I have never written to a group like this. Two nights ago my husband told me that he had lied to me --he wasn't working late but was out with another woman. He said he was tired of my emotional coldness and now the ball was in my court. We have two small children, and I am at a loss as to what to do. We talked (and ranted and raved) and got to some point of reconciliation, but when I opened my email today (my husband and I share an account), he had left a letter to his friend open where he described that we were "ok" but that he still dreams of a future with this other woman. I am so numb and drained....any advice or just anything at all would be welcome.

Hi and Welcome to MB.

First I know the numbness. Now is the time to purchase the book surving an affair. by Dr. Harley.
I hate playing devils advocate but, if he is complaining that you are cold emotionally, then he is really craving some sort of attention. He is wrong to what he is doing. Totally wrong. People that have affairs are immature. Can't come to the spouse's and tell us what is going on. Some seek adventure, while some are seeking flase security. But he is wrong no matter what the case may be.
Having 2 small children in the house is hard. I have two myself. And our attention as mothers are more focused on them and we tend to put our H. emotional needs aside.
A lot of men need the same nurturing as are children do. We have a tough roll as Mom's because we have to share and give and give and give. Not saying that men don't give back. But we as women play a different roll. And we cannot neglact our husbands.
In the book, Dr. Harley talks about plan A. You have the classic case where I am 100% positive plan A. will work. You need to find a therapist for both of you. And you both need to start communicating what you need in your marriage. He has already stated that you need to give him more of yourself. Since I don't know the whole story, I can only give you advice from what you shared. Figure out why you are being so cold? But I highly recommend that book.
Going through this experience is going to be hard and you need more support.I think right now he is craving the attention and this other women is just a cushion. He has no idea what he is talking about with wanting to spend the rest of his life with this OW. He is living in fantasy land. No kids, bills, etc. He hasn't seen what's to come. My husband said the same thing and mourned her when she dumped him. Nice to feel like he was in college again.
What ever you do, don't self medicate, don't say things that will make you look bad. Sarcasm right now is the worst for your marriage.
Go right now and purchase that book! I can't tell you enough to purchase it. Start to plan A. which is in that book. Sit down with him and tell him what you need and listen to him on his needs. Emotional security is what binds a marriage together.
Ali

Thank you so very much for responding. Your advice was straight on ( do you know me? :-) ). It's a rather long story but the gist of it is that we have struggled with intimacy issues for a very long time. There was a previous affair prior to our getting married, and so there were some issues of trust (or lack of it) even before we started. Physically, I struggle with sexual intimacy as I have a condition called vaginismus (makes intercourse very painful). So you can imagine how this has played havoc with us (we have been married for 8 years, and been together for 17 years). And the kids, and the work....I did withdraw, because I simply didn't know how else to deal,and I know that this was VERY VERY wrong. I did try seeking medical help for the physical issue, but I really needed him to join with me, and his response has been that this was my issue to solve. (BTW, he is a physician! ). We're trying our best for our kids, and I know this is just the beginning of a roller coaster, but reading the information on this site and hearing your words makes me feel a bit less isolated, and again, I thank you. I suspect he and I have been indulging in "love Busters" far too long.....a question for you all out there, though. I have told him that reconciliation would be very difficult for me if he maintained contact with this other woman. He maintains that "nothing happened" and that he values the friendship and doesn't want to let it go. What do I do? I don't want to derail this process, but the idea of the "friendship" provokes such despair in me....again, there are those of you out there who probably feel I asked for this, and you may be right.

Please write more....

Click on the link in my signature line. If we can do it, you can too.

Hi!
Well, I think that this can be resolved. As far as the affair before the marriage, was that resolved and did he say why he did it? Did you trust him? That must be dealt with now. As a person on TV mentioned, the key to future behavior is past behavior. I strongly believe that is true.

As far as your intimancy issue. That can be fixed with out patient surgery. But before going to get that "fixed", I would highly recommend getting back your emotional intimacy back first.

Be extremely careful. Your husbands relationship is in high jeopardy of becoming a physical one. Make sure you keep her close and know where he is at all times. Start plan A'ing. Do it now! Emotional affairs are just as painful as PA. My H. had both in one women. I would tell him straight out that you are affraid. Be honest with your feelings. He needs to know this. Tell him you would like to get help and that the imtimacy issue is bringing you down and causing you to push him away. But tell him in from your heart that you don't mean to do it that you want the closness. If communication is missing on your end, he will go off with this other women. Just think how we are if "something" is missing from our marriage. Not saying we would go off and have an affair. But we would be lonely. And he might be feeling that way.
Ohhh, I hate to add this. But are you sure he didn't sleep with her? You need to get in his way off her. Get in between them. Stop by for lunch unexpectedly. And please poor your heart and apologize (gulp) to him. I bet he is feeling lonely and not sure where to go.
I hope I did not sound like this is your fault. But you did mention that you have been pusing him away. And I am so glad you came on here before something really ugly has happened.
Do you have the book "Surving an Afair"? Then you know about plan A'ing?
Unfortuately that wasn't my case. Plan A couldn't work on my end. Gee, I always planed A him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
My husbands own self esteem was the cause. He took a job out of state after many job loses and and his self esteem was lost completely. Know matter what I said to him, he never believed me. I have been with my husband for 16 years married 8 and dated 8 years before we got married. So sadley, hearing my words of encouragement just rolled off his back. I was unable to join him because of many reasons. We had to wait a least a year to make sure he was stable enough to move the family. Did that once before and lost lots of $$$. So we did not want to make the same mistake again. Our youngest son was going to have major surgery so I needed also to be home for his post-ops. He was running around getting his ego stroked by this thing that she calls herself human. She new he was married and seduced him anyway. Our oldest was dianosed with Autism as well. So while I am back on the home front, taking care of the kids, house, bills and all the other things that parents do, I was feeling pretty lonely myself. He was having a wonderful time and forgetting all about me. I was sending him cards, cookies. letting him know how much I loved him and missed him and telling him how brave he is. Nope didn't care.
So, that is why plan A didn't work for me. In reality, I should have been the one to have an affair. But loyal me believed in our marriage and sinced we have been through so much, I thought we could handle a little distance!
So I desperately urge you to plan A. Communicate with him. I bet once you show your concern and worries, he will come back. Just open up!
I have read many books and try to get enough information as possible so I can better understand to why it happened. To this day, a little over a year ago, I still don't know why he did it. Expect selfish reason's I guess! There is a new book out there written by Suzy Farbsman. I was on the Oprah show and we discussed her book. She will give you a side that is not from a Doctor's or therapist side of view but from a person's just like you and me point of view. I am going to Barnes and Noble to purchase it. I am very curious to what she has to say. I do believe she said that the reason why her husband had an affair was because she put her life (career) first!

Keep us posted. I really believe this will be a success story if you follow through.

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now hop to it!!!

Sorry for all my typo's. My kids are in here and it is hard for me to concentrate.

Start practicing. I really believe you can do it!

Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whoops!

Forgot! I agree 100%. He needs to stop the relationship with this other women. If you make it "cozy" for him to come home to each night, and give him his emotional needs, he will stop. Do what ever it takes. But becareful! Because you can over do it and you want it to be genuine. As soon as you get a peaceful moment in your house, tell him there is something you need to share with him. Then open up your feelings to him!

OK I think I wore you out!
Ali

Must warn you--VERY long post (sorry)
Your kind words of advice are all that is keeping me going at this point. Right now we are dealing with anger--mostly his at me. He keeps saying that I still don't really understand his pain and feelings of isolation, and that he isn't really ready to believe that I am willing to change. He also cannot let go of the OW (is that the right abbreviation? I am learning the lingo here) ...we go through periods where he seems genuinely interested in having us be closer followed by periods of fury (his) and anger and pushing me away. All I can do is try to put the advice you all have given me, and wait for him. I reiterated my concern that his continued contact with OW was not helpful here, and he just bristled and told me that I had no right to be angry about it since I am the one who pushed him into the situation. I am learning though; I didn't explode at him, but simply told him I heard what he said, but that I stood firm on this. I honestly don't know what he is going to do.

One of you asked if they had slept together; he tells me that they have not. (DO I believe him.....God help me, I don't know) To be honest, I'm not sure if that really matters--although from a health perspective it might.

I'm sorry--I'm rambling here. He says he needs his space, and I am trying hard to respect that; it's just so hard to maintain the "face" with our friends who don't know. He has repeatedly said that he is working with me for the sake of our kids, and I cling to that as the only thread of hope--actually, I take that back; he did also agree to go to marriage counseling, and I guess if this were truly far gone, he would not have agreed.

You know, I can deal with the anger and the rage; it's the OW that complicates my feelings of how I work through this with him. How do I maintain this plan when I know she's still in his heart--and he is so "ambivalent" (his exact words) about even wanting to work through? I have not yet bought the book you all recommend so well, but I have read everything I can at this site, and I'm trying to implement that.

Where did my emotional isolation come from? I think it started with the first affair (we weren't married at the time--I'm not sure it was an affair but it certainly felt like it). At the time, he told me the same thing--that I had driven him to do this (we were living in separate cities because we were in graduate school in different places) and that I didn't have any right to be upset. I think that I felt that ANY expression of my emotions was not valid and I felt very insecure with the one that was supposed to be my soulmate--the one I supposedly could tell anything to. I'm not justifying my behavior, but I'm searching for ways to understand what went so wrong. When the first child was born (She is 3.5 yrs, my son is 10 months old) I remember how overwhelmed I was--and he wasn't there. He left the room at night since his job required that he have uninterrupted sleep, and I learned--alone--how to care for my baby. When I bring this up, he bristles and says he was supporting me in other ways--and he does do a lot of housework--and yet what I really needed was for him to help me learn how to be a mom. I did tell him that, but I guess I never communicated it properly, and that hurt is still very real.

So we are both hurting....I can only hope that it leads to some better understanding for both of us, whether we stay together or not. Thanks for listening.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Luckily you found this site early, that is very good.

You will be completely shocked and miserable for now, but things can be better. I spent the first couple weeks not believing it could happen in our marriage.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it here under the thread "General Welcome for All New Builders".

First of all, Happy Mother's Day! I know that Ali has mentioned she has two kids; I hope you are having a wonderful day with them. I am working diligently on "plan A", although I must admit I woke up this morning so angry, that the LAST thing I wanted to do was to be civil to him. So, I came to this web site, and read (lurked) around, and came across this idea in someone's signature line (my apologies, I don't know the person's ID!)--the idea was that you came to this site not to change your spouse, but YOURSELF. Helped me get my equilibrium back, and made it easier to put the plan back into practice.

One day (hour?) at a time....enjoy the day with your children, and know that the care you have shown to this complete stranger means the world.

That is from starfish. And it is true! I came here to have my WH change, but I was the one who changed. Wow, I was surprised. It just happened little by little.

At first you will not believe it can happen, but it does. Your days will be good again.

Thank you and you too!

First no way is this your fault! You did not drive him there. He made a choice. Life is full of choices. And unfortunately he made the wrong choice. He could have came to you many times and said that he feels isolated. But he didn't. Somewhere along the way, communication was lost.
He knew what he was doing. A lot of the time the WS will blame the BS' for their own actions. It eases their guilt.
Ohhhh, do I know anger. As a matter of fact, The Oprah show opens up with my video with me saying how angry I am. Yes, I opened the show! Just great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
I had some horrible triggers yesterday and I still have so many questions. And I am still so anger to what he did to me. I am not sure how to get past the anger part. I am dealing with it day to day. Some days are fine and other days, I want to send him to the moon and never see him again except with a telescope to see he is living an isolated life like me! Cold and lonely!

Plan A. is about changing ourselves and the behavior that caused us to be in this postition. Again, I could not plan A. because my situation was different. But it so true. It can make you stronger!!!! Keep on doing it. Stay strong for your kids. By the way, I am a strong believer in this. Kids feel the stress that we go through. By staying in a marriage for the sake of our kids will give them a false sense of security. They will feel the tension and we will role model what they think a relationship will be like. Not saying for you to get a divorce but becareful on that choice. I know your H. said that.
Again you need to tell your friends that there is a possible relationship going on with your H. and OW. You need to get this out. Don't keep it a secret. If he is aware that everyone is awre of their "frindhip" and your are doing everything right to make it work and regain his EN's then he might not think that she is worth it! His world has been exposed!

OK, time to work on the garden

Today is your day and please enjoy it.
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yesterday was actually pretty good, given the circmstances of course. He is still very angry with me, and his concern is for the OW's feelings as opposed to mine (that was very hard for me to even write, by the way!), BUT he told me that there would be no more secrets and that he was going to commit to us. I take this as a very good sign, because in the last few days, he has been saying that he would commit "for the sake of the kids" and now that's changed.
This plan A stuff WORKS. It works because it's opening my eyes and ears in a way that I'm not sure has ever happened before. To be honest, the plan A is also on of the most frustrating things I have ever done, because there are times where I feel like a doormat. There is a nasty part of me that keeps saying " are you just setting yourself up again?". I'm trying to ignore that feeling, because I've listened to that nasty voice and responded in kind, and look where that has brought me. (actually, in a weird way, that has brought me HERE, which is good, but...you know what I mean!)

Tomorrow is our anniversary (I know, can you believe this?). And, we have a lunch date. It's been a long time since we have had a date...I'll let you know what happens.

Have a wonderful day, and thanks for listening.

Well, I was fooling myself. Yesterday, he came back so cold and distant, and I tried to give him room. As we were going to bed, he starts crying over OW. How he has lost any chance for real love, and that everything that we had was meaningless. Today is our anniversary. Woohoo. I tried my best to stay on the plan; I listened and tried to empathize. But it was too much for me, and we slipped right back into old bitter patterns and accusations. I slept out on the couch last night, just wondering what I was doing. I know it's too soon, and I am asking too much, but there is a pattern here that is really bothering me. This is not the first time he has strayed, and the thread through it all is "it's someone else's responsibility/fault". And he is bitter and resentful that he can't stay with OW --someone he says he "clicks" with in a way that he has NEVER clicked with me. Doesn't leave me much to hang on, does it.

I told him I was serious about changing, and his response was that he couldn't believe it. And then went back to his list of hurts and angers from the last how ever many years. You know, I can see how he hurts, and my sudden apparent change of heart (it's real for me, but it doesn't seem that way for him) is probably baffling. Especially since it is clear from what he says that he probably never loved me.

This morning I went in to apologize--I have no choice but to try and reimplement plan A--not for him but for me and for our kids. I have to try and start seeing things from his vantage point, but I'm also realizing I may have to grow and learn all by myself.

Sometimes, though, I wish I were dead. RIght now, all I have is the love of my two beautiful kids; otherwise, I probably would be.

Please pray for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I should add that he has lied to me again; he is still in contact with her, and he told me that he never said he would not keep secrets from me.

Please all of you out there--how do you keep implementing plan A when everything conspires against it? I know that there are tales on this site that are much much worse than what I'm going through...what keeps all of you going? How do you NOT respond to the LB of the other party?

Hi cciyer

Welcome to MB! This might be a good place to be right now for you. If you can buy the Harley books and read them you will understand a lot.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please all of you out there--how do you keep implementing plan A when everything conspires against it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A in my view, if not about him, it's about you making the best of you, changing yourself, and in the meantime thinking over your emotions and not LBing the other party. Once you fully get it, you will do it without a doubt or many flaws.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that there are tales on this site that are much much worse than what I'm going through...what keeps all of you going? How do you NOT respond to the LB of the other party? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't matter if tales are worse than yours, you are here for the same reasons 99% of us are here. Infidelity.

I don't know about the rest, but what kept me here, was seeing a light in a dark tunel. I thought all was lost, and MB gave me the light and the hope I so much craved for. I didn't knew better at the time, and made many many mistakes all over. But day by day (baby steps) I changed myself. It took a while, and I'm not even nearly done, but I still have hope I can do better, and have this M we always thrived for.

Hang with us, this will get better. I know you don't believe it now, but it will. I didn't myself and it took me a whole year to realize what I think is true and was told many times, and couldn't believe at the time.

You are doing the same circle all over again. Your H is pushing you, and since you woke up, but haven't got the time to change by conviction but by emergency, you are back to old bad habits, wich mean reacting to his fog talk.

MB is a fast solution on what you have to do, it gives you the tools, but implementing them will take you a lifetime. Deep change takes time, but if you really want to save your M, take your time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Take good care, and let us know what is happening, people here is very wise, and have lived wat you did. Our script is not much different, and if you follow a plan, things will get better.

Thanks for the kind words.....this morning I did give him a card for our anniversary--and it made him cry. The card was real, not full of some false sentiment that I'm not sure either of us feel right now. And maybe he was responding to that realism from me, which is something admittedly I haven't been doing in a while.
He wants us to go to MC, and I reluctantly agreed. I guess I'm reluctant because I sort of feel lilke I'm going to be in front of a firing squad ( the counselor is a professional collegue of my physician husband). But I can handle a firing squad if it means that I (hopefully WE) grow in the process.
If I can keep myself focused on US, and not dissolve in jealous fears about the OW, then I might be ok.

Good Morning cciyer,

Sorry you needed to find this place, but very happy you are here. I'm going to respond to a few of your comments and try my best to help you work find some direction.

First, let's talk about Plan A. Contrary to popular opinion, Plan A is not about you. It's all about ending the affair and showing your husband that the marriage is an attractive alternative. Until his affair is over, do not expect much progress in his thinking because he is in a "cloud" of confusion that we call "the fog". In the fog, he will rewrite the entire history of your marriage. He will say hurtful things....like he "never" loved you....or the one you mentioned...that you never "clicked". Please ignore this fog induced babble and concentrate your efforts on Plan A. Here is a Plan A guide that I like to give people....especially those who feel like a doormat. It's from cerri (Penny Tupy) who has her own site and is MB trained.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The biggest and most important hurdle you have right now is eliminating love busters. If you can't control those...you will not make your marriage attractive. That doesn't mean you don't express your feelings....but you must do it respectfully (confrontation). Just because he doesn't like them....doesn't make them love busters.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he isn't really ready to believe that I am willing to change </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he doesnt' believe that you are willing to change. You two took a long time to become incompatible, and it will take time and consistency to show him believable results.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I reiterated my concern that his continued contact with OW was not helpful here, and he just bristled and told me that I had no right to be angry about it since I am the one who pushed him into the situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay....he may "bristle" often....but respectfully offer this explanation. "H, I know that I have a huge responsibility for pushing you away from our marriage. I am sorry for that, and I want to change that...and will. But you are 100 percent responsible for the choice to have an affair. There are many ethical and moral ways you could have addressed the problems in our marriage and honestly approached your isolation. Instead, you chose to go outside of our marriage vows. Until your affair ends, there is very little hope for the recovery of our marriage...even if I try my hardest to show you how much I love you."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has repeatedly said that he is working with me for the sake of our kids, and I cling to that as the only thread of hope--actually, I take that back; he did also agree to go to marriage counseling, and I guess if this were truly far gone, he would not have agreed.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first part of this is fogbabble...but I'm encouraged that he is willing to go to counseling. Please be very careful about how you choose a counselor...I'm going to find some guidelines for you to help you choose. But I do recommend phone counseling with either the Harleys or Penny...they are both great resources.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I struggle with sexual intimacy as I have a condition called vaginismus </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please do seek help for this condition...I do understand there is some. But even if intercourse is painful...there are many many ways to be affectionate to your spouse and satisfy your spouse aside from intercourse. Those are things you can do....and should if you expect your husband to be sexually faithful. That is something that I can tell you feel badly about...that you allowed this condition to undermine ALL the intimacy in your marriage. This is a change that you can and should make....for you as well as him. He may not be very receptive to intimacy right now...but what he will allow, like casual intimacy....please try.

Continue to state the importance of ending contact with his A partner. Since EA are just as damaging as PAs...doesn't mean you shouldn't investigate a little. Is this woman married? If she is....I urge you to contact her husband. I also urge you to take a trip to your doctor...for two things...possible anti-depressants and STD tests, as well as an update on your condition.

Also, again....as the others have done....I recommend "Surviving an Affair" which goes into far more detail about why these strategies work. Expect some anger from your husband when you expose this affair....but please don't lose your courage if he refuses to end this affair.

Best of luck to you....and welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Starfish...you know, I came across the quote in your signature one of the first times I was here, and I still think about it when times look bad...like right now.

You make some very good points; definitely need to take some time and really process what you have told me. I'm working on communication, confrontation without hostility or downright rudeness (which I failed miserably in last night...sigh...).

One of the big problems in this relationship is my tendency to simply shut down and block out whenever there is conflict. My first instinct is to run away--and I have done this in almost all of my relationships with other people. In my twisted way of thinking, it was almost better not to have contact than to have the type of contact that hurt so much. How wrong I was!! So I have been running away from husband for so long...what else could I expect him to do? No, I'm not excusing the affair, but even I understand the depths of his pain and loneliness to even contemplate this as a solution. And I have run away from friendships as well, and chosen the wrong type of friendships where little investment was needed (or sought). Oh boy.

About the only thing I did handle (?) last night was talking about the OW. I told him that I understood he was conflicted, but that it was going to be very difficult to communicate and work on us if he still maintained contact. That's when he "bristled" and told me that he was still in contact(email and phone, at least that is what he says) and would continue to do so. From what I hear from you all, I have to be consistent on this issue--to him, it feels like an ultimatum (which I guess it is) and he doesn't feel that I have the right to demand that.

This is not the role model I want to be for my children. This is not the type of partner I want to be for my husband. I have so many doubts right now.

Sorry--having some trouble finding the words right now. I'll post later when they come back to me. Thank you so much.

Star*fish has a lot of good points! Especially plan A. thing!

I am so glad to read that you are opening up to your husband with a geniune anniversary card! YEAHHHH! I know there is hope for you two!

Going to sound corney but how did you feel? Do you like opening up to your husband now? I know that is might feel a little strange. When I feel that I can be strong, I go back to the days when my husband I am just met. The feelings are overwhelming. Majority of the time when we hold each other and I become a pocupine, I close my eyes and just remember what it was that that made me fall in love with him. And I try desperately to hang on to that feeling.

OK nuff of my psycho babble!

I am proud of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali