You are right. I think part of the issue has been resolved. What hasn't been resolve is that I still don't know why we can't have joint accounts. For now I won't insist on being part of his finances. Maybe someday he will offer to add me to the accts on his own (without me having to ask). <P>When he got home last night, I had dinner ready for him. He was very happy I cooked for him. He said my behavior the past couple days deserve an A+. I told him this is how it can be all the time, if he would just make an effort to get along with me and stop fight, we can be very happy together.

Sweetie, <BR>I've just joined in on your conversation, and I almost feel sickened in sadness by the things you have been saying. Yes, your husband is successful and all, but what does he expect of you? Are you "Graded" by him often, or was the "A+" thing just a joke? What are your "wifely duties" per se? He doesn't seem to trust you with money- does he have any reason not to? <P>I don't know about your situation, but when I was added to my husband's account, I had to be present to do so. Is this an issue with you two? Do you have to be together at the bank to sign into his account?<P>I think your having your own account on the side is the best thing for you. Even though Dr. Harley says that Honesty is key, I would plea the 5th on anything having to do with your own account balance. <P>Let me delve in a little deeper...<BR>Has there been any physical abuse in your relationship? I know you don't know me from Adam, but the way you quote your husband ("Blah Blah Blah.. OR ELSE") makes me worry so.. I was raised in a physically abusive household, and I tell ya, it's one of the most painful situations a family can ever behold. <BR>Before I get into any more trouble, I'll wait for your reply...<P>In Sisterhood and Understanding,<P>Mandi

There is no physical abuse. I don't think he would try to laying a hand on me. He knows I wouldn't put up with that. I do feel that it has been a mentally abusive relationship, which is just as bad. No, he never graded my behavior before. This was the first time. I can't think of one reason why he can't trust me with his finances. I enjoy shopping (with limits). Like I said before, before I married him I was helping my parents financially. Those could be 2 reasons why he doesn't have trust in me. Let me tell you he doesn't trust anyone who surrounds him. I know I'm not the one with the problem its him, he just has a trust issue. <P>After having a couple nice days together, we got into this big arguement last night, again. We've been married 7 months and to date we hadn't pick out our wedding pictures. Well we have an appointment scheduled for today. Last night we were picking out our pictures. One thing I didn't mentioned is that he is Jewish and I'm Catholic. We'll there are 2 pictures with my parents giving me the blessing (I'm kneeled down)he said we couldn't have the pictures in our wedding album. If I want the pictures he would buy them separate, but they wouldn't be on the album. We then come across to the breaking of the glass picture and I told him he couldn't have it in the album either. I don't mind at all having his picture in the album. But if I can't have mine then why should he have his in it. I couldn't figure out why it bothered him so much to have my pictures in the album, so I kept asking him for a good reason. His response was "I don't feel comfortable with them therefore they won't be in there". He said besides "who paid for the pictures?" I said "you did". His response was "I paid for the pictures, so I have the right to say what goes in the album and what doesn't." He also said "those 2 pictures look like they are poloroid pictures". "That's why I didn't want the photographer going to your house for pictures". "You should be happy I agreed to it". "I went along with it for you". In other words I should be appreciative to him that I had the photographer come to my parents house the a.m. of the wedding and the pictures aren't nice because they were taken at my parents house. At that point I walked away and told him to finish picking them out since my decision doesn't count. He said "I don't understand why we are going through this trouble, I'm sure by Janauray we'll be divorced." He hurt my feelings when he said that. I have been trying hard to make our relationship better for both of us. I cooked for him the past couple nights and had very nice dinners. But, with the comments he makes I loose my cool and get very upset. Since we've cancelled our appointment with the photographer twice already, we can't cancel it again. I told H for him to finish picking them out and I would watch. He said he wasn't in the mood to finish. I then asked him what about our appointment tomorrow. He said we are keeping the appointment. I'm going to meet with the photographer to drop off the proofs thats what he wants,they own them anyway. He took the albums this morning. I don't know if he was serious or just trying to make me feel bad. If he was trying to make me feel bad, it's working. The pictures mean alot to me and I probably won't get to keep any of them.<P>One thing you need to know is that he doesn't practice his religion. That's why I can't figure out why it bothers him so much. I told him this morning, I wasn't upset about the pictures anymore, I am upset on the comments he made. I also told him it's about him having control ("I hate the CONTROL word!!!!")<P>I was thinking of maybe seeing a counselor for help or maybe I should go straight to a divorce lawyer. I don't know how much more of this I'll be able to handle. It's a never ending saga. <P>We are suppose to have dinner with his very nice mother, whom I care for alot, tomorrow. I want to tell him I'm not going to join them for dinner. I am not in the mood to pretend everything is just peachy. What should I do PLEASE HELP!!!!<P><BR>

I spoke with H during lunch. His reason for saying the hurtfull things he said to me last night was cause of what I said to him. Which was "the pictures I want will go in the album, like it or not".<P>During a conversation (while at lunch) I asked him for an apology, he said "you should be apologizing to me". "I said nothing wrong, therefore I am not going to apologize."<P>He also asked me if I would come with him to our photography appointment after work. I asked him why does he want me to come if I can't choose the pictures I like. He said then if you don't want to come. I will go by myself and pick whatever I like. I don't know if I should go with him or not. What should I do?

Marcy,<BR>Your H is very controlling. He is exhibiting traits of Narcissism as well. Do a search on this personality disorder...key in the words narcissism revisited. Read! I have been married for 4 years and like you have brought up the subject of joint accts. Needless to say we have no accts together. Mind you both of us are financially stable and dont depend on each other for Money...however, If somthing should happen to him I have no access to his accts nor power of attorney to handle his personal business. Similar to your situation, None of paperwork I've gotten has been signed, nor have we been to his bank together for power of attorney should something happen. Now, Our situation works as far as the separate accts go. He pays mortgage and I pay all incoming bills. I Pay only my credit cards;he pays his. I think in your situation that you SHOULD be on his acct period. His nasty comments are just that and said out of anger the way a two year old would...Kicking and screaming if you defy him or if He doesnt get his way. Your probably dealing wiht a difficult man Marcy....I hope you set your boundaries up clearly. And good job in stating the facts to him in a logical way...funny how they cant seem to answer a question when they know they are wrong. As far as apologizing....get used to this if he is indeed a narcisstic personality. A true narcisstic will deflect deflect deflect, show no empathy or remorse for emotional pain. And rarely acknowledge and admit when they are wrong. Im sorry for rattling and hope this post doesnt come across as harsh. Im curious to know if he would deny you something that you want to buy but need his financial assistance with...like say somthing beautiful for your home? In my situation, I have bought 90% of every furnishing in our home not to mention all landcaping plants ect. I asked him if he'd be willing to give me his credit card to purchase a few things...he did, but couldnt understand why he should have to buy this or that. DUH...He can contribute!!!!I will peek in here later. Check out that search on Narcissism revisited! Might very well be what your dealing with. I am!!!!!<BR>ruby

Marcy,<P>I have watched this saga unfold on this thread. I think it is time for you to wake-up and smell the coffee. The issue here is not finances, or trust or wedding pictures. The issue is CONTROL. Your H has a need to control you. I am sure that your H will not agree to counseling even though I am quite sure he needs it. You need to go to counseling so you can learn to deal with his control problem. Believe me it is a problem. You now have money of your own so you can pay for the counseling sessions. I know he will try, using verious methods of control, to stop you from going. Don't let him do this. You need help in defining and setting up boundaries past which you will not let him bully you. Please get some professional help. All any of us here can offer is a bandaid fix for a problem that requires major surgery.<P>I'm sorry.<BR>Mud <><

.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited November 16, 2000).]

Thumbs up Mudder...ditto what he said Marcy, I wish you all the best.<BR>ruby

I will seek counseling as soon as possible. You are right he will never admit to any wrong doing. I could be crying my eyes out and he won't say a word. He just watches me suffer. I am always to blame for his actions.<P>I have decided to meet with him and the photographer, not because I'm looking forward to going. I guess I don't have a good reason why I'm going other than I still care and have some hope that maybe things will change.<P>As far as him giving me money for something I want to buy, he always pleases me that way. He question me on what I want to buy, but at the end he will let me buy it. He is not cheap that way. If he has the money avail. he will spend it. <P>I hope I made the right decision by meeting with him tonight.<P>One more thing, do you guys really think things will get in my marriage? Please be honest (I know you guys have been)<BR>

Marcy, I have to admit my first impression of your situation wasn't good. I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Important details are often left out of posts, whether by accident or design. <P>I hoped at first the extent of your conflict was simply establishing trust. Now that I feel like I know you a little better, I regretfully must say that I'm leaning toward my first impression. I perceive your H as controlling to the point of being disturbing. It's a red flag of danger for things getting worse. Be strong Marcy. If you manage to lead your H to a land of love and respect, you will achieve a great accomplishment indeed.

Marcy, This is going to sound brutal, but it is hard fact. People dont change unless they want to. It seems that your H doesnt see anything wqrong with his behavior and interactions with you...therfore in his mind the only problem is you. Ultimately your going to have to be the one that changes. You have a choice...either accept this man for who he is and learn how to deal with his personality...or leave the marriage. Perhaps you and he going to marriage counciling will improve the way he interacts with you...I hope so for your sake

Marcy, I would agree accepting your H as is or leaving marriage are two options, but not the only two. I cannot emphasize enough that accepting your H as is would be a disastrous mistake. Perhaps leaving the marriage will be your outcome. Meanwhile, I see a lot of middle ground. Your H hasn't learned how to love, respect, nuture, and cherish. Maybe your H will learn marriage skills. Maybe not. <P>I hope you acquire a firm grasp of the principles described in this site. It will heighten your chances of success the next time around, whether your "new" partner is your current H or someone else. "Earning your divorce" is how some people describe it here. Karenna is one person who's been through a tremendous lot. If she gets on this thread, listen to her.

I hate to accept the fact that he won't change. But it's the truth. I know he won't change, because in his mind everything he does or says its right. I told him last night, on the way to the photographer, that I had decided to seek counseling. I told him I wasn't doing it for him. (Do you think it was wrong for me to say that to him?) I told him I was doing it for myself, I want to be stronger than I already am. His response was "that's good to know, I've been telling you to see someone for help because you really do need it". My response was "right". <P>One thing I hadn't mentioned to you guys is that when I met my H I was living in the west coast with my boyfriend back then. (You can read about it under Resolving Conflicts, living in misery)So, last night he says to me I'm sure you are going to tell your story to make yourself look good. I told him I was going to tell the counselor only the truth. Then he says "make sure you also tell him/her how you were living with someone while you were with me." My response was "I will mention that too, when you go to a counselor you have to be true to yourself and be honest about everything going back to your childhood years." I said "you wouldn't and won't know that because you choose not to seek for help."<P>I will agree Karenna has given me some good advice. I am very interested to hear what she has to say about this issue. Don't get me wrong I really do appreciate all of your feed back and in no way are you guys being harsh with me. Your responses have made me stronger, accepting to the truth and what I need to do now.

Actually, I did address this issue in your post on the Resolving Conflicts forum. I'll stick by the same statement. You have the right in some states to go into court to get your name put on certain accounts that he has. This is tantamount to sueing for divorce. <P>So use the MB and tough love principles first. Read Boundaries in Marriage before throwing in the towel.<P>Teach him the Four Rules of Marriage, slowly and carefully. He is blowing it big-time in the (Dis)Respect Department. His treatment all smacks of total disrespect for you as a person. Setting limits, speaking the Truth in Love, standing with self-assurance, not violating your own integrity by inappropriate submission to abuse, being emotionally honest with him, practicing tough love, using positive reinforcement and validating yourself are all positive ways you can teach him to respect you.<P>Best wishes! Be strong.<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited November 19, 2000).]

Marcy,<P>However you handle this, don't give up until you get a fair solution! My fiance was married to someone that was selfish and controlling with money for 6 years, and it has been a nightmare undoing all the damage he did to her. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your H is trying to control you in a cruel way that no one should have to put up with. Do not ever think for a second that what he is doing is right, it's not. Good luck and God bless you.

I've had clients in your situation totally sell out because they like his money, the bits and pieces of status, the big house and Mercedes Benz convertible. Putting up with the disrespect and abuse is sometimes a choice made for the "sake" of the child. Not for you. The choice of dignity and integrity is yours alone.

Karenna,can I find the MB and tough love principles. You also mentioned Boundaries in Marriage, is this in the MB website?<P>We had a weekend with no arguing. Saturday night, I decided I was going to talk to him about our issues, the main issue being trust. I brought up the account issue again and why he ask me to close the accts six months ago to add me to his account and then changed his mind about it. He said he didn't change his mind. He just never got around to it. I told him he did change his mind because when I moved back the reason why I open my accts at his back was because he was going to add me to those accounts not the one where my direct deposit was going too. It was so funny because he went mute, he didn't have an answer for me. I asked him to try to put himself in my shoes. I told him I wasn't going to try to prove a point to him because he is the type of guy who always has to be right and no matter what I say or do, it doesn't make a difference. I told him "I am not going to try to justify my actions to make you feel better" "because there are times when I do certain things (that aren't out of the ordinary)which he doesn't understand. I went on and on, on how he is functioning and handling our relationship. I told him I want to continue being his wife but I can't continue if there aren't any changes. <P>What started this conversation was that I picked up the mail. He received a big yellow envelope from the post office and I opened it. In the envelop was his tax return papers. He was bothered that I opened it when it wasn't address to me. He said "I have asked you many times not to open my mail,just because it came from the post office and you didn't know what it was doesn't mean you should open it." I told him I don't want him opening my mail either and maybe he should have his mail sent to a p.o. box. Then I said "you don't have to do that, I will have my mail sent to a p.o. box". "This is your house not my." He said that's just an excuse for you to have your mail sent to a p.o. box. You probably been wanting to have your mail sent elsewhere, you just haven't been able to do it. I told him I have nothing to hide from him. Our conversation went on for about 2 hours. He couldn't figure out where I got all my thoughts from about our relationship. Most of the time he kept quite and listened. He told me he would think about what I said and keep it in mind. He didn't say he would make an effort to change.

I set up an appointment with a Phyciatrist for next week. I was talking with my girlfriend about it. She thinks I should consult with a Psychologist instead. Which one should I be consulting with? I don't know.

A psychiatrist can prescribe medications if you need them. They can both "do" psychotherapy. Consult the Psychiatrist since you do have the appointment. S/he can refer you to a psychologist if necessary. Don't know why you are going, are you depressed? Try to find out if the person you are seeing is pro-marriage. What is the track record? Ask up front for a recommended reading list they give you for working on a marriage. Compare the reading list to the post of <B>Books</B> list on the Just Found Out.. forum.<P>MB principles are available on this website. Go to the Concepts button on the top of this page and start reading.<P>Love Must Be Tough is a book by Dr. James Dobson available at Amazon.com or your local bookstore. Boundaries in Marriage is a book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend available at amazon.com etc. Go to the Women's Bible Study forum and look in the older posts, a month or two old, and read the monster thread entitled <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000588-13.html" TARGET=_blank>Boundaries..... (SueB)</A> <P>Happy reading!<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Thank you for all the information you've given me. I decided to see a counselor to help me emotionally. I probably don't really need it. I also figured if I start going maybe my husband will eventually decide to come with me. I feel that I have been pretty strong through this situation, but maybe seeking for help will make me feel better.<P>Even though I've been strong about this. I still feel a bit down. I probably don't show it much because I am not the type of girl to put her head down I just want to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually in case anything happened.<P>Thanks again.