H is sending me pics via e-mail of rings. I'm sure I won't get one for a gift, not this year. Too late. Maybe he is planning on it.

A while ago, I told him I wanted to renew our vows infront of friends and family because we were married in Vegas. He sort of agreed. I brought it up again a couple of weeks ago, and he was more agreeable.

We will see what the future brings

One of the gifts I asked for this Christmas was for your H change enough to give you some hope.

I sincerely believe Sue deserves that.

Merry Christmas to you - to your whole family. May you find peace and joy more and more often and may you have some very happy days.

SS

Ginger, Merry Christmas to you also. Smile more, its good for you, and the grand kids love it.

SS

How'd the cookies thing go, Sue? Enquiring minds want to know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey SS how did you know I have not been smiling much lately??

I hope you had a very merry christmas.

Well Sue did you get a ring?? Hope you had a peaceful and restful holiday I know you need it.Hope to chat w/you soon.

Checking in on you, Sue...please tell us how your holiday went.

Well,
Lets address the cookie thing- I did not bake or buy any this year. My sister bakes every year and gives everyone a plate. I asked if she had extra if I could have an extra one to put out. (her contribution to the get together, she agreed)

H found a cookie press on Christmas Eve, late afternoon, too late for me to be baking cookies. (Santa got Archway molasses cookies)

H was out with a friend helping him shop for his wife. I got many phone calls wanting to know her size. Since I was on the other line with her, it was not too hard to work sizes into the convesation until they called wanting her undewear size. I draw the line at finding out that info. Beside, how do you work that into a conversation. Ladies, we all know we can find out a friends shoe size, pants size, blouse size, but we cannot find out the underwear size. They were at Victorias secret, so I told H, if the sales girl knows her job at all, she will know her panty size by know her pants size.

SS, as always you are so touching, you make me cry. That is a good thing. I have not gotten hard and cynical.

Christmas - was okay. Stressful as always. A couple of people did not show, which helped to bring the stress level down a notch. (they are very irritating people that my sister and brother married. They do not get along, so when they are in the same building together, you can cut the tension with a knife. My SIL is okay, she tries to avoid him and has negative stuff to say. My BIL, is a ranting lunatic, who looks like he is ready to have a heart attack on the spot. One could probably guess his blood pressure by the color of his face.

Rich disappeared Christmas night to find his dad(or so he said.) I was not happy about that. I understand he wants to see his dad, but his dad was invited, he chose to not come (it meant giving up booze for a day). When his dad is around, all booze is put away. I will not allow that man to drink in my house. He has a bad temper when he is drunk and I won't give him the opportunity to behave that way in my home. What he does in his home is his business. It is also not allowed around my children. If he is drinking, I refuse to go to his house or let the kids go. He really scares me.

I checked H's phone, he is still calling her.

I'm thinking of putting off confronting a little longer than planned. Some friends of ours want us to go a a vacation with them at the end of February. If we can afford it, I really want to go. They want to go to Mexico. I can count all my trips on one hand.

Vegas twice (once with H, to get married)
Missouri twice (both times with H, once before we were married and had kids the other time as a family vacation)

Thats all of them.

So, if we can afford this trip, is sure would be nice to go. I have to think this one over.

Would the trip be just you and H?? Or the whole family??

Did H ever find his dad??

Sue,
Not meaning to be a b*tch, but what other excuse are you going to come up with to not confront him?

You'd rather allow your husband to continue in his adultery so you can go to Mexico???

Wouldn't that money be better served towards yourself and children?

Sue, I think you have done this for way too long. Do not let 2004 be a continuation of the marriage you are in right now. It is WAY PAST time to confront and give this man the choice- YOU or HER. Mexico will always be there.

Just saying what I think some of us are thinking and too afraid to say.

Hey M,

There could be at least two reasons I can think of for her to want to go. Mexico may always be there, but if she confronts and he bails, she may not be going on a trip like that for years. She may want it for her, because she fears she won't be able to get away for a long time.

She also may want it for the two of them. Often going away strengthens the bond between H and W. It may help her succeed when she confronts.

I know you are worried about her trying to go on forever and getting burnt out, and it is good that you care. Sometimes I fear for her too.

If she is just putting it off, I think your comments will probably get her to look at things. If she has a good (and acceptable to MB methods) reason, we should support her in it.

It does look like more of the same things go on, and we still don't know if he will come around. I still wish he would stand up, come clean, and make things right with Sue. The bottom line is that Sue HAS TO LIVE with whatever happens - We just get to give advice and watch the fireworks.

I can hardly wait to see what Sue has to say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

SS

I understand that, Still. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I guess I wanted to pipe up so that she *does* really look at it.


I'm hoping she doesn't rip my head off.

I'll try to support whatever she does by simply wishing the best for her even if she does choose to not confront, but something about this has my gut clenched. What would Dr. Harley say? I just don't know.

Sue,

There will always be reasons to reconsider confrontation.....and in my estimation there isn't a trip anywhere that will justify continuing in this way. Also please consider this....if you can scrape up the money to go, won't using the little money available to go on a trip, just again lengthen the time you can confront because then you will be financially strapped again? Goodness knows you DESERVE a vacation....but I'd like to see you get a vacation from living with your husband's affair rather than going to Mexico. Please DO think about this chere. When you start thinking "what's another two months?"....start also remembering just how long this has gone on and how much emotional damage it is doing to you. Stop dragging your heels and get this hussie OUT of your life.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

No one's head will be bitten off.

I cannot do this much longer. It is getting very difficult for me to continue this way.

Besides, I realized the trip to mexico, it is all talk. I will just put it with all the cruises we went on. (I've never been on a cruise). If he really wanted to take me on a trip of a lifetime, he would save for it. He really does not want to. Time to accept reality for what it is.

No one's head will be bitten off.

Whew, I was afraid you found out who had been stealing from the cookie plate. I guess I can relax now.

I cannot do this much longer. It is getting very difficult for me to continue this way.

By now you have run hundreds of plans through your mind. Can you tell us what you are thinking?

Besides, I realized the trip to mexico, it is all talk. I will just put it with all the cruises we went on. (I've never been on a cruise). If he really wanted to take me on a trip of a lifetime, he would save for it. He really does not want to. Time to accept reality for what it is.

I don't think I want to touch that one, no reason to stir things up. If it makes you feel any better, my W hasn't had the "trip of a lifetime" yet either.

Sue, I feel that part of the reason you have been quiet is that you ARE afraid of this.

I still believe there is no reason to fear, that things will work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God and go forward with faith and confidence in your future. God will not forsake you, I am sure he will hear your prayers. If H will not respond correctly, you will get other blessings to make up for that lack.

Kiss your kids, be glad for the good in your life. Thanks for your good exapmle, you have taught me much.


Continued support -

SS

SWC,

I've been on a "trip of a lifetime", but it was before d-day during the time I knew something was wrong - just not sure what. So the quality of the trip is dependent on the health of the relatinship. Otherwise it's alot of money spent without getting everything out of the experience that is possible.

I remember looking at other couples on the cruise wondering how they had such a wonderful relationship. Not wanting to be a downer for you; but didn't want you to think you were missing something magical. CSue

Hi,

Been quite because there is too much to do as usual.

I've filled out application forms for income based housing. Waiting list is long. I will not wait until my name comes up to confront. That will be one to two years away. Way too long.

I'm calling around different apartments. Waiting for a friend to call back. I thought I'd stop at her house today before work and talk to her again about me and the kids moving in there. I figure if we could make this living arrangement work, then when/if WH wakes up and realizes what had happened, I would not be in a lease. But, if I have to be in a lease, then I have to be in a lease.

I have some calls to make. My support network that I thought was there, is falling apart, so I have to work on another one.

Yes, I am very afraid to confront. Afraid I will hear that me, the kids don't mean enough to him to end it with her. Afraid that we do, and I won't be able to try anymore.

I know I have to do something soon.

Dear Sue,

every time I come back to check on you, there is another valid reason in your posts why you can't kick your H out the house just this week.

In the 19 months I have known you this has been your pattern. You put up with contact between H and OW, it bothers you a lot, but not enough to quit this M.

Sue, you have shown a lot of personal growth over time. Finished school, got a new job. What do you think is the real reason you avoid confronting H about his A?

Do you have enough proof of the A. In the GQII forum there was mention of a book recently that gives excellent advice on that topic. Let me find it for you: book

In case the URL didn't work, I bumped the post in GQ II for you.

That book made a lot of sense and maybe it could give you some good advice.

All the best to you, dear Sue, and a good 2004!!!

Rejection can be very tough pill to swallow. I can certainly understand where you are coming from on that. At the same time, you are compromising your happiness over this.

When I told my H what I had done, I thought for sure that would be it, he wouldn't want to stay in the M. You just never really know what people are going to do, unless you give them a chance. His choice will be his choice unfortunately. You can decide you will hold your head up high and move on with pride if he doesn't stay, or you can wallow in self pity the rest of your days. I know which one sounds better, but I also know it can be easier said than done... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've given myself a date for confronting.

I made that date before christmas. I have not changed it. I have considered changing it. I keep going back to it.

Sue -- I have been gone for quite some time now, but I have thought of you often. When I read your latest replies, I was really bummed to see you are still dealing with the same crap you have been dealing with since I started here (20 months ago!) I hope you keep your "date", and confront your H. After all this time, and after everything you have done to "improve" yourself, you owe it to yourself to close this chapter too!!! You never know what your H will chose untill you ask him! I always told my H if he cheated I was GONE... no if's, and's, or but's!... BUT I stayed! Because it was a wake up call for BOTH of us... maybe it will be the wake up call HE needs???

You will continue to be in my thoughts! And I will check back in to see how you are doing!

mac