Sue,
I did not cry,I am fighting the lump in my throat tho.
Not only because of what you went through,but because I could relate so much.

Hi Sue;
you are realistic and don't get carried away by emotions; it's a virtue, too bad you are paying for it with your pain and anxiety, and yes, this is NOT fair.
About the book, so far I only glanced thru it, please understand that I am very skeptical about all this self-help book genre, so I might be too harsh in judgement. I especially despise the disscussion-by example- part, but I understand this is the most common style, so I just bear with it (like the SAA) book, I look mostly for practical tips and NOT in the form of a cookbook , i.e. I'd rather figure out my way using tips than follow a recepie to a T.
So, I'll let you know my opinion from this standpoint later.
It's very much gender skewed, but yes, so far eye opener just like the "fog talk" script was to me. I tend to breathe easier when I see that my situation is not that unique, that I am NOT imagining things, and those few examples I read did show me that. I'll let you know if I find any techniques if and how to respond, so far just reading about how to identify verbal abuse and to validate own feelings.

And if I decide to use any of techniques I'll let you know too. But please be patient, I am trying to catch up with housework, and also prepare for the upcoming IL visit; and also I will be away for two weeks, so not much reading time for now.

I was also raised with a mantra about teasing "just bear it, they'll tire of it; at least you are smarter/kinder/more mature than "them", avoid confrontation etc. Unlike you, and possibly due to lack of siblings I never really learned how to confront or actively cope with it. Last year certainly was a progress for me there.
Take care,
FBOW

It really stinks when you run into the xboyfriend from 20 years ago and he looks better than before. He is the one I regretted dumping a year after I ended the relationship.

He is still as nice as ever. I've gained a few pounds since we dated and he says I look the same as before. He probably gained about 20 pounds, and it looked good on him.

Oh well, I made my decision back then, so it is the one I have live with. But I have had regrets ever since. Once I thought about trying to get back together with him, but I didn't have the courage to ask him

Near the end of the relationship, I was not as nice as I could have been. I wasn't mean, but I could have been more respectful towards him

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

HI Sue
When did you run into him???

I was at the local drivers bureau getting tabs for the SUV. He was there doing something with a boat title.

We chatted a little, he is not married, but he is living with someone. He still does the same type of work he did when we dated. You know, small talk stuff.

It brought back the "what if" type memories. Every so often, I still think of him and wonder how he is doing.

As I said, near the end, I was not very respectful towards him and he, was always the gentleman. We went out for 2 years before I ended it. It seemed like it was a dead end relationship. He never once told me he loved me during the two years we were together. Even when I ended it, and told him why, he never said or did anything to try to convince me to reconsider. He just accepted my decision, so that only confirmed to me, that the relationship went as far as it was going to go. I did find out, after running into him once about 12 years ago or so, that when I ended it with him, it really hurt him. I never knew it at the time. Had I known how he really felt, I probably would have never ended it, about 1 and a half years into the relationship is when I started questioning where it was going, and when I tried to talk to him about it, well, we made no progress, so over time, I guess, I started pulling away and accepting that there was no future. (The whole needs thing being filled, had he gave me what I needed to stay in it, I would have). Oh well, no use crying over the past.

My current marital state does not help with the "what if" questions.

After I broke it off with him, it seems like my choices in men, well, they have not bee the best.

Lets see - an abusive alcoholic
H - (before we married)
a short R with a womanizer (I found out 3 weeks into this one, he had a livin GF, so I ended it)
back with H, got married, and the rest is on MB for all to read.

<small>[ November 14, 2003, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

I'm hesitant to say this, every time I do, I find out I am wrong, but H is home more. I wonder if the A is cooling down or over?

H wants to go on a big family vacation next year

Hi Sue
I vote for over!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Is husband working? Because if he isn't he has no business leaving the house without you. Period.


Sue, I am getting incredibly frustrated watching you have to deal with this sh*tty situation. I can't even imagine what this is doing to your health.

H just got the okay to go back to work. Now they have to call with a job.

The jobline is not encouraging. All short calls. Which means two weeks or less. But it is work. They are limited to the number of short calls they can take, if they go over their limit, they go to the back of the line.

How odd, H just called to see how I am doing. He never does that.


My health is fine. I don't let this get to me. After awhile, you find ways to cope.

I come by,
and there are lots of things I could comment on, but things seem to be pretty much the same.

Sometimes I start the "what if" game, but it never gets me anywhere - anywhere I want to be at least.

I keep hoping and praying you'll get that full time job with good hours. It would be nice to see you get a break for a while.

I know if you don't get a break, you will make it work anyway. Glad H is paying more attention. I still think you wouldn't have chosen a total looser, there must be a lot of good in him still. Talk to that good side, ignore the bad side.

Did you explore the reference that FBOW sent you? That would be a climate change!! I think there is lots of work for trades in LV also.

It would be a long way back to the bonfires though.

Smile, it's good for you.

SS

I looked at the link. We are thinking it over.

Cerri, once suggested to me, that we should move out of state. I don't know. Having family close by is important to me. So is my immediate family, and saving it. I got the feeling from Cerri, that might be the only way to stop this whole thing. H keeps suggesting we move north, about 45 min, she lives north about 45 min. The area H is showing me, is near where she lives.

If we move, it will either be out of state, or into the school district my kids attend school.

I have been mostly doing alot of thinking here lately. Wondering, what should I do, keep trying, confront, walk, what?

And, no, H is not a total looser. He has his looser moments.

It is so confusing. I am not sure what I want any longer either.

Family, such a complex dynamic.

Most of my friends want to see me file for divorce. They think I'm wasting my time, so I don't talk to them about this.

This is the only place I really have to come to.

I wish I could afford to counsel with Penny

Swh,

You can ask penny questions right on this board for free. I'm also mentoring currently for her site and will be happy to help you in any way that I can. There is of course two excellent strategies for ending affairs (Plan A and B) and those are the ones both Penny and I would advise you to use. The two parts of plan A and B that get ignored the most (and cripple any hope of it working) are "confrontation" and "exposure". You have done neither of them. I know your efforts have been hampered by all of the school and financial issues....but it is a goal that I think if you are not serious about pursuing will only prolong the situation you find yourself in now. I am sad to see you still in this quandary....but I have zero doubt about what Penny would tell you to do. Sometimes, we get comfortable with our pain....it's a known quantity. But you are becoming far more comfortable than I would like to see. It's time to shake up the status quo and do something different. Or as Dr. Phil would say "How's that working for ya?"

Hi Star,

I know I should confront and expose. It is something I think about more and more. Scares me right out of my boots.

I know others have made it through financial hardships. If he left, I know I would have to find an apartment for me and the kids, send the animals to the humane society,(there are very few apartments that take pets, and those that do, usually charge extra). Three bedroom apartments cost a little less than my mortgage. I would save on utilities though. (I suppose I could lookd for a two bedroom and keep princess in my room). (Just planning for the worst). Sell the car and get a cheaper one, I would not be able to afford the insurance and car payment. I know, there is the issue of child support, I don't know if he will qualify for unemployment right now, he is working a two week job, after that, if there is not a permanent one, then he will have to hope for another short call. So, I could get an award, but it is useless to me unless I receive anything to help support us. Assistance from the county, at this time is a joke. I know many who with government budget cuts, have either been cut off and are struggling to make it or have had their assistance cut off. They go to the food shelf quite often to feed their family. My neice was told she would get daycare assistance when the baby was born. Now, she gets zip because the funds are gone. Everything she makes pay for the daycare and provides for the baby. So, assistance is out of the question.

At this point, I just try to survive. It will get better, that I know.

HI Sue
Just want you to know that I am here for you.

Swh,

I'm not suggesting you do anything to put you and your children out on the streets or send your animals to the shelter!!! My goodness no! You will have a good paying job in the near future...and when you do....and you can afford to weather the financial issues....there is time for exposure and confrontation. I know you are afraid, and I know you don't want to jump out there without a safety net....I DON'T BlAME YOU! Take this one step at a time....for everything there is a season. But do PLAN Sue...do set some goals and a timeline for accomplishing the things that need to be done. I will help any way I can.

(((((((((((((((((sue))))))))))))))))))))

If you know the lotto numbers for the next powerball drawing or Gopher 5, I will take them. (j/k)

Money is the biggest hurdle to overcome. I keep wondering when will it get better.

I had high hopes that I would be finished with school and have found a job shortly after. I did not expect the job market even in nursing to dip. In other areas, I hear it is still good. Not here.

Today is just a bad day. I'm trying to do the fixes on the house before the Dec 1 deadline set by the city, and we cannot afford it. It really is not that much that needs to be done before Dec. 1, but we don't have the money for the repairs. H has not received a disability check for the last 5 weeks. Savings is gone. He contacted a higher up at the union and complained. This guy is going to check into it. If we can get that money, we will be fine for November. If H can qualify for unemployment, we will be okay with me working two jobs. Because he was out on disability, I don't know if he will qualify for unemployment. If not, then we will be in trouble. He may have to take any job, just to bring in a paycheck.

The assistant City Inspector, after I explained our situation, said he will speak with the guy who sent out the letter and explain to him that even coming up with 20.00 to spare is difficult for us to do.

I never thougth we would have to go through rough times like this again.

What is the worst we are looking at, selling the house, and living off the equity (what little there is). We can always start over.

I might have to pull my daughter out of preschool, the tuition is due. First, I will see if there is a scholarship I can apply for. I'd hate to take her out if I dont' have to. Dance, that I will probably have to pull her out of. I prepaid half the tuition, so she is good until January. Hopefully, things will look better by then.

You are not the only one struggeling with finances. There are many all over the country having the same troubles. I wish most of them had your skills at making things work.

This time, I wish for your troubles to leave for a while while you get your feet under you.

I don't suppose anything I say will make any difference, but I just wanted to give some support even if I am not really good at it.

I have a hard time coming up with the right words lately. How do you communicate that you would help more if you could when words seem so futile?

I believe in you. We believe in you. Things aren't over yet for Sue w/ Hope. I'll continue to hope for you right along.

SS

I know I am not the only one struggling with finances. I'm just tired of the never ending battle. If it isn't one thing it is another. I'm tired of the city, acting like we are ignoring their requests, when at this point in time, we are limited on what we can do and we are doing what we can with the resources we have. They started in on us after I applied for a permit so we could redo our roof. After that, it seems like it never ends.

SS- don't ever underestimate the support you and the others provide. I know my stuck situation must be frustrating to some. It looks like I am not doing anything to change things. And, on one hand, I am not and for some very good reasons. On the other, I am doing what I can for the moment, while I keep trying to move foward, even if it is in extremely slow motion.

Hi Sue,
I just want to drop a quick comment re VerbAb Book.
It is an eye opener and a diagnostic tool, but sadly I don't see many ideas how to deal with it other than a) leave the R b) Saying "stop it" while it's happening.
So it's up to abuser to relise what's going on, but as most of it occurs intentionally I kind of doubt they just stop as this is a power trip for them.
I will go thru this book more thouroghly when I have more time, not likely before the holidays.

I personally need a book about "How to grow your own B***s and use Them efficiently".

I guess that's what my esteem regaining journey is all about.

Hang on. I am the last to criticise the slow motion, as long as it is bearable and in a right direction.
Don't be surprised by more lies and deceit even after confrontation.

FBOW

I don't mean to sound like "your not the only one with problems." I meant that to be more helpful, but it didn't come out like I wanted.

Sue, I know why you wait, I just wish we could do more somehow.


FBOW, I was hoping this book would be of more help. I suppose you already knew you could leave. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I was also wishing it would give you more tools.

Both of you (oh shoot, all of you) have a good weekend.

SS