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Joined: Dec 2000
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For those of you who dont know.<BR>My wife left me to move out on her own to "see" if she can make it on her own.<BR>Then she told me that she is in love with another woman.<P>Now she is telling me that she has a real issue with men.<BR>All I can keep thinking is that if you hang around a barber shop, sooner or later your going to get a hair cut.<P>I'm sure all these thoughts are coming from talking to the lesbians.<P>Can I court order counseling before we divorce?<BR>If she does have an issue with men, dikes are not the people to be talking to. Don't you think? Don't you think that she should be talking to a counselor on this subject?<P>This is a mess.<BR>I don't know what in the heck to do.<BR>Any suggestions or input?<BR>

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Well, it's certainly likely that your wife is being negatively influenced by her current associations, and she's probably particularly vulnerable to such influences in her current (admittedly) confused state. But it really doesn't matter whether she would be better off talking to a counselor, since <I>she's</I> the one deciding whom she talk to.<P>Has your wife said exactly what her "issues" with men are? Have you listened non-defensively?<BR>

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First of all, hanging out with Lesbians doesn't make you turn into one. If you talked to gay men, I doubt you would turn gay. Why is it that men think that if you associate with women who are lesbians you will eventually be one too. Get real.<P>Your wife as an issue with men. I would look into that statement. Sorry guys, but sometimes you do hurt, you don't listen, you are not considerate. I don't know what your story is or why your wife decided another woman was the way to go.<P>I had a client once who had been through a horrific divorce; her husband would lock her into the spare room for days. He had automatic weapons and she was terrified. The H had a drinking problem to boot..finally, the woman left with $5.00 to her name, no car, no family, no anything. She now is living with a woman...I think basically for companionship and she is terrified of men. I can't say I blame her and I don't think she is a Lesbian. She has lost her capacity to trust men.<BR>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lonelysoul:<BR><B>First of all, hanging out with Lesbians doesn't make you turn into one. If you talked to gay men, I doubt you would turn gay. Why is it that men think that if you associate with women who are lesbians you will eventually be one too. Get real.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Where ever did you get the idea that anyone here thought associating with lesbians would turn a woman into one? The point is that many lesbians <I>do</I> have "issues with men", and <I>that</I> is what is in danger of rubbing off, particularly on someone who is looking for excuses to leave her husband.<BR>

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I got the idea from the crack about if you hang out long enough in a barber shop, you get a hair cut. Do you interpret that differently?<P>

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I guess I didn't really interpret it at all. I didn't know <I>what</I> it was supposed to mean.<BR>

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Well, I quess you know now...unless you or the original writer meant something different.<P>

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Lonelysoul,<P>Perhaps you should go read the story behind this post. BIET's story isn't that long but you will find that his W is leaving him because she has "fallen in love with another woman". In fact, the OW has been "kind enough" to offer to come over and explain it all to him.<P>So please read his past posts, perhaps your experiences can be of use to him. I am sure he would appreciate any insight into how to save his marriage.<P>JL

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Sorry, I should hav been more clear.<BR>I do not think that if she hangs out with lesbians she'll turn into one.<P>GDP hit it on the head....The point is that many lesbians do have "issues with men", and that is what is in danger of rubbing off.<P>Thank you. I couldnt find the words to articulate it. That is exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. <P>Thats exactly what I meant.<P>She hasnt said exactly what the issues are.<BR>She said that she may come over tomorrow to do some talking. I do listen non-defensively. Right now I'm the best listener in the state of Tennessee. I'm not critical when we talk. I don't put her down, never have put her down.<P>Lonelysoul: If you do search on my user name you'll find a history of us.<P>Let me clear this up a little. I do think my wife is being influenced by her lesbian friends. If she does have an issue w/men her lesbian friends can not give unbiased, impartial feedback.<P><BR>

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Thank you Just Learning.<P>I would deeply and gratefully appreciate any insight into how to save my marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by broken_in_east_TN (edited February 10, 2001).]

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I wonder if there may be an episode of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse by a friend or relative in her past. <P>Also, now knowing any thing more about the story than has been posted on this board, I have a question. What is your wife's weight like? Does she have an eating disorder. Did you know that most food addicts have are victims of sexual abuse? Not jumping to conculusions. Just heard this from a friend who is bulimic and attends Overeaters Anon.

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Her parents divorced when she was young.<BR>She said that he never paid her any attention till after they got divorced.<P>After they divorced, she and her mother moved to VA. Bch. Thats were we met.<P>She told me that at one point she told her father never to contact her again. That was in her teen years. When she got in her 20's she opened the lines of communication back with him.<P>She was in an emotionally and physically abusive realtionship before she met me.<P>I have never been abusive towards her, I know now that I had neglected her emotional needs.<P>She hasnt mentioned anything about sexual abuse.<P>Her weight is average for her heigth.<P><BR>

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broken_in_east_TN,<P>"<B>My wife is in love with another woman</B>"… with the difference that I added "help!" at the beginning, this was exactly how I titled my first post here. It's too painful for me to repeat my story here and for some old timers it may be boring. If you wish, perform a search to find those posts, many were lost some time ago during one of those MB's "upgrades".<P>I don't know what made me lurk again in MB… I believed that there was nothing left for me here, but maybe, just maybe.. it was meant for me to give you some words, words that coming from somebody who also lost his wife over another woman may be helpful for you although I don't know how. I can say that that one who wrote that "time is the best cure" was right. I cannot tell you without lying that I don't cry once in a while, that although I took all our pictures together off the walls I still save my favorite one hiding behind another photo in a shelf and once in a while, nostalgic, I stare at it for long time wondering what I did wrong.<P>The thing is: I didn't and neither did you. Your wife is not running away from you but trying to reach her true self if she is really a lesbian. Last July I read a book that the wife gave me and is really an eye opener not so much to help you understand her but to help you understand your feelings, its title is <B>"The Other Side of the Closet" by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph. D., and it's about "The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families"</B>. They Have an organization called "Straight Spouse Network" and a web site: <A HREF="http://www.ssnetwk.org;" TARGET=_blank>http://www.ssnetwk.org;</A> I exchanged a couple of e-mails with Dr. Buxton around September last year, I was thinking in organizing a chapter in my hometown (and country- Mexico) but that's on hold for now… I may still do it, just need the time (and the guts) to "come out" in that sort of thing.<P>Read the book (find it in the Psychology or Self-Help sections of your bookstore), check the web site but above all, remember that you are not alone, not only in the infidelity side of this, but also on "the other side".<P>Take care of yourself, get enough sleep, reach out to your friends and family, you'll find out that there are many, many people who love you and care for you.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Alex

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Alex,<P>Just wanted to say Hi! It has been a long time. I am glad to hear that you are doing better. I presume that since your last post that things have been sorted out and the marriage is indeed over. If so I am very sorry, but I hope that your life is starting to turn upwards again.<P>I do hope you can post to BIET and help him with this situation.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Hey JL!!<P>Yes, it has been a long time... and yes, the marriage is over- haven't signed the papers yet but I am in no hurry. I even am starting dating again (so technically right now I am a married man with an affair- lol).<P>It still hurts though, and I hope that BIET (kinda like this name better) can some day come in terms with his new situation.<P>BIET: there are very few things that I can advise; I read your posts and I see the same language that I used, the same insecurities, the same fears, the same hope; it doesn't really matter if we are good or bad looking, tall or short, thin or fat, if we have strong or weak muscles: been betrayed makes us feel devaluated, worthless to certain degree and hopeless… been left for someone of the same sex than the spouse also makes us feel very confused and frustrated because we KNOW that in most cases for the spouse there is no turning back. Also after months of thinking and <B>remembering old lessons</B> I have come to realize that there is little advise I can give; <B>the answers are YOUR answers, the REAL answer is within, not without</B> but don't travel this journey alone- get counseling form a professional, being this a priest, a sociologist, a psychiatrist, they'll help you understand YOUR feelings and YOU will find the right answers (and no, it doesn't really matter if the counselor is male or female as long as he/she makes you feel comfortable, if is a good listener and a patient & compassionate human being.<P>Take care of your self, BIET, don't think too much, let your positive feelings flow…<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Alex<P>PS: JL, I hope you are doing fine.<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>


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