Yes, I am really emotionally fine. I had a great time in Las Vegas. I needed a vacation. I had not had REAL vacation that lasted longer than 3 days in over 10 years. I needed to get away from work, kids (as much as I love them, I needed time for ME). Which I took. You can have fun in Las Vegas and not spend all your time in a casino and I like going to Las Vegas. I don't like going alot, but I like going once in a while. This was not my first trip to Las Vegas.

Next is a hockey tournament this weekend. One I am looking forward to.

If you are fine, H must be treating you better.

Hope it continues.

Yes, you do need time for you - and on the schedule you have been on, that is almost impossible.

Glad you were able to catch your breath, now lets see if you can improve and maintain the relationship. (Or lets see if H will improve and hold up his end of it.)

Still praying - happy you are doing better. Was really worried for a few weeks there.

SS

WH was very attentive on the trip. He kept wondering if he was not paying enough attention. Especially the day I chose to spend about 4 - 6 hours in the room pampering myself. I really enjoyed the time alone, the time to do all the things for myself that I have troubles getting alone time to do. Especially with a very curious 5 year old in the house. He kept calling the room wanting to know if I was okay. It was called time for me to do a facial, pedicure, manicure, etc. I sat back and vegged out in front of the TV. (Not much to watch on hotel TV.), read a chapter in a book (a real book, not a book that has nursing stuff in it).

Now, I am trying to finish packing so we can leave for the tournament.

Where do you plan to go from here?

Are things improved that much?

SS

Where to go from here? I don't know

Have things improved that much? Maybe - not sure if it is permanent. This is the longest he has gone with being good to me, so it is a start.

Questions no one has asked me.

Did I do a good Plan A? Probably not. I was too goal focused on finishing school, passing boards and finding employment to really concentrate on my marraige. During this time, I mostly pushed my marriage aside, and I was not going to let anything interfere with my finishing school.

Sometime before Christmas is when I actually started really and truly working on my marriage. Prior to that, I did it in bits and pieces.

He bought me a Valentines card without any prompting from me. Honestly, I forgot about getting him anything because of the tournament we were in.

Sue,

It's far easier to "pretend" that everything is okay/better when you're taking trips and are firmly in denial...but when the dust settles everything will be the same. It's kinda like getting drunk...it feels great when you're high...but it doesn't change a thing....and the bottom just gets deeper. As far as questions not asked....I can only say that for most of us...it sounded like you did a pretty damn good plan A (well at least the parts of it you were willing to do anyway)....for an interminable amount of time too. Plan A has a time limit....or it just becomes a vehicle for cake eaters and doormats. Your trip to vegas didn't upset anyone. Do you honestly think anyone here thought you didn't DESERVE a vacation? It's your rationalization for these events....the feeling that you have not really been honest with the folks here that have tried so hard to help...that has this thread dying on the vine. Not for us. We don't have to live your life. But for those of us who truly care about how you are really treated (vegas not withstanding)....it hurts us FOR YOU. I don't give a flying weenie if he was Prince Charming in Vegas if behind your back he's been making wedding plans with this OW and giving cockamamee stories about the registry at Target. Have you ever...in all the time I have spent on this board...ever seen me mad? I am furious at the thought that you might spend one more single day in this charade....not AT you...FOR you. What I can't for the life of me figure out...is why aren't you mad? Where did you learn that it was okay to be treated this way? And I'll tell you this...there isn't a caribbean cruise, a trip to the oscars, or a week in Paris...that would convince me to share my husband with another woman. You sold yourself out. You deserve better. So do your kids.

Sue..here is one of your first posts from June of 2002:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I keep thinking I should start a new thread under PlanA, I don;t know what i would call it. So for now, I will stay here.
I think Plan A is working. Kids went up north for the weekend with Grandma. It gave us a mini vacation at home. Time alone, no distractions, no kids. We went out for breakfast, tore down part of a deck, went out for dinner, and spent the evening relaxing at home. Saterday he did not do his usual 3-5 hour disappearing act. Sunday he did go golfing. How long does it take t play an 18 hole course? He was gone for about 4 hours. We went bike riding when he came home. Watching me walk this morning was somewhat comical - I have not ridden a bike in about 20 years so the muscles are discussing a mutiny. The exercise and dieting is working. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I bought some new jeans, old ones were getting big. I bought these a tad tight, want to get some mileage out of them for when I lose more weight. These are fitting like they should have when I bought them.

I think the H likes to take me out to dinner now. In the past we would go out to eat (I was a size 8). We would order appetizer, meal. I would eat all of my meal, and what he could not finish of his. Sometimes a dessert would be thrown in. An hour later I would be hungry. Now, I have a few bites and I am stuffed. He gets my leftover steak in his lunch the next day.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about myself these days. I'm sure he is still in contact with her.

I've decided that Plan A will last about 1 year. When I am finished with school, pass state boards, and find new employment, if things have not changed, I will confront and implement Plan B. I cannot and will not live this way indefinetly. I feel that by the time I am done with school will be more than enough time for Plan to have had a positive effect on me and my M.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your marriage has zero hope of recovery until the affair is over....that is an honest fact. Anything else...is just an illusion and probably temporary.

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

PLEASE LISTEN TO STAR*FISH.

Sue, I've still been watching and reading, but I will honestly tell you I am very, very frustrated with and for you.
You are doing what I did a year and a half ago. I started blaming myself way too much and him too little. Don't do it.

Pretending the problem isn't there won't make it go away. I do not want to believe you enjoy the drama this is causing in your life. Its time to confront, for real, Sue.

I have ALMOST posted to you for a week now, but I keep wondering what to say.

Let's just say I worry about you. You know what I worry about.

You and only you - know if my worry is justified.

You still have friends, support, and prayers.
Hope it's enough.

SS

Dear Sue:

we just got back from our vacation in Arizona and the first thing I wanted to check on MB was how you are doing.

Sue, I have to tell you this in all honesty: I feel that you have changed. Your posts sound different. You sound different. do you feel that your MB friends here are wrong in what they write to you?

What has been happening with you?

Love

I know everyone means well, and really do care. And I know what has been said is because they care.

I don't like being told I'm in denial when I am not. I know the state my marriage is in. I know a trip to Vegas or anywhere is not the end all cure all. If it was, travel agencies would be a booming industry partnering with MC's.

I know my feelings, I also know I am very good at putting them aside. But, I know they are still there and are not going anywhere and I will have to deal with it at some point in my life.

I never said my husband's affair is my fault. I put the blame right where it belongs, on both WH and OW. They made the decision, I did not.

Sue,

I know I'm being hard on you...and I'm suffering through it believe it or not because I don't think I do the whole 2X4 with much grace. My main purpose is NOT to hurt you, but I know I have. Still, I would rather you were "angry" than "apathetic".

If you were my sister, I'd probably physically shake you. I know you read the old post of yours I brought up, so I know you recognize how little this situation has changed. But what has changed...at least what I've been praying has changed...is that you have reached a point in your life where you KNOW you CAN confront and expose (the other forgotten steps of Plan A)...so I'm confused about why you won't. And I don't think it's Vegas. Vegas is a the symptom, not the disease. The disease is fear.

So why not just put it out there. Then we can stop talking about vacations are start talking about the real issue....fear. I don't blame you for being afraid. This is damn scary. But going on vacation is not going to get that ugly monster out of the closet. The only thing that does that....is turning on the light (confrontation and exposure). Are you afraid he'll choose her? Are you afraid he'll leave? Are you afraid he'll be violent? What the heck is it chere....because none of this makes sense? It's not logical and it's destructive to you as a person.

My brother's little boy was a tender soul. When ever he was fussed at....he would look at you and whimper "That's it. I've lost my power. Now I'm only half-powered." I used to tell him "Come see. I'm the recharger...I've got beaucoup power and I'll give ya some." You need some power Sue. You're accepting a situation that is poison for your soul. Surely being the "victim" of this must be tiring and devasting for you sense of self. You are becoming invisible...and I know what that feels like.

I wish I could just let you flounder...but you know what....I just can't. So I'm going be all over you like white on rice....and I'm going to keep asking "why" and "when". You know..that the "definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." To get different results....you have to do something different. Look at that old post....even back then you were talking about the kind of Plan A that goes on forever and beats you down.

I know you have heard on greater authority than I have that you are enabling your husband's affair. Why should he stop when you are willing accept it? Vegas is only the tip of the "acceptance" "enabling" "doormatitis" iceberg. Let us help you find the courage to do something that has some hope of changing your life. When I said "denial" I didn't mean you deny the existence of the affair....what I meant is that you deny the honesty necessary to end the affair. Honesty...that's what confrontation and exposure both are. That is the only thing that will free you from the lies you must live with.

Star*fish said it really well.
(thanks Star !)

What we want for you:

Reduced stress

A loyal, faithful spouse

Peace of mind

A true partner - full time, not part time.

Off the roller coaster

Someone you can share your heart with - because right now, there are things that can't be discussed.

Honesty

Ability to trust - and not have to wonder

No secrets

POJA - for everything

Support for your dreams

Support for your trials

Someone you can cry with, not because of.


Friends - when they are really good friends will sometimes say things you don't want to hear.

There are no easy ways to say some things.

We care about you -

SS

OK, Ok,

How's this?

Laugh and the world laughs with you -
Cry, and it really dilutes your beer.

I want to hear how you are doing - after all, you have so much spare time now days, you may as well post.

SS

I confronted him last night.

Right now, I am numb, confused, hurt, sad, everything all at one time.

He did not leave

This morning he said we can try

He said he will end it

There is still too much to do and say.

Right now, I am too numb to think

I told him, when he tells her, I want it to be via e-mail and I want to see it. He said okay, but he was not happy about it.

I dont' know if it has been done yet.

Right now, I want to take the kids and run far away from all of this and leave it behind and start over.

I dont' know when I will post again. I need time alone

Oh Sue,
((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Prayers for your healing.
Prayers for him to do the right thing.

Take the time you need, but if you want to talk, come back and see us.

You know I have not been where you are, and I can't tell you I know how you feel, but I feel for you, and I care about you. I think you know all of us care about you.

God be with you.

SS

Sue in the immortal words of Martin Luther King "the truth will set you free". Whatever happens from this point on....will at least be healthy and true. Of course he didn't leave...usually they don't. The affair ends. That's what happens. That's when recovery can begin. I will pray that this is a beginning for the two of you. Of course he is unhappy about ending the fantasy....but how unhappy have you been? For so long? How is this worse than living and sharing. Gather around the people who love you take some comfort in knowing you have acted in your own best interest, in the interest of your family and in the interest of your children. Why should this go on? It's wrong and ugly and it needs to stop. You did the right thing. Look at the big picture, and not just today. Imagine how broken you would be if this continued indefinitely and what freedom will taste like.

(((((((((((((((Sue))))))))))))))))
don't stay away from us too long...we care about you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SUE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so very proud of you.I know how hard this was.I am here,just a phone call or email away.

Sue you are one of the most amazing women I have met.

Stay strong if you can but remember you are human its ok to hurt,it ok to cry and its ok to be angry.Let it all surface then start to heal.

You are loved by so many.
Take care my dear dear friend.
Ginger

Right now, I want to pack bags for me and the kids and run far far away. As far as I can get. I know that will not solve anything.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know which are valid and which are not. Which are fear motivated, which are pain and hurt motivated. I keep crying on and off.

Gotta go,

Wait.

Just wait a few days. It will all settle down in your mind, and you will know.

After the initial shock wears off, you will be able to trust yourself again. This is normal for the very abmormal situation you are in. It is the fight or flight syndrome - you have studied it, you can see it if you think about it. We don't see safety in the unknown, and we want to run.

I have faith in you - Now you try it too.

SS

Dear Sue, my Hero,

I pray for results you hope for, but no matter what the outcome, YOU DID WHAT YOU COULD, kept doing it, despite pain, anger, tiredness, sadness, and fear.

I wish I could make the current anxiety easier for you. I do believe long term your actions will pay off - for you and for your family as well.
Hugs,
FBOW