This is my first time. So here it goes, I hope to receive advice regarding my situation. I discoved this site last night, and have been reading it nonstop. I am a 36, I have cheated on my H and got caught 9-22-04. The OM and I were in the process of breaking off our unhealthy relationship, we had no intentions of creating a future together and realized if we continued with our addictive realtionship we were going to hurt the people we loved most in both of our lives. So yes I did and still do love my husband very much. I was extremely confused as to how I could have deep feelingsfor two men at the same time. After reading this site and the 4 parts of Affairs, I understand this situation better. I relaize now that I wasn't doing my husband a favor by ignoring his suspicions. He noticed my attraction to the OM 2 years ago. I always felt I was strong and no way would I ever get invloved in an A. Well that is what happened. I started talaking to the OM on 1-1-04 about my feelings, and our emotional attachment grew. We started having sex 4 months ago and have been together 4 times. After each time, we said this has got to stop. He was leaving town for the winter and we decided to get together to finalize our situation and see each other one last time...we got caught. My husband asked me where I was. I lied. He knew, and I realized I had to tell him. It was extremely painful and agonizing.

We are now in the process of deciding what to do. I do not want a divorce, my H is going through hell right now, and I have created it. I have messed up and plan on doing whatever it takes to rebuild a relationship with the man I love the most and prove to him that he deserves a better life with me. We plan on attending
counsiling alone and together. My H is so confused right now and is experiencing a wave of emotions. He still loves me, but he knows he did'nt deserve to be betrayed and hurt by the women he trusted the most. I am in pain too, and want to help my H cope as well. We still are very attracted to one another and are very confused, we have continued to put all the painful issues of my A out on the table...total honesty, its been very emotional. my H and I still make love throughout this process, and I wonder if that is healty to do or not? especially since he is not to sure he wants to work this out and be married to me.

He left town to try to clear his head for a few days...I respect that, and he plans to leave our home for a few months. This worries me, I know I need to give him his space, but I also feel the strong urge to be by his side every min of the day to help him cope with the terrible realization of what I have done. My questions are

1. If my husband really wants to work things out, is leaving our home for a few months going to set us back, or is it a good idea for him leave in order to reevaluate his feeling for me?

2. Is it common to still have a sexual relationship when trying to recover and go through the aftereffects of the A?

3. It took me a day or two to realize that I needed to be completely honest with my H about the affair. But is it necessary to go thru details? I think being honest about the specifics is necessary, but I feel that the detail will just trigger terrible images in his head for years to come.
Please Help!!!

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: sag120167 ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to post this on general questions because weekends are very slow here.

It is not a good idea to separate right now. Will your husband come here and post? There are a ton of men going through the same thing.

Have you figured out why this happened in the first place?

Sex is a good idea. Most women discontinue sex, which is not good for the marriage.

While separation is not recommended, your H may feel it is necessary since your simple presence may just be enough to cause his triggers of the mental images of you and the OM having sex. The problem is that he will not use the separation to sort out his feelings and just sweep the hurt under the rug. Convey to him to please get counseling just like you will, and to get in touch with you whenever he just feels the need to talk.

I am not too familiar with posting, thanks for the advice. How do you move your topic?

I am pretty sure that I know the main cause of why I started my affair, I am trying to understand it all and hope that counseling and writing on this site will shed some light to my problem. I believe that I have had resentment issues with my husband for years but failed to fix it. I know it is an emotional issue...I felt neglected and not appreciated, and began to put up walls to protect myself from feeling hurt. I became independently responsible for my own happiness, and therefore quit depending on my husband for any emotional comfort. We still had a good marrige thou, I did give him small signs, but didn't want to be the complaining ungrateful wife. My A provided me with fun conversation...no responsibilities, no stress. The attention and affection became addictive. I felt appreciated and that made me happy. However, My H appreciated me too and also made me happy. My H started to pay more attention to me during the time of my A, and I think we realize that he was being more attentive to my needs because he suspected he was losing me. I did not respond to his affection, and regret not paying more attention to my H. I was so caught up in the A, I didn't notice how terrible I was treating my H.
I did realize that I wouldn't be as happy with the OM, and knew I had to quit the A. I know my husband catching me and confronting me about my A, was a good thing. I don't know if I ever could have had the courage to tell him about it. I know the situation I was in was not good, and he saved me form bringing further pain into my life. It was the wake up call I needed. I realize now more than ever how important my H and my family are to me. I know it sounds selfish and insane that cheating and being dishonest are what made me realize this. I always thought I had more respect and control.

To move your post you just copy and paste it to the general questions forum. You will get a much better number of responses there.

It sounds like you have a very good idea why the affair started. I wish your husband would post here so we can help him out too.

Also you might check out Stanley's post in the just found out forum. He and his wife are both posting there, and there is a lot of great advice.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

sag120167 I've already started a new thread with the same topic and copied and pasted your original post over by the General II questions board.

SAG, I was in your husband's shoes in August. It may have been fortunate for us that I was actually away at the time and the OM who did not live in the area had also left town when I found out. So, I believe having a little space before I actually saw my WW again was beneficial. That being said I can't see where a lengthy departure will do either of you any good if you are interested in reconciliation. When I finally made it home after finding out about the A my wife tried to keep me at a distance, but with in 12 hours we were having great sex even though she hadn't yet forsworn the OM. Sex may be a very important emotional ned for your husband and if you want to be with him, go for it. Is there anything more intimate that a woman can do for her man? Second, if you can get him to read it, Bob Pure has a great discourse in "Is there a Plan A1/2" by Marriage is Forever. Your husband, like me, is not responsible in ANY way for our spouse's decision to have an A, but we did contribute to creating an atmosphere where one could develop. It is a very bitter pill for the BS to swallow, but if he can you will be onthe track to recovery much faster.

My WW and I are recovering. I wish she had the insight you do as to how much pain she has caused to me, our children and extended family. The fact that you see that the A was wrong and can admit it is great. Don't act desperate in front of him, but read up on all the emotional needs stuff and start filling his tank ASAP. Then he will see that you want to be with him and you can begin your reconciliation in earnest.

I understand about the resentment issues you spoke of, it was exactly the same for my wife. If your H won't talk to you right now, post some questions and I'll try to relate as best I can what happened and what is currently going on in my marriage. There are a lot of similarities.

God Bless. If you believe in prayer, do that as well. It is truly remarkable what can happen through prayer.

Zoomie,

Thanks for replying. I am not too familiar with posting etc. I moved my topic to general discussions. I will read your posts, I am interested since you said our situation is similar. I am sure you can relate to the explosion of emotions involved, everyday is a challenge. I am regretful for the pain I have caused and I am eager to work on myself...thank you for the advice, it helps to get some perspective from the BH. The most confusing part for my husband is trying to understand how I could make such bad decisions if I was happy with him and our marriage. He questions my current intentions...he dosn't accept me telling him "I love him". I realize that I sound like a hypocrite, but I honestly have discovered a deeper love for him. He dosn't trust me, and I understand. I can only prove my love for him over time. We have good days and bad days, I just want to be there for him, I want to help minimize the pain. I know I can't erase what I have done.I do pray for forgiveness everyday. I wish I had the tools and insight I have now about affairs. It is a mind altering, heart wrenching addiciton. Let me know how your recovery process is going. I appreciate your insight!