I posted this on "General Questions" in response to someone else who was seeking advice on dealing with spouse like mine. HELP!!<p>I am in the same boat. After 4 months of not snooping & him dismissing D he filed, I find out he's still at it. He recently went to conference out of town for 3rd time. Aiport is 1+hrs drive away, also where he works now. Each time, he told me he would not be home as he had to "meet his
supervisor" "prepare for a meeting" and lastly, "catch up on some work". I opened my soul to him
onphone saying I would not ask questions about "the past" (affair) and cant we work it out. @
weeks ago he got jealous of a male relative of mine (!) and said lets work it out. When I asked
questions he got pissed & took it all back. He denies affair adamently.<p>Well, I got suspicious of this conference returning crap & drove over to OW's place late at night when he shouldve been at hotel in other town ready to go to work. His truck was there!!! This is in our hometown. He mustve heard my car engine cause he came zooming home & said he just had to stop by OW's to "ask her a question about work"!!! You mean it couldnt wait til 8AM next morning & call her at work!?? But still, she last worked where he is now, 5 years ago. Project manager my eye! Im sure someone in the other town in new job could answer it. I'll bet there was no question. He just got busted after another 4 months of lying.<p>And he makes me doubt myself after all I have seen to be true with my own eyes and/ heard from people close to the source.<p>I can't cut myself off & not talk to him or do things for him. WHY NOT! I am so mad at myself.
He needs to be kicked from here to kingdom come. Let OW do his laundry, buy his groceries, take care of him when he is sick and let HER listen to his constant complaining and paranoia.<p>I sensed she is a hooker in her bedroom manners. We were intimate once and he was WAY different & impersonal (wham bam). Also, OW's ex-H told me stuff.<p>AARGH! Help me let go!! No response from him from Plan A type behavior on my part. HE sleeps
on floor & doesnt talk to me but 2 words. ANd I cant Plan B because he denies affair and
apparently has not stopped it yet! ANd he lives at home with me. I want to continue living at home. He threatens to fight me on it & says I cant afford it. Has tried to talk me into selling it. (Probably so him & her can get new house with the profits). I'll be darned if I move out & let OW move in with him in my house!!

You have the power, you are just chosing not to use it. The results.....you get hurt time and time again.<p>You have the power to get out of the "limbo" you just have to do it!<p>Your actions or inactions enable your husband to continue his selfish behavior. He is far from hitting bottom and you are constantly there with the safety net. <p>Do you see the cycle?<p>We can all tell you the specific physical actions you need to take to get out, but you are the one who ultimalty decides to do it!!<p>Is the pain of remaining in the relationship greater than the pain of leaving?<p>What personal growth is occuring for you inside the relationship?<p>You are LBing everywhere. You are not following plan A so why not move to plan B? So what if he deny's the affair. Plan B is about allowing your love for him to fade so as to protect YOU!
Think of his disrespect for you as his mistress and tell him that he can't come home until he treats you with the respect and caring you deserve.<p>You have the power Cantletgo. You just have to decide when to use it.<p>You are letting your fear control you and fear causes pain in your life. You fear the unknown but can it really be much worse than what you have now? Think of the relief you will feel when you no longer obsess about your WH and the OW and work on you.<p>Why are you so afraid to be with you? You are a good person and at least you won't cheat on yourself.<p>Do you want to win this one battle or do you want to win the war? The choice is yours.<p>OKAY, stepping off the soapbox.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{CANTLETGO}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Take Care

<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> Boo Hoo. No, just kidding. I know you are mostly right & frustrated at seeing me where I was a year ago, almost. I just dont want to move out & lose the house. I want desperately for his to take responsibilty for his own actions, just once! So that he can't blame divorce on me. He has to be the one. But He told me last night, he'll likely find an apt. this weekend. I did not cry or ask why or beg. I asked him general chat about apt. I think he will refile for divorce soo then too. If I ask where he went (on a bike ride - he bought a motorcycle!) he gets defensive. THis has been his habit when he is lying - gets overly so. Then says he'll fight me & kick me out of the house & take everything. Now I know the judge would prevent that (no fault state), but I dont want to be forced to sell it.<p>I havent been able to let go of wanting to protect him. I cant let go of wanting to see OW suffer & be in more pain than I have been in. I know H's guilt is causing him pain (good!). I want their little fantasy land to fizzle out.<p>I guess what I am afraid of is letting go of my love for him only to have him realize what a mistake he made & want to work it out, only it will be too late. I am afraid I would not be able to say NO. Of course I admonished GSN (Emotional Needs Board) for trying too hard, so now I need to put my money where my mouth is.<p>I dont really think I had been lovebusting in his presence. The only wrong thing I did was give in to my suspicion & drive over there. But I found him there, after all these 4 months. See, He denies it adamently & makes me doubt myself. When & if he starts to "talk" to me which is never more than a blame game from him, I get defensive. I have tried & tried to walk away & tell him I'll talk about it later, when I dont feel so upset, but he follows me around the house on my tail & wont let up - not even if I sit on the potty. That & if I try to leave the house at that time, he'll take my purse or car keys or something & not let m e get out til he "talks to me" & proceeds to yell & scream & blame me for everything. It is so hard living with Jekyl & Hyde [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I lost my grandparents who raised me within 2 yrs of each other. Then forced to leave only home I had known as it was sold & pets put to sleep & move from other country to here when I was 17. (almost 40 now). I never had counseling & never really got over that grief. So the thought of losing my only family of 15 yrs (H) and the house AGAIN has opened up that can of worms too, I guess. I have been thru so much pain & loss in my life I cant face anymore. I guess I had thought unconciously that ignoring the inevitable would save me from that. <p>Did I mention we were both virgins (really!) til we were getting married. So you see, I have NEVER been with anyone else & cant face those thoughts. It is the ultimate betrayal, that he has. I am not a prude. I was game for anything in that way! I coulve pulled out the victorias secret/priscillas stuff & tried it out. But he never asked me to, never wanted me to. ALl of a sudden SHE does it & its magic. I was always quiet, so Im sure OW has watched one too many porno movies & screams her head off, faking it. ANd fool-of-mine-H believes it!!<p>I was doing okay, before christmas when he left the first time. But maybe it was in the back of my mind that he would come back. & he did, but after the first 2 weeks, things were the same as old, almost. But hes leaving again, sometime soon. I have to find it in me not to cave when he starts pulling the sympathy strings - and boy, he does! When I told him after a bad argument that he mustve come back just to get me to sell the house (after H with OW other night), he was crying & saying how could I think he would do such a thing!! Well, I never thought he would betray me sexually either!!<p>God, I'm a mess. AARGH. But not breaking down crying etc. I am intentionally focused on all this, these days, trying to understand myself out loud. See, H really has NO ONE else. His parents deceased etc. Only me and this yr he sought out OW I think for sex and conversation where her opinions/feedback never questioned/opposed his. How she keeps up the game, I will never know.
I guess I need to let him depend on her 100% by not doing anything for him & let their fantasy come crashing down. <p>Okay, you can throw something at the screen to hit me now! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]