CARE ABOUT. SUCH AS ME

That being said, I feel a little better. I'd feel a whole lot better if I could yell it at H.

Went to the Dr. today, I got a presecription for an antibiotic. Sinus issues, again. It does not surprise me. My mom suffered horribly. She never went to the Dr. I think that might have something to do with why she had very poor health in her later years.

FBOW has to realize for herself how wonderful she is. We can help, by telling her. There was a time in my life, I questioned myself, my decision, everything. I came to realize who I am, by having time for myself. (this was pre children phase, so this helped). Also, after my second child was born, I had esteem issue. Most of them were because of H's treatment of me. His leaving me was the best thing he could do for me. I had time to find myself, get strong again. It has helped to prepare me in away to deal with it this time around. I decided right away, I was not going to lose myself in trying to keep my M intact.

I read alot of self esteem books, I wish I could remember the titles. If I find them, I will let FBOW know.

I will think more on this.

Time to shower and leave for work.

Talk later

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Ginger - Yes, it is a 2 hour difference between us. When I am up, you are still snoozing.

And you would be surprised at how many people really do not know that, so you are not dumb to ask. And you had it right.

It is perfectly normal to have triggers around D-day. It is also normal for behavior that was part of the A to be triggers. To be told different is avoidance of the other person to face reality. (JMHO). I should say instead of JMHO, just my very opinionated ways. (I am very opinionated and I know it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER LAZY MEN WHO THINK MY WHOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO CLEAN UP BEHIND THEIR LAZY BEHINDS!!!!!!! I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO CARE ABOUT. SUCH AS ME

That being said, I feel a little better. I'd feel a whole lot better if I could yell it at H.

After I found MB, I realized a lot of things. One of them was that if she was working in the home, I needed to be also. I usually make the bed in the morning. I pick up my clothes and get them in the hamper. After all, I do love her, and she is my partner, not my slave. It took me years, and I figure that if I could learn, all the other husbands that love their wives can too. You'll get a chance to cover this with your H if he wants to stay around.

The reason is selfishness. I believe any two people with similar goals who are unselfish can have a happy marriage.

Please don't give me credit. I was just like your H for a long time, my wife could have written what you wrote. What this means, is that you have a chance at happiness too, that your H may be able to give you what you need. You have it even better, if he won't come around, you have a really good reason to ditch him and get a newer model and you know enough now to check him out first to see if he can be trained.

With FBOW it is not just a matter of how wonderful she is, all of you gals are wonderful. It is that she doesn't trust herself and her emotional desisions. She knows she can function well in the psyical world, she has done so for years, but she worries about things that affect her family emotionally. She takes the marriage problems as personal failure, and she needs to realize it is not her fault. (at least I believe so.)

Your H has good in him too. Sometimes I wonder if he can pull out of this, often I think he can.

I have a lot of faith in you also Sue, it would be hard not to.

I suppose I won't say "have fun at work," but at least do reasonably well.

SS

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

What I find most frustating is, early in our R, he was kind, considerate, unselfish.

He was that way for most of it, something happened after our second child was born. Maybe I also set the tone, when he was working full time, and going to school fulltime, I did not expect him to do anything around the apartment, except study. After he finished school, I expected it to go back to the way it was.

He used to help with dishes, laundry, cleaning. When we first lived together (OMG, they cohabitated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) (I'll never do that again).
I worked two jobs, he did all the laundry, alot of the cooking, he did not mind doing the dishes. I thougth I died and went to heaven. I remember waking up one morning, and after I got up, he said, oh, good, you are up. I didnt' want to run the vacuum cleaner until you got up. I did not want to wake you. You work alot during the week. I was going to let you sleep.

He also did my laundry for me. He said he did not touch my silk blouses, because he did not want to ruin them.

Like I said, I thought I died and went to heaven. Thought I found every womens dream man.

He was this way most of the time. Somewhere during my pregnancy of our second child, he changed. He started getting selfish, did not want me around, spent alot of money, we barely made it. We split during this period. He met OW, while we were still together. I didn't know what I was going to do.

It seemed like he changed back to the considerate man I first fell in love with. He hinted at us moving in together again. I said not unless we are married. We dated for 2 years, got married. Things were okay, as time went on, he got more selfish again.

On and off, I see the unselfish man. So I know he exists.

Can I have a robot instead. That I can program, and it will not argue back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I hope he will show his unselfish ways, has you have learned to do.

Sometimes I wonder if TV did not help matters. My H, grew up watching alot of TV. Back then, it was always the women who did the work around the house, with little to no help from the guys. He did not have two parents to show how normal famileis do things.

Even the commercials made it sound like women get a thrill from seeing their faces in their dishes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Or the nice shiny floor.

I honestly think my H, thinks I sit around all morning watching TV. I admit the last week, I spent the time sleeping. (that is not normal for me). I had all these plans of things to get done this past week. I lost a week of studying. I tried. Fell asleep alot with a book in my lap.

So, any suggestions on how to get him to realize I need and want help?

He claims he works hard too, after all, he reroofed the house. (now we do not reroof the house everyday, and he has been working on it for almost a year).

He does the yard work (he pays our oldest to mow the grass, I weed the gardens) Before that, he paid the neighbor boy to mow the grass until he moved. I made the mistake of mowing one time, and H did not mow again. At this point, I refused to mow again. I knew he was now expecting me to mow the grass too.

I take out the trash,

So, where is the man I fell in love with? That is what I want to know. He was good about this stuff the first two years we were together.

Sue and SS,

I love reading what you guys post it seems it always helps me with what ever the day has brought.
I too do not like feeling like I am here only to wait on my H,as a matter of fact that is probably what started this whole A thing.
I work also,occasionally my H will surprise me by doing the dishes or picking up not often.I am usually going around the house picking up his stuff from where ever he dropped it off I can always tell where he has been.Shoes,socks,pants,shirt ect.a long trail and guess whats at the end of it? I usually find the little man that made the mess!Like right now he was leaving for work and hunting all over for his wallet he did not even remember where he put it.There I am like helping a child looking for his stuff so he is not late to work.I told him "It sure is a good thing your head is screwed on your neck or I would be looking for that too."I swear if it is not his wallet it is his keys.

And chocolate.....................It use to be the number 1 food item in my diet,even the A has made that craving go away.

Hope you fell better Sue,I know just how you feel being a sinus suffer myself lots of problems infections and allergy.I know how that can just wipe you out.Gives me really bad headaches.

Talk to again soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> With FBOW it is not just a matter of how wonderful she is, all of you gals are wonderful. It is that she doesn't trust herself and her emotional desisions. She knows she can function well in the psyical world, she has done so for years, but she worries about things that affect her family emotionally. She takes the marriage problems as personal failure, and she needs to realize it is not her fault. (at least I believe so.) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This does some how relate to self esteem. When you have more confidence in yourself, you have more confidence in your decisions, whether they be right or wrong. When the time comes for her to make the decision, it will be the right one for her. She will be strong enough emotionally at that time to ge their for her children.

I worry about things that will effect my family emotionally, also, I also know that that, in the worst case scenario, they will be hurt, they will be devestated. They will also be okay in time. And I will be strong enough to help them through it. (I hope things never come to this)

As far as marriage being a personal failure, I agree, it is not her fault. And in time, she will realize it.

Marriage, takes two to create, and takes two to make it work. If one does not care or try, the one that is trying, can only try so long until, she decides they are done.

As with me, I know, I tried, I have tried for a very long time. Emotionally, I am ready for what ever happens. Good or bad. It is the other areas I need to get ready, such as the financial area. So, when the time comes, he will be making some decisions.

However, If it goes to Plan B, I honestly believe it will be a very short Plan B before I move on. Will it be fair to my H? No, after all, I have had more time to adjust to the worst case scenario. Whereas for him, it will be more of a surprise.

When I have a moment, I will pop over to FBOW and say this. I'm not sure why, I know she will read this here.

Hi Sue
How are you feeling?
Any better now that you are on some meds?

Sue,
You understand so well, that sometimes I almost forget you need support.

HOWEVER, we all need it, so I try to give it as best I can. I hate to see you wait so long, It just makes it harder on you.

It seems to me that yours is a really good example of how hardship produces growth and improvement.

At the time, it is not fun at all, but looking back, it often seems to be worth it. I hope when you look back in a few years you are happy with the results. I think you will be.

SS

Thanks

Yes, I am feeling better. Last night I had troubles getting to sleep. Got up today and was back into my usual routine and I don't need a nap. Maybe that is not a good thing, at least today. I took an unwanted trip down memory lane and I did not like the memories.

Tell me again, why do I love him and want my M to work. Here goes all the bad stuff that came back to me.

Hi Guys,

Today is okay. Many memories from the past. Bad memories. They are from when H first met OW, cheated, lied, made me feel like I was crazy, and everything was my fault.

I remember leaving work early one day, H did not want me to pick him up from work. Said he had a ride. As I am walking through the living room, I see out the window a red cavalier leaving. H went and got his check from the mail box and she took him to the bank to deposit it.

When he left, he went to stay with a friend. I don’t know if this was good or bad, but I had friends that lived in his neighborhood. The way it was set up, you had to drive past their block to get to my friends block. (And that was going out of my way to get to my friends, the shortest route was to go by the house). Her car would be parked outside. My friends told me they saw it their almost daily.

Once, I called to talk to him, he said he was out of breath from running. Now this is a man who does not get out of breath from running, he played softball 5 nights a week back then. Tournaments almost every weekend. He had that out of breath sound one gets from lovemaking in the process. So, all I could think of was while he was talking to me on the phone, you guys can guess what she was doing.

Before H left, there was a tournament that H did not tell me about. I found out that all the wives and girlfriends were there. H tells me, when he is at friends house, to pack up the kids and come for a BBQ. I get there, H comes running to the car, takes oldest S, and leaves me to deal with youngest son, baby bag, food he told me to bring. Wives and girlfriends are introducing themselves to me, and said they had hoped to have met me at the game.

H would go running and come back not sweaty in June/July.

After H had left and we had started dating again, H wanted to look at townhomes to buy. I meet him as he asked on a complex being built, and they had the model homes to look at. I get there, the guy comes out, I told him that my boyfriend wanted me to meet him here. He wants me to consider us buying one. I told the salesman that my H was here a couple of days ago. I told him his name, and he calls me by her name. It was on the card they filled out when they first visited. I was very hurt and upset.

H gets there, and I am waiting for him, because he volunteered to pick up the boys for me on his way. I told him I looked at it, and I want the boys so I can go home. H knew I was upset. I told him why. He said, she tagged along. So, why did they fill out the card as if they were looking as a couple.

When H moved out of his friends house, and into an apartment, he said he was sharing it with a friends who were a couple. I wondered if the couple was them. I asked him, he said no. I did not know if I should have believed him.
H was in a car accident one time, snow storm, icy roads. He had whiplash from it. So, he could not work for a while. I brought down the insurance cards to him. He did not know where his was. He did not want me to stay to drive him home. I offered. I now know, she was with him when they had the accident. I recently found a bill from the chiropractor in her name. They were seeing the same chiropractor.

H was coaching HS level hockey with his uncle. They had an out of town tournament, it was far enough away to get a room, but close enough to drive back and forth if you wanted to. On the way to the tournament, H says to me, “you might hear a rumor about OW, using me as her boyfriend.” I question, why would she do that. “Because she is going to a party, and some guy is bugging her to go out, and she does not want to go out with him. She is pretending I am her boyfriend”. I commented how High Schoolish that behavior is, and why doesn’t she just say she is not interested. H tried convincing me that it was better this way. I was not buying that story. He could tell, and he ended it with, I knew you would be upset by this. Lets drop it.

I knew that what ever party she was going to, someone who knew me was going to be their, and he was afraid word would get back to me that she is telling everyone about their R.

My sister was invited to a wedding that H was invited to, and so was OW. My sister said it was so comical. She kept trying to behave affectionate, you know, hand on shoulder, that sort of stuff, and H kept shrugging her off.

God, I was so stupid. I know, I believed him because I wanted to. I questioned whether or not I should have believed him.

We never resolved this stuff.

I knew before we got married I should have resolved these issues. I knew I should have. I was afraid to confront at the time. I was afraid he would leave me again. I did not want that.

You know what, even though these memories are at 6-8 years old, they are still painful to recall.

I also know that I am not afraid of his walking when I confront. I will be okay if he leaves me. I just have to make sure I am ready for it.