I just wanna ask if there is any OW out there what kind of pleasure do feel when you take one's husband and destroy their home. What kind of feelings do you feel when taking a wife's home and husband. How does it make you feel to put their children through that. tell me, if any of you could feel the grief and pain i am going thru, would you do it to someone else. My H has filed for divorve, i have my daughter, however the OW is living in what use to be our home, i found out for sure today. I wish that god would take me away but then i look at my daughter and i can't go. I married thinking it is a marriage which is supposed to last a lifetime. I have nothing today, yet he is torturing me making me suffer even now. Tell me doesn't he even feel guilty for what he has done to me, the pain he has caused me.

I'm very sorry for the pain you're feeling at the moment. However, please try and remember that your H was a participant in this and you do not know what he was saying at the time. When my partner and I became involved he was quite clear that his M was already over - otherwise our relationship would never have begun. He was sincere and he was the one that pursued me, not vice versa, and believe me it took a LOT of persuasion.<p>Yes, I was the OW, and my partner and I have been living together for 3 years now. I sincerely believe that no-one goes out to wreck a home or a marriage. My partner and I have talked at length about this - our only regret is that he did not leave the M before we began our relationship - that would have been the more healthy thing to do. He spent years in a loveless marriage, and felt very resentful. His ex had been married before, with a daughter from the previous marriage. He supported the daughter, and the W indicated that she wanted to better herself and get a good job when they married. Instead she decided to stay home and live off his earnings, or rather spend them all. They were constantly in debt, and he'd find out when she asked him to pay her bills. This woman wanted a ticket to a free life, and he was sick of providing it - he refused to enable her, but she would not change. She had no respect for him, and badmouthed him in front of friends and family. We don't live in his old home - actually I supported him to begin with and we have an equal partnership now and we have now bought a home together. We will be marrying shortly.<p>Incidentally, I have no respect for his ex-wife whatsoever. Yes, I've spoken to her when she called. Why did she call? Not to say that she loved her husband and wanted him back. No - to say that she was never going to divorce him because he had to pay for her til the end of her days. His parents are ecstatic that he's left and refer to her as the "moneysponger". She dragged out the divorce so as to get the maximum amount from his pension (which she didn't get) though he happily gave her the house and insurance policies to basically get rid of her and provide a secure home for his own daughter who is now 12 and a lovely girl. I won't even begin to cover the PAS his daughter has been subjected to.<p>My partner and I have taken our relationship very slowly. My own marriage ended after 9 years of domestic violence and we are simply happy being together. We've both had bad experiences and neither of us would have taken the plunge into marrying again without living together first. We are getting married shortly, and to be honest, have never been happier. It's so refreshing to be in a relationship with open communication and commitment to each other.<p>Re: your comment on guilt. Yes, he felt guilty for leaving his daughter, but over the last few years he's seen how much happier his daughter is since the time he left, and he spends more quality time with her than when he was in the same house all the time with all the fighting that went on before. He feels no guilt towards the ex - if anything his eyes have been opened even more towards her "money motivated behaviour" and that she didn't really care about the marriage in the first place.<p>I know that every situation is unique and I hope you find peace in yourself and direct your anger towards being positive.<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: cerelia ]</p>

nezi...<p>be careful who you ask for advice and help here. most ow are so caught up in their justifications for destroying families they have absolutley no guilt or remorse, as you see here by cerelia's statements. talk to others here in your shoes, not those that take and destroy families, begrudging ex-wives and children the money and possessions they are due to take care of themselves and their children. ow will do or say anything to make what they did "right". until they are in your shoes and they get cheated on they will never understand. hope you're ok nezi.<p>~allison

Cerelia,
Congratulations on getting your MM to marry you ! You must be so proud. Unfortunately for you, your former position as the OW is now open!!
Come on back when your new husband has finished filling that position.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

"most ow are so caught up in their justifications for destroying families they have absolutley no guilt or remorse, as you see here by cerelia's statements."<p>What a mean comment to make to cerelia. You are over generalizing, az allison, EMA's are all different, you cannot make blanket statements about them.<p>Nezi, I've read your posts, you seem like a nice person. You're right, you and your baby don't deserve this. The good news is, your life isn't ruined and your baby's life isn't ruined either. He may have ruined his, but by the time he figures that one out, he may be out of your life already. From your posts, it seems like you want to save your marriage. Be careful that in trying to save your marriage, you don't lose yourself.<p>Good luck, nezi.

looks like the TOW board strikes again. (yawn)

What's the TOW board?

tortoiseshell just first registered this morning, and immediately comes to this post about OW?? Hmm.. wonder why??<p>az allison, yes, you are right !

this is to cerelia....<p>i'm sure my H is telling the OW lies too, but you when i married him, i gave him my life savings to pay off his debts, i borrowed money from my mother to pay off his parents debt, this is my first marriage, in my culture, our parents arrange marriages, he convinced my parents he was perfect, i sponsored him for a greencard, this is how bad he used me, then now he leaves me with a 4 month daughter, which he feels is a burden and not a blessing, while my pregnancy, he was out clubing while i stayed home, i cooked cleaned at home, which now the OW is staying with him, you tell me is this what i deserve, he was my first love, i spent 4 years with him, and i still can't let go i have been living in my parents home for 8 months now, with no money and he sends me nothing for my daughter, i feel that he used me, took everything i had, my dignity, pride, and you justify doing what you did, your person left his marriage for you, why didn't he leave the marriage before he met you, tell me? WHY? ASK HIM? He found someone to replace his wife, remember what goes around comes around.

tortoiseshell,
TOW board is www.gloryb.com. It is a safe place for TOW to find support.<p>nezi,
You can go there too if you are curious about TOW. It is best to talk to TOW on TOW board and not invite them to the marriagebuilders site. I think it will answer your questions. In a nutshell: they don't care about you and they don't feel guilty about what they have done. If you keep reading here you will see that MOST WS do someday wake up and see the pain they have caused but it is not until long after BS is over them and moved on. I'm sorry for your pain. Focus on healing you and you will get through this. You can have a happy fulfilled life with or without your H. It will hurt like HE!! for awhile but it does get better.

I'm not responding as OW because I'm a guy, but I can give you some current true accounts of my friends that betrayed there spouses who got stung from there actions.<p>1. One christain friend Dv'ed his wife, married OW, said it was the right thing to do at the time, felt proud. As time went by the God started telling him he was wrong and he felt convicted. He and OW started fighting alot, OW started hating him so much she wished he was dead. He felt so rejected by OW and the guilt of leaving his 1st wife for no reason at all he started taking valumes, more and more until they no longer eased his emotional pain and he OD'ed. The OW watched him as he was dying and planned to collect the insurance money, when he passed out she left town expecting a burial and planned to return and collect money when returned later. Well he died pronounced dead and he saw himself descending into hell in cold dark place and he began to scream out to God and the lord saved him brought him back to life, he was carried in church on a stretcher not able to walk, barely alive and repented unto God and told his 1st wife he was sorry for what he did, he DV'ed OW, remarried 1st wife, they are now happy he says he's at peace being back in the will of God, he said he tormented everyday with images of his 1st wife everywhere he turned, she was in the bedroom, bathroom, McDonalds, when kissed OW, making love, he couldn't shake it.<p>2. Cousin left W for OW, he regretts what he did, he's been crying for the past 2 years for what he did, he lost 2 houses, great job, cars....His life became ruined. When my WW cheated on me and he found out he was the first to run to my rescue, I never knew he was considered the OM through his ordeal, but he said whatever you do don't leave the house and seperate but stay and fight it as long as you can, he said eventhough he had marriage problems he jumpped out to soon, he said he should have gone to counseling and got help now he's miserable and regrets the mistakes of entangling with OW.....This weekend I'm going to call him and see how he's doing, I may have more info to share...<p>3. Have a friend I just met and was told that him and his current wife has been married 2 years. I was told he came from perfectly happy marriage and left 1st wife for this current W. I don't know what to think now, they are miserable as a couple, she feels no connection to his house or kids, she's ready to run... she knows his exw and now she's in the picture in her house. I told a friend of mine this marriage is in serious trouble but what can you do when you know it was started from deceit and betrayal? The whole foundation is wrong...I feel okward knowing she's the OW, one day I'll find out more details but what I've been told so far ain't pretty and the OW is pretty distant in this marriage.<p>4. Sister meet a guy that the family didn't approve of, he wasn't right from the start, he looked shady. He treated her kids mean and they hated him. He begin to control sister, sell drugs and had a bad temper. 2 weeks ago my sister said he flared in anger and she threw a glass of water on him in defense and she said he begin to growl and sneer and hollar like something from the excortsis and she said she saw the devil display in him, like nothing she's ever seen in her life, she marveled at what she saw and while he was in his fit she put him out of the house and called the police. Now they're DV'ing after 1 year of marriage....<p>Sorry this a long response but I have'nt seen a wayward spouse leave out of betrayal yet that has'nt come to reality of what they done. As you begin to see on this site the betrayer always regretts later when playhouse time sets in.

thank you, i know i've been separated for a while now and i should try to move on, but until this day i still can't sleep through the night. keep praying he will come back, sometimes i feel like i'm losing faith in god. the divorce isn't final yet, so i'm still hanging on this tiny piece of thread, i can't find it in my heart to let go. i can't do it. although i think they want to get married, thats why he's trying to make it go so fast. i need prayers right now. does anyone know, percentage of people who do divorce spouses for other man/woman. from all the stories i heard, usually, WS comes back to the marriage,

You said: You keep praying for him to come back and you fear your losing your faith in God. <p>Please don't let your marriage or divorce determine your relationship with God. That is what I did. I was going to "throw in the towel" on my relationship with Christ if my marriage wasn't restored. That is putting my marriage at a higher level or more importance than God. It was some of my darkest days. But now I know, with or with out my H, I am a Christian. <p>IMHO, You need to give him up BEFORE God will restore anything and even then, there are no guarantees. IMHO, I don't think you can have a healthy marriage without the mindset that you can be happy and fullfilled with or without your spouse. Me and my H are in real good recovery right now. I love him more than I have in a long time. But you should really focus on acceptance and growing and having a life without him before thinking about having him back. Are you in counseling?

actually, you're right, it just that i keep praying and feel like my prayers are just unanswered. i am thinking about counseling, can't afford it so i have to find some kind of free counseling right now, i'm looking for a full time position, i graduate in december. Could you tell me how you are begun reconciling. Whether you initiated or your spouse?

I stopped focusing on my husband and my marriage. I got a life - went out with friends. I went to church, found a relationship with Jesus. I cried a lot and mourned the death of my marriage. I prepared for the worse. I got in counseling. Then my H pursued me. But it is not a game to play. There really are no guarantees. God already know the outcome of the type of man your H will be. Maybe he is not good for you. Why would you want someone back who is disrespecting you this way? There are a lot of good books on recovering for yourself. <p>Here is a list of a few:
"Love must be Tough" by James Dobson
"Safe People" by Cloude and Townsend
"Boundaries" by Cloude and Townsend
"Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie<p>Here are some articles by Cloude and Townsend
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm<p>I'm sorry you are here. I know you are in a LOT of pain. It is worse to be a BS than it is to have a spouse die. You have to cry over it like he is dead but even when someone dies you have to pick up the pieces and put your life back together and find joy again. Try and pursue happiness. antidepressants will help too!!!! Take care of you, get rest, excercise, eat right, go out, have fun, laugh and cry.<p>Hang in there.

TAF: I'm a long time lurker to these boards. I've done Plan A AND Plan B with success, thank you. I registered this morning because of the original post by nezi, yes. Why didn't I register sooner? I was happy just reading posts. Nezi's posts seem so anguished that I wanted to be able to say something to her, especially since her post sat here for a while with no response. I think it took a lot for cerelia to post on this board that she was an OW, knowing what kind of people come here (anti-OW). I feel for nezi, what happened to her was wrong.<p>I LuvNprotect ME: I wasn't invited here by her post, it's irrelevant if I am a BS, WS, or OW. The point of me posting was to reach out to nezi. Apparently, for some unknown reason, I am not welcome to do so.

Nezi<p>Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond earlier. Your circumstances are very, very different and what happened to you shouldn't have. I feel very sorry for you and hope your H comes to his senses and realises the hurt that he's put you through. All I'm saying is that I think it's inappropriate to channel all the anger towards the OW - the H is often the one who plays the bigger part in an affair. Why only blame the OW?<p>You have been treated terribly. But you asked a question regarding did the OW feel guilt. If my partner had been in a happy marriage I would not have been involved with him at all. When he first chased me I was not interested in a relationship at all - he was married. I then refused to see him or contact him for almost a year. At that time he came back saying that he had left and did I wish to pursue a relationship with him. I'll point out now that a divorce can take 5 years in my country. If my partner had not been so adamant that there was no marriage to begin with we would never have been involved in the first place. It's not a case of justifying whether the affair should have taken place - I need no justification within myself - just as I feel no guilt for leaving my H after the way he treated me. Life is too short to be a permanent victim. However I feel no guilt towards his ex-wife - in her case, I feel nothing but contempt for a woman who has set out to ensnare a man in this way. If anything I would liken her more to you H - she used him to get what she wanted. He simply had enough of it.<p>I almost deleted my post after posting - I wasn't trying to bait anyone,nor make you feel bad Nezi - I was just trying to bring another viewpoint and perhaps that was a bad decision.<p>TAF
I have no doubts as towards my partner's faithfulness, nor has it been me pushing for marriage. I've not "got him to marry me" - did you "get your spouse to marry you"? It's a very derogatory statement to make. I'm sorry you feel so bitter. We are merely happy, and want to make the commitment to each other as life partners.<p>Peace to you all

All you OW tell the same old story. I've been here for awhile as you can see and I have yet to see an OW who didn't think her situation was different. And all OW think BW are bitter talk about stereotyping. Blah, blah blah And ya it was a bad decision to post here that goes w/o saying.
But then that doesn't surprise me considering what you are.
[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</p>

Then people here shouldn't ask Q's directly of OW - if you don't want responses then don't ask. I came to look at the "living together before marriage" board and looked into "divorcing/divorced" as that fitted my situation.<p>As for sterotyping - I'm not presuming to say that all BS's are bitter - TAF and yourself obviously are, that's been demonstrated. You don't want to see anything other than what you want to. Stereotyping is extremely inaccurate. Not all situations fit into such a neat scheme of things. <p>az allison<p>Sorry - I missed your earlier comment.Please do not think that I begrudge my future step-daughter one penny - she is a lovely girl. My partner gave his ex the house, the endowments and took on all the debts from the M, as well as paying more than the legal amount of child support. We are taking D on holiday in two weeks time - this is the first time we've been able to afford it. I pity the next man my partner's ex tries to "leech" - she deserves nothing, but for the child's sake she will benefit in the short term. C'est la vie.<p>I pity all of you that can't see past the stereotyping. I sincerely hope you find peace in yourselves.<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: cerelia ]</p>

You have just proven my point whenever an OW hears the truth about themselves they all come back with the bitter thing. Can't you think of anything more original? LOL If you do please post so I can get a good laugh! Please don't waste your pity on me save it for yourself you need it more than anybody! <p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</p>