Ginger,

Thats okay. You need to vent just like everyone else.

I know I have asked you this before, I will ask it again. I'm guessing because of a small town, this is why you don't. Have you looked into Al-anon. I really think you could benefit from it.

And as a small town, I think the town knows your H drinks alot.

Or get books on Co-dependancy. Beware, I've read them, there is a conflict with co-dependancy and some MB principles. Also keep in mind, that when you are dealing with substance abuse, MB principles, ....... I'm trying to find the right wording. They may not be as effective. Alcohol, drugs, etc, effect how the brain thinks. Especially if someone has a problem. I hate to tell you this, I know you want to save your M, but, if he does not do something about the drinking, you may have to make a decision. It bothers you, alot. I can tell, and I was there, not with my H, with someone else. Because of him, I do not tolerate substance abuse. I cannot.

He could quit drinking, if he does not seek professional help with it, from professional chemical depencancy people, well, he may not get the right help. It has been over 12 years since I went to all the support groups and stuff, so my memory on what they said is vague, so I'd hate to misquote something.

How far are you from a larger town/city? Is there one close enough where you could attend Al-anon? I honestly think you would benefit from it.

Just a short note to let you know I still check in on you, Sue. I think you are handling things beautifully.

Right now, I don't know if I should laugh or cry, or maybe both.

Earlier today, H calls me, he is on his way home from work.

Traffic is at a standstill on the freeway. Some guy, not paying attention, rear-ends my H at 60 MPH. H is now in a collar. The guy is also uninsured. I told my H, that one, get to a Dr., two, we will research attorneies. H, was hurting by the time he called me. State Patrol on the way.

H just went back to work after 6 months of unemployment. Now this.

Normally, I'm not quick to call attornies, I have a friend, who was rear-ended 8 years ago, she still has major problems. She had a bad attorney. Poor settlement. She cannot follow most of her Drs. advice because they cannot afford it. If they had a good settlement, then they could have followed his advise. They sold their home, so they could buy one more compatable to her disability. She has to limit her stair walking. Too hard on her back. So, now, I say, call a lawyer, find out what to do, in case. Best case scenario, we did everything for nothing and H is find. Worst is, H is permanently injured, and has to be retrained fro a differnt type of work. That will cost money. His being out of work will cost money

<small>[ July 19, 2003, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Oh, and MOJ, nice to hear from you again. Sorry I forgot to say that

HI Sue,

I cant believe it,did it total the car?
I thought I only had a life like that,that other people's lives went smooth.

As for H.I guess because he is not a sloppy drunk I don't think of him as needing help or me.But I do know it is a problem because it seems the longest he ever goes with out drinking is a day or two.And he will point it out to me,Ginger I have not drank in two days he might say.
I think it bothers me most because of dark ugly memories of him being really drunk and the things he did.He does not drink like that anymore.Its those haunting memories and the fact that I just don't like it when he has more than two beers he says mean things to me,so therefore I think if he truely loves me like he says then he would do it for me to make me happy.
An occasional drink on the holidays or a BBQ would not bother me.

As for the closest city or town with resources.I would have to drive 100 miles each way.I cant do that right now.I drive out of town so much as it is.We bought a new car 1 1/2yrs. ago I have over 30,000 miles already I think they say average driving is between 12,000 to 15,000 a year,by the end of the year I will probably have close to or over 40,000 on my car.

H is up so I am going to go talk to you later

Car, no it was not totaled. Surprised. Bumber is loose, and marred in a couple of spots. (Saturn).

I just got he video of my D's dance recital. My neices are in it too. I'm watching it right now.

Yesterday was a fun day. H had a teammate come pick him up so he could watch the game he could not play in. He was not happy about it.

He calls me and says the team and their girlfriends are coming for a BBQ. (What the whole team). No, it was a couple team members, their family. Wheewww. That is much better.

It was fun.

Down side., H brings out pictures of November Vegas trip. I asked H a question.

Here it goes.

Me: Who did you go with again? (I knew what he told me)

H: Dave

Me: No, that is not what you told me before

H: Perkins is his nickname

Me: No, you said the apprentice

H: You mean Boyd (or he said boy) Not sure which

Me: Ohhhh

(He said Tom, when he went). BUSTED Add that to the old memory banks for later.

Gotta finish watching video. D is up soon

Oh, with technology, the videos are better. My neice (she is 17 now) She has been attending this dance center since she has been 4. The videos back then, you could hardly see the dancers. This guy, has zooms, spanning, and is inserting boxes, so you are viewing two veiws at the same time.

One girl was so cute in my D's group. Now, for weeks before the recital, she had the background in the dance center so the girls were used to it and did not do what one girl did. Come out on stage and at the beginning, all she did was look at the backdrop. Of course, at age 4, they are always cute.

Hi Sue,

Glad to hear the car was not damaged to bad.
How is your H was he hurt bad?

Sounds like fun the BBQ,not fun the trip down memory lane.

What happened with the check you did not say?

Why did your H go to Vegas without you.Was it suppose to be for work?

I don't know when he went. The date is not readable

H is off of work for two weeks. Maybe more. His neck and back are sore/stiff, the whole bit.

I'm leaving here in a minute to take the car to the bodyshop to schedule an appt. The car is veering to the left. It could have been worse

HI Sue,

Hows life today?

Busy, busy, busy.

Overslept, so trash did not get out. I forgot to do it last night.

Had to get bread and milk, went to the store,

H went to Dr.

Took kids to Grandmas

I went to bodyshop with car

Went to have my CPR certif. renewed. Had to take a class.

Trying to get kids in bed.

Smell something funny, I'm wondering if puppy did you know what behind the computer desk. Desk is heavy, I will have to ask my sisters if htey will come help move it since H cannot

Hi Sue,

I get tired just reading all that you have to do in the day.
Did you stay home from work last night?

H and I had a big blow out.I cant seem to make him understand the way I feel.He says forget what he did move on its over.Thats easier said than done.
I guess I need to accept this is all I will get out of him and just move on even if I am not completly happy with it.I really would like complete healing from this but don't see it happening.
H never likes to do anything that makes him uncomfortable so its always up to me to swallow my pride or push my feelings aside and go on.
I need to leave for work just wanted to see if you were still out there somewhere.

Have a good day I'll check in after work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Sue, everyone.

I notice that all the little things in life don't quit when really bad stuff happens to us. The bills still come in the mail, accidents happen, and the puppy goes behind the desk instead of barking to be let out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sue,
I can imagine you thinking about things. I can imagine your bad days, when you wonder why you are still there, and you think about what will happen when you get things squared around a little better. I believe you trying so long is not really because you couldn't leave, I believe it is the mark of what kind of person you are. You do what you have to do, and when the world caves in on you, you still do what you have to do, and make things work.

I still wish I knew how to help more, but since I'm not very good at it, I'm just sending a little bit of cheer from my world to yours. I know if no one recognizes your effort, you will keep doing the work anyway, but wanted you to know that someone notices.

SS

SS - you are right, I do do what needs to be done, and keep on going. I do have my limits. I know what they are. When I feel comfortable to be able to move on, I will. That will be when I am financially in a position to take care of me and the kids. It is important to me. It has to be this way. I know why. I used to babysit for a woman on welfare. Married young, divorced after 4 kids, barely making it. I swore I would never be in that position.

Ginger -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cant seem to make him understand the way I feel.He says forget what he did move on its over. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is avoiding the situation. You cannot make him understand is he is not willing.

So, you either have to accept it and move on, or not accept it and make decision around that.

The ball is in your court. I understand that you love your H. You want your M to work. It takes to two make it work. Not one. You have to make decisions based upon what you can handle, what you are willing to tolerate and not tolerate.

In time, you will know the answer. Instead of pushing him, use this time for yourself. What does Ginger want for Ginger?

Thanks Sue,

These are all things I know.It is funny last night when we were having our heated arguement he leaned his head back on the sofa,I looked at him and all the sudden I could see the boy I fell in love with not the man he has become,I just stared at him I have not seen that face for a very long time, it was so strange.He looked at me and asked what are you looking at,I said for a minute I just saw the boy who use to love me so much that he would do anything for me and nothing to hurt me.I just started to cry.

Every day I tell myself today I will only think of me not him.I just cant for some reason,I don't know why I don't understand it.
I ask myself all the time with all he has put me through why in the world do I still love him,why does this hurt me so much.This should have been my out.It isn't that way though.

Coming to the reality of what my life and M are is so hard,this is not what I dreamed of.I guess I want the dream so bad that I am trying to make it happen and it is not and I get angry.I know it is probably not so,but when I think of him with her I always picture him doing and saying everything to her that I have always wanted.Maybe I am the one causing my own pain.

Thanks again Sue,I always cherrish your advise,I feel so dumb,I should be the strong one giving you advice not the other way around.

Ginger

Repeat after me.

I am not dumb, I am not dumb, I am not dumb.

Now keep repeating until you believe it.

Or you could say,

I am smart, I am smart, I am smart, I am smart.

I like that one better.

It takes time and practice to put yourself first. For years you have put your own needs on a back burner. Now is the time to practice what is good for Ginger. Evaluate your life. Only you can decide, do you want to stay and make your M work? Do you want to go seek what Ginger wants? (with or without him).

If you decide to stay in the M, can you accept it on his terms? If not, what terms are acceptable to you? Are you ready to spell out your terms? If not, that is okay, will you be ready? Thats okay too.

This is your life, your M, your decision. Only you can decide what matters most, what can you live with. Can you stay with him, and his attitude not take a peice of you with it?

It takes time to look at your life, make decisions on which way to go with it. Rome was not built in a day

Sue,

You are so funny and so right.

I guess Ive been so busy over the last 26yrs.that I never stopped to think what do I want?
My oldest D is so encouraging always telling me how good I am, how smart,she would love to see me go back to school.
My son-in-law always makes me feel good about me,tells my D all the time I hope you look like your mom at 40.

This past year has just really done me in.Sometimes I feel like I can not even think straight let alone make plans.
I know that I am afraid,and have put up a huge wall around me so that I can not get hurt anymore.I don't know if I can let go and just move forward in life.

I sound very mental tonight,I think I really need some sleep about two days worth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hows work?
Hows H?
Whats new on the home front for you Sue?

Homefront - quiet. H sleeps alot. They call it drug induced. Can't fight when one is sleeping. Except H has told me I've hit him in my sleep, so maybe it is possible

It is possible that your H does see how great you are. His self esteem is so low, that he does not want others seeing it in you, so he has to try to keep you in your place. (so to speak)

Kind of reminds me of the time when H and I stopped dating. We still worked together. I lost abotu 30 pounds. Went from a size 12 to 8. H kept telling my I had a fat rear end at a size 8. I'm 5'7". So, how can a size 8 have a fat behind at my height I ask you? H was getting a lot nervous that others might find me attractive. (and they did). When he made comments like that, I just asked, what, worried? Or jeaous? I told him straight out that I know I look good, and he can comment all he wants, it just shows his insecurity.

Thanks again Sue

Is that all I ever say is thanks!!

I have a hard time accepting complements I don't know why.
I have always taken care of myself,I am still the same size as in HS,I take that back I am smaller than in HS.I'm 5'4" 108" size 4 it depends my work pants are a 2.H always complains says I need to put on some weight.I tell him,I have been like this my whole life why should it bother you.Maybe because he has put on weight I don't know.He thinks he looks good and tells me so.I tell him it is sure funny that other men tell me your H is so lucky my W put on so much weight with the kids.Maybe you always want what you do not have.OW was bigger than me,she was even taller than my H.

A couple of young girls I work with are so funny one told me the other day that if she had my body I would not want to know what she would do with it.

I guess maybe it is me my personality I don't look at myself and think wow I look good,as a matter of fact since the A,I really feel unlovely,and wonder if H did not love me why would someone else.I hate not having much self confidence.This is something I know I need to work on.

I am so jealous, you are smaller than when in HS. I wish I was my HS size, it would still be smaller than I am now. That was the size 12 in me.

You need to start seeing yourself for who you really are. Phsycally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. You are one amazing woman. If only you could see it.

I don't know how accurate this is, a long time ago, I read that when a spouse has an A, they pick someone who is less attractive than their spouse. Double edge sword that one is. On one hand they found someone physically less desirable, on the other hand, it is an insult.

I hate double edge swords. They hurt no matter what.

Now Ginger, make a plan to do something nice for yourself. How about everyday, you make an effort, even if it is a small one, to treat Ginger to something nice, whether it be lunch out with the girls from work, or a compliment to yourself about what ever about yourself. Recognize your accomplishments and pat yourself on the back. (Someone has to). I cannot think of any more at this time. I think you follow me.