WOW, I never thought I would see this! You brave women, you confronted him before your "number 1000" post on this MB thread! YOU WON! ding ding!

(member when I made that bet with your earlier)

I am proud of you! Now don't go back on yourself after that progress you made. Keep on going forward. There is a new and better life waiting for you if you continue on this difficult but "right" pathway!

I know I said I might not be posting for a while, guess MB is sort of like a drug. You keep coming back.

Right now, I'm very confused, I'm not going forward or back. Just sort of standing still. I love him, but I don't know if I want my marriage anymore. I really don't know if I want to save it or walk away. I often think of packing and leaving. I feel trapped right now.

He changed the password on his yahoo account. I knew he would.

I really don't believe he will end it. He said to her in the last e-mail "you are a big part of my life". He has never said that to me. Not once in our whole relationship. What does that say. As I think back on our relationship. I could probably count on both hand the number of times he said "I love you". That is in 12 years.

Even when he proposed, there was no "I love you", "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" nothing like that. What was I thinking when I agreed to marry him? I wasn't. That is all I can say. I was not thinking.
gott go

He changed the password on his yahoo account. I knew he would.

I believe you know what to do about this.

He has to earn his way back, and it sounds like he is not doing it.

So many things I want to ask, and or say. Don't know what to say, what to leave alone.

There are rules to recovery, and if he won't follow them, there IS NO RECOVERY.

You know what has to happen - guide him or give it to him, but don't let him get away with anything. His time for that is past. Make sure he knows that.

Oh shoot - you know all this stuff. Why do I worry so much?

Because of your feelings. We care about your feelings and how you are doing emotionally.

Prayers continue, would do more if it was possible.

SS

I don't really know how I am emotionally. I'm up, I'm down. I cry, I laugh, I'm sad, I'm thoughtful, mostly, I am emotionless.

I'm sitting here getting drunk right now. I think it is time to switch to plain diet coke and leave out the rum. I have a bad habit of getting mouthy when I am drunk. Right now, he is being a "good boy". Unless you count the taking the cell phone with when he walked the dog. Now, he hardly ever walked the dog.

He says he will try because of the kids. I don't know if I have it in me to try.

I think back, and I don't believe he loved me, not when he married me. I was such a fool. My friends back then were right. I can be so pigheaded. I know what I should do to try to save the marriage, I have to take time to decide, do I want to. I really dont' know.

I need answers and I have none

Why did he marry me? As I said before, he didn't say he loved me when he proposed. I was so happy he wanted to get married, I did not notice that.

Our first anniversary-we did nothing, I mean nothing. He blew it off

Why am I wanting to stay married to him?

I want to take my ring off and give it to him. I want to tell him when he is ready to completely commit, he can then put in back on my finger. (probably a bad idea)

How many affairs have there been? Has he ever been faithful to me? Honestly, I don't think so.

I think I want a divorce

Hi sue,

I haven't posted to you before but I have read some of your story.I just wanted to say that I think it was high time that you confronted your WH and now that part is over.If you haven't already,now is the best time to get into counseling and perhaps on AD's as well.I am taking Remeron and it helped me during the worst times.

Be prepared that your WH isn't truly desiring to stop the A or work on your marriage.It could be just lip service since you now have confronted him.When I confronted my WH,he told me he would end the A and he said good bye to the homewrecker.But 2 weeks later I found that they were still in contact and 2 weeks after that WH asked for a separation.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but your WH changed the password on his yahoo account(easily a red flag for the bs)and not any way in which to make you feel safe and secure.Please don't try to numb your pain with alcohol or other substances.As hard as it is,FEEL the pain.Go through it.To suppress it will only guarantee future problems with undealt emotions.But these emotions are very stressful and for that you do need help(AD's and IC/MC).

Also,please remember that you should not make any major decisions about your marriage for 6 months or more.You are not able to do that right now since your emotions are over riding any ability for rational decision making processes.

I know you may want to pack up and run for the hills.God knows it took every ounce of strength I had for many days to not walk down to my lawyers office and file.Two days after I had made the decision in my mind that I wanted a D and I was clear in my mind,WH came home to say how sorry he was and that he wanted to reconcile and to give him that chance.Talk about confusing.I had to talk to my counselor a few times to even consider reconciling. But he knows that it's all or none right now.If I find one shred of evidence that he is contact,then that is it.That I know for sure.We have been through too much for him to say "oops I slipped" or whatever lame excuse he could use.It won't fly with me.

Anyway,hang in there.You are in for the ride of your life now.You may have thought that you were already but the tables have turned.The A is outed and now you have a whole new set of issues to deal with and you need all your strength.Get as much support around you as you can.

Keep us posted.

O

Call me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so worried about you.

Sue,

I'm damned proud of you.

And you know where to reach me.

J

There is the perception....that when you do the right thing...that things get better. The reality is that they do...however, generally, they first get worse. Dealing with the truth...is at first painful, the rewards are delayed. Have you ever heard of "delaying gratification" or that you have to have a "break down before you have a breakthrough"....well Sue...that's where you are. You've been through childbirth I know....so you know that it sometimes takes pain to achieve glory. You say you want a divorce...I'm sure you feel terrible...but I also know that nothing in your life will improve without walking through a little bit fire.

I'm okay.

I would not be surprised one bit if he was not trying to find a way to maintain both still.

Right now, I'm trying to sort through everthing going through my mind and ask/talk about the important stuff, and ignore the irrelevant stuff. (is any of it irrelevant?).

There is so much I want to say, ask, some of it, might, would be LB's, okay, most of it would be LB's at this point.

I have some antiD's. my Dr. gave them to me about 6 months ago. Approx a 2-3 months supply. What a doc to give me that much in samples.

Dear Sue:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would not be surprised one bit if he was not trying to find a way to maintain both still </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In your words I hear doubt...so much doubt that he loves you/ever loved you. Remember the time a few weeks ago, when you talked with him about the registry at Target. You wrote back then, that he was calling you all the time, drawing closer to you.

Sue...as a BS we underestimate how much the WS values us. It took me all this time since d-day, almost two years, to BELIEVE my H when he says he loves me. I did not think that he valued me one bit. I felt worthless and unloved because of his A. It took all this time to change that feeling.

From what you have written here I sense that your H loves you. After you confronted him, he said that he wants to try. Trying is not easy. Many times I wanted to shake my H and shout at him: "You are not trying hard enough. You can do better than THIS!!!" But always look at the overall picture- remembering that you will have a skewed view, because your perceptions are not objective.

Sue, dear Sue, don't sell yourself cheap. You are an amazing woman and your H knows that.

You have read the Harley texts about for and withdrawal, right? Now apply what you know. Calm down, have that coke and rum (remember two years ago, when you told me it was o.k. to have one or two or three glasses of red wine?)

Take care, all the best to you.
Hugs

Sue,
Like the others, I am so very, very proud of you. I had gotten to the point that I thought you were going to sacrifice yourself for the sake of an illusion~ but you stood up and finally put yourself first.

Of course, now comes the really hard part- choosing the path to follow.

Assert yourself. I'm still learning this and its a year later from my Dday. So Im lending my support knowing how difficult it is.

Watch what he does. Its the greatest indicator for you what path you should follow. Are his actions supporting the words coming out of his mouth? Is he making sure you know everything? Answering anything you ask of him? These are also indicators tha you two can make it.

Don't be afraid to allow yourself some time.

Know you're busy.
Know life is hard.

Wondering....................

Praying.

Wishing !!

SS

I'm just doing alot of thinking/questioning

I'm even wondering if OW knew if he was married. She has never made a reference to him promising to leave me. Does she think we are divorced and living in the same house for the kids? I really wonder what she knows.

Right now, I am thinking about a e-mail I found that he hid in a folder in his e-mail account. Once I'm done thinking this over, I will post about it.

I'm still here and doing fine.

I tired, I am not sleeping well at night. I wake often, and don't know what or why I woke.

When this happens, I know it means I have to make a decision, and I am wrestling with this decision.

Sometimes, I think I married the biggest jerk in the world, and think, he does not deserve all he has. Other times, I ask, why do I love this man, who has helped to create a marriage that was nothing but a lie.

Hi,

My name is Linda and I have just joined this forum, although I have been using Dr. Harleys instructin for about 18 months. I have read your posts. I have been where you have been. The numbness, the denial, the accepting the cruelty, not knowing for 18 years what was going on and then living in h*ll for the next 18 months. Now things are changing.

I too had the situation of him saying he would give up the OW and then didn't. Told me that I was old and ugly and what women he liked sexually when I was suicidal. Also told me he would be relieved if I was dead. Then said he wasn't trying to hurt me or drive me to suicide by this behaviour. Always the "I just thought you deserved the truth about what I like and think of you" His use of "telling me the truth" nearly killed me.

I went to therapy alone, went with him, suffered the pain of him saying the right thing but doing nothing different. It wasn't until I permanently put plan B into operation, while living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed that he started to come around. Still it took months and then a few weeks ago I just told him I was over him - that did it.

My story, or a concise version of it is on the thread ... Haven't seen anything on my situation... maybe a read of it will help you.

I cleaned her out of the address book/voice dial on his phone, just waited for my chance. Never mentioned it to him. Told him that married people do not have secrets. Refused to accept anything less than proper behaviour. I also started living as if he could go get a divorce anytime he wanted and I got "busy" or at least pretended not to have time for him.

I let him know I was not available unless he behaved properly. I told everyone whom saw that I was upset, or that something was wrong, the truth. I did it quietly and sadly, no dramatics. I stopped protecting his reputation, his lies and OW. I told him I would do this if he couldn't be honest and work with me as he promised. As I discovered his lies, I just answered people's questions truthfully instead of avoiding the questions.

It made him sit up and think, he is now doing therapy properly, he still acts mean at times, but I tell him and do not let him turn it into his "victim" story. So things are moving now in the right direction and I am beginning to have better self esteem. Don't feel so ugly and used and stupid. I have grown so much from soing the "right behaviour" all this time. It was not in vain. I garnered help on how to behave from this site and many others. God carried me through it. Lots of prayer, especially for Grace when he hurt me.

I encourage you to put plan B into operation right in the same house. Also take some money out of the bank account and put it in your account each time you see he has spent some on her. Maybe the same amount as he uses for his luncheons and trips. Tell him if he asks, it is your entertainment/ new wardrobe, new perfume money, after all fair's fair. Next time he signs you up for something, whatever it is, immediately plan something else for that time, take away his control of you, even for good causes, call and cancel. Just tell him you are doing something else, whatever you decide to do instead, and don't argue, look act and talk puzzled that he would think of signing you up without asking you. Find something to do that is not with him, gym or movies or a new hobby.

Sing as you get ready to go out. If you can, get ready in front of him, put on make up and then admire yourself in the mirror. Nod as if you are pleased with your appearance and then leave. Be short in answers. Smile to yourself and then if he comments, tell him you are thinking of the fun you had there.

Also I would turn up on those evenings he plans without you. Let him explain why his wife is there to the OW and his friends, just be so sweet and puzzled as to why the OW is there. Let his friends who encourage his disgusting cheating feel embarrassed.

Oh yes, put a keylogger on the computer, no more secrets. I had to tell my husband I knew the truth and not let him deny it before he changed. He realised he couldn't have his lifestyle and me. It made him compare what we both were and the OW lost. To have all revealed would destroy him socially at church and his family would die if they saw her. He wanted me for the "good" functions and saved the fun for her. I told him I can be fun if you choose to share it with me, she can never be me and the acceptable loving wife I am. She is an adulterer and an embarrasssment or you would have taken her to church and to your parents and divorced me long ago. Then I ignored his denials, just left the room.

I called and confronted her with her actions. Made sure she couldn't say - I didn't know. I was kind but direct. I also informed anyone who knew her that she was involved with my husband and it was very upsetting, I just couldn't understand why someone like her would do such a thing. No more no less.

Please begin your version of plan B now - it works for building you up, makes you feel so much better and has a good chance of turning him around.

Before I did plan B properly, I used to ask him why didn't he just leave me or tell me he really didn't want me or just divorce me, I would have been dead and buried for months - he would have been free and had all the money, the house and his OW. He could have been the poor greiving husband with his comforting new wife.

Then it dawned on me that he could have done it at any time on the last 18 months and yet didn't - that showed me he didn't really want to do it. He couldn't let go of me! I felt my power for the first time. That was when I told him I was over him, started plan B and changed the course of our marriage.

SP

I admire what you did silver. It's the way I hope I would deal with it if I had to.

Hi Sue!

Ali here. Remember me? The one with the whinny husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Holy cow! Your thread is soooo long! I've checked back to see how some of you are doing and I noticed in your thread that you are considering a divorce. I am not one to give advice because I am feeling that same thing too. Although RR wants to move forward and is basically off his feel sorry for me trip but he still blames the OW for his affair. But anyway, the letting go part is the hardest thing to do. I am assuming that he is still with his OW? Sue you are a great, wonderful, compassionate person. You deserve so much more than that. You should not be the cake and eat it too in his life. I am not sure how yourself esteem is holding. I see some days you are OK and others not so good.
I have learned so much about myself in the last year. I know what I want and I know what I deserve. I think you do to bbut afraid to take that step. YOU deserve a second chance. You deserve to be treated better by someone that can love you and only you. Not sure if you did this because your thread is soooooo loooong it would have take me weeks to find it. But have you written the pro's in your marriage? What are you gaining from it, etc.?? I know right now I am soooo angry because that year mark is coming up and I don't even want to look at RR because all of the pain that I have to deal with. Still feels like yesterday. I made a list and I am going to show it to my therapist. I am afraid to show it because I know what she will say. Sometimes being with someone because they are so familiar is not the reason why to stay with them. I know I seek comfort with that in RR. The fact that he supports me (yes he still has his job and loves it but a little too much), puts a roof over my head, allows me to stay home and raise my children. I am have been battling that very same D. question too. I sometimes feel it is better to be miserable than alone. I just can't stand to see you on the side lines. It has been yo long for you to go on like this. I am so callused because of this and to think about what you are going through is unimaginable!
Sue, you have to do what is best for you. Think of your children and the imprinting that children learn. Even older kids learn our behavior. I hope you respond to my post. I want to read your thoughts personally.

Sincerely,
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Antidepressants are great aren't they? God only knows what I'd be like without them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />