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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 47
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I just want to know how many dedicated dad's out there feel it would be a privilege to watch their children play soccer on their final soccer weekend, there are also parent games to play against their kids as well. I just finished asking my husband who wants a divorce ( he's in the fog, loves someone else, claims he doesn't anymore, pressured into marrying me you know how the story goes) anyway I asked him if he was comming to soccer sunday and he said he is going to visit his friend jack. Meanwhile I would love to play against my kids tommorow but have to worry about the two year old who waunders all over the field and might get hurt or lost etc. He told me to figure it out, buy her some chips and strap her in the stroller. This is how he always seems to be, the kids are not important enough, he has told me in the past if you have seen one game you have seen them all. He then wonders why I was a naggy wife we'll these things are important to me, spending time with our kids, going camping, going away on holidays, creating memories that will last a lifetime. Is this so wrong, am I asking for too much? All I have ever wanted is to to be a family!

So tell me dad's, do you all spend time with your kids. I hate feeling like I have been a single parent throughout our whole marriage, He see's jack all the time, I guess I know where his priorities lay.

We have three children 8, 5, 2, we have never taken them camping ever. last summer we went once but he was miserable it was one month before he told me he want's out. I got fed up and took them and went with my sister inlaw they had a blast. I am extemely frustated and angry at my H.

Any advice?
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Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

lostnhurt
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posted April 03, 2004 09:27 PM
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SNT, I know how you feel. I felt that before. But supprisingly, since he asked for a D, H became more involved with kids. I don't know why, maybe he felt guilty about his A.

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lostnhurt

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sad and tired
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posted April 03, 2004 10:06 PM
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Thanks for the post. My H I doesn't feel guilty at all claims its all for the better for me and him that we will find someone we are truly meant to be with. He's into past life stuff.

The thing is these things have never seemed all that important to him. Think's they will grow up fine and everything will be ok. Has been like this since we had the kids. but then he claims he never wanted to do these things because I was there and it was me he never wanted to be around.
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Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

Joined: May 2002
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I am not proud to admit this, but it is what it is. When I was thinking of divorcing my wife (because my marriage was miserable - not becasue I was having an affiar - I wasn't, and not because of her affair - I didn't know about it) I never even thought about the kids. All I did with the kids I really did mostly for her - and she did not appreciate it. I figured I would split and then she could do all those things for and with the kids - I was tired of it, and she did not show any appreciation to me for doing it.

Well, then she told me about the affair, I turned to God in a new way, we built a new marriage, I realized there is a big difference between putting effort into the family and putting effort into a marriage. I saw that I needed to change some things about myself.

I am now becoming more of a father for my own sake, not hers.

It sounds to me that your number one emotional need is Family Committment. There is nothing wrong with that, but it obviously is not his #1. He probably never understood what his attitude toward your children was doing to you emotionally, and how it damaged your relationship with him. You sound like you don't separate the two (marriage and family) very well. You probably didn't understand the effect that your requests for time together that included the kids had on him.

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Thanks for the post. You are probably right my # 1 is most likely family commitment. I don't feel happy when I feel like we are not being a family. I am not saying I ask him to do this all the time. My H has spent many many weekend doing what he likes but if we had commited to a couple of camping trips and some skiing in the winter It would have done wonders for me. I need this to look forward to. Because he has never shown much interest in the kids it has affected the rest of the marriage. I cannot just say oh well he will come around because I have done this for the past 8 yrs and things are still the same. why should I have to live without this when thousands of other families go camping and have fun all the time you see it every day.

Another thing was the romance was gone. we stopped buying each other cards and things and he calimed it was a waste of money. He never really ever wants to go out for dinner together or anything. We have grown apart. emotionally it has bothered me because it seems like he doesnt care.

I posted this exact same post on the plan A/B form there is more info on family history etc.

Joined: Feb 2004
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Not going to make a long post, but I will say that I cant remeber life being as good before I had kids. My W is the one who shows the indifference at times, so I can somewhat relate to what you're saying. To me nothing is as important as family commitment. He had those kids, he needs to help make sure they are happy, loved and cared for. NO excuse not too. If his problem is with you, that is no reason for the kids to suffer.

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Thanks for the post just have to say I feel exactly the same way. Family commitement is extremely important. Of course he did not come to soccer and our daughter especially was upset he did not come. The hard part is when they ask me why didn't daddy come, she really wanted to play against him with the parents against the kids game. It's sad he has seen some of their games this year but only because I have been in school full time and I had to do homework. Normally he does not show any interest to watch them at all.

I am sure the kids will remmember this and it is sad to think if he keeps this up that they will develop resentment towards him or they will feel not loved. My daughter is pointing out how other families have a mom and a dad who both come every weekend. The excuse has always been that daddy works night shift. She is getting smarter and older now and knows that daddy had the night off and she knows he would have had enough time to sleep. I just do not want any damage done to them in that they feel they are not loved or daddy doesn't care. How will this affect their over all health and self esteem. My H refuses to believe that there will be any damage from us getting a divorce. I think otherwise. I think its sad that he doesn't even want to try to make the M work, he says he has tp do what makes him happy regardless of how it will affect the family. I just feel we took our marriage vows for better or for worse and now he's not living up to his half of the marriage.

Also they are asking why he does not come home to sleep at night here anymore. He sleeps at this womans vitamin shop that she owns. They sometimes ask if daddy is falling in love with her and they hope he's not kissing her. Its hard to know what to say and what not to say. I don't want to hurt them at all.

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S&T,
i am a dad who would do anything to share the experiences that you've described here, with both of my children. heck...the community had me down on their "stupid list" for years, LOL, you know?...the list of dads who will always coach whenever one is needed! LOL (hence my handle!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

but guess what? if my W ever had the temerity to suggest that "I AM SUPPOSE" to want to do these things...or it was my G-D given responsability to do these things, or that there was somthing wrong with me if i didn't want to do these things...well guess what? i would not have tolerated her demands nor would i have even allowed her to argue the point with me.

deciding what is right for another person and what that person should want to be or do is, in my opinion, beyond presumptuous! it's insulting and demeaning.

coach

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Sad and tired, you are right, children need all the support and encouragement that parents can and should give. It sounds like your husband has different priorities and does not value the enjoyment that seeing his children have fun brings. That is one conclusion that one can draw based on the information that you have given. He is only thinking of himself.
One question you need to ask, did the outings as a family became a task more than a joyful activity. Did you have arguments any time that you went on an outing? Were there situations when a planned trip started with an argument over trivial things? Was there stress associated with just getting things ready to go out to the games or anywhere else? Those things can quickly become old and frustrating. They take the joy of going out as a family and in the end, the children become deprived of those precious moments that are built on the enjoyment of all.


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