Hi Sue
How is work tonight?
H works late so Ive been online tonight.

The center sounds like a great place.
Do you mind me asking why do you feel so nervous about the boards?
I know they must not be easy but you are very intellegent what makes it so nerve racking for you?
I'm just wondering.
I hope that does not sound like a dumb question.

SUE-
You can do it. I know it.
Wanted you to know I did what I wanted- I am now sitting in Lincoln, NE waiting to move into my dorm room on August 18 and begin finishing my degree on August 25. I have even bought my OWN TRUCK in MY NAME- something I have never done alone.
I miss my kids and my husband but they seem to be doing well. My husband seems a little stunned that I actually did follow through and left to do this.
We're strong women, Sue. We both can do it.

Well, I will be quick here

I am doing lots of studying, today I didn't make it to the center, sort of bummed about that. But, thats okay. I will get back there. Next week I can't go at all, daycare is on vacation. I will continue to study. I enrolled in the centers online course, so I can study from home too. Some of their information is not available online, so the following week, I will get byself back there and finish up the focus books. I hope to have them done by the end of the month, do the sample tests, evalute any weak areas and concentrate on them.

The homefront, well, its okay

Intercepted e-mails from OW. I did notice one thing, H usually does not e-mail her first, it is her e-mailing him and suggesting activities. There is no "I love you"'s or stuff like that. But she keeps trying to set up dates.

So, like a good wife that I am, I make sure I make plans with my hubby for those dates and time frames. After all, he is my husband and I should have first consideration.

Mojodiva - good to hear from you. I'm glad to hear you are furthering yourself. You sound so excited about this. What is your major? Do you have past college credits? How long will it take you to finish school?

Please, remember to take care of your M. If I remember your H is in the military, correct? When will he be out, is he and the kids going to join you in Nebraska? I hope you guys have a plan to keep your marriage safe. I hope your H is very supportive of this. How are the kids doing?

I know, so many questions. You have been gone for a while.

Well, gotta get back to work. Will update more soon I hope

Hi Sue

Are these e-mails recent?

Maybe you should e-mail her back and set up a date and then blow her away when you walk in instead of H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What is wrong with this woman?She has to know your H isn't going anywhere or would'nt he be gone by now?

Very recent.

I thought about e-mailing her back and telling her that "I can't, I'm taking my wife out" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Instead I decided to do nothing.

She would not care if I showed up. She has the sort of personality that she has the upper hand, and if I was taking care of my man, he would not be looking else where.

I think my H also has issues with letting go. I know one time, way back when, we had split up, it was because of an xGF, he kept coming over, at least once a week to see how I was doing. I was doing fine, and told him so. So, that is why I think he has a hard time letting go.

I really don't like women like that.

How about this,tell her that H comes with 3 kids,and you need a week off to study here are the kids see you next week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm just kidding of course.
But I wonder who would have the upper hand then.
The one thing I really did not like about my H affair was he thought he had the right to show her pic. of MY kids.

That was none of her business she had her own baby who in my oppinion did not care about to much after all she brought the baby with her when she slept with my H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
That thought makes me so sick.Not just with her but with my H.How could he do that,I lost some respect when I found out this piece of info.
Oh just thinking of it get me so sick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sue,
Love the idea of you setting up stuff with hubby during the times she is attempting to get together with him. LOL
My going off to college was actually my husband's idea. I had to leave college during the time he was a civilian and there was a ton of anger and resentment surrounding that sacrifice. He knew this and it was an important thing to him for me to be also contributing to the household monetarily (I never knew this because he never said anything). When he first asked me about it it was before I found out about his affair and further contact with the OW via email. My gut told me he was trying tog et rid of me, and he admits now that it partially was this motivation at first, but a larger reason was that I was not happy and he knew I was still angry about having to leave college because of his own selfishness (and he uses that word- not me).
After I found out about the affair I refused to leave like I had planned. You know of course how terrified you can feel. Then I started become angry that, once again, his bad behavior was screwing up MY plans. Four months into recovery he brought it up again and I had to confess to still considering leaving to finish my degree. Also, a part of me needed to get some space from him and re-evaluate my own needs and wants. The next 9 months is going to be just about me, Because it seems that the positive changes I have been making are making positive changes in our marriage.

I have about 5 semesters of work to finish my Bachelor's in English. My kids wanted to stay in Guam and they are both very supportive of me being at school. If I didn't trust my husband as a *parent* I would never have been able to do this. Its trusting my husband 100% with fidelity I am having a bit of trouble with. I have had a couple panic attacks this week (I've been away from home now for exactly one week) just thinking and wondering what he is doing and saying while playing Yahoo games. He has, however, left both his yahoo accts open for me to see, and he doesn't play with the same women over and over again (I Know because I check). And we both now play together on the site (we like Literati).

It didn't help that my husband, about a month ago, started pushing me to 'get even with him' and have an affair of my own this December. HE felt that it would make me less angry, would make us even, and he wouldn't have to keep worrying that I was going to do it anyway. No kidding, he actually said that. He also commented that once I had the affair I could never say one more word about his own. Ha! It didn't take much at all to figure out he was trying to lessen his own guilt and get himself out of being the 'bad' one.

What he didn't realize is this suggestion made me feel a couple things he hadn't even considered. It made me feel less valued & cherished as a wife- since he was so ready and willing to share me with someone else. And it made me paranoid, because I felt like he was trying to set me up- I'd do the deed and he'd have a better reason not to work on this marriage (by claiming later he couldn't handle it). After awhile, I finally got tired of it and told him it was never going to happen and to stop talking about it. He dropped it immediately.

I'm trying to be very careful. I just picked up Divorce Busting on Friday and its been helpful. I need to stop being so needy- it turns my husband off I think. He gets more interested when I do things on my own and go out and explore. He keeps telling me to go out and have fun so I have more to talk about.

Just got off the phone with him- I feel better. I know this panic stuff is natural, but I really hate it.

Thanks for asking Sue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As you accomplish more, the more confidence you build in yourself.

I don't have much more to say right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It didn't help that my husband, about a month ago, started pushing me to 'get even with him' and have an affair of my own this December. HE felt that it would make me less angry, would make us even, and he wouldn't have to keep worrying that I was going to do it anyway. No kidding, he actually said that. He also commented that once I had the affair I could never say one more word about his own. Ha! It didn't take much at all to figure out he was trying to lessen his own guilt and get himself out of being the 'bad' one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heya, Mojo! Glad to hear you're doing well. Take care of your marriage while you're taking care of you, eh?

The words above made me think that perhaps you're using the affair to LB. Sounds to me like your husband is feeling the effects of AOs and DJs, and that he's hoping you'll stop if you have an affair yourself.

My advice would be that you stop the AOs and DJs without having an affair! It might be better for all concerned if you simply stopped talking about the affair. It's in the past now, and the present is going to take all the time and effort you've got. School several thousand miles from your husband and babies???? My gosh, that's a huge challenge! Time to figure out how to stay fully involved with their present, sounds like to me!

I bet you'll handle it with aplomb and grace, though. Add it to your control journal, maybe: E-mail husband and each baby each day. Call them twice a week (or whatever you can afford). Visit X times per semester... Etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Heya, long time no see.
Actually, I don't LB, DJ, or anything at all. Truthfully. What he doesn't want to deal with is having to answer questions when they came to me or when I started worrying. Its gotten to where I don't ask anymore. I even stopped asking him to read the books. I gave up on that. I do resent that he got out of reading something he promised to read but is it working if you have to bring it up twice a week and he still doesn't read? It doesn't. I put the books away in my closet and he didn't say a word. I don't even think he noticed.

Right now, I'm here for me. I know its important to him that I finish school and I gain more confidence and I lose weight. However, what he doesn't realize is that while I am working so hard on myself, if he doesn't change at all himself, we're in for a rough ride.

My husband allows me to read his yahoo emails. He acts like he is doing me a favor. He hates it. I can't access his work one though, because its military.

I asked him this morning on the phone if he really thinks we are going to be ok. He said yes and to stop worrying. I worry that I am going to become the woman he wants, but I will not be satisfied with the man that he is. I feel like I am the only one doing anything proactive. I feel needy and I hate it.

So Im doing a 180* beginning this week on a couple things. I've been calling him everyday when I panic. I know it seems like I am checking up on him. I'm going to stop calling and wait for him to call me. When he goes back to work next week I am going to call when the kids are home and he isn't so I can talk to them. I am tired of being the one waiting by the phone. Time to do things he isn't expecting.

I am also going to stop emailing him everyday. He doesn't write me back because he says we talk on the phone almost everyday, I don't think he realizes hwo important those emails are to me- proof that he thinks of me during the day- even though I have told him several times.

I need to stop living for him and live for myself.

Sue & J-
Just wanted to point out that although my post seems pretty negative- I am admittedly experiencing my first week away from my H and its definately been harder for me to handle than I expected. When I left we were in a good place pretty much, I know I am just frustrated that I feel like I'm trying to do so much stuff differantly that seeing him do so little frustrates me to no end.

I think we will be fine, I am just venting a bit.

Hi,

Moving from Guam to the midwest, leaving kids behind, is a huge move. It would make anyone feel somewhat unsettled.

Do well in school and try to keep in touch with your family as much as possible.

Hi Sue

Hows every thing going in Sue's world these days.

Sue's world:

Okay. Weekend was good. Saturday, got up, went to farmers market, (there is a stand there that makes the best bagel sandwiches, I think I go mainly for that, and I'm sure the calories are a whole weeks worth). Came home, went to store, bought a door, neighbor helped me get it out of SUV, went grocery shopping, came home make my dish for MB gettoghether at Cerri's.

H and OS had a day planed for the two of them (they didn't want to go). They were supposed to go to a movie, the movie at this theater only played at one time during the day, the rest of the day they played "american wedding" not appropirate for a 9year old. They stayed up until 4am playing computer games

Sunday, as a family we went to the movied "Spy kids" We came home, all was going well, we discussed reinstating game night.

H tells me while I'm in the shower he is running to get paint thinner. I was going to tell him to wait, I will go, and he was gone. It took him 4 hours to buy paint thinner and did not come home with it. He said he was looking around. He says he went to the MOA. He tells me he does not like the MOA, so, why does he go there? Good question. Maybe she works there? or did they go together. H is grumpy today.

I'm outside painting the garage door, I come in, I ran out of paint, (didn't plan properly). Kids were filling water ballons in the house. (I told them no water balloons until Monday). H yells at them, I come in, he angrily asks where I was, I told him, he says I looked. I guess he did not look hard enough. I was there, three neighbors saw me, plus the guys that work at a furncace cleaning place behind our house, and one police officer. (lets not forget obnoxious teens who live in neighborhood). Anyway, then H yells, he is tired of these "horrible [censored]". So, why and I trying to make this work. I need to reevaluate this. I leave the house to finish garage door. Too angry to talk. I come back in, calmer and tell him that what he said was inappropriate, and hurtful to me and the kids. His response was, "I didnt' hit them". I told him, you might as well have, verbal abuse leaves deeper scars, and it is recognized by Social Services as abuse. All it take is one of them repeating what you say to a teacher, daycare, anyone, and they can make the call and report him. He will be investigated, and made to leave the home until he fulfills a anger management plan and parenting plan. I asked him, so who called you a "horrible [censored]" that you feel you can call your children that. He didn't reply and I went to bed. As horrible as this is, at least it is not a daily occurance. But it happens enough that our oldest thinks dad hates him.

I get a call at work, MS, steps on screw with barefeet. I leave to take him to clinic, to get a tetnus shot and have it looked at. I asked him, what did you dad do about it.
MS:"he told me to soak it in the tub".

Me: "did he set it up?"

MS: "No, he was where he always is, the computer"

MS: "what is the Dr. going to do?"

ME: give you a tetnus shot if you need it, look at it, probably give you an antibiotic for infections"

Me: "so, dad did not help you set up the tub to soak your foot? Did you use soap? Hydrogen peroxide?"

MS: "no, just water"

Can someone tell me, why I want to make this work with such a selfish, self centered man? I am running out of acceptable reasons as to why to make it work, and finding more reasons to pack a bag for him and telling him to leave his keys.

Oh, I am not hurt by all of this, I am very, very, very P.O'd by this. When I get this mad, I feel nothing for the man, not love, not hate, not pity, I feel nothing for him

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

I decided to change me at this time to SwH

Hi Sue

It took me a while to find you then I noticed you changed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok all I can say is I totally relate to what happened at your house.One day your H is going to ask just like mine why don't the kids ever come to me,why don't they talk to me,why don't I have a relationship with them like you.
My H thinks its because I spoiled them.I don't call treating them kind and loving,and not calling them names spoiling.

I am so sorry this happened it makes me so angry when men do this to thier children.

I hope your S is ok,hows his foot?
And tell me again why YOU had to leave work to take care of this?He could not take him to the clinic.

My youngest is 15 and my H registered her in school this year for me.I don't know how he did it.It was the first time ever to do any thing like this and our oldest is almost 26.Like I told you before he is a little slow,it only took him 26yrs to be able to help me in this area.

I know you don't want to hear this,but hang in there,better days are ahead.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sue - just wanted to stop in and return the favor....see how you were doing. I am sorry for such the rough weekend. FWIW I think you were completely right that he shouldn't use that language toward the kids. Your point about verbal abuse is right on. Even just the tone of voice sometimes can make a negative scar.

Please tell us how your son's foot is. Ironically, MJR just got a tetanus shot last week when we moved and he got cut from a nail or staple on the couch - had to get some stitches - OUCH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Anyway, hope your son was a trooper! I'm sure he was anyway.

I hope things get better for you and your H. I wish he would show a little respect for you - you are such a good person.

Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and see how you were. My thoughts are with you.

Gee whiz,
Leave for a few days, and now I can't even find Sue's thread.
LOL.................

Can someone tell me, why I want to make this work with such a selfish, self centered man? I am running out of acceptable reasons as to why to make it work, and finding more reasons to pack a bag for him and telling him to leave his keys.

I could go hunt up some threads where you see good things too, but I know if you think you'll remember them. I CAN tell you that I believe my W thinks these same things some days about me, and if YOU think about it a little bit, you will understand that I am saying much more here than what you can read.

Oh, I am not hurt by all of this, I am very, very, very P.O'd by this. When I get this mad, I feel nothing for the man, not love, not hate, not pity, I feel nothing for him

Lets see (I forget it word for word, but I'll do it as best I can.) " the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference."

So, I worry. I hope time passes quickly, ( but not too quickly) and that you pass your boards in the top 5 percent, and that your H responds CORRECTLY and dumps OW and that you live happily ever after - continueing all the while to give good advice on MB.

Since I don't KNOW how things will go, I'll continue to pray for you. You can vent all you want, but DON'T GIVE UP YET. Neither cerri, or I will give our permission right now.
( cerri, hang with me on this one for a while.)

How do you feel about the studies?

How are the kids, including the foot?

I don't dare bring up the home improvement projects, but you can if you want.

I did enjoy the little piece of Sue's world. Can we make it a weekly? Daily?

Sue, it's good to be back. Thanks for listening. Please don't kick me our of your fan club, I'm just trying to help.

SS

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS - I won't give up, not yet. And you are always welcome in my fan club. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (So is everyone else). I would not have made it this far without you guys.

Home Improvements projects still going on. We are hoping to get a fence up before winter. I'm going to see if BIL will do roof on garage. Otherwise, I know of someone I can ask, they will want to be paid, I don't know if we can afford it right now.

Ginger, LIT, everyone,

H could have taken him, I'm glad I did. I wanted to. This morning the top of his foot across from where he stepped on the screw was red/pink, MS says it does not hurt, so that is encouraging. I called and talked to MS, he says he can walk on it, and it does not hurt. So, this all sounds encouraging. He has to go back to the Dr. tomorrow, he wants to reassess it.

Thank for asking

Well, I will be busier than I expected.

BIL died of a heart attack. He was only 31 years old. My sister is a wreck.

I hope none of his OW's or xOW's show up. Yes, my BIL cheated on my sister. He told her just before they got married that she should not expect him to remain faithful. She didn't think he meant it, and she stayed, because she loved him and because she felt she accepted the terms at marriage. (I once told her, just because you agreed at the time, does not mean it is acceptable to you today).

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>