I would have preferred my worst memory in life to be the one where I forgot I had Gym that day in HS, (We wore white blouses with dark blue shorts). And that day I chose to where my red bra, because I was wearing a red sweater that day. (I had a male gym instructor) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

hi sue!

i really starting to read others post now! before it was to painful! Geee's.....! I feel for you!

but i have a question for you. was it around this time last year you found out about your H's A?

Randy left one year ago on the 19th! I remember last year i kept on holding back the tears. i kept on thinking, "this is not the way it should be! i am married to him. we should be together damn it"! I started to miss him the day he accepted that freakin job! I sobbed all day! But I had my son's surgery on my mind too.

so what do you do when those nasty little triggers hit? Zorwebs description of a memory. Because I have them all the time!

Ali What about that bonfire is WI cheeseland?

sorry about my typing. I am typing with one hand and our keyboard is messed up! you'd think after 8 months of it being broken, i'd by a new one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I found out about the A, a year ago last April. Most of the time I do pretty good. The first couple of months were horrible. I also had school and my goal to graduate to keep me focused on myself, so I was able to distract myself from the issues of the A.

I usually make it through July without any problems. 8 years ago, he left me for the same OW. 6 months later we started dating again. 2 years later we married. As you saw from my last post, I was afraid to ask about the OW, and we never resolved it. Now I wonder if it ever really ended. I really don't think it did.

When I get a trigger, I usually allow myself the time to cry about it. I don't yell at H, or take it out on him. Besides, most of the time, he is not around when I get a trigger. When I push it back, it keeps coming to the surface and each time it screams louder at me until I deal with it. I found that out when I was not dealing with the discovery that the A was either restarted or still going on. Because of school, I was able to successfuly push it back. Boy, when a break hit, I hit a all time low.

Lately I have been having dreams of OW, and past stuff has been comeing back to haunt me. Probably because we never resolved it back then. My H like to sweep things under the rug. He is a conflict avoider, and I am somewhere inbetween avoiding and confronting.

It takes time. It took me about 6 months from when he first left me 8 years ago, to get to a point where I could move on. That is when he came back. He saw I was moving on without him.

Oh, and I have not heard anything more about the Bonefire in WI. (did you notice I refrained from WI jokes this time).

I'm sure an update will be comeing soon

Hi Sue,

Long day for me I just got home and decided to check in before I went to bed and I am so glad I did a nice chance for me to get to know just a little bit more about you.

What you are talking about is just what I am dealing with the need to work through and deal with the issue at hand so that in years to come it does not come back to haunt us(me & H)He does not want to deal with his infidelity he wants to sweep it under the rug.

Like you brought up in your post by not really resolving the problem is that what is causing the turmoil you are finding yourself faceing now.
And who is this woman that would be satisfied with a part time man.Does she have no brains!!Cant she see by now that the chances of your H leaving you are probably slim or don't you think he would be gone by now?

I am so sorry to hear of all you have went through with H.You say your life looks like a walk in the park compared to mine.I don't think so Sue you have been through alot.

You don't say alot about your boys I am just curious how old are they? They must be very good boys.I love little boys they are so sweet,I have a very close relationship with my oldest son he is almost 26 and still thinks mom can fix anything if there is a problem he calls mom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I just wish it was that simple and I really could just fix everything.

Try and have a good night talk to you soon.

Tell me again, why do I love him and want my M to work. Here goes all the bad stuff that came back to me.

Actually, you can leave any time you want to. You really can. BUT, you are still there.

Now, I know all about taking the boards, and getting the job, but you could do it right now if you wanted.

Why don't you tell us the good, why you loved him back then, and why you don't walk now. I know that if Sue's mind was already made up, Sue would be gone. What else holds you there?

SS

Sue I forgot to ask.
What caused the trigger today?
Something H did or said or did not do or say?
Just the date?
Or did something happen today?

Just wondering and worried for you!

You asked, you got the story. Long one, so you might want to get a cup of coffee, or something cold to drink before you settle down to read.

Ginger - your question first - easiest to answer

Boys 9 & 8, They love hockey, they want to be goalies (unless they change their minds again). Expensive sport

Oldest, thinks no one loves him, says he has no friends. When I drop him off at school, for a boy who has no friends, I saw plenty calling his name. Very serious, stubborn and needs lots of hugs

Second one - had a girlfriend in preschool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (thats me frowning) I thought what PRESCHOOL, OMG, what will happen when he is a teenager.

Kindergarten, a girl was passing him notes. Teacher said she was "sweet" on him. Another girl teasing him on bus. (son gets introuble for giving her the bird <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

He likes to tell jokes and make people laugh.

First grade - no girlfriend (thank god)
Second grade - no girlfriends (Wheww,)
Mom is now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Also no more birds on bus

All the kids play soccer.

What caused the trigger, I have no idea. H did not do anything. They just came. Maybe it is the month of July. I don't know. Maybe things are going to good, and I got scared.

SS-

Why did I fall in love with him.

When we first met, I thought him aroggant and conceited. Over time, I saw a nice, sweet, considerate, respectful man who coached with his uncle the midget hockey level. He played ball a couple of times a week, he was sensitive to my feelings, made me feel special.

I remember when I turned 31, for some reason, when he wished me "happy birthday" I cried. Later his brother wishes me happy birthday, I see H out of the corner of my eye, trying to wave him off. By this time, I did not want to cry. H cooked me a nice dinner, and cake.

When we cohabitated, I was working two jobs. H did the housework. He said, you work alot, and need the rest. He did my laundry. I thougth I died and went to heaven. I thought a man who helps with the housework. Over time, he remained this way. We had a break up because of an ex girlfriend of his. She had a drinking problem and was emotionally unstable. H, would not tell her to quit calling him. He did not want to be responsible for her suicide attempt. (She was successful, for lack of a beter word). About 6 months later, we got back together. H was married before me. I am his second wife. While we were dating again, I realized I was competing with the memory of his first wife. He was not over the divorce. So, I was considering ending it again. I found out I was pregnant with OS. Didn't know what to do. Told H, about PG, we decided to live together again and be a family. H proposes M. I said yes, but I wanted to wait until H was done with school. (H returned to Vo-TEch). All is going well. H is the same man I fell in love with. Kind, considerate, helpful. During this time, I did most of the housework around the apartmen. H was going to school all day every day, then he was working Full time evenings. Weekends was his study time. H graduates from school, I'm pregnant with MS. Things are going okay. Almost as good as before. Somewhere near the end of the pregnancy H starts to change. Shows less interest in me, and our second child, second child is born, H barely wants anything to do with him. And the previous post covers alot of the memories from that time.

Household very stressful. I think I suffered a mild case of postpartum depression, not sure, was not diagnosed.

I keep wondering what happened to the man I fell in love with? Sometimes I see him and other times I get the creepy one. If H was like the creepy one, I never would have been interested in him in the first place.

What keeps me here, I really don't know. OS, has asked me to divorce his dad. If that happens I worry he will blame himself because he asked me to.

I worry about the other two. D is close to her daddy.

When we first moved into the house, things appeared to be okay.

I know I love him. If I didn't he would not be able to hurt me. Love is not enough to make a M work. It is a starting point, but not enough. Besides, I don't know if he loves me. He does not tell me. This past valentines day was the closest he came, He wrote it on the card.

He gave me flowers for our anniversary. He had not done that in years. The last time he gave me flowers prior to this was when he proposed 9 years ago (the first time). He had this really nice engagement ring picked out and everything. (I saw the receipt, it was expensive too.) I thougth I was one lucky girl that he thought that much of me. He was laid off. We needed the money for bills, so he took it off layaway. When we got married, I got a 30.00 gold band. Last anniversary, he bought me a ring with diamonds, not the one I wanted, a smaller version. I decided to accept it, after all, it was an upgrade. Why don't I mean as much to him now as I did when he first proposed.

I always wonder, did he come back because of the CS he was paying me? Did it bother him that I was moving on with my life, and that meant he would be a PT daddy to his boys, and eventually someone else would be a FT daddy.

When he started asking me to date, after we split, I thought I saw the man I fell in love with again. WAs I wrong?

Honestly, I do not move forward because at this time, I could not make it. Yes, it is financial. Rent in our area, for an apartment that would accommodate a family of 4 is almost the same as my morgtage payment. Rent is expensive here. My check would cover the mortgage, daycare and possibly the electric and gas. What would I feed the kids on?, how would I get to work? There is a bus that runs 4 times to my work, that is it. I couldn't even afford the bus fare. I would have to spend about 2 hours oneway riding the bus to get kids to daycare, school and me to catch bus that goes to work. So, a car is the practical way to go.

Kids would have to give up all activities.

AS you can tell, I am not counting on CS to support my family on. I cannot. When H is working, I would get enough CS that I could afford it on my own. When H is unemployed, and in todays unstable economy, that is likely to happen next month. The job he is on, is scheduled to be completed in August. If there is no more work, that means unemploymetn again. Which means, I could not make ends meet on CS based on unemployment wages.

Ideally, I'd like my kids to come from an intact home.

Yes, my mind is made up, once boards are done, and I find a job, I will confront. I know I will be okay then. I cannot do it now.

No, there is no family I can go to for help. My brother can barely support his family. My older sister, makes just enough to support herself, she is happy where she is living and there is no room for me and my kids. My sister just under me, single, lives with my brother and hs wife. (another reason why there is no room for me and kids) Sister just under her, single mom, divorced, works, and gets assistance. I cannot move in with her, she would lose her assistance, her daughter, my neice, just had a baby at the age of 17, so she has that to deal with. Sister under her, doing okay, married, two kids, her H, would not be willing to help us, even by us moving in, sister under her, married to a pot head, both unemployed, sister back in school, baby sister, married to a ,well, lets just leave it at that. I've asked if I seperated from H, if any of them were willing to move in and help with expenses, and kids, no one wants to. Sister who is married and doing well, her H is worried I would lose the house in a divorce, does not want to give up cheap apartment. Other sister does not want to lose the assitance she has, she was on a waiting list for so long to get it. She struggled for years trying to get by, now she is actually making ends meet.

I've given it lots of thought. Kids would be the biggest loser in this if my timing is wrong. They will lose anyway, I want them to have to make minimal sacrifices.

I gotta go to bed. It is 2am my time

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 02:11 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Somehow saying "Hi Sue" kind of sounds trite after your last two posts.
Maybe I'll just start.

Somewhere near the end of the pregnancy H starts to change. Shows less interest in me, and our second child, second child is born, H barely wants anything to do with him. And the previous post covers a lot of the memories from that time.....................I keep wondering what happened to the man I fell in love with? Sometimes I see him and other times I get the creepy one. If H was like the creepy one, I never would have been interested in him in the first place.

My belief is that people who do things wrong ( have an A) often suffer because of it. It affects all parts of their life, and changes kind, loving people into - well, not so kind and loving people. I believe if he would quit the A, the nice guy would come back to live with you.

What keeps me here, I really don't know. OS, has asked me to divorce his dad. If that happens I worry he will blame himself because he asked me to.

I know you consider everything, and some of it hurts. I believe you are smart enough to make a correct choice. I am not as worried now as I was last fall, because I know you better now. I still wince sometimes when you post your pain.

I know I love him. If I didn't he would not be able to hurt me. Love is not enough to make a M work. It is a starting point, but not enough. Besides, I don't know if he loves me. He does not tell me. This past valentines day was the closest he came, He wrote it on the card.

He'll get his chance. I hope for his sake that he makes the right choice. It would be a foolish man that could give up what you have become. When I say that, I believe I know what you will say, but I stand by it. All of us can do better, but that doesn't take away from the good we do.

I always wonder, did he come back because of the CS he was paying me? Did it bother him that I was moving on with my life, and that meant he would be a PT daddy to his boys, and eventually someone else would be a FT daddy.

We could all play "what if" forever. He is with you, and you have a chance to make this work. You still have a chance.

When he started asking me to date, after we split, I thought I saw the man I fell in love with again. Was I wrong?
Part of him is still in there. I hope you can get him back. Don't worry so much about what happens, he'll make the choice to be your H or not. If he chooses not to, leaving is just a natural consequence, not something done for spite. The best thing he can do for the kids is to love you like he should. Sometimes words fail me.

I've given it lots of thought. Kids would be the biggest loser in this if my timing is wrong. They will lose anyway, I want them to have to make minimal sacrifices.

Remember to take care of you along with the kids. They depend on you for everything. Somehow that makes me feel good about their future.

gotta go to bed. It is 2am my time

I can kind of see you there, thinking, and typing a little. Then thinking some more.

Now it's tomorrow, and another day. Your mood is long gone - today's tasks occupy your time. Just wanted you to know there are other people that understand. Do you know God loves you?

SS

Hi Sue!

That's ok I didn't take any offence! Love the land of Cheese and Holsteins! Don't you know!
It took our move up to WI to figure out what a FIB stands for and Flatlanders. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, I had four rolls of film that needed to be developed and unfortunately two was rolls that I had taken when I was in Texas. Looking at Randy's face in the picture wanting to get rid of me so he can start the physical affair just ripped another hole in me! Seeing that apartment, the date on the pictures, what he looked like then (the cockyness attitude.)I remembering him telling me that when I was in texas, tramp wrote him an e-mail that she wanted a special night alone with him! That is what I see on his face in those pictures!

I thought the rolls were the picture's our baby's surgery and some from Christmas. I didn't realize it was from Texas! So, in other words a trigger hit hard!

I would love to lock myself in the room and cry! But I am not allowed the time and that's where the problem lies! I just stuff it and when I see Randy that pang in my stomach begins! And that is usually when I come on here!

I not sure if I am reading this correctly but you still think your H. might be with the ow?

Ali

Ali,

I think contact is less. I know contact continues. He was with her last november, and I last February.

Well, good news and bad news regarding boards. Good news is, this morning H hands me a check, (he did some work for a friend, and they paid him. They did not feel righ asking him to do it for nothing.) It was more than enough for boards. H tells me to register and schedule my test.

Bad news - I LOST THE CHECK, it is somewhere in the house. I was really tired when he gave ti to me. I saw it on the counter later in the morning, and I thought, I should move it to a safer spot. Well, I would not call it safe. I don't know where it is. I looked all morning. I'm going to look more tommorrow. Hopefully after a good nights sleep, I will remember.

I am so mad at myself. I should have known better. I was tired, I should have known, I would not remember where I put it. I don't remember picking it up.

Hi Sue,

LOST THE CHECK no I did not read that right?
Please tell me you found it.What a nice thing for him to do give you the money.Was there a little bit of your old H in that moment?

As I read what you wrote I can understand completely why you do what you do.I feel I have been there makeing those life changing decisions.You have alot on your shoulders your children are young about the ages mine were when I decided I needed to get out of my M.

I often ask my self why do I love this man after all I have been through.Like you I may not be able to answer the question completely but I know I do because of the pain.It just would not hurt I would not care if I did not love him.

You are a strong person but even strong people need help,a support system, it sounds like you have checked out possibility's and they just are not there,it would be the same for me.It is so hard when you have nobody to depend on except yourself it is hard.

My children over the years have asked me the same question "Mom why don't you leave dad" I always thought how sad that they would be happier if thier father was not here with us.

Sue you will be fine I am sure,I do wonder if your H will be.I don't think he really knows what he has in you.Sometimes we don't until it is gone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I wish I could say I found the check. I'm going to to bed when I get home, get a good nights sleep and hope I remember in the morning what I did with it.

I was so frustrated and mad at myself.

I'll be back later

Hi Sue

Does H know that you miss placed the check?
(I don't want to say that it is lost I'm sure it is not)
What will he do?
My H would probably want to ring my neck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

If you are lurking around out there I just want to tell you that here it is almost the weekend again and I am soooooooooooooooo tired!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I already told you what to do.

I say, tell the kids once, next time spank them. Is it your turn?
( but I never do, and I'm just kidding.)

Ok, it's hard to be serious this late at night, but I really do think you should get more rest. You and Sue, and FBOW all work to hard. I don't think I could trade places with my W or any of you.

I suppose there are things I can do that she can't do, but I still think you gals are amazing.

Ginger, I do hope you can get some rest, that you don't have to work both days this weekend.

SS

Well, no check yet. I cannot think of another place to look.

I know my H could always tell him, ask him to write another one, and cancel the first one. Deduct the fees from the check. It is not the end of the world. H act like it is.

Bank fees I know are high, but it beats not finding the check.

I will keep looking, today, tomorrow and Sunday. If I still have not found it, then I will tell H, I think he needs to contact the writer of the check and tell them.

Wish me luck.

OK Sue

Good luck.
I hate to say this but I am glad it is you and not me I know how my H would react and it probably would not be pretty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hows everything today?
Feeling better?Physically and emotionally?

I'm ok.not great,not the worst I have ever been just ok.A little irritated,I worked all day yesterday the minute I got home I started putting the house back together after having the kids.Then took lunch to H at work,did the grocery shopping and came home it was about 8:30p by that time I had been on my feet since I woke up at 4:30a I was dead tired.

Come home from work today and the place is a mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> that makes me so angry like H does not count what I do as anything important.I am not his maid,and to top it off he is out and about enjoying his day off.
Sorry I needed to vent a little,I'm done,I'll try to be nice from now on.

H, is having a cow over it. Right down to where he is name calling. Or I should say, did it once.

Conversation went like this:

Me: If I cannot find it, I know you don't want to, but you could call him, and ask for a new check, minus any bank fees.

H: Oh yeah, I'm supposed to say my dumba** wife lost the check. She lost a $000.00 check.

Me: I did not do it on purpose. I was tired, not thinking straight. You should try walking in my shoes for a month, lets see how you will be.

H: Lets not start that again. I gotta go.

A couple of hours later, I call him

Me: Still mad?

H: Did you find the check?

Me: No. And I looked the whole time. I know losing the check was careless and irresponsible of me. However, that does not justify name calling. When have I named called you? I treat you with more respect than that.

H: I gotta go

I did not say anything when he first insulted me, because if I did it would have been like me telling him to "bite me" or worse. So, I bit my tongue until I could be civil. But I do not let it slide. (This is why my H thinks I am a b****)

I'm not sure he wants me to do all the looking that I am doing. I found an e-ticket to Vegas. I cannot read the dates. I want to know what the dates are for, it will tell me which trip he was on. Is this a trip I already know about, or is this one I don't know about and I thougth he was somewhere else?

I've decided, I do not agree to anymore trips, work related or not.

Hi Sue

Sorry to hear things went like that but I will say I am not surprised.It would have been the same if the situation was here at my house.

Not a good day in this house hold either,I am so tired of my H thinking I am an idiot.Or at least that is how he treats me and if I say anything he brings everything back to the A and how I will never let him live it down.

First of all he stayed up way past 2 in the morning then he comes to bed and wants to cuddle and kiss and I have to get up in a couple of hours,if he was tired and I did that he would be tell me to stop.Then I get up and notice he had drank a whole six pack of beer,that did not make me happy.
When he comes home this afternoon I can tell he has been drinking and when I ask him about it he denies it like I am stupid and cant tell,then he goes into this long story of how he only had a beer I say by your voice I know you have had alot more then one.Thats when he starts acting like your H saying stuff like what ever putting on his head phones I don't want to talk to you stuff like that turning it all around like I am the one starting all the problems.
What is wrong with these guys,why cant they see how they treat us.

I told my H I could not remember how much last weeks bank deposit was that I forgot to write it down,I started looking for the reciept and could not find it he gets all bent out of shape with me I said its not like I don't do anything else all day then manage the check book(which he always seems to screw up by not telling me of his withdraws)
Sorry Sue I guess I should shut up and get off of here I am just not in a good mood right now.

Hope your night goes better I should not write those things you have your own stuff to deal with.Please forgive me for using your post to vent my frustrations on.

Ill check in later with you maybe I will calm down by then.