I was thinking New Years Eve about the difference a year makes. I've learned so much over the past 12+ months and, while I would never want to do it again, I have to recognize that I am much better off having lived through it.<P>A year ago I was all but begging my husband not to leave me. I couldn't imagine life without him, even though I had really been living that way for a very long time. Even with the knowledge that there had been several others for many years. Back then I ignored a lot and would have forgiven anything. Status quo is a very hard thing to give up. Never again. Now I am glad that part of my life has come to a close; the divorce will be final next month. I've got a good job, my house and my kids. The kids see more of their father now than they did in the preceeding five years and more, and I have to believe it's better quality time, too.<P>It took maybe five or six months of his being gone (and, of course, finding out the depth of his deception) to figure out for myself that I really was better off on my own. Not long after I had decided that, I met someone who proved to me that there is nothing wrong with me. It's one thing to know something, it's another to <I>feel</I> it and sometimes you just have to have it proven.<P>Some things I learned: <P>1) Not all marriages were meant to be, no matter how much one party believes it so.<BR>2) Never just put up and shut up; it never will get any better. Status quo may be comfortable, but that doesn't mean it's healthy.<BR>3) It really does take two. If one doesn't want it - or isn't sure if he/she wants it, it will never be. Period.<BR>4) There really is life after... and that life is what you make it.<P>A little over a month ago, I began seeing a truly wonderful man who is everything a girl could want - everything I've ever wished for anyway. I have told him all about recent events and the troubles I've been having with my son (now there's a study for those interested in psychology), and he told me I wasn't going to scare him off. (My son tried his best to run him off, but it didn't work .) He raised two daughters of his own and is really great with my kids. I felt immediately at home with his parents and his daughters. He even likes my mother! <P>I'd like to thank everybody who helped me through the worst of it, and those who continue to be there. Things don't always turn out the way we expect - or the way we want - but in retrospect they do turn out for the best more often than not. I hope that each of you will find the peace you deserve soon.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P><BR>

You are right, not all marriages are meant to be. That's why after one has done their best, they must let go. Let go and Let God. Many people say that God hates divorce and that may be true, but he did provide for it for a reason. If you have fallen into that reason and are now happy then I am happy for you. Good luck and God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P><BR>

Thank you for your post. Although I haven't been hanging around here for more than a couple months, my H & I have had problems for awhile. Well, according to him, I've had problems. I think after some events that have happened in the past week, that I have reached a point where I don't think this marriage can work. I don't place the blame on either of us. I just don't have the personality to put up with some of the stuff he pulls (univiting me out, saying stopping to buy a card is too inconvenient to him, and even while I'm in counseling, never asking what he can do to help). This isn't a change from what our relationship ever was, just a change in me knowing that I cna't spend the rest of my life like this. I too met someone who showed me that I am not expecting too much. Don't know that if we do divorce I'll pursue anything with him, but he proved that the kind of relationship I think a marraige should be is out there.<BR>You know in your heart when you've made the right decision, & bless you for finding your peace. The future is yours & you deserve it!

Hi Bobbie--<P>I've said many times on differnt threads that not all marriages were meant to be. It definitely takes two to grow in a marriage, and it definitely takes two to grow apart.<P>The alternative is the one is swallowed up by the other--and that's not healthy, nor I believe, is it sustainable for very long. (Though there are plenty examples out there where one spouse gladly gave up his/her identify to remained married. Hey, whatever works, I suppose).<P>I know that that's not me! Tried it and it didn't work.<P>I'll say it again--I think the best marriages are those in which two adult individuals join to create synergy--that each adds such richness to the union that would be impossible to achieve alone.<P>Sometimes <raising my hand here!> it takes a crisis to precipitate that kind of understanding and then the issue is further muddied. Egawds do I know that. But if both partners -- BOTH -- are willing to at least try to recover their mutual feelings, the marriage has half a chance of working out.<P>I've long stated that after our crisis (long story), I wasn't interested in rebuidling my marriage. I was interested in finding out who I was, what I wanted (no, not in a 1960s kind of way) but I had strayed so far from the path I wanted for myself, it was past time to give pause to how I wanted to live the rest of my life.<P>I'm lucky. My husband rose to the challenge..in almost warp speed...but I don't pretend the work is done.<P>Things for us are "good" right now and I'm very content to remain in this marriage. I couldn't have said that six months ago.<P>I'm sorry your marriage ended...had my husband not risen to the challenge ahead, ours would have as well. There is no doubt about that in my mind.<P>Good luck in your future and God bless! <P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis<P>

Bobbie,<BR>Glad to hear things are working out for you. True, things didn't work out the way you wanted them too, but life goes on.<BR>Which is better, steak or lobster? Both are great but why cry over what you had yesterday? Just remember how good it was and enjoy what you have today.<P>Thanks for all the help you have given in the past Bobbie.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Bobbie,<P> Wow you sound great...I'm so glad you have found happiness. I've followed your story and it's nice to know there is life and happiness with or without the H.We are in recovery but I feel that my H is reluctant and I'm not sure how much more I will able to take....I'm the only one doing much here....Take care, thanks for posting....LU