Hi Sue
Just thought I would stop by and say hello,so that you know I still am following your thread.
Good luck on the interview.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see is that he has caused so much emotional pain that you might not want him by then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this has possibilities. I would not be surprised if it did not happen.

Not much going on. I guess the guys are not coming this weekend. Why, I don't know.

H is going to a football game on sunday. It was really nice of him to see if I mind him being gone for 4 hours. Maybe I wanted to do something. We have no time together. You know, I don't really care. I enjoy him not being there. I see my marriage slip slipping away, and I don't have any desire to stop it. Not now.

Right now, the way I feel, she can have him, she can have his overspending, disrepectful, lying ways, and I hope she is happy with it.

There is a girl I pick up from the daycare and drive to school. I don't talk to her dad often, (single dad), so I only see the side of him that he presents as a mom from the daycare. What I see in him, is a gentle, caring, respectful man. This is what I thought my husband was like. (No, I'm not going after him). When he treats me nice, I think to myself, why am I married to WS, when there are men out there who are this nice on a regular basis. I've watched men treat their wives like they are queens. I want that. Why can't I have it too.

You can have it Sue,and you should.
I think that is how we deserve to be treated like queens,after all we are the ones that keep the castle from falling apart right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Stay strong Sue I know it is hard,but just hang in there a little longer.You will get the right job at the right time and then I believe all the new doors that need to open in your life will.

<small>[ October 18, 2003, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

Hey Sue,

Thanks for checking in on me. I have been following your thread as well, and am excited that you have so many opportunities. I just hope the perfect one opens up.....you deserve that so much.

And about deserving to be treated well.....Well, that's just a given. You deserve to be treated like you are loved. Like you are the most important person in the world. Like you and your family come first - as it should be.

Your opportunity and time will come, I feel sure. Sooner or later we all know what to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Best wishes, and will keep up!

LIT

Hi,

I have an inteview tomorrow, and another one on Friday.

Today is not good. I think he met with her today. He was real secretive about it. He put on the ring that he bought, she was with him when he bought it. It is supposed to be his wedding band. What is it, some sort of "marriage of the heart". Cannot be married legally, because he is married, so they are married emotionally, and exchanged rings? I know, I should not speculate. It was hard on me. He put it on, we went to the bank, then he tells me he has an appt at a credit union with a loan officer. She works at a credit union.

OMG Sue I am so sorry to read this.

I wish there was something that I could do to take this from you.It is not fair,you are so wonderful.
I will be praying for you tomorrow for your interview.

Good luck my friend.

I'm praying you find a job real soon so you can begin moving forward.

Who am I kidding. My marriage has been falling apart since day one. We had no business getting married. I questioned at the time if it was the right thing to do. I convinced myself it was, I convinced myself that he did love me.

Today, we were having lunch, he has a new planner. On the special events page, he was writing the kids birthdays down on the correct months with dates. I saw him hovering over the month of March. Then he closed it, and said he would finish it later. After 12 years, you would think he would know my birthday. He has yahoo to remind him. I know he does not know when our anniversary is. Well, at least he confirmed where I stand. He remembers his first wifes birthday. Or at least he used to.

I am so tired of being hurt. I am so tired of his lack of respect. He thinks he was supportive of my going back to school. We fought a lot of bout my being in school, until he realized I was serious, and also found out how much nurses get paid. Oh, boy, then he was all in favor of my going to school.

He wants to do a career change. I’m okay with that, except with this career, it will be much easier for him to sneak around and call it work. He can take her out to dinner and call it work. I will never know. It will be easy for him to hide some of his pay, and only deposit what he wants me to know about, and hide the rest. This is the perfect job for someone who wants to cheat.

Of course, there is something wrong with me because I want financial security, so that makes me money grubbing. Gosh, I only want enough to pay the mortgage, utilities, put food on the table, car insurance, car payment, gas, his credit card, daycare, preschool, dance and hockey. I guess I am a very selfish woman.

I know, I am no fun. He tells me all the time. So, why did he marry me, if I am so bad to be around. He never tells me he loves me, he never tells me he finds me attractive.

I am so sick of living like this. I want changes. I want someone who tells me he loves me, I want someone who appreciates me and shows it. I want someone who finds me attractive and tells me I am. Not someone who insults me, and tells me I am inadequate. He never comes right out and says it, he says it in little manipulative ways. But you know what. I know I am not inadequate. I know he is the insecure one. I am in the process of reglazing the windows for winter. I am running out of time, so I need to get it done this weekend. All he does is sit on the computer

Some days I don't know what to do. If I was able to do something today about my M, I don't know if trying to save it would have been the choice I would have made.

Right now, I am convinced he never loved me, and really does not want to be with me and he only tolerates me because of the kids. So, I ask, why do I stay with a man who does not love me and does not want to be with me. Sometimes I think I should just divorce him so he can have his freedom. I'm sure it is what he wants, he does not have the courage to come out and tell me.

For two days, I have been crying on and off. This has been very hard on me. I was doing so well at keeping it together and now, everything is falling apart.


On a happier note, another facility called and wants to set up an interview. I have not heard back on the other interviews. Budget issues might be the problem with the first one I interviewed for. At least I know I have not been turned down. I was told by the HR rep that no decision has been made yet. I would think of one of these, something will have to come through

<small>[ October 23, 2003, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

Sue
I feel your pain,I know why you do what you do.I just wish you did not have to put up with what you put up with.
I pray a good job will come your way soon,to help you be able to make a decision soon.I wish happiness for you.You deserve to be happy,we all do.

I just wanted you to know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
You are an amazing woman of power and strength and I am so glad that you have become a part of my life.

Take care my friend,and it is ok to cry sometimes its all we have left,our tears.

Good news.- I have a job as a nurse. It is part time weekends. I start in November. They cannot make it official until my references check out.

It is in a long term care facility. It is a start. At least I will be a start to a new beginning

Congrats on the job!

I'm sorry to hear about your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi Sue,
I realized we use this forum for lots of things, but since it is called Marriage Builders, perhaps it is time to address that again on your thread.

At this point, knowing your H's history and all the things he has done, I wouldn't blame you if you want to walk away right now. That is always your choice - but realize this - you can do anything you want to do. If economic factors still need to be taken into account, they won't for much longer.

The big question here is "what does Sue want?" We'll help once you know, but you get to choose, and that is both freedom and slavery. Can we talk a little bit about some of this?


Who am I kidding. My marriage has been falling apart since day one. We had no business getting married. I questioned at the time if it was the right thing to do. I convinced myself it was, I convinced myself that he did love me.

I have seen enough to know that many times you KNEW that he loved you. That part I am sure of.

I am not excusing what he is doing, not at all, but that love must have existed at sometimes, or you would not be married to him. I don't believe for a minute that you would be there if you had not seen and felt that love many times. Perhaps you should have worked out your boundaries better before you married him, but you did as well as you could with what you knew at the time, and not one of us can do better than we know how to do.


Today, we were having lunch, he has a new planner. On the special events page, he was writing the kids birthdays down on the correct months with dates. I saw him hovering over the month of March. Then he closed it, and said he would finish it later. After 12 years, you would think he would know my birthday. He has yahoo to remind him. I know he does not know when our anniversary is. Well, at least he confirmed where I stand. He remembers his first wife's birthday. Or at least he used to.

This would be consistent with someone that is having an A. Perhaps it's true that you know where you stand - he is not treating you as he should, he is way, way out of bounds. The question is can something be done about it, or do you even want to do anything about it. I don't think any of us would complain at all if you walk away, but is that what you want?


I am so tired of being hurt. I am so tired of his lack of respect. He thinks he was supportive of my going back to school. We fought a lot of bout my being in school, until he realized I was serious, and also found out how much nurses get paid. Oh, boy, then he was all in favor of my going to school.

It's all about care and protection - and you don't have either one. Husbands can be taught, I am proof of that, but what does Sue want? I think all of us agree that you can't go on forever like you are. I don't know what to say about this to you. At some point you have to realize that things will never be just right to confront, and you will have to do it anyway. Is it time to talk to cerri about that part of it? I can't say, but I worry. You are sharp enough to know - if you think about it from that angle.

He wants to do a career change. I'm okay with that, except with this career, it will be much easier for him to sneak around and call it work. He can take her out to dinner and call it work. I will never know. It will be easy for him to hide some of his pay, and only deposit what he wants me to know about, and hide the rest. This is the perfect job for someone who wants to cheat.

I believe before a career change all the rest needs to be worked out - How could you take that on top of all the rest.

Of course, there is something wrong with me because I want financial security, so that makes me money grubbing. Gosh, I only want enough to pay the mortgage, utilities, put food on the table, car insurance, car payment, gas, his credit card, daycare, preschool, dance and hockey. I guess I am a very selfish woman.

People in affairs learn to shift the blame. He sounds like a very good blame shifter. If you are worried about him making trouble for you then for sure get a little nest egg first. I tend to worry more about you emotionally than economically. It's not that I think that you will ever loose it completely. I worry that someone that was a happy optimistic person won't be able to come back to that. I want your children to see that side of you more - because even if you put on a happy face, they know when you are sad and hurting.


I know, I am no fun. He tells me all the time. So, why did he marry me, if I am so bad to be around. He never tells me he loves me, he never tells me he finds me attractive.
I suppose that is part of what I was talking about. It's hard to be happy when your H is running around on you. He thinks you don't know. It is also that revision of history that makes it possible for him to justify what he is doing. Don't think it is the truth. WE know you are fun. I think that is one that will take care of it self when your H is doing what he is supposed to be doing. While we all need to look inside sometimes I think this one is mostly needs correction from the outside. In other words, I think he needs the most work here, not you.


I am so sick of living like this. I want changes. I want someone who tells me he loves me, I want someone who appreciates me and shows it. I want someone who finds me attractive and tells me I am. Not someone who insults me, and tells me I am inadequate. He never comes right out and says it, he says it in little manipulative ways. But you know what. I know I am not inadequate. I know he is the insecure one. I am in the process of reglazing the windows for winter. I am running out of time, so I need to get it done this weekend. All he does is sit on the computer

That post that Star wrote to Ginger about learning to negotiate with her H. You can do that now. Don't be afraid to say "I don't have time to do everything that needs to be done. I'll do this for you, if you will do that for me." You are a very hard working person that may be just a tad to nice. Is it time to change that?


Some days I don't know what to do. If I was able to do something today about my M, I don't know if trying to save it would have been the choice I would have made.

As always that is your choice. If you still go back and forth, you need to think some more. If every time you think about it, your answer is that it's over, then perhaps it is. Sue, I know you pray, I believe you can find the right answer to this one through prayer. There are many of us backing you up with this one.


Right now, I am convinced he never loved me, and really does not want to be with me and he only tolerates me because of the kids. So, I ask, why do I stay with a man who does not love me and does not want to be with me. Sometimes I think I should just divorce him so he can have his freedom. I'm sure it is what he wants, he does not have the courage to come out and tell me.

This is not about you - or him liking you. It is about the dynamics of an A, and the behaviors it produces. He is following the script when he talks to you. That's the way it works, and you know it. If you were ten days into this, I would tell you to plan A really well getting ready for plan B. I think if you talk to cerri, she will ask you some questions that will help you to understand what you want. Once you know what you want, it will be much easier to plan for it. The big question is still: "is it time."


For two days, I have been crying on and off. This has been very hard on me. I was doing so well at keeping it together and now, everything is falling apart.

I realize that by now that you are back being super woman and the crisis is passed. You still are keeping it together, but don't ignore the warning signs. You need resolution of this to be emotionally healthy. Today may be too soon, but forever is too long. Please pick a time table you can live with emotionally, not just financially.


On a happier note, another facility called and wants to set up an interview.......................Good news.- I have a job as a nurse. It is part time weekends. I start in November. They cannot make it official until my references check out. It is in a long term care facility. It is a start. At least I will be a start to a new beginning

Make it a new beginning all around. Start negotiating to have your needs met. Think of the timing, and consider making larger changes. Your families emotional health depends on you, and you need a solution to be healthy yourself. You are of infinite worth, don't let him tell you differently. Think some more, but perhaps you shouldn't let it go this time without some kind of action.

SS

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Congrats Sue.
I am a little worried about you tho.This means you will be working 7 days a week,you need to take care of you too.Please becareful as you take on this new responsibility.
When in Nov. will you start?

Thanks everyone for getting me back to being grounded. I needed it.

What do I want, I really don't know yet. I know part of the problem is, I was so focused on reaching my goal, that I was not ignoring, but putting off what needs to be done, so it is time for me to start looking at all of this.

Sometimes, Plan B sound attractive. How ready am I for it, I don't know. I have to start thinking about it.

Negotiating, I've tried. He blows me off. However, he has been rather nice on and off the last two weeks. The Vegas trip with the radio station is coming up. The one he went on last year with OW. I tried getting him to book us on that trip this year, sort of as insurance to keep them from going. It was sold out. I checked the website, it is sold out, they do have listed alternatives to joining them in Vegas. I question if a trip is booked and he is planning on going and has not told me, so he is trying to butter me up. Time will tell on this one.

It is time for me to start thinking about me, and what i want out of this marriage, or do I want to stay in this marriage.

As far as me working two jobs, been there done it, many times over the past 26 years. Ever since I have been 16, and got my first job, I have worked a second job at some point or another. Before I got pregnant with OS, I was working two jobs during that pregancy and part of the second pregnancy, when little princess was born, I was working two jobs, and again when I went back to school. Two jobs did not last long while I was in school. Got too hard to find time to work the second job. So, this will not be anything unusual for me. At least I know, once I get some experience behind me so I can look for a job that has minmum 1 year exp. I can apply. One facility had approximately 70 positions that wanted minimum 1 year exp. So, it would not be forever. I don't believe I will have to work a year. I think once I start having some experience, other places will consider me.

And yes, I have pulled myself back together and I am no longer negative, now I am determined to get my life back on track. I will start with me and what do I want.

I think I need to ground myself and reread some of the MB stuff. I'm letting the negative take over. I need to refocus on what is important.

Sue,

I thought the plan all along, was to finish your schooling, take your boards, look for a job....all the while doing your Plan A...so that when you had some financial security you could FINALLY take the steps to end the affair. You can't expect MB techniques to work during an active affair. Ending the affair is the first step towards recovery. I haven't wanted to push....but it is my sincere opinion that it is high time for Plan B. Please do what must be done to save your marriage....before all the love you have for your spouses disappears forever. Please consider making plans for this next step or recovery is never going to be possible. He doesn't negotiate because he holds all the cards...why should he. Time to take your life back chere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Star is so right, Sue!

You cannot save your marriage without confronting his affair. He has no clue you know and you have done nothing that will make him stop or choose.

You have a job now (CONGRATS)- this may be the time you need to step up and apply the principles all the way. Its time for the face off. I am worried you will make another excuse to keep putting it off and you end up even more miserable.

Please consider this!

mojo brings up an important part of this. You've never really finished to your Plan A....which of course you must do before going to B. The confrontation.....letting him know how you feel....and the exposure need to be done now. Who knows....he may respond to that before you ever have to do a Plan B....but you won't know until you try it. Hugs chere. I'm so glad you're doing so well.

Moj and Star,

You are so right. I forgot, I need to confront.

Well, I had another interview today. I might have this one. If I get it, it is full time, the other one was part time, weekends only. So, that meant working that job, plus my current job. If I get this one, I can quit my current job and work one.

This place does it different than most facilities. After the interview, the information is presented to a Board, they decide if I am hired or not. The interviewer, has some input, and he said he would recommend they hire me. I hope this one comes through.

I don't have any other comments to make right now.

I don't have any other comments to make either except that I think you are great, and I hope you get this job. And just a few more things.....

You it seems like your posts have been really quiet lately. I am not sure what that means - but I hope you are not afraid. I hope you are not hurting.

My belief is that the girl that got through school working her butt off will be fine no matter what. The same girl that did all that stuff is a real winner, and I expect her to continue to act like one. I hope you get a big grin when you read this.


Just think of this as taking your life back - that is a positive thing.

SS