Ok, went from noncomittal to....somewhat testy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He's off to dinner with her ( a dinner with a friend, as he calls it. Whatever.) He is telling me on one hand that he needs time to "wrap this up" (I have NO idea what that means) and on the other hand that this friendship may be a "thorn in my side" for the rest of my life. He again asked me why I was acting now, why did it take this....and finally, I had an answer--an answer I knew was lurking inside but I didn't have the words until now. I have run away from committment in almost every relationship I have had--I have been very badly burned by people (WH being one of them)--and I shut down. I could do the same thing now---but I CANNOT. I have to face this--and yes, it is awful that it took this to get me out of my own fog, but I cannot give up now--I at least have to look back and say that I sincerely tried to change myself and the relationship.

What WH wants to say is because of this history, I have no right to have an emotional response to what's going on now. My view is that it is GOOD I have an emotional response....and I am not expressing it in a disrespectful way, but I don't think that what I have done means that I have no right to feelings and emotions...particularly if I want to change. WH also thinks that I have no right to have choices regarding the marriage ( ie if I want to leave)--he said that he would be very angry if " you leave after changing into the person I always wanted you to be". What to make of that statement?

I'm so confused....part of me, honestly, is really ready to throw up my hands and just leave. That's the old part of me...the part that needs to change. I just don't know if I can live with this shadow over my head for the rest of my life (shadow being the friendship of the OW).

Any and all thoughts welcome (star*fish, if you 're out there, feel free to let me have it!)

Dear, dear CC,

I've read your story and my heart aches for you, honey. I was lucky in that my H immediately ended the affair so I don't feel I can give you any useful Plan A advice but...when he says this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a dinner with a friend, as he calls it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why don't you tell him to give you a second to change and you'll join him/them? What "friend" would object to that?!

My thoughts and prayers are with you, honey. You can get through this. Remember--it is very TEMPORARY.

Natalie

Natalie--Your post did something I wasn't sure I could ever do again...LAUGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The next time he goes out with OW....I may not say it, but I sure will be thinking of your post.

Thanks so much...I'm using this place as a personal diary/log, and you all have kind enough to respond...and take time out of your hectic days. Thanks for such kindness.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (((((cc))))))

Natalie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You've had an amazing epiphany! You may not have known how to have a healthy relationship before, but you are learning now. And if WS can get his act together, you will have that new relationship with him. However, this is still important for you, because if by some chance, you do seek out another R, you need to work on how you relate to others.

All the work you are doing will transform and heal you in lots of ways.

And don't let WS try to knock you off that path. My FWS knows that I need to learn to express myself better, but he doesn't necessarily like all of the feelings that come out. Tough. This is not about only hearing the good stuff. In order to have a good M, we have to know *everything* that is going on with the other person.

Interesting that he doesn't want you to leave. He means that he's afraid of committing, because he doesn't want to be left in the dust if you decide you cannot forgive him. My FWS kept insisting that I would not be able to stay with him because of the A. Just be cool and consistent. Reassure him. Be gentle and soothing.

You will NOT live with the shadow of the OW. You will NOT tolerate WS' friendship with her. We are talking about Plan A here. It is for ending the A. It is for achieving NC. If that doesn't work, there is Plan B, but you are doing so well in Plan A. Really, you are!

So, have you found an IC, yet? Did you do anything for yourself this past weekend?

FWS is similar in that I do believe he can love two people at the same time, but I was not going to live with that. Do exactly what starfish suggests. Make this about you. IF he wants an M with you, this is not negotiable.

You are very smart to consider the A is be ongoing. As long as there is contact, it is an A.

I have a similar dynamic in my M. I'm the first person that FWS was with that had her own home, car, and career. I didn't need him for those things. He might need to be a knight-in-shining-armor, but there is a *reason* he chose me to marry.

And there is a reason, your WS chose you.

But we do need to work on that 'needing' part. We may not need our H for typical things, but they do need to feel that they are important in our lives.

You are doing wonderfully!

I hopeyou are right....WH is home, ignoring me, and I feel completely worthless and hopeless. I tried to reach out, and he just snarls at me. I try to give him space, and he asks me why I'm avoiding him. I don;t think anything has changed....I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from...actually, he's probably still upset over my outburst on Sunday (read the other thread for the sordid details....). I appreciate your confidence, but right now I don't feel I'm doing ANYTHING right.

But no LB's today.....

No change....says he needs space and time to heal (that's fine) and that he can't talk to me so he will talk to her (not fine). But he also says he is not going to be the one who leaves the marriage....and that if I really loved him, I wouldn't be making ultimatims. He also said that maybe I would be doing him a favor if I left--that he can't leave because (and I'm quoting him) : " I can handle being miserable better than you can." To him, my line about no third parties involved is an ultimatim.

I'm stumbling here....got upset AGAIN this morning, had WH scream at me from his cell phone....I am getting very numb. I can't do anything right. And it is SO hard for me to fake it in front of people who don't know...and it is SO easy for him to do just that.

No, I'm not giving up.....although I'm so beaten down now that I can't really function at home very well. I will give him space and time.....I just don't know how much more I can TAKE of this.

I'm whining....sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I read my posts and I sound so pathetic....I used to be a pretty strong person. I guess this is really the test of that, right?

Ack! I can't believe I missed your other thread. Honey, that's why Plan A is so difficult. These things will happen, but I assure you, it is all part of the journey.

Although, you need to stop all LBs, I'm an example of someone who had to struggle with LBs all through Plan A. Your plan did not fail, because you trying again.

I just wanted to let you know that I noticed I LB'd when I wasn't on MB (i.e. weekends). Try to visit at least once a day. Even if I didn't post, I would get inspiration from other threads. I think it keeps BS' on an even keel.

Again, I ask you to sign up for Retrouvaille. You guys are not emotionally connected and that's what you need. The weekend gives you a jump start. It doesn't end the A, but it reminds both of you of what you had together.

I will try to introduce a ray of hope. I went through a torturous Plan A as well. Back and forth and pretty much sure that FWS would choose OW. But you know what? I believe the 4 1/2 months of Plan A meant that withdrawal was very minimal. You will have to go through this pain in one form or another. It just happens that yours is before the A has ended.

He is angry because he knows he is wrong and he doesn't want to leave you. What is your financial situation? Why hasn't he left, yet? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

Don't worry. He says he can't talk to you, but he is saying something. He wants to connect. He is desperate to connect with you.

I'm very surprised that he actually said he is not leaving the M. My FWS really didn't want to leave our home, either. I assumed it was the comfortable lifestyle we have, but maybe they don't want to make the decision. They don't want to take the responsibility of ending their M?

Whatever the reason, you can use this to your advantage. He is still at home, so Plan A can work. Many WS' leave on d-day. You have a chance.

Don't worry that he thinks your requirements for an M is an ultimatum. He is not thinking clearly. Just calmly state that you will not tolerate him having a girlfriend. End of discussion.

It is time to regroup. Time to look to yourself. Take care of yourself. It's not going to be easy to fight this battle, but it can be done. And you may not know it, but you are very strong indeed. You are still standing and you are still trying. I assure you not many people can do this. ((hugs))

What do I need to do to convince you to move to Texas, lbc? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (that's where I live)...

Thanks for the words of encouragement...it's a very strange situation that we're in. WH says he has made a choice for the marriage and that he is not leaving. On the other hand, he says he needs this "friendship" with OW to get him through this time of "healing". If this were really the case, he wouldn't have to lie to me about his meetings with her...and if it were truly just a "friendship" he would not have to go to her house. So in my book, the A is ongoing, whether or not he has made a decision.

I've decided I have to take care of myself now....all my anger is doing is hurting ME. I can't eat, I can't sleep--all that has to stop. The saddest part is that while he may be healing, I am drifting away.....it's hard for me to invest in this so-called marriage, but no, I'm not leaving yet. In taking care of myself, maybe I can learn to heal and forgive as well. We'll see.

Trying to control LB's, trying to find peace.....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CC - from your other thread:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's interesting...I did ask him what he would do if the tables were reversed.....and he said he would be happy for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From your present thread:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On May 8 you wrote: but when I opened my email today (my husband and I share an account), he had left a letter to his friend open where he described that we were "ok" but that he still dreams of a future with this other woman. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From today's post:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No change....says he needs space and time to heal (that's fine) and that he can't talk to me so he will talk to her (not fine). But he also says he is not going to be the one who leaves the marriage....and that if I really loved him, I wouldn't be making ultimatims. He also said that maybe I would be doing him a favor if I left--that he can't leave because (and I'm quoting him) : " I can handle being miserable better than you can." To him, my line about no third parties involved is an ultimatim. (In a sense it is, but what it really is IS asking him to be faithful to his own covenant of exclusivity when he made the decision to get married and "take himself off the market." It is 'until death do us part', not 'until I no longer think I feel in love.' Feelings are a part of marriage, but they don't define a covenant. ) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CC - What I am going to say may sound a bit contradictory, but bear with me for a little bit.

There are several dynamics going on here and your "situation" is not "cut and dried." You admittedly set the stage with emotional coldness, etc. that left your husband "unfulfilled" as a man and as a husband. Someone else has entered the picture to fill that void and you are reacting out of panic and fear (in short, you got hit with the big "2x4" yourself) and woke up to what you were doing in your marriage.

You have compounded things with the LB's, but they are understandable due the intensity of the emotional trauma. It DOES take a huge amount of effort and self-control to "Plan A" and eliminate Love Busters, but you MUST do that because you have CHOSEN to attempt to save your marriage. Fair or unfair, it is a burden that those of us who want to recover our marriages, instead of running directly to divorce court, make. It is NOT optional and the emotions are not an excuse for "bad behavior." "Bad behavior" is was led, at least in part, to where you find yourself today, so it should be obvious that the "old way" of doing things didn't work and must be changed if you want a different outcome.

Your husband does not believe at this point that you CAN change. The truth and reality of that change must begin with you, and you alone. Then, add time and consistant behavior over time, and you will begin to establish the truth of the change. Remember, what he sees and remembers is the "old you." If you want to hang onto the "old you" you can, but it will very likely end your marriage.

Next, your husband is deep in classical fogland. He knows you and he knows what buttons to push. Hence his comment about "being happy for you." It also serves the dual purpose of justifying, in his mind, his behavior that he also knows is wrong. It's twisting the idea of "if you love me you should be happy for whatever makes me happy."

That's nonsense, but it's how fogland twists truths to justify illicit behavior.

You are not yet ready, IMHO, for a Plan B approach. You need to implement, and hold to, a strong Plan A for 3 to 6 months at a minimum. I know hard it seems to do that and that those months seem like they "might as well be forever." It does seem almost an impossibility when you can't look back with 20-20 hindsight and see how things have improved...you are at the beginning right now.

You are looking for progress, not a finished recovery. You already have some progress in his statement about not leaving the marriage. But, foggy as it is, he still hasn't made the connection about marriage being an exclusive arrangement BECAUSE he doesn't have to make that choice right now. He is able to "cakewalk" and attempt to make it seem like you are the "bad guy" if the marriage fails.

Hence, there WILL likely come a time (and only you will know when that time has been reached) when you will have to issue an ultimatum.

Ultimatums are very risky and YOU need to be ready for the consquence that he might choose other than what you want.

The ultimatum is simple, a marriage is between ONE husband and ONE wife, period. Though you love him, you will not "share" him with another woman and the outcome will be HIS decision, not yours. He has already chosen another woman (i.e., his "dreams" he mentioned in the email) and he is living on borrowed time. That time is how much longer he can "borrow" your patience and how long your Love Bank will withstand his disrespectful judgments and emotional blackmail before it reaches "bankrupt."

The time to implement Plan B is BEFORE your Love Bank hits zero.

Yes it hurts. It hurt immensely the day that I told my wife to pack her bags and move out immediately. It's not what I wanted, but I had tried it pretty much the same way you are trying right now. Contact continued and there was NO progress. Whenever there seemed to be a little progress, the next contact wiped it out. It went on for 2.5 months like that and I was an emotional basketcase for most of it. You can read my whole story if you are ever interested, just say the word and I'll give you the links to them.

In fact, you CANNOT make any deposits in his Love Bank until AFTER No Contact has been established and he has gone through withdrawal. Oh sure, you can make some progress, but that progress is really in the changes you make in YOURSELF. His "valuing" those changes will have to wait though, until after withdrawal ends.

Yes, demanding and expecting NO Contact is your RIGHT as his wife and as the Betrayed Spouse. But you can make such demands in non-confrontational ways. A simple, "It's your choice, but I will not share my husband with another woman. If you choose to remain in contact with her, then do so in another place because you will have chosen to divorce me and I love you enough to "let you go" if that is what you want. Stay, and you choose fidelity to the marriage and to me. It may be tough for a while, but I will be there to share the pain and struggle with you. I am committed to the marriage and to you, committed to making changes in myself that will help both of us, but it does take two people, both committing, to make a marriage. So I have chosen the marriage, now you must choose and I will live with your choice."

When you feel ready to "go to that step" be certain in your mind that you will be able (even if it hurts a lot) to live with a choice on his part to leave the marriage. That, too, is something that you need to work on so that should it be necessary, you CAN move on with your life and your children.

God bless.

Wow....definitely a lot to think about, and I thank you for spending so much time to talk and think about my situation. I'm trying with all my might to rein myself in and go to plan A for the next few months....what my WH is looking for is affirmation that it is "ok" to maintain contact, and if I read you correctly, it is perfectly within plan A to hold to my position--respectfully and with love.

I read the posts you all have written and you bring some clarity of purpose to my mind...clarity that unfortunately disappers sometimes when I listen to WH.

Honestly, I'm terrified of plan B...and I don't really think it is appropriate at this point (I'm in agreement with you , FH). I'm just trying to find the courage to really stick with plan A...and steel myself for plan B if and when I need it.

On a lighter note...I'm embarrased to admit, even with the name, that I thought FH was FEMALE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Talk about preconceived notions.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks so very much...and yes, I would like to read your story, if you have the time to send the posts....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On a lighter note...I'm embarrased to admit, even with the name, that I thought FH was FEMALE! Talk about preconceived notions....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sheesh!!! Does that mean that I HAVE gotten "in touch" with my "feminine side"?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks so very much...and yes, I would like to read your story, if you have the time to send the posts.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No problem. Here are the links to my first two posts (2 years ago). They are fairly long, but you might be able to glean a few helpful things for yourself from them.

First timer - help needed

Miracles happen when you are obedient to God

God bless.

FH, You just seem to be really in touch with yourself, feminine side or whatever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I read your old posts....and I'm floored. There are patterns there I am seeing, although what I am going through is nothing like your story, and the strength that both you and your wife have...it's inspirational.

It's interesting--after all the storms and drama, after all of these recent posts, I am starting to feel....free. And slowly, I'm learning how to forgive. I don't know where I stand in terms of faith ( I was raised in a different religious system, although I don't really practice that system either), but the themes of compassion and forgiveness really resonate with me.

Yesterday could have been a really bad day...but it wasn't. I really was horrid yesterday morning, and then I called him to apologize (he was mad at me, and pretty much hung up on me). Later that day, I had to call him about something else, and he was not having a good day. He said : You know, I really need a hug right now. And I said: Well, can I send you one over the phone now, because I am. He was absolutely speechless. He was still hostile last night, but I gave him the space he needed, and slept for the first time in about 3 weeks. This morning, he just leaned over and put his head on my shoulder, and I kissed him on the head. He still left without saying goodbye, but it's ok--at least for the time being, I'm not angry, I'm focused on what I need to do, and I will continue to draw strength from people like you. Hopefully, I can also start giving back to people like you as well...

Savor the small victories.

Interesting that yesterday I went and looked at my old threads, as well. I'll post one that might help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=002122

An important skill to learn is to emotionally detach and I wonder if that is what you are doing. I am not very religious, either, but I began to see that this process requires some kind of faith. Faith in yourself, faith in your spouse, and faith in your marriage.

Good for you! You are reaching out to WS when it would be much easier to shut him out. (And would be more logical as well.) But that is what marriage requires. Sometimes one of us has to step up to the plate and bring the M back to center.

What did you do for yourself today?

And I would consider moving to Texas if FWS didn't have his heart set on Hawaii. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hmm...Texas or Hawaii? Texas or Hawaii? I see your FWS's point.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

lbc, I read your post---WOW, we sound like twins!!! The same issues--being the "tough" one, finding it easier to emotionally isolate/detach, career orientation (I'm trained as a scientist) --even the issues of ethnicity (I'm Indian, not Hispanic, but there are some similarities in the family situations).....as I said before, I'm not a particularly religious person, but coincidences like this do make me wonder...and be grateful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I called him over lunch...and told him that I really appreciated him reaching out this morning. He said "What are you talking about?" and I told him ....and said it meant a lot to me. I think he was completely taken aback...and then made a point that he would be coming home tonight.

I think I am emotionally detaching--not from the situation (as I USED to do) but from the anger, and for the first time, really looking at where HE is right now. He is miserable...you would think that having both of us in place would make him happy...but he is not. As sad as it is, I might have to face the very real situation that he "chooses" OW....to make him truly happy. We'll just have to see.

Well, had a grueling conversation last night..he finally admitted that the A was NOT over ( I knew that; I'm glad he does too). He is still in the fog--twisting my words, giving me "tests" to see if I "really" love him....but this time, I'm not in the fog. I told him that because I loved him, I had to be honest with him, because if we were going to rebuild, it had to be based on the truth--and that for me is that no third party can be involved. He flipped out, said I had no right to say that ( I held my tongue)....said that he could not trust me, and why did it take this to wake me up ( I agreed with him on this, and that I would have to earn his trust back. No argument from me!). He said I was threatening him, that I would take his kids away......he even went on an attack of my friends--said that they were clueless and that they wouldn't support me if "they knew the real story". Ok.

You know, I'm not angry.....He is so lost. If what it takes is for me to carry this marriage right now, so be it. He said that he would "probably" choose "the kids" (our marriage) over OW, and that he knew this situation could not last forever. He basically admitted that he was waiting for one of us (me or OW) to make the decision. I told him regardless of WHO makes the decision, at this point there would be pain and loss involved.....and that as much as I love him and am willing to work on us, that the situation is not static. I'm changing too....and he admitted that this scared him, that maybe if HE committed, I would be the one to leave. I told him if he could commit, I would be in the trenches....and that I'm not planning on going anywhere....at least right now ( I didn't tell him the last part...but I did tell him that I wasn't going to stay in neutral this whole time....I think he knows that).

I don't know what he will do.....I think I "failed" his test, but I have spent a lifetime answering to what I think other people wanted instead of really looking at myself and being honest. And if that's not the person he wants to be with....so be it. But he has to take some responsibility here...I'm still in plan A, and I will be here for as long as it takes....until a decision has to be made, when the support that I give him turns into an enabling pattern for him to avoid responsibility for his life and happiness. I'm ready.

Wow! You're gonna make me cry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You get it! I can feel your strong, quiet resolve in your words. We can't control the other person. Before the A, during the A, and after the A. Even during recovery, you will have to find that quiet space where you know *you* will be okay no matter what happens.

He is scared big time! He has no idea what is going on. But he sees you strong, calm, unwavering. He is desperate to be like that. Give him the reason to stay. Make the M the obvious choice. What is something nice you could do for him today?

Now, it's time to shift the focus to you. Have you been kind to yourself lately? Is there something you used to enjoy that you haven't done in awhile? Do it this weekend!

How are the kids doing? I don't think I know their ages. How are they reacting? How are you holding up?

Hey...good to hear from you! I sent him an email today, telling him how much I appreciated our conversations, and that, even if it's painful, I need to hear more of what he has to say...and he responded in kind. We'll see....

I'm doing....ok. I think " I get it" although its hard; I feel terribly lonely (oh dear, the whining has started! Batten down the hatches!) but I reread the posts here and try to focus on positive thoughts.

It's funny you ask what I am doing for myself.....once upon a time (before WH) I used to play music....classical music. I seriously considered majoring in music, but was discouraged by my family (sigh). It was something that used to bring my such joy and peace--interestingly, WH always used to pooh-pooh my feelings about music, and he never shared my interest in it (although apparently OW also likes classical music, and now he's developed a taste. Good for him--he will see what he has been missing musically. :-)) So, I have started playing again (I play classical guitar, viola, and piano. Not all at the same time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Slowly, I will find what I have lost. I was sharing with a good friend of mine the lyrics to a Sarah McLaughlan song --I can't remember the title, but there is a phrase that really resonates with me:
" you have hurt me more than I ever could have imagined/you made my world stand still/but in that stillness, there was a freedom/I never felt before...."

I'm sure I'll be back here, either raging, whining, or sulking (probably all at the same time!) But I think the core is there.....

Take care, lbc, and have a wonderful weekend!

ps--my kids: I have a girl who is 3.5 years old, and a boy who is 11 months old. They are the joy of my life.

Just some more ramblings...the weekend, strangely enough, wasn't so bad. WH keeps saying he is not leaving, that he had to deal with this "dilemma" and that he has "to nudge this towards a friendship...." although the last statement was followed by his acknowledgement that OW may not agree to this...and neither would I. I didn't say much during this...just listened. There were some signs of a thaw towards me, which of course was quickly followed by the (now) usual coldness and isolation from me. He's not sure if this "new" me is real...can't say I blame him for protecting himself.

It's just so awkward in the house; we have somewhat of a forced interaction--neither one of us wanting to disrupt the seemingly peaceful state we're now in. It's exhausting, because I find myself constantly second guessing every move I make, or every move HE makes...and it's terribly lonely.

I know this will take time...and I need to start taking better care of myself physically so that I have the strength to do this. I have trouble eating and sleeping, and with two small kids, I find that I am wiped out all the time.

More later...

I'm so happy you are getting back to your music! What a wonderful gift for your children. Do you think you can take time off of work? Looking back, I probably should have taken 3 months off, but I was not looking forward to sitting around at home while FWS was with OW.

Have you found an IC, yet? This is really a tough path and you need all the support you can find. Do you have a friend you can confide in who won't think you are nuts for trying to save your M?

Again, I want to say that you are doing wonderfully. You can't see Plan A 'working', but it is doing its job. You may not see the results for a couple of months, but trust that your efforts will pay off.

But start concentrating on you. What do you want your life to be like? What do you want to be like?

Ugh on WS trying to get the A back to a friendship. Do you have a deadline for Plan A? Plan B may be the only thing that will convince him to go NC.

Try to work on not second-guessing. If you are to recover your M, you cannot second-guess. You will need to tell WS exactly where you are mentally and emotionally. Start being who you are. You are a good and beautiful person -- find her again -- show her off! You don't need to second-guess anything. If WS can't see what he has right in front of him, it is his loss.

Do you have anyone to watch the kids for an hour or two? You need to get a massage or at least a coffee. In the middle of the A, I had FWS watch our daughter while I went out on the town with the girls. The funny thing is that OW was going out that night, too. I guess we were both getting tired of waiting around for FWS.

So what is the plan for this week? Hang in there, sweetie!