any OW out there? I have a few Questions????

I just wanna ask if there is any OW out there what kind of pleasure do feel when you take one's husband and destroy their home. What kind of feelings do you feel when taking a wife's home and husband. How does it make you feel to put their children through that. tell me, if any of you could feel the grief and pain i am going thru, would you do it to someone else. My H has filed for divorve, i have my daughter, however the OW is living in what use to be our home, i found out for sure today. I wish that god would take me away but then i look at my daughter and i can't go. I married thinking it is a marriage which is supposed to last a lifetime. I have nothing today, yet he is torturing me making me suffer even now. Tell me doesn't he even feel guilty for what he has done to me, the pain he has caused me.

I'm very sorry for the pain you're feeling at the moment. However, please try and remember that your H was a participant in this and you do not know what he was saying at the time. When my partner and I became involved he was quite clear that his M was already over - otherwise our relationship would never have begun. He was sincere and he was the one that pursued me, not vice versa, and believe me it took a LOT of persuasion.Yes, I was the OW, and my partner and I have been living together for 3 years now. I sincerely believe that no-one goes out to wreck a home or a marriage. My partner and I have talked at length about this - our only regret is that he did not leave the M before we began our relationship - that would have been the more healthy thing to do. He spent years in a loveless marriage, and felt very resentful. His ex had been married before, with a daughter from the previous marriage. He supported the daughter, and the W indicated that she wanted to better herself and get a good job when they married. Instead she decided to stay home and live off his earnings, or rather spend them all. They were constantly in debt, and he'd find out when she asked him to pay her bills. This woman wanted a ticket to a free life, and he was sick of providing it - he refused to enable her, but she would not change. She had no respect for him, and badmouthed him in front of friends and family. We don't live in his old home - actually I supported him to begin with and we have an equal partnership now and we have now bought a home together. We will be marrying shortly.Incidentally, I have no respect for his ex-wife whatsoever. Yes, I've spoken to her when she called. Why did she call? Not to say that she loved her husband and wanted him back. No - to say that she was never going to divorce him because he had to pay for her til the end of her days. His parents are ecstatic that he's left and refer to her as the "moneysponger". She dragged out the divorce so as to get the maximum amount from his pension (which she didn't get) though he happily gave her the house and insurance policies to basically get rid of her and provide a secure home for his own daughter who is now 12 and a lovely girl. I won't even begin to cover the PAS his daughter has been subjected to.My partner and I have taken our relationship very slowly. My own marriage ended after 9 years of domestic violence and we are simply happy being together. We've both had bad experiences and neither of us would have taken the plunge into marrying again without living together first. We are getting married shortly, and to be honest, have never been happier. It's so refreshing to be in a relationship with open communication and commitment to each other.Re: your comment on guilt. Yes, he felt guilty for leaving his daughter, but over the last few years he's seen how much happier his daughter is since the time he left, and he spends more quality time with her than when he was in the same house all the time with all the fighting that went on before. He feels no guilt towards the ex - if anything his eyes have been opened even more towards her "money motivated behaviour" and that she didn't really care about the marriage in the first place.I know that every situation is unique and I hope you find peace in yourself and direct your anger towards being positive.[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: cerelia ]

nezi...be careful who you ask for advice and help here. most ow are so caught up in their justifications for destroying families they have absolutley no guilt or remorse, as you see here by cerelia's statements. talk to others here in your shoes, not those that take and destroy families, begrudging ex-wives and children the money and possessions they are due to take care of themselves and their children. ow will do or say anything to make what they did "right". until they are in your shoes and they get cheated on they will never understand. hope you're ok nezi.~allison

Cerelia,
Congratulations on getting your MM to marry you ! You must be so proud. Unfortunately for you, your former position as the OW is now open!!
Come on back when your new husband has finished filling that position.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

"most ow are so caught up in their justifications for destroying families they have absolutley no guilt or remorse, as you see here by cerelia's statements."What a mean comment to make to cerelia. You are over generalizing, az allison, EMA's are all different, you cannot make blanket statements about them.Nezi, I've read your posts, you seem like a nice person. You're right, you and your baby don't deserve this. The good news is, your life isn't ruined and your baby's life isn't ruined either. He may have ruined his, but by the time he figures that one out, he may be out of your life already. From your posts, it seems like you want to save your marriage. Be careful that in trying to save your marriage, you don't lose yourself.Good luck, nezi.

looks like the TOW board strikes again. (yawn)

What's the TOW board?

tortoiseshell just first registered this morning, and immediately comes to this post about OW?? Hmm.. wonder why??az allison, yes, you are right !

this is to cerelia....i'm sure my H is telling the OW lies too, but you when i married him, i gave him my life savings to pay off his debts, i borrowed money from my mother to pay off his parents debt, this is my first marriage, in my culture, our parents arrange marriages, he convinced my parents he was perfect, i sponsored him for a greencard, this is how bad he used me, then now he leaves me with a 4 month daughter, which he feels is a burden and not a blessing, while my pregnancy, he was out clubing while i stayed home, i cooked cleaned at home, which now the OW is staying with him, you tell me is this what i deserve, he was my first love, i spent 4 years with him, and i still can't let go i have been living in my parents home for 8 months now, with no money and he sends me nothing for my daughter, i feel that he used me, took everything i had, my dignity, pride, and you justify doing what you did, your person left his marriage for you, why didn't he leave the marriage before he met you, tell me? WHY? ASK HIM? He found someone to replace his wife, remember what goes around comes around.

tortoiseshell,
TOW board is www.gloryb.com. It is a safe place for TOW to find support.nezi,
You can go there too if you are curious about TOW. It is best to talk to TOW on TOW board and not invite them to the marriagebuilders site. I think it will answer your questions. In a nutshell: they don't care about you and they don't feel guilty about what they have done. If you keep reading here you will see that MOST WS do someday wake up and see the pain they have caused but it is not until long after BS is over them and moved on. I'm sorry for your pain. Focus on healing you and you will get through this. You can have a happy fulfilled life with or without your H. It will hurt like HE!! for awhile but it does get better.

I'm not responding as OW because I'm a guy, but I can give you some current true accounts of my friends that betrayed there spouses who got stung from there actions.1. One christain friend Dv'ed his wife, married OW, said it was the right thing to do at the time, felt proud. As time went by the God started telling him he was wrong and he felt convicted. He and OW started fighting alot, OW started hating him so much she wished he was dead. He felt so rejected by OW and the guilt of leaving his 1st wife for no reason at all he started taking valumes, more and more until they no longer eased his emotional pain and he OD'ed. The OW watched him as he was dying and planned to collect the insurance money, when he passed out she left town expecting a burial and planned to return and collect money when returned later. Well he died pronounced dead and he saw himself descending into hell in cold dark place and he began to scream out to God and the lord saved him brought him back to life, he was carried in church on a stretcher not able to walk, barely alive and repented unto God and told his 1st wife he was sorry for what he did, he DV'ed OW, remarried 1st wife, they are now happy he says he's at peace being back in the will of God, he said he tormented everyday with images of his 1st wife everywhere he turned, she was in the bedroom, bathroom, McDonalds, when kissed OW, making love, he couldn't shake it.2. Cousin left W for OW, he regretts what he did, he's been crying for the past 2 years for what he did, he lost 2 houses, great job, cars....His life became ruined. When my WW cheated on me and he found out he was the first to run to my rescue, I never knew he was considered the OM through his ordeal, but he said whatever you do don't leave the house and seperate but stay and fight it as long as you can, he said eventhough he had marriage problems he jumpped out to soon, he said he should have gone to counseling and got help now he's miserable and regrets the mistakes of entangling with OW.....This weekend I'm going to call him and see how he's doing, I may have more info to share...3. Have a friend I just met and was told that him and his current wife has been married 2 years. I was told he came from perfectly happy marriage and left 1st wife for this current W. I don't know what to think now, they are miserable as a couple, she feels no connection to his house or kids, she's ready to run... she knows his exw and now she's in the picture in her house. I told a friend of mine this marriage is in serious trouble but what can you do when you know it was started from deceit and betrayal? The whole foundation is wrong...I feel okward knowing she's the OW, one day I'll find out more details but what I've been told so far ain't pretty and the OW is pretty distant in this marriage.4. Sister meet a guy that the family didn't approve of, he wasn't right from the start, he looked shady. He treated her kids mean and they hated him. He begin to control sister, sell drugs and had a bad temper. 2 weeks ago my sister said he flared in anger and she threw a glass of water on him in defense and she said he begin to growl and sneer and hollar like something from the excortsis and she said she saw the devil display in him, like nothing she's ever seen in her life, she marveled at what she saw and while he was in his fit she put him out of the house and called the police. Now they're DV'ing after 1 year of marriage....Sorry this a long response but I have'nt seen a wayward spouse leave out of betrayal yet that has'nt come to reality of what they done. As you begin to see on this site the betrayer always regretts later when playhouse time sets in.

thank you, i know i've been separated for a while now and i should try to move on, but until this day i still can't sleep through the night. keep praying he will come back, sometimes i feel like i'm losing faith in god. the divorce isn't final yet, so i'm still hanging on this tiny piece of thread, i can't find it in my heart to let go. i can't do it. although i think they want to get married, thats why he's trying to make it go so fast. i need prayers right now. does anyone know, percentage of people who do divorce spouses for other man/woman. from all the stories i heard, usually, WS comes back to the marriage,

You said: You keep praying for him to come back and you fear your losing your faith in God. Please don't let your marriage or divorce determine your relationship with God. That is what I did. I was going to "throw in the towel" on my relationship with Christ if my marriage wasn't restored. That is putting my marriage at a higher level or more importance than God. It was some of my darkest days. But now I know, with or with out my H, I am a Christian. IMHO, You need to give him up BEFORE God will restore anything and even then, there are no guarantees. IMHO, I don't think you can have a healthy marriage without the mindset that you can be happy and fullfilled with or without your spouse. Me and my H are in real good recovery right now. I love him more than I have in a long time. But you should really focus on acceptance and growing and having a life without him before thinking about having him back. Are you in counseling?

actually, you're right, it just that i keep praying and feel like my prayers are just unanswered. i am thinking about counseling, can't afford it so i have to find some kind of free counseling right now, i'm looking for a full time position, i graduate in december. Could you tell me how you are begun reconciling. Whether you initiated or your spouse?

I stopped focusing on my husband and my marriage. I got a life - went out with friends. I went to church, found a relationship with Jesus. I cried a lot and mourned the death of my marriage. I prepared for the worse. I got in counseling. Then my H pursued me. But it is not a game to play. There really are no guarantees. God already know the outcome of the type of man your H will be. Maybe he is not good for you. Why would you want someone back who is disrespecting you this way? There are a lot of good books on recovering for yourself. Here is a list of a few:
"Love must be Tough" by James Dobson
"Safe People" by Cloude and Townsend
"Boundaries" by Cloude and Townsend
"Language of Letting Go" by Melody BeattieHere are some articles by Cloude and Townsend
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htmI'm sorry you are here. I know you are in a LOT of pain. It is worse to be a BS than it is to have a spouse die. You have to cry over it like he is dead but even when someone dies you have to pick up the pieces and put your life back together and find joy again. Try and pursue happiness. antidepressants will help too!!!! Take care of you, get rest, excercise, eat right, go out, have fun, laugh and cry.Hang in there.

TAF: I'm a long time lurker to these boards. I've done Plan A AND Plan B with success, thank you. I registered this morning because of the original post by nezi, yes. Why didn't I register sooner? I was happy just reading posts. Nezi's posts seem so anguished that I wanted to be able to say something to her, especially since her post sat here for a while with no response. I think it took a lot for cerelia to post on this board that she was an OW, knowing what kind of people come here (anti-OW). I feel for nezi, what happened to her was wrong.I LuvNprotect ME: I wasn't invited here by her post, it's irrelevant if I am a BS, WS, or OW. The point of me posting was to reach out to nezi. Apparently, for some unknown reason, I am not welcome to do so.

NeziSorry I didn't get a chance to respond earlier. Your circumstances are very, very different and what happened to you shouldn't have. I feel very sorry for you and hope your H comes to his senses and realises the hurt that he's put you through. All I'm saying is that I think it's inappropriate to channel all the anger towards the OW - the H is often the one who plays the bigger part in an affair. Why only blame the OW?You have been treated terribly. But you asked a question regarding did the OW feel guilt. If my partner had been in a happy marriage I would not have been involved with him at all. When he first chased me I was not interested in a relationship at all - he was married. I then refused to see him or contact him for almost a year. At that time he came back saying that he had left and did I wish to pursue a relationship with him. I'll point out now that a divorce can take 5 years in my country. If my partner had not been so adamant that there was no marriage to begin with we would never have been involved in the first place. It's not a case of justifying whether the affair should have taken place - I need no justification within myself - just as I feel no guilt for leaving my H after the way he treated me. Life is too short to be a permanent victim. However I feel no guilt towards his ex-wife - in her case, I feel nothing but contempt for a woman who has set out to ensnare a man in this way. If anything I would liken her more to you H - she used him to get what she wanted. He simply had enough of it.I almost deleted my post after posting - I wasn't trying to bait anyone,nor make you feel bad Nezi - I was just trying to bring another viewpoint and perhaps that was a bad decision.TAF
I have no doubts as towards my partner's faithfulness, nor has it been me pushing for marriage. I've not "got him to marry me" - did you "get your spouse to marry you"? It's a very derogatory statement to make. I'm sorry you feel so bitter. We are merely happy, and want to make the commitment to each other as life partners.Peace to you all

All you OW tell the same old story. I've been here for awhile as you can see and I have yet to see an OW who didn't think her situation was different. And all OW think BW are bitter talk about stereotyping. Blah, blah blah And ya it was a bad decision to post here that goes w/o saying.
But then that doesn't surprise me considering what you are.
[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ][ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]

Then people here shouldn't ask Q's directly of OW - if you don't want responses then don't ask. I came to look at the "living together before marriage" board and looked into "divorcing/divorced" as that fitted my situation.As for sterotyping - I'm not presuming to say that all BS's are bitter - TAF and yourself obviously are, that's been demonstrated. You don't want to see anything other than what you want to. Stereotyping is extremely inaccurate. Not all situations fit into such a neat scheme of things. az allisonSorry - I missed your earlier comment.Please do not think that I begrudge my future step-daughter one penny - she is a lovely girl. My partner gave his ex the house, the endowments and took on all the debts from the M, as well as paying more than the legal amount of child support. We are taking D on holiday in two weeks time - this is the first time we've been able to afford it. I pity the next man my partner's ex tries to "leech" - she deserves nothing, but for the child's sake she will benefit in the short term. C'est la vie.I pity all of you that can't see past the stereotyping. I sincerely hope you find peace in yourselves.[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: cerelia ]

You have just proven my point whenever an OW hears the truth about themselves they all come back with the bitter thing. Can't you think of anything more original? LOL If you do please post so I can get a good laugh! Please don't waste your pity on me save it for yourself you need it more than anybody! [ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ][ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]

KalGrlI have no intentions of getting into a flame war with you - it's not productive. You have your perspective, and I have mine - let's agree to differ. Please don't put words in my mouth.[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: cerelia ]

i have a question about the divorce. my attorney has filed a counter petition to the dissolution of marriage. Their was a hearing yesterday, i couldn't get hold of my attorney. Does all this mean I am already divorced and we need to work on the financial bit. or will all that take place at the same time. Please someone respond.

Nezi: You will be divorced when a judge signs a Final Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage. It sounds like you are still at the beginning of your divorce with a counter-petition.

I live in Florida, what state are you in? The attorneys will need to see all the financial documents, i.e., tax returns, financial affidavits, etc. from both of you. It could be a long process. Do you know what the hearing was about? It sounds like you did not have to appear at the hearing and your attorney handled it for you.

My stbxh and I came to terms through our attorneys and a separation agreement was prepared. It will be filed with the petition for dissolution of marriage, final judgment, etc. It will go to the judge and the final judgment will be entered. This is all without a hearing since we agreed on a settlement. And just like that, with the stroke of a pen, what was once a wonderful marriage is over.

What bothers me about cerelia is that it appears the ex-W may have been an at-home mom. Does a mother who raises her own children at home deserve to have her life ripped apart because another woman rates her as a leach?

I was an at-home mom, which my H agreed with from the beginning when we decided to have kids. When he ran off with an "equal" co-worker, suddenly that was his story too - that I was a leach after his money. The truth was that I gave up a very good job that helped get us to where we were in life in order to do the right thing - raise our own children. His career continued and grew while I worried and handled the details of homelife and children. In the process, I lost my career and YES had to be dependent on him.

I can tell you cerelia, just because that was the story you got about their relationship doesn't make it the truth, just the justification for his lack of character.

So from my experience, I have to agree with KalGirl, same old story, same old justifications, just different OPs.

But I actually can care less now, I was being treated so badly and am much happier without the lies and cheating. I rarely think about him anymore except when I read stuff like this that dredges of old memories of the divorce - stuff that I must have heard a thousand times over from my own X and his OW (which by the way, he LIVES with going on 3 years also, hasn't married yet either and has already cheated on twice that I KNOW of behind her back - I'd love to break the news to her GENTLY about it, but I'd also love to let her waste her years on him too so I haven't). Same old stuff.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Hey Kathy!

Ashley

Blaming the wife for not working is a common theme. My H always said he did not like having the kids in daycare. I worked most of my adult life - I became a SAHM after our 6th child was born. After my H left, he claimed that because I had said that I would go back to work when the kids were "older", I had "lied" because I was still at home - our youngest was barely 3, with serious developmental delays. NOT ONCE HAD HE EVER SUGGESTED THAT I RETURN TO WORK. After he left, he said that he could not separate his feelings about our financial situation from his feelings about me.

He is now with the OW, who has far more money, and who has been supporting him since he lost his job over two years ago. He drives a nice fancy new car. He pays very little child support, and the child support and my income combined still leaves the kids and me barely above the poverty line - and we may be homeless shortly.

Is it coincidence that his affair began simultaneously with our oldest going to college? I don't think so. Is it coincidence that the OW has plenty of money? I don't think so.

Leaving to get a better deal financially is VERY common.

[ June 30, 2002, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]

Just a quick note from a former OW here:

Not all OW (or OM) think they are guiltless. Anyone who knows me knows that I wanted to die after I had the affair, and the day I slept with the OM (which happened once only) was the worst day of my life.

You'd think that the pain my (then)H had caused me with his perpetual cheating would have snapped me into reality, but it didn't.

I felt so horrible, stopped the affair immediately, and tried to get my life in order. When the SO of the OM contacted me, I apologized profusely for my actions. I knew her side only too well.

I'm not asking for your sympathy or anything else really ~~ I'm hoping that my post sheds some light on the fact that some people who cheat know the pain they've caused and have GREAT REGRET for it. And to be sure, I will live with my decision for the rest of my life, and possibly into eternity.

[ June 30, 2002, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]

ASHLEY! I was up pretty late posting this last night - and look at you, you little ol night owl.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, sorry, back on the topic.

[ June 30, 2002, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: weirded out ]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I supported my husband the whole time we were married, and all along he said he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom and supported that decision. Now when it came to put rubber to the road he bolted just before the baby was born because I had to stop working and he would have to support his family. Yeah, he threw himself at a self centered lawyer who has lots of money and has given him many nice things. It's a little too cushy for him to want to make things work between us. Why should he "work" to support his family. It's much easier to use someone else for your needs and trash what you had if it involves work.
Whatever happened with men being men and wanting to take care of their families instead of bolting and dumping everything on the wife when things get a little uneasy. Yeeeeish, there are a lot of mambsy pambsy men who are no longer "men".
I must also preface that there are also good men out there who do take care of their families too. I'm not man bashing at least I don't mean to be.

What a bunch of selfishness and nacissism. It's so easy to use the excuse "but, my neeeeeeeeeds weren't being met. Sniff, sniff.. I just had to leave because ME is so important and I don't care about my children or their needs. I CARE ABOUT ME! ME! MEEEE! MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!!!! No one else matters in this world but MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

sorry. I just can't stand self centeredness and justifications for destroying a family. There is nothing OK about it. Nothing.

It is difficult for most BS to hear an OW telling us that our H's were just as much to blame for the A. I don't think that I am stupid....sure I blame my H. But I also blame the OW that was waiting around for my H. I think they both made poor choices. This might be a stupid question.....but what are the right circumstances to have an affair with a married man? I guess I just don't think that there is a right time. It was a poor choice.....and in the long run we all pay for it. That includes the OW who got sucked in by the lies of the MM. Why is the OW so gullable to believe that the BS's were....b*tches...or loveless...or poor cooks...or whatever....I don't understand. I do believe that the BS and the children get hurt the most. They didn't make this choice to have their lives turned upside down. WHy does the OW not value her life enough to have a relationship with a single guy? I don't mean to offend anyone.....and yeah...maybe I am a little bit bitter right now. After 22 yrs.....I deserve to be a little bitter ....it will pass...but the hurt is still very fresh.....but I can't quite figure out how some stupid woman could seperate me and my very best friend in the whole world. I still don't really think that she knows the person that he is......I still predict everything that is going to happen....I see it coming. I know my H like the back of my hand.....he just did one heck of a job hiding this A! I wish I could have seen it coming.....and if I sat down and thought about it long enough....maybe I did see it....but I could never believe that he could have done something like this to us and the boys.

SOrry...I rambled....I don't want to offend anyone here....we all come here for our own reasons. I need support to get through this tough time and there are a lot of people who understand....they hurt the way I hurt. OW/OM....they hurt because of a poor choice they make. That's really all there is to it. It seems very black and white to me....But that's just me.

MAX

Finding Peace - it's not ok, I agree.

I cannot stand to hear from an OW about how the WS now has better "quality time" with the children than ever before. What a pretentious, politically correct, overused bunch of boloney phrase that has become. I guess it sures makes you feel better to use it than to think you're child is growing up every single day without you. I think any kid would chuck "quality" time right out the window in exchange for the security of having their parents THERE, together, in the same place where THEY are. SECURITY is far more important when it comes to a child than "quality" time - makes me want to hurl. And I realize than many of the men here have been put in the position of doing quality time without having a choice and are making the best of it and really trying. I am so so sad for those fathers who didn't CHOOSE to run off and not raise their children, who had it shoved down their throats. Ooooh it burns me up.

But I'm ok now.

I think OW's should think long and hard about the wording of their vows when they marry these slouches who run off with them - forget til death do up part, and for better or worse richer or poorer. It'll have to be worded "til somebody better comes along with more money or who offers more fun and sex, and who has no children to get in the way of my fun, or unless I can find a way to justify dumping you too." Ya, that's it, make the vows be all about "ME" for both of them so there won't be any surprises later when they inevitably fail (what is it, 80% failure rate?).

I think I've gotten way off track from Nezi's original post. I don't think it's possible to ask OP's opinions here without getting people very angry.

Anyway, Sheryl, I've always enjoyed reading your posts. I think most people can understand.

[ June 30, 2002, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: weirded out ]

Hello! I'm not proud of myself...I was the OW in a 2+ year relationship. I can't speak for other OW's, but for myself, the first time I saw this guy I fell so deeply in love. He was someone I always dreamt of. Little did I know at the time, he was a "serial cheater"...I was special to him, but he did not love me. He now has another OW which he claims he loves tremendously.

I'm not justifying OW's....speaking for myself only, I wasn't involved to break up his marriage. At the beginning, he told me he his marriage would never end. I was involved because I fell in love. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. I now know the pain his wife must have being suspicious of him. I think of him with his new OW and it breaks my heart. But, I guess I'm getting what I deserve. Yes, OW's hurt too...especially when fall in love with the wrong guy.

dj,
What is hard to understand is when you first found out he was married, why didn't you just walk away ?????

I've met hundred's of wonderful women in my life and I have never felt in love with them till after a period of dating.

Thanks!

RWD,

Why I didn't (or couldn't) walk away is a good question. I knew from the beginning he was married. He had a wedding ring on (and always seemed to fiddle with it). Something just happened with that first eye contact that we had. I was hooked. My relationship was against my principles, and I knew how wrong it was, but it just happened. I never believed in love at first sight...but for me, it happened.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by djmusicbox:
Little did I know at the time, he was a "serial cheater<hr /></blockquote>And if he had been a "one-time" cheater, would that have mattered?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I wasn't involved to break up his marriage. At the beginning, he told me he his marriage would never end<hr /></blockquote>Actually, I understand this. But what I don't understand is how now, when there's certainly been enough time to see him for his true self, and to see yourself as a willing participant, why you speak somewhat glowingly of your love for him.

Maybe I'm weird, but I DETEST the OM in my situation. I don't **blame** him fully for the affair of course, since I made a decision to cheat, but I do see him as an opportunistic pig. I don't care if I never, ever hear of him or see him again. I pray that I don't, actually.

My affair ruined my life. I still haven't gotten through all the residual effects stemming from that one horrible decision.

I have often said that your marriage never fully heals after infidelity, and I also believe that a person who cheats, unless they are a truly evil person, never gets over what THEY did either. I know I never will. Yes, the pain and shock lesson, but they never fully go away. It went against everything in me to cheat. I still shudder at the thought that that person was ME, you know?

Kathy, Thanks for the kind word! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i called my H on friday to ask him if he was sure he wanted a divorce, he said he was, and it would never work out between us. however he still did not admit that he was having an affair, he stilled claimed her as a friend helping him. i told him i wanted to reconcile, and that his decision effected 3 lives, and that he should take some time to think about it.
Yesterday night he calls, trying to explain to me not to make things difficult and to accept that he moved on and i should too, he started dicussing things, saying things were my fault and he waited 3 years for me to change my stubborness. i told him that he was just looking for reasons to leave me, and that their would be no divorce taking place if their wasn't the OW, he says he has always wanted to leave, but he didn't know how. my ? is why don't they leave then, they wait til they have someone "better"
to make that decision. If anyone can recommend some books to me about rebuilding myself please help, i feel so little and i can't help compare my self with the OW, he has lost everything for her, why would anyone jeopardize so much for this, i can't figure out. Please help, as i said before we are in the divorce process, should i let go of hope now, since he is definitely sure he wants to marry the OW??? or is there a chance he may come back. How long do A usually last? before the wake up, if they ever do? i read somewhere that they come back 97%of the time, am i part of the 3%?

nezi - You're still early in the grieving process, so it's perfectly normal to feel confused and over whelmed.

Try to get a support system together for yourself - family, friends, a counselor, a priest or minister, a church group. You need people to help you through this tragic time in your life.

Try not to try and make sense out of your WH right now. He is in the middle of an affair, which is like an addiction, and like an addicted person, you can't just talk them out of the addiction.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It may help you to understand what is going on with your WH. You should also read the info. on this site about affairs. It helps to put things into perspective.

As far as what's going on right now, it seems your WH is going to do what he wants no matter how you feel, or who it hurts. Are you doing a Plan A?

I would read about Plan A and try to implement it. Also, you need to take care of yourself right now. It's hard even to do the basics, but you need to be well for your child.

Also, if your Wh realy does file for divorce, then be sure to seek out legal counsel and protect yourself - because your Wh will not be looking out for your interests, only his.

It's hard to see someone whom you love change from the person who you used to know into someone who no longer cares about the life they once lived.

Just take things ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE HOUR AT A TIME, if necessary. You will start to have a beter handles on things soon, but for now, lean on your support group. Let Wh make all the moves and try to Plan A.

K

Hi Nezi, hey its not to late to reel your husband back to you....Some prayer and a good plan A can have an affect on him, why?...Because He told on himself...He gave you the answer that would cause a problem between him and the possible other woman. Here are some key issues:

1. He said don't make this difficult and accept it. Why? [He has guilt and needs you to ease it and validate him] he can't get past you..

2. He said he's moved on...... but hasn't [Trust me they ALL say this, but they're only moving backwards]

3. Said he thought about it for years but didn't know how to leave. [They all gaze and mediate on the greener grass field, the oasis and illusion,some OW/OM hanging on there arm]

4. This is the "KEY" that would mess him up, he said he was unhappy because of your "stubborness", he never said because of your looks, cooking, size, cleaning, etc.....The OW is attractive to him because she is "Willing" to his desires.....he finds that attractive to see that someone [OW or friend] is for him and not against him.

Its hurts when the WW's tell what they don't like about you but if hear what they say, They usually tell the key "answer" and then you can work it for your good in secret and it messes them up to see you change, because "Oh! they were so right for so many years" and now they are more drawn back to you and they get more confused at what mess they are in.

Just work on you, God has not forsaken you, he answers prayers but not in our own way or time frame.

thank you so much for your comments, i feel like i receive the most help from all of you, my H called yesterday again, to discuss how to arrange for him to see our daughter, we talked for a while, he asked how things are going for me and if its ok if he calls me from time to time, should i be even more confused now, why does he care, the day before he told me, its over and he's moved on. i've ordered surviving an affair, hopefully i'll find some guidance there. Thanks!

He does truly care, however its the guilt, fear, what if's he wrestling with. Even if he left for this friend/OW it wouldn't last long because it started on a wrong foundation...

As I said work on you and become attractive to you and him, throw what he complained about back at him in the area of progress, it'll leave him speechless.... of course he wants to stay in contact because he don't really want to lose you. He hasn't move on, maybe to the back but not forward.....

Its amazing how we think the WS has the upperhand through there rejection of the BS but in the end the BS ends up far ahead of the mess.

So don't be surprised by his words, he's saying one thing but acting out another, = confusion.

my H is coming in a couple of days to see our daughter, are there do's and don'ts are there things i should and should not discuss, he's staying at a hotel near the airport for one night, the attorney wants us to meet at a park or mall for a couple of hours,

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by djmusicbox:
My relationship was against my principles, and I knew how wrong it was, but it just happened.<hr /></blockquote>I don't mean to attack djm, but this kind of passive language is one of the most common ways of dodging responsibility.

Nothing "happens" in a relationship without somebody "doing" something.

-AD

I think as betrayed spouses, many of us feel sadness similr to the sadness experienced by the families who lost loved ones in the 9-11 tragedy.

I lost my sense of family and lost my mother shortly before my ex married his affair partner.
When I think of Osami bin Laden, I have sympathy for those poor families who lost loved ones. Even though my loss would not be as great as their, I think it is similar. I often think of the affair partner as a Bin Laden who destroyed my family.

This is a woman who's involved in church and he's gone with her. This makes me sick to my stomach. What kind of Christian is she sleeping with a married man, then breaking up his family.

this is exactly how i feel, the OW is more religious than i am, then how can she do what she is doing,