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Joined: Jun 2000
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OU812 Offline OP
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My wife and I have been struggling for quite some time. I'm sure my story resmbles the many that have been posted here; but I'm having a really hard time. <P>Please read an email she sent me and tell me if I should just move on - <P>BEGIN - <P>I just don't know what to tell you. My feelings have not changed. I<BR>wish they would. But I feel in so many ways that it is just too late. Its<BR>not that you haven't been doing enough or trying hard...I see all that you<BR>are doing. I do not LIKE being cold to you. But it is unfair to act like<BR>everything is honky dory when it isn't. And every time I am NOT distant<BR>..you seem to go back to acting like there isn't a problem.<P>Part of my issues too are the fact that you have NEVER listened to me when<BR>I've been unhappy. You just brushed everything I was feeling aside like I<BR>didn't even say it. I feel like I have to hang on to my convictions all<BR>the more because of that. I do not want to just brush all my feelings aside<BR>only to have them resurface AGAIN in six months, a year, whatever.<BR>Sometimes I imagine how different my life would be if you HAD respected my<BR>feelings from the beginning and if I had had the guts to just break away<BR>regardless of what you said. But I never wanted to hurt you and I never<BR>wanted to be mean. Now we have these beautiful kids and I would never<BR>regret them but I can't be a good Mommy if I'm perpetually unhappy.<P>If the roles were reversed and you continually had told me you were unhappy<BR>in our relationship...I might try to convince you to stay...but I wouldn't<BR>just ignore your feelings. I would respect them and I would respect you for<BR>being honest with me. I would feel like "HEY...if this person isn't totally<BR>into me...then I am being shortchanged too." There is a huge part of me<BR>that just wants to be alone...meaning not married any more. HUGE. How do I<BR>dismiss that? I want to be happy. I want to be content. All I feel right<BR>now...is just dead.<P>I appreciate so much that you say your sorry...and I'm sorry too for all the<BR>hurt I've caused you. I'm sorry for not being the wife you want me to be<BR>right now. I wish I had all the right things to say to make you feel<BR>better. But I feel that would be dishonest and it would be unfair to both<BR>of us. Oh well, I don't know what else to say. I'm in such a bad spot and<BR>I really don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.<P>I guess I'll see you later. Hope your day isn't too hectic.<P>END - <P>We have 3 children and a home. We've been married for 10 years. There has been infelity in the marriage and neglect. What do you think? Am I holding on to nothing....<P>

Joined: Feb 2000
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Only you can answer your question. Many people here would tell you to hang on...I would even be inclined to. If you are new to MB, then you might try reading some of Dr. Harley's material. Also, who had the affair - you or W? The MB principals can be difficult but worth it according to those who have had positive results. I am sorry you are here and in so much pain, but the people here can offer some good advice...much better than mine. I suggest you start some reading right away...a good book to start with would be "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

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Welcome <B>OU812</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>After reading the letter from your W...<BR>...I said to myself... "this is from MY wife"!...<BR>...only my W would have added...<BR>..."I suffer alone without telling you"...<P>This is <B>such</B> a common letter...<P>You are not alone!...<P>Do read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>!!! And follow the links!<P>What you want to do is first get an understand of all the concepts...<BR>...and immediately start counseling...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>If your W will join you... great...<BR>If not... do it alone!<P>You will want to learn about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> right away!<P>Much of the best information is found directly in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... <B>GET IT</B>... and read!<P>Until you do... straight from the book...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<P>In your case... finding out what are the most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<BR>...and like my W... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A> seems to be very important...<BR>...I'd recommend you take immediate... <B>AND DAILY</B> steps from some recommended books...<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785273662" TARGET=_blank><B>A Celebration of Sex</B></A> by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440207533" TARGET=_blank><B>Light His Fire </B>: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly in Love</A> by Ellen Kreidman <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805058265" TARGET=_blank><B>Passionate Marriage :</B> Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships</A> by David Schnarch <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800757092" TARGET=_blank><B>Sex Begins in the Kitchen :</B> Because Love Is an All-Day Affair</A> by Kevin Leman <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310214149" TARGET=_blank><B>What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men</B></A> by Patrick M. Morley <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0842378960" TARGET=_blank><B>What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women</B></A> by James C. Dobson <BR></OL><P>Your W, sounding so similar to mine, may be suffering from bouts of depression...<BR>...seriously consider an appointment with a MD to (1)have a prescription for anti-depressant medication (2)possibly individual therapy.<P>My son, taking a psych class in school, now recognizes his mom as bi-polar!<P>Everything... and I do mean <B>Everything</B> that is recommended here...<BR>...is helped by coming to this forum and getting help from the most wonderful, patient people in the world!!!<P>post... read... ask...<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: May 2000
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I don't think it is too late for you. Have you started Plan A-ing? Are you still in the same house? I think still have a lot to try and to give before you should give up. I understand how she feels and have even felt the same, but I've seen so many people turn around after that and worse. It's up to you whether you feel it is worth it.

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OU812 Offline OP
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To all, <P>Thank you - I only recently started visiting this site and I knew you all would help me. <P>We have started counseling (one session), and we have discussed the concepts described on the website (love bank, emotional needs, etc.). <P>I haven't given up! I have neglected her for quite some time, this has caused her to be unfaithful. But, we were able to work through it. Lately she has started to become very resentful for how I treated her prior to her infidelities.<P>Thank you and keep posting please - it gives me hope =) <P>And we still live together and we still share the same bed - <P>Thank you <P><p>[This message has been edited by OU812 (edited June 06, 2000).]

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Glad you are in counseling.. I hope that you have found a good counselor as that could make the world of difference! Please remember that while you might not have treated her the way she wanted to be treated previously.. that she had options short of an affair to get your attention... so, while you should own up to what you did wrong in your relationship and take steps to correct it and to communicate better.. do not go down the path of blaming yourself or taking responsibility for her affair! She has things she needs to step up to the plate and accept as her responsibility. You guys have kids and that is usually a good incentive for trying. It will be rough for a while .. but I hope that you both perservere. No matter what happens in counseling may I suggest that you both agree to not make any decisions while angry or upset.. wait for 24 hrs after an upsetting session or disclosure.. make that something you agree to up front...Best of luck...


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