I'm new here...This is my first time posting. Any advice is appreciated whether good or bad. I have an affair late year and it lasted only 1 mo. When H found out, I stopped and have no connection whatsoever with the OM. H moved out a couple day after D-Day. I asked him and begged him to stayed and talked it out but he refused and said our relationship is over. I was devasted and depressed. I know it was wrong and asked H to forgive but to no avail. H is filing for divorce. We've been married for 7 years this June. I called him every day but all I get back was him cursing, yelling and screaming at me and verbally abusing me. I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to give my marriage a second chance...but how? I tried being patient and have him verbally abusing me. I love him very much and I know I hurt him deeply. I want to make it up. Unfortunatly, he's not willing to give our marriage a chance. I'm currently going to counseling but he's not willing to get any counseling at all. All he thinks about is D. Please help!<BR>

I am curious as to why you had an affair if you loved your husband. You must have known that having an affair could devastate your husband and cause him deep agony. Did you look at the sexual encounters with the OM as some kind of innocent extracurricular activities. Did you think that your husband would forgive you if he found out about your affair. Why would you risk your marriage? Just curious.

Davy,<P>First I will say that if you are truly remorseful, you must not rush your H. I know you say that all he's thinking about is a divorce, but right now the pain is so fresh for him. He's hurt and and its only the people that are close to you that can hurt you so deeply. And this is what you have done to your H. Trust me, I am in no place to judge. I am both betrayer and betrayed so I do know how it is to be in your shoes as well as your H's. You need to allow him to vent, allow him time to think things through in his own time. This is something that you are going to have to be very patient with if you want your marriage to work. <P>Continue to go to counselling to work through your own issues, especially as to why you had the affair in the first place and also the guilt you feel. <P>This isn't going to be easy. Try to read as much as you can on this site. I would if I were in your shoes immediately start Plan A. I would not discuss the divorce with him and delay it as much as you can at this point. I strongly believe that all marriages have the potential to survive an affair. <P>Right now the decision does lie with your H. It's time to work your butt off and prove to him in actions, not words, that your marriage is worth the fight, because right now he feels as if the seven years didn't mean diddly to you. ANd I'm sure that;s not the case. A bad decision can affect the rest of your life, but you have the power in your hands on how you will allow it to affect you! Try to forgive yourself. And try not to talk so much about the marriage. Just be the wife to your husband that he needs you to be. I don't know what led up to your affair, but it doesn't really matter at this point. Right now you have to show your H that the marriage is worth the fight and then you all can discuss both yours and his shortcomings and go from there.<P>I hope this helps and good luck to you....<BR> <P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Davy,<P>As a betrayed H, I know what pain your H is going through. The betrayal, loss of trust and respect, and those nagging thoughts of you with an OM are causing him severe pain and depression right now. He probably sees this as you ripping his heart from his chest and making him watch as it slowly stops beating. The only way that he seems to be able to deal with the pain, is to get angry at you.<P>He does not see yet how fortunate he is that you still would like to rebuild your marriage. My STBXW doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Give him some time and space. Be there for him to vent. This does not mean you have to tolerate the nasty, belittling language from him, but show him you are still there. Read everything you can on this site, and start Plan A. It might even be a good idea to get the book <I><B>Surving An Affair</B></I>. Also the people on the <B>Emotional Needs</B> board are very insightful. Most are still working on getting their spouses back. You will get alot of good information there. Good Luck.<P>Griz<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.<P>[This message has been edited by Griz (edited March 16, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Griz (edited March 16, 2001).]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Guess what happen last, I was served with the divorce paper. In there her wants <BR>1. full custody of my child<BR>2. pay him for salary difference (alimony)<BR>3. pay for all attorney cost<BR>4. give me only visistion rights<BR>I was in tear when I saw this...I didn't think it would happen so quick like this...I thought he would talk to me first before he does anything but I guess he didn't. He think he making the wisest decision.<P>I understand every view point exactly. I know exactly how H feels about this affair. I know he doesn't want to forgive me for what I've done but I will still keep on trying like everyone suggested.<P>Actually, it wasn't really an affair. My H and I got into a big argument about him being so jealous of my co-worker. I told him I have nothing going on but he also accuse me of flirting around. I told him, I'm married and I go to work and not to a bar be real. So one day, he move out, I was mad and begged him to come back home but he refused. For a whole week, he made me cried non-stop because of his action. So finally, I gave up and went out with an ex-co-worker and slept with him. I didn't enjoy it at all. I was in tear. I did it because I was so angry at H and his behavior. I know it was wrong. I came back home apolgize to H but he didn't take my apology. <P>Now, I'm serve with this divorce paper. What should I do? Go ahead with the proceeding or what? I'm confused and fustrated.

As a new user myself, I may not have the advice you want. First of all, I believe that there is always hope. I told my STBXW that the door is always open for her to change her mind. My wife did not have an affair but she was as distructive. Now when we are talking about settleing finance she doesn't think I'm fair. I tell her it was here choice to leave, just as it was your choice to fool around, made your bed now lay in it.<P>Still hope the best for you and you'll be in my prayers.

Davy, First off I know what your going through. Been there, done that and your in for a rough ride. My ex did the exact same thing upon my telling him of my affair. I was served divorce papers within one-two weeks. He too wanted full custody, spousal maintenance and me to pay for his attorney. Most attorney's put that last two statements in their divorce papers and usually it means nothing. If you both have an income the judge will make you each pay your own attorney fees. Do you have an attorney? If you don't, you better get one. What State do you live in? How old are your children? Who is the primary care giver? Davy, if your husband is anything like my ex your divorce could be a long and draining process. I hope for the sake of you all he comes to his senses. Some courts make you go to mediation and that might be very helpful for the two of you. I do want to tell you to NOT let your guilt cause you to do things that you'll regret for the rest of your life. If you have an e-mail maybe I could help you out that way. I'll be out of the office in a couple of hours and won't return until Monday but let me know. Try to slow the divorce process down because right now (like other posters told you) he's hurting through his anger. Maybe time will allow some of the anger to clear and you'll be able to talk more.

BonnieSept-<P>Here's my e-mail: daphnel72@hotmail.com<P>Thanks for the advice.