Everyone who has posted or not posted, thank you for your concern.

Sorry I have not been here much. Not much to say.

I worked this past weekend, the weekends I work, well, those weekends, are pretty much gone. I work Fridays during the day, go home, go to bed, get up around 9 for work, work 11-7, come home, go to bed, get up at 10, take daughter to dance, come home, maybe go back to bed (probably not) (depends upon S#1 and S#2 hockey schedule). Go back to bed between 5-7, even if i don't sleep, I rest. Get up at 9 or 9:30, work 11-7, come home sunday, go to bed, with the intention of getting up for church at 9. I usually sleep through the alarm, and get up around 11. Boys hockey schedules again. (one for sure has hockey on Saturday and Sunday, other one usually has goalie clinic, if not a practice and or game). Try to catch up on laundry so kids have clean clothes for school. (Yes, WH, does try to help in this area. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Sometimes it scares me, and other times he does a really good job. (Yes, undwear and jeans should be seperated before washing, and I don't mean before putting both in the machine at the same time).

I've been trying to get my courage up to confront. I know I have to. It is time.

My deadline is almost near. Son's birthday is this week, party is this weekend. My deadline I gave myself was middle son's birthday. I would not confront before that time. If the results are not what I want, and pray for, I did not want to ruin his birthday. Lined up some apartments to look at. Talked to a lawyer, maybe, if I could save enough, I may not have to move the kids from the house. I will have to decide which way I'm going to go. Apartment? House? I hate to say it, but I think Apartment will be the most practical. There is three buildings right across my where 3, yes 3 of my sisters live. If I checked into those, I would have family close by to help with the kids. (Have to have a plan in case he decides he wants to be with her.)

I'll be back, have to work now

How long is your scedule going to continue like this?

I think your tears on the last big conversation (with him) that you related to us were perhaps largely from fatigue.

Are you getting any time to rest and think before you have this big discussion? I encourage you to do so.

You have been through much, what would you like to see from us? Or what would help you feel the most support?

SS

Winning lotto numbers so I could get that much needed rest.

Seriously, that is why last weekend was bad, I know I cannot confront on a weekend I have to work. I will be too tired.

As I said, I gave myself this deadline. This the first time, there was some sort of date involved. (Even if it was not totally difinitive). In the past, it was very generalized. If I was sticking to that timeline, I would not be close to confronting. (I still need that full time nursing job, remember).

I decided before Christmas that I would confront after shortly after middle son's birthday. I'm sticking with that timeline. Maybe it will be after his party, when the kids are in bed. Came close today. I know I'm almost ready. I don't know what I am waiting for. Maybe for me to be ready. Are we ever ready? Probably not. I will know when I am ready. I recall when I found out I was pregnant with OS. (we were not married, so anyone who wants to condenm me for having a child out of wedlock go right ahead. I can think of worse things I could have done. It would not be the first time. I actually had a so called friend, tell me I brought this upon myself, and God was punishing me for having sex before marriage. I guess we are no longer friends). Anyway, prior to finding out I was pregnant, I was debating about ending my relationship with WH. I realized he was not over the ghost of his Xwife. I realized I was always being compared to her. I had decided I was not going to compete with her memory. I spent two weeks trying to decide if I should give him more time or end it. I finally made a decision to end it, left him a message to see me when he was finished working. Later that day, something told me to get a pregnancy test done, so I did. Well, I found out I was pregnant. So, I didn't know at that time, do I stick with my original decision or just tell him I am pregnant. When he came over, I told him I was pregnant, and never told him I did not want to see him anylonger.

I know that this will be the same thing. I need time to give this my undivided attention (if that is possible with 3 kids). Confront him with what I know. It will happen, and soon. Honestly, I am feeling quite content with this whole thing. I know soon will be sooner than anyone thinks, probably even myself.

Hey, Sue, I have an idea.

AT POST NUMBER "1000", CONFRONT HIM!

HECK, IT IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY!.

I decided it is time to rebuild my self esteem. I need to do this for me. Find me again. I am going to start counseling, for me.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

I just had an interesting conversation with my MIL. WH asked MIL if she could change her weekends that she works to be the same as my weekend. He told her, if she could do that, then WH and I could start going out more and have more time together. She asked him what about the kids, he said, I will watch them, they are my kids. As it is right now, MIL and I work opposite weekends. So, her weekends off, the kids usually spend alot of time over there. They have some friends from her neighborhood they like to play with, and they like being with Grandma.

I was surprised to hear this from her. I never thought in a million years that he would think or suggest such a thing.

I'm not putting too much into this, but I hope it is an indication that things are improving with us, and that I and our marriage matter to him.

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: SwH ]</small>

Sue,

I spent whole day today reading your posting "Strong Suspect". I really admire your corage and strength.

I am new here. I had my 1st post "what should I do?" and got many helpful advice. I still don't know how to confrom with my H. I will pray for you and me.

Lost,

Right now things are going well with us, that I don't want to ruin it by confronting. That does not make it go away. I know I need to confront, so we can have some honesty in our relationship.

It is hard to be in this position. If I could do it all again, I would have done it differently.

First, I would have pushed the honesty issue before we got married
I would have insisted on NC

I was not strong enough back then.

I'm stronger now, than I was then, but I need to pull out that last bit of strength and do what is the right thing to do.

I did not get to see my OS play in his last two games. I did not get home in time from work on Friday, and Saturday Daughter was sick, I was sleeping from working the night shift, so her and I slept all day together. I had the chance to work some extra hours, so I grabbed it. Being the most recent hired, I'm the last they call when looking for a replacement. I don't get called often.

I have to bake cookies this week, approx 10 doz. (yes, I said 10 doz., if I don't have time to bake, I have no problems with buying.)

Hi Sue,
I wish Cerri would visit you and talk to you about this:

Right now things are going well with us, that I don't want to ruin it by confronting. That does not make it go away. I know I need to confront, so we can have some honesty in our relationship. It is hard to be in this position.

She is much better at me in pointing out the reality of things - and you need to hear it from someone.

Perhaps (this is NOT, I repeat NOT a 2x4) we should take out the word confront, and put something else in it's place. I remind you that if he is continuing an A, things are not going well between you, you are just having good days - but the bad ones will come around again, and you will be just a little lower than you were the last time down, and that last one almost wrecked you. If you have to, write it all down, send it to cerri for comments, and then give it to him, but don't put it off. He is afraid, but if you don't do it, that fear will dissipate and the cycle will start over.


If I could do it all again, I would have done it differently.
We can always see the past better from the future, but we don't get to go back, and you did what you thought was best. Don't 2nd guess yourself, you are looking at this from a much improved place - but we take what we get, so please believe you did what you could, and live RIGHT NOW the best you can.

First, I would have pushed the honesty issue before we got married would have insisted on NCI was not strong enough back then. I'm stronger now, than I was then, but I need to pull out that last bit of strength and do what is the right thing to do.

See, you do know what is needed.

I did not get to see my OS play in his last two games. I did not get home in time from work on Friday, and Saturday Daughter was sick, I was sleeping from working the night shift, so her and I slept all day together. I had the chance to work some extra hours, so I grabbed it. Being the most recent hired, I'm the last they call when looking for a replacement. I don't get called often.

This tells me that life continues in the fast lane, at about 40 over the speed limit. Do you have a cape with a big red "S" on it, or do you keep it quiet so as to not draw attention to yourself?

I have to bake cookies this week, approx. 10 doz. (yes, I said 10 doz., if I don't have time to bake, I have no problems with buying.)

10 DZ. - lets see, that's about 2 dz. per batch, so that's five batches to go through the oven - but at least it's winter and it doesn't make the house too hot like it does in the summer.

The big question here is: What are all the cookies for?
Come on, we want to know.

Back to the word confront - you don't have to make it into a production.

It can be something as simple as this:

Dear H,

I know you have been having an A with ___________.

I know about:
(List events that you know about that he did with her)
to name a few- and I know it has been ongoing. One of the reasons I got my nursing degree was so I can leave if you choose to continue to communicate with her.

These are the things I need from you if you want me to stay:
1. NC with her ever again.
2. Earn back my trust.
You must be willing to account for your time......... and so on, and so on.
3. Counseling
4.
complete the list, based on what you need.

I want with all my heart for us to stay together, and I am willing to work on it, but after all that has happened, you only get this one chance, and if you try to continue to see, or talk to her, and hide it, it is all over. I am not willing to play games, I am not willing to look the other way, I am not willing to accept excuses. You can tell the truth, and work on this, or you can leave, but you won't have anything to do with me if you can't start telling the truth RIGHT NOW.

Sincerely,
Sue in Minn.

Now, this is not a really good job, and I know you could do a better one standing on your head, but it can be simple. Just don't mince words, and don't write anything you are not willing to do.

Sue, don't stop half way through - get this finished. If you have to take a day off, and sleep first, then do it, but don't leave it hanging so that he thinks things are back to normal and he can continue - I don't think you will last through a re-start of the bad stuff.

God be with you.

SS

Sue,

ss is so right my dear. While things are good...is the best time to confront. Just think about it this way: At which time do you think confrontation is most likely to lead to the end of an affair and marital recovery? When he feels close to you? Or when he is distant from you? Clearly, you have the best chance of ending the affair if he is attracted to you. Do not miss this opportunity chere. The time is now. Confrontation is not an argument....it's the beginning of REAL recovery instead of the false recovery you are attempting to protect now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Star said:
Confrontation is not an argument....it's the beginning of REAL recovery instead of the false recovery you are attempting to protect now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was looking for the words, and couldn't find them. You said it so well, and I second it.

SS

The cookies, are for the tournament (and I will probably find myself buying instead of baking)

A day off, hard for me to do unless I have a sick kid, I'm sick or a vacation planned. I have worked since I have been 16, without a break in working, and it was not unusual to see me working two jobs over the summer.

Some will disagree with me, but I am going to Vegas. WH is looking forward to this trip, he is trying to find events for us to attend. Money will be tight, but I need a break, time away from everything. Vegas, it will not be a trigger for me. He is very interested in making this a fun trip for the two of us. So, contrary to some advice, I decided to go on the trip, have fun, come home, then confront. I'm not doing this to stall, I really think it will be good for us to do this. I believe it will be helpful to the M. and if I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. It will not be the first time and wont' be the last. I also am not stalling. I am following instinct.

Let me explain it like this. (I know there is a huge difference between marriage and cars). Whenever I followed my gut, things had a way of working out. Such as buying a used car. When I bought a car, that I just knew was a good car, that car lasted me a good two to 4 years. (Keep in mind, I usually pay 500-1500 for used cars). When I had to be talked into that car and I give in to the pressure, the car usually gave me one good year, and I had to stick $$ after $$ just to keep it running another year.

All I can say is, it feels right to do it this way. I don't know why, it feels right, it just does. I know, that many will try to rationalize/analyze, what ever. However, when instinct is telling me that this is right, I cannot ignore it. Sort of like when I knew Nursing was the right thing for me to do. I just knew it. Somethings just cannot be rationalized.

Hi Sue
You know that I am behind you in your decision.
I am here for you a listening ear,or a shoulder to cry on what ever you need.

Please Sue we all know that I am no expert but do what is right for you.That is all the advise I can give you.

And let me help you in the self esteem dept.
You Sue are a wonder,smart,beautiful,compasionate,loving,
strong,woman and I admire all your strengths.

If it feels right do it! huh?....is the same rationale that folks who enter affairs follow.....what a great motto! (NOT!) Follow your gut! even if that means selling your soul huh? This isn't a car Sue. And you aren't the only one in it....are you?

Most of what Dr.H says is counter-intuitive....he knows that....he SAYS that. He says it all the time. Because he knows that people prefer to follow their instincts...and do what feels right instead of what works. Has YOUR gut managed to end this affair or stabilize your marriage and family so far? Because that's been the way you've dealt with this all along isn't it? That's one reason why Harley set up this board....to help people understand that following your gut when it comes to infidelity (cars not withstanding...yikes)....is asking for trouble. Sue...I'd rather you were mad at me...than allow you to think that this sort of logic will benefit you in anyway but the short term.

Penny often says..."I don't do nice"....and I'm going to have to adopt her persona on this one. You want to fool yourself with this blather....I can't stop you....but I ain't buying it either. What you are saying (to me) is that you would rather go to Las Vegas and have a good time...because you need it, and can avoid conflict a little longer....than you are committed to ending the affair.

If a short vacation in a place that frankly celebrates excess and exploitation....is a good choice for you right now....I'll quit the board. Don't mistake my candor for anger. All of us must live with our own decisions. But please, please....don't ask me to believe this isn't another stall because I know better. The only difference....is that for a change you have to choose between fun (which has been in short supply) and integrity (which has been compromised for so long...what's a week in vegas gonna matter?). Just remember though, I'm the type that thinks that the stakes are way too high to put on a black jack table and I'm too smart to buy into the rationale that that this is kosher. Nope.

You want to sell me on this....okay...tell me the truth. "I KNOW I should confront instead of going to Vegas....but you know what? I'm more interested in having a good time right now than dealing with this. I want to escape....and I'm weak, and tired and worn out...and I'm dying to have a little fun." THAT I would understand/believe. That would make sense to me. I might even say...."God knows you deserve some fun". I might even reserve the "but"....but then again....I might not. Why? Because I KNOW what's at stake. I see it everyday.

And one more thing....I care about you...I truly do....forgive me for the 2X4...it's not my style and I probably don't do "tough" very well. So if I messed it up....I'm sorry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know why, it feels right, it just does. I know, that many will try to rationalize/analyze, what ever. However, when instinct is telling me that this is right, I cannot ignore it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've heard this same thing before, I think. Where was it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> *wracking my brain* Oh yeah! From about 30 WSs.

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is in avoiding taking necessary steps because they think they are safer in the status quo. They think they are standing still when, in fact, the situation is doing a drastic downhill sprint.

People are afraid of taking risks and afraid of rocking the boat. People tend to be afraid that they are going to fall out of the boat. You need to do some rocking because the boat is sinking anyway.

Staying in a holding pattern isn't keeping you safe, nor will it save your marriage. Instead, you are an active accomplice in the secrecy and deception that feeds and nurtures the affair. Conflict avoidance is just a nice way of saying that you deceive and pretend because you fear facing the truth. Iour denial of the truth doesn't make it less true, and it doesn't keep your marriage from dying.

I'll bet my front teeth that OW isn't in a holding pattern.

<small>[ February 02, 2004, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Sue,

Don't fool yourself. I did it with all I can. It is not worse than where I was.

I just saw my Dr., then I will talking to Steve. I am determined to do all i can to save the marriage, but it GOD did not see that way, I will accept it too.

Remember that there are a lot of good man out there, your H is not the only man in the whole world. Your deserve something better.

Dear Sue:

catching up on the events from the past few days...You and H had that ONE conversation where his excuse was that the marriage registry with OW at Target was a "joke"? You let it go...did not confront more. H on the other hand got scared, called you a lot, spent time with you.

Where did all that go after a week or two -back to status quo? He knows that you know about his A AND you are enabling him to continue this! Did you even ask for NC? Did you ask H to start working on marital recovery? Does he know he could loose you? Do you feel he is not seeing OW anymore?

Often there are parts missing in what one posts here. Sometimes these parts of the puzzle are important...Sue: what are we missing?

I don't understand how you can go back to tolerating his A?

Hi Sue,

I wonder where you are, and what the pain level is this week.

Lets see, how do you nurses put it?

ON a scale of 1 to 10, what would you say is the pain level this week?

You realize that those who use the 2x4 do it only because they have been there, and they understand the pain, and they want you to be pain free. You know that, but it is still hard to be where you are, to have taken what you have taken, and get hit from another direction.

Remember that these folks love you. Remember that we want what is best for you.

I am sure that the weekends continue to be a sleep deprived experiance. If H is working at least you don't have money problems this month. I am glad for a little happiness, beause you have gone too long with little or none of that, but do a new time line now so we won't worry so much about you.

When is LV if you do go? And why in the world would you go there? I am going for business, but it's not my favorite place.

But then, I admit I like quiet and solitude and the low insurance rates that go with country living.

When you update next, pleast tell us how you are emotionally. You have omitted that lately in favor of the THINGS that are happening, but we want to know the vitals.

God be with you.

SS

I'm here and emotionaly I am fine.

I don't hate anyone for speaking their mind. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And I realize that this is because they mean well.

Are you really emotionally fine?