Lisa,<P>I too had been only w/my stbx for 15 years.<P>You are so much more then just a W.<P>Example:<P>I work at a school:So there for <B>I am a teacher</B><P>I have children: So there for <B> I am a Mommy</B><P>I have friends: So there for <B>I am a friend.</B><P>I have siblings: So there for <B> I am a sister.</B><P>I know you get the point.<P>Being a W is an important role,and yes I can say that honestly I do miss that.But there is so much more.It isn't the Only thing.<P>Take the time for your self,to know what it is that you like and go and have some fun.<P>Take it easy.<P>It's got to get better right????<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

I met my x at 18. Married at 21. And was married 17 yrs. before he left. And though I have a mother, sister, 2 children, numerous friends and acquaintances, I truly felt alone. I was alone in making the decisions, I was alone in dealing with the children, I was alone in dealing with finances/house/car/all that stuff, I was alone in bed. Yes, I had friends who helped me out emotionally. But I was so ALONE I thought I was dying.<P>So, I've been forced to find my self and my way through a very lonely thing. I had lost my self. I think that was why I think I really did the 'alone' thing. And some days I'm not so sure I'm through.

The whole idea of being alone for awhile is to understand who you are and what your own needs are without being dependent on any one else.<P>This lets you be "you" when you are in a relationship & not just be what your partner wants you to be. It also helps you to understand that you do not "need" some else to be happy.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I did't get married until I was 25. I was independent and knew what I wanted. I remember when I first got married I didn't want to change my name; not because I didn't love my H...to me it was going to create a lot of confusion with work, etc. My H was horrified, so I changed it after a year. Anyway, part of the reason my marriage is ending is I was so tired of being alone. <P>Lots of people have responded about learning to find themselves, having to do things alone...I have been doing that for many years. My spouse didn't do much with us at all. I took care of the bills, the insurance, the kids, the house, etc. I had to bribe him to go away with us for a few days. He prefered the couch to bed, so in many respects, nothing has changed for me. My D still isn't final, but emotionally, I am ready to not be so alone. I know who I am and what I want and have never defined myself by being part of an us.<P><BR>

GSD: <P>Well, that was fun signing on and seeing my old post revived. I agree that we are very similar. I have related to all of your posts.<P>Cinderella:<P>Our history is about the same. I met my x when I was 18, married him at 23, was married for 13 years, so I haven't dated since I was 18. I have two little girls and I am now running the household for the first time. I share custody 50 - 50 so that helps a little as I can run errands, etc. while my kids are with him, but I hate not having them all the time.<P>I have spent the last two months on my own and have really found that being alone is not so bad. I have done many things by myself or just with my kids and with friends and family as well. I have read a few books and joined some all women groups which I really have enjoyed. <P>But, I did recently break my no dating rule. I was asked out by a male friend about two weeks ago and have gone out to dinner with him a few times. I have told him at this time I am not looking for a serious relationship with anyone. He told me that he understands where I am coming from and will respect that and wants me to set the pace of this relationship. Although, I sense that he is hoping that this will develop into something more permanent.<P>So, here is my chance to be assertive with what I want and need right now. He has some great qualities. The problem I am having right now is that I'm already starting to think "Hey, this guy has some great qualities, so I better hold on to this one" DANGER DANGER. I think this is dangerous thinking.<P>I just talked to my sister and she said that she doesn't think I shouldn't date right now but that I just need to take it slower this time. I need to spend time just talking and getting to know this guy. And, I need to make sure that I stay TRUE TO MYSELF and what I want in the relationship. I need to be completely honest with this guy and if I start feeling uncomfortable at any time, I need to tell him. I need to stay within the boundaries I have set for myself. If he doesn't like that, he has the choice to move on. And, if he decides to move on, that will be ok. I now know that I will be ok with or without a man.<P>Based on my last relationship, I know that I am playing with fire right now, but I feel that I am stronger now. I guess I shall find out soon enough. SO, wish me luck!<P>

711,<P>Hey Jen. I don't think I've posted anything directly to you in a while and hope that everything is going well with you. How's the new house? <P>I have been told this same thing about not getting involved too soon after a divorce and I never had a good reason why UNTIL I started to date.<P>For me, my dating has set me back into an emotional roller coaster from hell. I enjoy the company of the woman I am seeing, but the more time I have spent with her, the more I miss my ex. I have been open with this person (who has been divorced for 2 years now herself) and she is very understanding to what I am going through. I don't know what it is, but starting to tear up over intense feelings of longing for your ex while in the company of your current date cannot make that other person feel too special! <P>I know that I have to give it time to mourn the loss of my marriage and to really be ok being on my own before I can start to work myself back to being with another person.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TheStudent:<BR><B>We all like being able to walk on two legs, but if you had broken one or both of your legs, I'm sure you'd take the necessary time to let them heal before going out and running a marathon. Even with physical injuries, people forget how long it takes to fully heal. How many times have you injured something (physically), then it doesn't hurt for awhile and you think you are through it? Then, oops, you get a sharp pain, maybe even re-injure it and you realize you aren't quite done yet. Same thing with emotional pain.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>TS, this is an awesome analogy!<P>Cinderella, I really do like the quote you chose to share.....<B>To have peace, you must know yourself. And, to know yourself, you must be alone.</B><P><p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited January 21, 2001).]

Hey Jayhawk (old friend),<P>It is good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear that you are back on that emotional roller coaster. Why does life have to be so difficult??? I'm right there with you. <P>I'm starting to get uncomfortable with the guy I am dating not because of unresolved feelings for my x but because I think he wants to go much faster in this relationship than I. And, I am such a pushover. I am trying hard to keep my boundaries in place but I can see them starting to crumble away. I have told the guy this and he said no problem. That he will go as slow as I want. But, how long will that last? I am so stressed out over this. I think I need to go back to not dating again because I can't trust myself in this relationship. But, I don't want to do it.<P>So, here I am just struggling with all of this. I really don't need this right now. SO, I guess I need to read back through all the posts again about why it is important to be alone and what I should be doing while I am alone.<P>Yes, The Student's analogy is a good one. My therapist uses that one too. I can really relate to this one. I am a runner but have not been running as much as I used to. The other day I got disgusted with myself and took off and ran 3 miles without warming up or anything. A day later, my hamstring was killing me. An old injury I just can't seem to get rid of. Sounds so much like another injury that keeps being opened up. SO, how long does it take to heal. My hamstring has been bothering me for years!!! <P>My sister recommended a good book. I think it is called "The Four Agreements". It is basically a book about being true to oneself. I am going to order that tonight. Maybe that will help me.<P>Thanks for listening everyone. I know I must sound like a basket case. I am!!!<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited January 21, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> SO, how long does it take to heal. My hamstring has been bothering me for years!!! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For hamstrings, wear flats or go barefoot as much as possible, as well as stretch every day. also, start out with light weights and many repetitions. A hamstring will tear when it is significantly weaker than the quad.<P>(BTW, I strained/popped mine three times in one season, playing soccer, and it is a typical middle age injury.) Now it is just fine, but occasional weights, and stretching.<P>tom<P>been there, done that, OUCH!<P>

Thanks Tom!<P>I know I need to stretch but I rarely do. My Dad is constantly on me about this. I did start back with light weights recently to strengthen it again. I usually pull it when I play tennis or run. And, I just signed up for Spring tennis. <P>So, again, I am a fool in two areas now. Playing sports before I am ready and dating before I am ready. How much pain do I need to suffer, before I will finally learn my lessons?<P>Jen<BR>

After responding to this post earlier today, I decided to go do something I've never done before....I went to go see a movie by myself. I felt a little strange about it at first, but once I sat down in the theater, I never really gave it a second thought.<P>I saw the movie Cast Away. I've wanted to see the movie and since most of my friends have already seen it, I just went. Considering that the movie is really a character study of how one man reacts to surviving on his own (literally) before re-entering to society, I thought it would be a fitting movie for me right now. I hoped to take something away from the movie which I could use to help me get through this difficult time myself. Even though I'm not stranded on a desert island, I was able to relate to the character and to the plot on certain levels. <P>Most importantly though, I learned that I could go to a movie by myself and was ok with it! I know it was a simple thing, but I am viewing it as the next step along my little journey.

I haven't gone to the movies by myself yet. I agree that is a good step. I haven't seen Cast Away yet. I did see the Family Man with my sisters. I was glad to see a movie that actually glorified marriage for a change. It was refresing. Last year, it seemed all the movies I saw included affairs and how great they were.<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited January 21, 2001).]

711,<P>I pulled a hamstring a couple of years ago and it took almost a year to heal, with no running. Once I started running I did shorter intervals and shortened my stride. I also learned to stretch more after the run, which helps a lot. I've also spent more time riding my bikes, which is much less stressful than running. Now if I could just get my ITB to settle down.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I'm a member of AAA, and saw that they were offering specials at one of the swank bed-n-breakfast type hotels in St. Augustine, FL. I got bummed at first, because it was a place me and my ex used to go. I started thinking, "oh well. Someday I can go there with someone again." Then I thought...<P>WHY WAIT?! St. Augustine has some nice beaches, restaurants, etc. I think I might just check in all by my little 'ol self. I'm thinking it would be a nice spring-break present to myself!!<P>I bought a flower arrangement for myself last night. You don't need to wait to have a life. Sure, it is more fun to have someone to share it with, but there is alot of living out there to do. This time last year, I spent 5 days all by myself in Paris. It was wierd. It was almost like being in "Cast Away", because I couldn't speak the language What I did do is write a journal that whole time. Every little thing that caught my eye that I would normally share with someone if they were there. When I got home, I read my journal to my friends and got to share it then.

Nick: <P>Thanks for the hamstring advice. This is an injury that just keeps coming back for more. I did stop running and playing tennis last year and it felt so much better. But, the minute I start these activities up again, it hurts. I really enjoy both but don't like dealing with the pain.<P>Again, I love the comparison between sport's injuries and divorce. It took you a year without running to heal your hamstring. I have always heard it takes at least a year without dating to heal from a divorce. <P>So, I am planning to keep things at a much slower pace in both sports and love for a while.<P>TS: The vacation sounds great. I have never gone on a vaction by myself. That does sound so relaxing. And, I liked the flowers idea. I love flowers but rarely buy them.<P>Jen<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited January 23, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR><B>GSD: <P>So, here is my chance to be assertive with what I want and need right now. He has some great qualities. The problem I am having right now is that I'm already starting to think "Hey, this guy has some great qualities, so I better hold on to this one" DANGER DANGER. I think this is dangerous thinking.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Hey, this guy has some great qualities, so I better hold on to this one" DANGER DANGER. I think this is dangerous thinking."<P>Wow, could I have written this! That is how I felt with the last guy and probably why I got so hurt. It was more dissapointment actually. I saw someone that I was very compatible with, who wanted the same things out of life, and liked similar things. He seemed "right." I felt like I had lost a chance at something good, not realizing that it isn't good if it isn't the right time. I get mad sometimes and want to speed up the next year or so so that I can be ready to date and not have to discard any good ones. Isn't that crazy? Also, I am afraid to date any really nice men because I am thinking that I will blow any chance at a good thing with them by starting something prematurely. (???!?!?!?) I can't help but think that if I had dated that guy later on that it might have worked out, but I feel like I blew it. (DOn't razz me for all this, guys. I recognize the lack of logic )<P><BR>

gsd,<BR>"I get mad sometimes and want to speed up the next year or so so that I can be ready to date and not have to discard any good ones."<P>Ok. You don't sound convinced that taking the suggested "time out" is a good thing for you. Maybe you should date somemore. I'm not being flippant. If something bad happens, then you might re-think waiting somemore. You're taking the chance of undoing whatever gains you have made up to this point. On the other hand, if something good happens, then that's nice too. I have to say though, that your first dating experience didn't sound like too much fun for you. <P>It sounds like you feel as if there is only so many men to go around, and if you don't grab this one, then there won't be another. I mean, I understand why you would feel that way, but do you really think that's true? <P>I guess my point is that, if your experience so far hasn't convinced you that waiting for awhile isn't a good idea, then there's nothing anyone can say to change your mind. Not only that, you won't get much out of this year "waiting time" either. It will be treated more like a time for penance and punishment than a period of true reflection and growth.

GSD:<P>I think the Student is right regarding the year off rule. You have to buy into it. I thought it was like a punishment when I first heard it. I thought you got to be kidding, wait a year!!! Not me. So, I dated right after my divorce was final. I actually had some really good times but also some bad ones as well. I will take what I learned from that early experience and use that in my next relatinship. Now, I am taking this new relationship slower but I know this is very risky for me. I am making time for myself and friends at the same time. I didn't do that last time around. I think in each new relationship we learn more and more about ourselves and what we want. But, I think it is very important to let anyone you date know where you are in the process. So, they know the risks involved.. Even then, people can get hurt so be careful.<P>I did have a little time off from dating and I enjoyed it. Especially not having to shave my legs all the time. <BR>

You mean I have to shave my legs when I start dating again? Wow, the rules for dating sure have changed <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

711,<P>Some sabbatical! I'm teasing, you know.<P>I honestly can't think of a single guy I'd want to date, and I work around all guys. I think I'm desensitized to the male presence. Remember my Haagen Daz analogy in regards to dating? In my case, I guess I eat Haagen Daz all day and am getting pretty sick of ice cream at this point. By the time I get home, whatever is in the freezer doesn't look too appealing. <P>It's either that, or I got a really bad case of food poisening from the last batch of ice cream I pulled out of the freezer, so now looking at ice cream makes me sick to my stomach. Yea. That's it. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>You mean I have to shave my legs when I start dating again? Wow, the rules for dating sure have changed </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Only if she's a faster rider ... you'll feel inferior if you can't keep up.<P>Seriously, though, the rebound relationships are fraught with peril. <P>Mine appeared unbidden at my apartment door (in a secure building!) during the breakup, and during the course of a <B><I>very</I></B> distressing discussion held a steak knife at her own breast. Since she was roughly my size, I had to take this <I>a lot</I> more seriously than I had to take any of the XW's antics, because what was pointed at her could just as easily have been turned on me. It took a while to talk her down.<P>BTW, she went into this relationship with <I>eyes wide open</I> that I was on the rebound, and she had even been in a similar rebound situation several months before and gotten badly burned. Go figure.<P>The major difference was religious, something she hid at the outset, and I didn't pick up on because she was Brazilian. I was not amused at finding out I was a <I>shaygitz</I> for about the tenth time. Tried to be cool with it, but ultimately it was a problem, as was the fact that she was a <I>poor me</I> type--I think she had been self-reliant at one time, but she was ground down and not doing the right things to bounce back.