KalGrl<p>I have no intentions of getting into a flame war with you - it's not productive. You have your perspective, and I have mine - let's agree to differ. Please don't put words in my mouth.<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: cerelia ]</p>

i have a question about the divorce. my attorney has filed a counter petition to the dissolution of marriage. Their was a hearing yesterday, i couldn't get hold of my attorney. Does all this mean I am already divorced and we need to work on the financial bit. or will all that take place at the same time. Please someone respond.

Nezi: You will be divorced when a judge signs a Final Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage. It sounds like you are still at the beginning of your divorce with a counter-petition.

I live in Florida, what state are you in? The attorneys will need to see all the financial documents, i.e., tax returns, financial affidavits, etc. from both of you. It could be a long process. Do you know what the hearing was about? It sounds like you did not have to appear at the hearing and your attorney handled it for you.

My stbxh and I came to terms through our attorneys and a separation agreement was prepared. It will be filed with the petition for dissolution of marriage, final judgment, etc. It will go to the judge and the final judgment will be entered. This is all without a hearing since we agreed on a settlement. And just like that, with the stroke of a pen, what was once a wonderful marriage is over.

What bothers me about cerelia is that it appears the ex-W may have been an at-home mom. Does a mother who raises her own children at home deserve to have her life ripped apart because another woman rates her as a leach?

I was an at-home mom, which my H agreed with from the beginning when we decided to have kids. When he ran off with an "equal" co-worker, suddenly that was his story too - that I was a leach after his money. The truth was that I gave up a very good job that helped get us to where we were in life in order to do the right thing - raise our own children. His career continued and grew while I worried and handled the details of homelife and children. In the process, I lost my career and YES had to be dependent on him.

I can tell you cerelia, just because that was the story you got about their relationship doesn't make it the truth, just the justification for his lack of character.

So from my experience, I have to agree with KalGirl, same old story, same old justifications, just different OPs.

But I actually can care less now, I was being treated so badly and am much happier without the lies and cheating. I rarely think about him anymore except when I read stuff like this that dredges of old memories of the divorce - stuff that I must have heard a thousand times over from my own X and his OW (which by the way, he LIVES with going on 3 years also, hasn't married yet either and has already cheated on twice that I KNOW of behind her back - I'd love to break the news to her GENTLY about it, but I'd also love to let her waste her years on him too so I haven't). Same old stuff.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Hey Kathy!

Ashley

Blaming the wife for not working is a common theme. My H always said he did not like having the kids in daycare. I worked most of my adult life - I became a SAHM after our 6th child was born. After my H left, he claimed that because I had said that I would go back to work when the kids were "older", I had "lied" because I was still at home - our youngest was barely 3, with serious developmental delays. NOT ONCE HAD HE EVER SUGGESTED THAT I RETURN TO WORK. After he left, he said that he could not separate his feelings about our financial situation from his feelings about me.

He is now with the OW, who has far more money, and who has been supporting him since he lost his job over two years ago. He drives a nice fancy new car. He pays very little child support, and the child support and my income combined still leaves the kids and me barely above the poverty line - and we may be homeless shortly.

Is it coincidence that his affair began simultaneously with our oldest going to college? I don't think so. Is it coincidence that the OW has plenty of money? I don't think so.

Leaving to get a better deal financially is VERY common.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</small>

Just a quick note from a former OW here:

Not all OW (or OM) think they are guiltless. Anyone who knows me knows that I wanted to die after I had the affair, and the day I slept with the OM (which happened once only) was the worst day of my life.

You'd think that the pain my (then)H had caused me with his perpetual cheating would have snapped me into reality, but it didn't.

I felt so horrible, stopped the affair immediately, and tried to get my life in order. When the SO of the OM contacted me, I apologized profusely for my actions. I knew her side only too well.

I'm not asking for your sympathy or anything else really ~~ I'm hoping that my post sheds some light on the fact that some people who cheat know the pain they've caused and have GREAT REGRET for it. And to be sure, I will live with my decision for the rest of my life, and possibly into eternity.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

ASHLEY! I was up pretty late posting this last night - and look at you, you little ol night owl.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, sorry, back on the topic.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: weirded out ]</small>

Yeah, I know what you mean. I supported my husband the whole time we were married, and all along he said he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom and supported that decision. Now when it came to put rubber to the road he bolted just before the baby was born because I had to stop working and he would have to support his family. Yeah, he threw himself at a self centered lawyer who has lots of money and has given him many nice things. It's a little too cushy for him to want to make things work between us. Why should he "work" to support his family. It's much easier to use someone else for your needs and trash what you had if it involves work.
Whatever happened with men being men and wanting to take care of their families instead of bolting and dumping everything on the wife when things get a little uneasy. Yeeeeish, there are a lot of mambsy pambsy men who are no longer "men".
I must also preface that there are also good men out there who do take care of their families too. I'm not man bashing at least I don't mean to be.

What a bunch of selfishness and nacissism. It's so easy to use the excuse "but, my neeeeeeeeeds weren't being met. Sniff, sniff.. I just had to leave because ME is so important and I don't care about my children or their needs. I CARE ABOUT ME! ME! MEEEE! MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!!!! No one else matters in this world but MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

sorry. I just can't stand self centeredness and justifications for destroying a family. There is nothing OK about it. Nothing.

It is difficult for most BS to hear an OW telling us that our H's were just as much to blame for the A. I don't think that I am stupid....sure I blame my H. But I also blame the OW that was waiting around for my H. I think they both made poor choices. This might be a stupid question.....but what are the right circumstances to have an affair with a married man? I guess I just don't think that there is a right time. It was a poor choice.....and in the long run we all pay for it. That includes the OW who got sucked in by the lies of the MM. Why is the OW so gullable to believe that the BS's were....b*tches...or loveless...or poor cooks...or whatever....I don't understand. I do believe that the BS and the children get hurt the most. They didn't make this choice to have their lives turned upside down. WHy does the OW not value her life enough to have a relationship with a single guy? I don't mean to offend anyone.....and yeah...maybe I am a little bit bitter right now. After 22 yrs.....I deserve to be a little bitter ....it will pass...but the hurt is still very fresh.....but I can't quite figure out how some stupid woman could seperate me and my very best friend in the whole world. I still don't really think that she knows the person that he is......I still predict everything that is going to happen....I see it coming. I know my H like the back of my hand.....he just did one heck of a job hiding this A! I wish I could have seen it coming.....and if I sat down and thought about it long enough....maybe I did see it....but I could never believe that he could have done something like this to us and the boys.

SOrry...I rambled....I don't want to offend anyone here....we all come here for our own reasons. I need support to get through this tough time and there are a lot of people who understand....they hurt the way I hurt. OW/OM....they hurt because of a poor choice they make. That's really all there is to it. It seems very black and white to me....But that's just me.

MAX

Finding Peace - it's not ok, I agree.

I cannot stand to hear from an OW about how the WS now has better "quality time" with the children than ever before. What a pretentious, politically correct, overused bunch of boloney phrase that has become. I guess it sures makes you feel better to use it than to think you're child is growing up every single day without you. I think any kid would chuck "quality" time right out the window in exchange for the security of having their parents THERE, together, in the same place where THEY are. SECURITY is far more important when it comes to a child than "quality" time - makes me want to hurl. And I realize than many of the men here have been put in the position of doing quality time without having a choice and are making the best of it and really trying. I am so so sad for those fathers who didn't CHOOSE to run off and not raise their children, who had it shoved down their throats. Ooooh it burns me up.

But I'm ok now.

I think OW's should think long and hard about the wording of their vows when they marry these slouches who run off with them - forget til death do up part, and for better or worse richer or poorer. It'll have to be worded "til somebody better comes along with more money or who offers more fun and sex, and who has no children to get in the way of my fun, or unless I can find a way to justify dumping you too." Ya, that's it, make the vows be all about "ME" for both of them so there won't be any surprises later when they inevitably fail (what is it, 80% failure rate?).

I think I've gotten way off track from Nezi's original post. I don't think it's possible to ask OP's opinions here without getting people very angry.

Anyway, Sheryl, I've always enjoyed reading your posts. I think most people can understand.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: weirded out ]</small>

Hello! I'm not proud of myself...I was the OW in a 2+ year relationship. I can't speak for other OW's, but for myself, the first time I saw this guy I fell so deeply in love. He was someone I always dreamt of. Little did I know at the time, he was a "serial cheater"...I was special to him, but he did not love me. He now has another OW which he claims he loves tremendously.

I'm not justifying OW's....speaking for myself only, I wasn't involved to break up his marriage. At the beginning, he told me he his marriage would never end. I was involved because I fell in love. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. I now know the pain his wife must have being suspicious of him. I think of him with his new OW and it breaks my heart. But, I guess I'm getting what I deserve. Yes, OW's hurt too...especially when fall in love with the wrong guy.

dj,
What is hard to understand is when you first found out he was married, why didn't you just walk away ?????

I've met hundred's of wonderful women in my life and I have never felt in love with them till after a period of dating.

Thanks!

RWD,

Why I didn't (or couldn't) walk away is a good question. I knew from the beginning he was married. He had a wedding ring on (and always seemed to fiddle with it). Something just happened with that first eye contact that we had. I was hooked. My relationship was against my principles, and I knew how wrong it was, but it just happened. I never believed in love at first sight...but for me, it happened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by djmusicbox:
Little did I know at the time, he was a "serial cheater</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And if he had been a "one-time" cheater, would that have mattered?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wasn't involved to break up his marriage. At the beginning, he told me he his marriage would never end</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, I understand this. But what I don't understand is how now, when there's certainly been enough time to see him for his true self, and to see yourself as a willing participant, why you speak somewhat glowingly of your love for him.

Maybe I'm weird, but I DETEST the OM in my situation. I don't **blame** him fully for the affair of course, since I made a decision to cheat, but I do see him as an opportunistic pig. I don't care if I never, ever hear of him or see him again. I pray that I don't, actually.

My affair ruined my life. I still haven't gotten through all the residual effects stemming from that one horrible decision.

I have often said that your marriage never fully heals after infidelity, and I also believe that a person who cheats, unless they are a truly evil person, never gets over what THEY did either. I know I never will. Yes, the pain and shock lesson, but they never fully go away. It went against everything in me to cheat. I still shudder at the thought that that person was ME, you know?

Kathy, Thanks for the kind word! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i called my H on friday to ask him if he was sure he wanted a divorce, he said he was, and it would never work out between us. however he still did not admit that he was having an affair, he stilled claimed her as a friend helping him. i told him i wanted to reconcile, and that his decision effected 3 lives, and that he should take some time to think about it.
Yesterday night he calls, trying to explain to me not to make things difficult and to accept that he moved on and i should too, he started dicussing things, saying things were my fault and he waited 3 years for me to change my stubborness. i told him that he was just looking for reasons to leave me, and that their would be no divorce taking place if their wasn't the OW, he says he has always wanted to leave, but he didn't know how. my ? is why don't they leave then, they wait til they have someone "better"
to make that decision. If anyone can recommend some books to me about rebuilding myself please help, i feel so little and i can't help compare my self with the OW, he has lost everything for her, why would anyone jeopardize so much for this, i can't figure out. Please help, as i said before we are in the divorce process, should i let go of hope now, since he is definitely sure he wants to marry the OW??? or is there a chance he may come back. How long do A usually last? before the wake up, if they ever do? i read somewhere that they come back 97%of the time, am i part of the 3%?

nezi - You're still early in the grieving process, so it's perfectly normal to feel confused and over whelmed.

Try to get a support system together for yourself - family, friends, a counselor, a priest or minister, a church group. You need people to help you through this tragic time in your life.

Try not to try and make sense out of your WH right now. He is in the middle of an affair, which is like an addiction, and like an addicted person, you can't just talk them out of the addiction.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? It may help you to understand what is going on with your WH. You should also read the info. on this site about affairs. It helps to put things into perspective.

As far as what's going on right now, it seems your WH is going to do what he wants no matter how you feel, or who it hurts. Are you doing a Plan A?

I would read about Plan A and try to implement it. Also, you need to take care of yourself right now. It's hard even to do the basics, but you need to be well for your child.

Also, if your Wh realy does file for divorce, then be sure to seek out legal counsel and protect yourself - because your Wh will not be looking out for your interests, only his.

It's hard to see someone whom you love change from the person who you used to know into someone who no longer cares about the life they once lived.

Just take things ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE HOUR AT A TIME, if necessary. You will start to have a beter handles on things soon, but for now, lean on your support group. Let Wh make all the moves and try to Plan A.

K

Hi Nezi, hey its not to late to reel your husband back to you....Some prayer and a good plan A can have an affect on him, why?...Because He told on himself...He gave you the answer that would cause a problem between him and the possible other woman. Here are some key issues:

1. He said don't make this difficult and accept it. Why? [He has guilt and needs you to ease it and validate him] he can't get past you..

2. He said he's moved on...... but hasn't [Trust me they ALL say this, but they're only moving backwards]

3. Said he thought about it for years but didn't know how to leave. [They all gaze and mediate on the greener grass field, the oasis and illusion,some OW/OM hanging on there arm]

4. This is the "KEY" that would mess him up, he said he was unhappy because of your "stubborness", he never said because of your looks, cooking, size, cleaning, etc.....The OW is attractive to him because she is "Willing" to his desires.....he finds that attractive to see that someone [OW or friend] is for him and not against him.

Its hurts when the WW's tell what they don't like about you but if hear what they say, They usually tell the key "answer" and then you can work it for your good in secret and it messes them up to see you change, because "Oh! they were so right for so many years" and now they are more drawn back to you and they get more confused at what mess they are in.

Just work on you, God has not forsaken you, he answers prayers but not in our own way or time frame.

thank you so much for your comments, i feel like i receive the most help from all of you, my H called yesterday again, to discuss how to arrange for him to see our daughter, we talked for a while, he asked how things are going for me and if its ok if he calls me from time to time, should i be even more confused now, why does he care, the day before he told me, its over and he's moved on. i've ordered surviving an affair, hopefully i'll find some guidance there. Thanks!

He does truly care, however its the guilt, fear, what if's he wrestling with. Even if he left for this friend/OW it wouldn't last long because it started on a wrong foundation...

As I said work on you and become attractive to you and him, throw what he complained about back at him in the area of progress, it'll leave him speechless.... of course he wants to stay in contact because he don't really want to lose you. He hasn't move on, maybe to the back but not forward.....

Its amazing how we think the WS has the upperhand through there rejection of the BS but in the end the BS ends up far ahead of the mess.

So don't be surprised by his words, he's saying one thing but acting out another, = confusion.