i really want to share a lot of things from this site with my stbxh... i would like him to come into the forums here and read and possibly post, but i can't do it because he already knows my screen name because it is the same as my e-mail address... not good at change... i'll buy the same shoe in 3 different colors... <P>i want him to come here and gain some insight, but he will instanly see my posts and read and i think draw some negetive conclusions, or be offended that i have told people about him... please advise... we are playing around with being back together. even though the d process is complete and my d will be final any day now... <P>we have lots of issues and i believe this can be as helpful to him as it is to me... if we do reconcile i want there to be some healing involved... i don't want to get into the same sick/toxic, tat for tat crap we have been going through all these years... please help...

bumping myself...<P>really need suggestions...

the only way to do this without educating your spouse, which is a LB, is to leave copies of threads, that you think are relevant to him, around the house so that he will find them, and pique his interest and read them, without you knowing about it, or looking interested.<P>that's the only successful way around the LB.<P>good luck!<P>WIFTTy<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited September 06, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>the only way to do this without educating your spouse, which is a LB, is to leave copies of threads, that you think are relevant to him, around the house so that he will find them, and pique his interest and read them, without you knowing about it, or looking interested.<P>that's the only successful way around the LB.<P>good luck!<P>WIFTTy<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>thanks for the response, but that didn't really answer my question... i have already given him copies of threads and he already receives the monthly newsletter... i know he is open to this, and i am not forcing anything on him that he doesn't want to do, but i want him to be able to come here too... should i change my name???

I had the same thought, but my wife hasn't been here yet.<P>I'm really not sure if I can help, but I think it might be possible to create a new UserName if you have a separate email address. Is this right? If you want to have your own email address, I'm sure you can get one by going to one of the many free email sites that are scattered around the Internet. For Example, Yahoo and hotmail (www.hotmail.com) <P>I think you can create one (or more) email accounts for yourself on hotmail, then use those accounts when you register as a member here.<P>I may be really wrong about this, and a moderator may be able to correct me if this is not possible or wrong.<P>jim

Idostylin and Jim-Arlington-VA:<P>Okay, I'm going to be gutsy here and let you guys know something. My spousal unit not only has looked around here on MB and seen everything I have written, he continues to lurk and occasionally posts! <P>Now, at first I felt a bit uncomfortable because the style with which I had written AT FIRST was almost like journaling--I didn't edit, I didn't consider his side, I didn't write anything except exactly what I was feeling as I was feeling it. To be honest, some of that stuff might have been difficult for him to read, because it was so much of my own thoughts and pain that I was fairly focused on myself. I'm sure you two know what I mean. Also, at that point in my life, I was just learning about the MB concepts and how to save a relationship and stuff--I wasn't very mature or wise in those things. <P>However, now I have completely openned myself up to letting him see what I have written. Some of it is not pretty, because to be honest, some of what was and is going on inside of me is not pretty, and I feel like he needs to know that. The funny thing is, now we have discovered that sometimes when we reach an impass talking to each other live and in person, we can write our issue here on MB and not only get responses from you'all that support us and encourage us and challenge us, but we can also write to each other "anonymously" and it takes a little of the defensiveness and personalizing away. <P>Just consider this one thought. If you two think your spouses are interested in peeking in here at MB, you may want to consider letting them--letting them see the hurt and pain and sorrow and anger that you have felt. It's scary, I know, but you may want to consider it. I can honestly say that I do not feel "inhibited" or "discouraged" from being completely honest because my spouse is here--in fact, in some ways it's easier to say it anonymously here than to his face. <P>Well, it's just a thought. If they want to come on, let them come on--just prepare them a little for what you wrote. Know what I mean? <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

i guess that makes since... <P>but i feel like he might e angry if he reads some of the things i wrote... we have problems with arguing and disagreeing over differences in opinion and perspective... so because we don't agree it causes arguments...<P>plus, he will know it is me, but i won't know it is him... do your h know it is you and you it is him???<P>i want to share, but i don;t want to make it worse than it already is...

I think youll know it is him by the content and style of words. You'll know it is him.

I agree...my h would know it was me just by the content, but he would have an idea of my user name. I haven't directed him to this site, but a while ago I suspected him of looking up my history on the new....so I think if he has read my posts, well so what. He knows I need all the support I can get, and if it truly bothered him, he would have said by now.<P>I'm curious, CJ, what handle does your h use?

idostylin and Nina too, <P>You know, when my H first started to come on and read what I had written, I was afraid too. Remember, at that time he was still being verbally abusive and very aggressive, so I was taking quite a risk opening up that much. Anyway, I tried to prepare him so that he would realize that at first, I wrote here almost like a journal--no self-editing and EXACTLY what I thought and felt. It was a little raw, but then again, my feelings were a little raw!!<P>Anyway, he knows my screen name and I know his screen name, and on occasion he even writes to me. The wierd thing is, although I still write what I think and feel, I do feel a little less "sneaky" or whatever, because now I can't "get caught"--he knows what I write! Also, sometimes he can write what HE feels and I had no idea that he felt like that. It's silly, but sometimes it's easier to empathize with and understand a total stranger than my own H!<P>Anyway, when he first started reading I was afraid he would be mad too. I was afraid he would take it all wrong and there would be screaming for days, but there wasn't. Also, just so ya know, he knew my screen name, but I didn't know it was him for about a week or two--eventually I did put two and two together. For me, the hardest part is having him be able to see all the pain and sorrow that I feel, yet in a way, isn't that what intimacy really is? Showing your WHOLE ENTIRE SELF, good and bad, to another human being? <P>Nina, I'll ask him if he wants me to tell you'all his screen name, but if not, I'll just keep it to myself so he feels comfortable lurking around and writing when he does. Okay? <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

That's a good idea CJ. I don't want to invade his privacy...be nice if he said okay so we could get his perspective, and we could maybe help a bit more.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by idostylin:<BR>[B]i really want to share a lot of things from this site with my stbxh... <P>I have a question. What does stbxh stand for? I have a feeling the last letters may be ex husband. Anyway just curious.<P>ANNA

Anna,<P>It stands for soon to be ex husband...idostylin had a post on abbreviations last week...can't remember what it's called though.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Anna,<P>It stands for soon to be ex husband...idostylin had a post on abbreviations last week...can't remember what it's called though.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HEHEHE<BR>Thanks Nina, it seems all to clear now. Laughin'.<BR>ANNA<BR>

Hi,<BR>Now that Nina helped me with what STBXH stands for. I agree with CJ, I think it might be a good idea. Of course you know him better than me so it would have to be your decision but i think he may get mad at first but in the long run if he is your soon to be ex i would say it sounds like it would be worth a gamble to possibly save your marriage.<P>Good luck!<BR>ANNA<P>