Loy, I'm suddenly VERY aware of hard it is NOT to push. I want to be insistent TOO ! I want to force, and I see that as a HUGE LB on my part, and I'm not going to do it. I'm in Plan A, but when I asked him if he was still with her, he said yes. That she insists it wasn't her that said all those things to me. He sees he's trying to brush her off, that HE got himself into it, HE has to get himself OUT of it. But that's the first time he's given any indication that he chose ME and not her. Now if only I can BELIEVE HIM.

He did say he's having difficulty forgiving himself for what he's done to me. He knows he's hurt me before, but this was far too much. He was so wrong in that. All I said, well in the future, if you feel your love is gone, and you want to part ways, please either divorce me or kill me, the cheating is the hardest to deal with. He said, where's the gun ? and laughed. My humor escaped me. He's still FOGGY. But I think he's made decisions. He did tell me that he always liked the way I made him feel, confident.

Sounds very promising. Keep up the good work and do not rush.

((betrayedinjersey)) You ARE doing the right thing. You have to take care of yourself!

Thank you beleiver! I enjoyed reading the 180 degree list. It's a "in-your-face" list, but well needed.
I'm new to this jersey - I suspected for quite some time, but could not prove anything.
Sigh - all I guess I should provide to you right now is cyber hugs. Since I'm new, I still have much to learn. BUT, I did find the book at the Christian bible store, and started reading!
Just have to let go, and let God.

Vivian

(((((((Hi All)))))))
Almost done with my first day of work since D-Day. WH called to check on me a little while ago. When I saw his number come up, I immediate felt anxiety, but answered very positive.

I said, "Hello"
He said, "Hi Honey, how is your day going?"
I said I was doing okay.
He told me his day was going rough. That he was taking his mom shopping tonight, that her shoulders have been keeping her up at night.

Said he may stop over later, not sure. I said okay. Other non monumental conversation and we said goodbye. That's something I haven't done is said I love you when hanging up the phone. (not there yet).

The good news is I didn't call to prompt his calling me. It was again unprovoked on my part. I'm trying so hard. Every minute. I don't know if he talked to OW today. I'm not going to ask. Not yet, I can't keep poking. I have to chose my moments wisely.

Still in holding pattern.

I'm in Texas. Where's the OW??? I'll open up a can of whup a** on her for ya!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(((((((((Thank you so much)))))))))))))
You put a smile on my face for a second there.
I'm having a down moment. I'm depressed, and crying.

This is the hardest part, the rollercoaster, the up and the down. No matter how promising one moment looks, the mourning over my loss is chewing away at all I'm trying to do.

I've realized no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much effort I put into this, my marriage as I knew it, is still over. And that cuts so deep.

I'm starting to wonder if that is the reason I'm making these desperate attempts to hang on.

I wonder if I wasn't hurting so much, if I would feel the same way. Perhaps I would have let him see how green the grass ISN'T on the other side.

I'm sliding down the slippery slope again.
He's still with her.
period.
Doesn't know if he wants me or her.
He can't come here, tell me he loves me, tells me he wants me back, tell me he wants to work on this, tell me he wants to come home, and not know if he doesn't want her.
This is too much for me.
he tells me, keep doing what you're doing.
which is WHAT ?
I think I'll use the same approach, but with a different outcome in mind for me.
I'm going to try to start letting go.
Maybe I can wean myself off him.
He says I'm trying to rush things.
NO, I'M TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM FURTHER BETRAYAL.
I'M A FOOL FOR FALLING INTO THIS.

Stay strong. Try to detach yourself without losing sight of your M. The more you detach yourself, the more you can show him the real person you are. Otherwise you come across as too needy, whining, just the sort of person he'll want to get away from. You're doing great so far. You're stating your needs clearly but without nagging. You're not bombarding him with why's where's and when's. That's good. But to get through it for the next weeks and months, you'll need to focus less on him and his needs, and focus on yourself. Detach.

How do you detach? Hard to do, I know. Every word, every action is reason to hope. After 3 months of pure hell, my WH finally turned to me and said, "I guess we're in this together forever from now on." The next day he acted like couldn't stand me. Two months later he filed for D. And till the very end he kept telling me how much he loved me.

I'm not telling you this to make you give up hope but to help you detach yourself while he's going through the Fog. I think if I'd found that detachment early enough, things might have turned out differently.

I can only do my part. I can't do his. But I have to be strong enough, and in a clear enough state to know if I'm being played the fool.

We have absolutely no dependencies on each other. The finances are evenly split during this time, and we can each manage comfortably.

I've heard up to 3 weeks once he's realized he doesn't want to walk away from his marriage, but can't end the A either.

I'm setting up a counseling session ASAP. I'll start alone, that way if a month comes and goes, and he's still playing the game, I'll be in a better place.

I feel him reconnecting with me, but every time he calls me I am VERY well aware that no matter how well or bad the conversation goes, he NEVER says I love you at the end of the call anymore. Is this normal ? I'm positive he is telling HER that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sh94, You are right. What happened to your M? DId you get a D?

Jersey, I am in the same place as you are. It's been 3 months, I still don't see any sign. Some times I feel so hopeless. But everyone told me to hang on there. So here I am , hanging on, don't know what it is. But I trust GOD, he will give me the best answer. I just have to be patient.

I can tell you that he's being honest with me. He's not being honest with her. I guess if I had to choose a side of that fence, I'd rather be on my side. Although it's painful, it reminds me that we built something on honesty, love, respect and consideration. All they have is something built on lies, and he continue to lie to her.
I know about her. I know when he talks to her.

She has NO clue he's still talking to me, and trying to see where him and I go.

We are supposed to go to the Poconos in May for his birthday. We may very well end up going. If things are still at this place in May, after that weekend I'm switching to plan B.

He's coming over tonight for dinner. I'm going to connect with him again, not bring up OW. This is where he needs to be right now. I guess he's testing both sides of the grass. I can maintain my grass, for now.

My sister is having a very difficult time with this, and wants me to tell him to back off until he knows what he wants.

I told him last night I didn't know where to start to fix this. He told me I already had. The way I've been with him has made him realize how good we our together. To keep doing as I'm doing because he had forgotten that before now. He tells me not to push, poke or rush. We'll be okay if we keep doing what we're doing.

Then get rid of her !!!!! I want to demand that so much, but I know I can't. She can't see him, she can only talk to him on the phone because of the distance. But I have to realize, that if she were here, would things be like this ? I've nearly driven him directly into her arms. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

How do I know I'm not being played ? How do I know he's finding a way to stay slightly involved in his marriage, and slightly involved with his A ?

I'm really having my doubts here.

Is this the result of Plan A working or Plan A working to enable his A ?

You won't ever know if your Plan A is helping heal the M or if it's prolonging the A. But don't you see, that line of thinking is where we make so many mistakes with using these Plans. I know - that's where I went wrong right at the beginning. I used the Plans as some grand strategy, hoping that if I played the game right, I'd save my M. I didn't realize that these Plans are for us, the BS's! And hopefully in the process of doing a good Plan, your WH will return, because these Plans do show your WH what he'd lose otherwise.

Like you I went back & forth, up & down on the emotional rollercoaster, trying to figure out when to do Plan A, how to do it, was it working, when to start Plan B. And then I finally figured out - Plan A is for me, it's to teach me how to be the best wife I can, it's to make sure that when and if my WH finally leaves me that I know I've done everything I can to save our M. I stopped using it to trap my WH back into the M and used it for myself. I kept searching my heart - as well as my mind - to see if it was time for Plan B, and both heart & mind said it wasn't. When my WH finally left me, I knew I'd done everything I could - and that was the greatest feeling. I've never had any regrets that I could have done more. And yes, to answer a previous question, I did lose my M. I've been divorced now for over a year.

Thank you for the post. It does help some. It changed my thinking process. Plan A is for me. For now. I don't know how long I will do Plan A, and I don't know if I can risk Plan B right now.

My WH came over for dinner last night. We were intimate and talked about why that part of our M went wrong. It was good to get honest dialogue.

He told me last night when he was leaving that he loved me. Not asked. He just said it. And that's the first time I've heard those words in awhile now.

My WH is in a tough place.

Your doing good work. I've been doing Plan A and sometimes I want to take a break from it but your post and posters just game me a little boost. Thankfully I won't see WH for a few more hours and geer up for a night of fun Plan A - no relationship talks unless he intiates. Keep posting.

It's not easy, Plan A, because like it's been said so many times, your own emotional needs aren't being met by anyone except yourself.

I have noticed that I'm getting some Plan A actions from him from time to time as well.

So far today, WH hasn't called. Not going to wonder why. I can't put myself through that. I have to stay in a good place for me.

Last night I had dinner ready when he got there. Got him whatever he needed. Was having a sore arm from a GOUT flare up. Brought him medicine, rubbed his arm down with ointment.

Was comforting his pain, and was intimate with him, since his arm was in such terrible pain, I had to do all the work. But I took my time and I blocked out all distractions.

WH is trying to call me now, I'm letting it go to voicemail.

Afterwards he talked for hours, as I struggled to fall asleep. But I forced myself to be attentive, and listen.

He stayed for a couple hours longer. Asked me at one point if I was getting tired, I said no I was okay.

I was greatful for the time we shared. Woke up today feeling , I did good, I'm proud of myself.

Hang in there Loy. I see the results of Plan A, in him and in me.

Interestingly enough, the more aloof I am, (in only positive ways, being very flexible, not calling, not pursuing)... the better results I seem to be getting.
He called around 1:45 PM (or at least that's the first time I saw the number come up on my caller ID here at work, I had been to lunch for about 30 minutes). I decided not to appear THERE (whenever he needed or wanted to reach out and call me).... so I waited...he didn't leave a voicemail. Within 5 minutes, he called BACK.... I was GOING to answer it...and decided not to. Then I started to think, hmm...I wonder if something is wrong, and he just needs something about a bill or something. I was going to call back but decided, let's just wait and see. Within 15 minutes, he called me for the 3rd time. This time I answered the phone....
he needed NOTHING. Just chit chat about nothing for a good 30 minutes. Listening to how his day at work went, how sore his elbow was, the parking problem he's having at his mothers. The ENTIRE time, I can hear someone calling him on his cell phone, it's beeping in on us, at LEAST 10 times in that 30 minutes. I'm assuming it was her, because if it were work, he'd have just said, that's work calling, hold on. But he didn't. He ignored the beeps. After the conversation was done, I THINK he waited for me to ask if he would call me or come over later on, but I didn't. IT WAS HARD...TOOK EVERY OUNCE OF WILL POWER NOT TO ASK.... but I didn't. He ended up having to say, okay honey, I'll call you later, I was thinking about coming over, but I don't know, my arm is really sore. I said..... that's okay. <---that was IT. ALL I SAID. I haven't called him. I haven't bugged him...I'm there. Period. And it seems that the more desperate she becomes in the constant phone calls seeking reassurance, the opposite is happening on MY side. He called me 3 times in 20 minutes to talk about nothing ?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

hehehe
big hugs* Things are looking up beleive it or not.. You're doing great!!!!!!!!! Nothing that starts in lies end well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

After I spoke to him this afternoon, I checked the bank shortly afterwards, and realized we were in a bit of a jam. (result of my WH inability to pay attention, that was always my job). We're seriously overdrawn on one of our primary accounts.

So I attempted to call him on his cell phone. IT WAS OFF. This is new developemnt. That thing is never OFF. Even if he's avoiding or screening calls, he has had the need to see who is calling. (Obviously OW).

Now we currently have no ill feelings going between us, things are going quite well. That cell phone is the only way she can contact him. Without that cell phone on, she's completely cut off.

Now, in the pattern I've followed for the last several days to a week, I next to NEVER call him. As a matter of fact I only returned a voicemail to him last night asking me what time I'd be home for work, other then that, no calls from me period.

So he's not avoiding my calls, he's not anticipating a call from me, so why is that cell phone off ?

Remember, this is their primary source of contact, they are a gazillion states away from each other currently. Yet not only did he just not answer the calls, he turned it OFF.

I'm wondering if that's significant in any way. Maybe perhaps the FOG is working in my favor for once ?

Not getting my hopes up, still strongly in Plan A. Seeing positive results from both of us.

This morning I feel down again. I can't seem to get a grip on this thing.

Didn't see WH last night, but he called me late in the evening.

Is still having a rough time from pain in elbow and knee, seems grouchy because of it. Slightly irritable, even with me I think.

I know this is one day at a time, but so far, I've not been able to get through 2 days in a row of feeling that I'm okay. It's every other day. And those days like today, really kick me.

This isn't a game, this is my life, and it's been smashed to pieces, and there's such a part of me that can't stand to accept that face.

I think I may be getting worse. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />