Here is the background:<BR>My husband and I have been having numerous problems lately. He says he feels like he has "lost" something about me. He says he still loves me but that getting over the "loss" is hard for him. He has also been reflecting on all the problems in our marriage and says he doesn't think things will ever change. He says there are things he wants in his future (like a family) but doesn't think we'll fix our problems so that we could have a good family life. He has withdrawn a lot from me in the last couple of months, although he still says that he loves me (when I ask him). <BR>Now my problem:<BR>We just recently got our computer. Since we got it, he found a chat room which he goes to daily. In that chat room he met a girl who he now sends e-mails to. Now, he didn't tell me about all this, I "searched" for it myself. Being in the uncertain situation we're in, I felt he might be up to something so I investigated. I haven't told him that I know about her although, I know he knows that I know. He says he knows I've been checking his e-mails. <BR>The problem is that I don't know if he's pursuing a romantic relationship or a friendship relationship with her. The message so far have been friendly but they have ended with "hugs and kisses" and stuff like that. Am I freaking out or should I be worried? I don't know what to think.<BR>He knows I've seen the messages but still continues to write to her. We talked about faithfulness the other night - without admiting to him that I knew about her and bout my fear that he would leave me for someone else. He said that there was no reason for me to be worring about that; that there was no reason for me to feel insecure. He also always says that if he ever left me for someone, he would tell me so.<P>So what do you think?<BR>Should I just trust him and hope that he is only seeking her for friendship? Should I tell her that he's married and ask her to keep their relationship as only friends?<BR>Any suggestions as to any of this?

AMMR,<BR>Have your hubby end this letter writing stuff NOW!!!! I've been through this HELL myself. If his letters are ending in hugs and kisses, there is nothing friendly about it; it is pure romance!! Think about it, all relationships start off as "we are just friends".<P>We had our service cut off because of an affair via the computer. This can lead to nothing but TROUBLE with a capital "T". <P>No matter what your hubby says, make him end the letter writing with this person or have your internet service shut off. <P>Take it from a guy who has been down the same road you are on now. Take the tiger by the tail and don't let go until the tiger is dead. Internet affairs start off this way and can easily ruin a marriage. <P>AMMR, have your husband end this NOW before it is to late for the both of you. <P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AMMR:<BR><B> He also always says that if he ever left me for someone, he would tell me so. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hello, he would tell me so? How much consolation can that be when he's gone. Oh well, he always told me that he would tell me if he was going to leave me for someone else. <P>Salem is correct. He is playing with fire, and you need to pour water on it. Don't let him get away with being defensive. Just tell him firmly but sweetly (no love busters) that this is not a good situation, and you don't approve. You may want to consider changing internet providers or e-mail addresses in order to cut this off at the quick. If he refuses to do this, he may be already emotionally involved.<P>Take care!<P>H

I totally agree with Salem. I just went through this torture a year ago. I read all the e-mails, did all the checking up, with my husband reassuring me all along it was "just friendship". Even after he left the kids and me to live with her over 1,000 miles away, he denied involvement with her. Hello!!! Does anybody like admitting that they screwed up and allowed a friendship to go too far?<P>Do what it takes to end that "friendship" now. My story had a happy ending with us reconciling eight months later, but I hate to think what could have happened.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AMMR:<BR><B>So what do you think?<BR>Should I just trust him and hope that he is only seeking her for friendship? Should I tell her that he's married and ask her to keep their relationship as only friends?<BR>Any suggestions as to any of this?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think...you are asking the wrong questions. Did the emails reference any meetings or sexual content? Read through these boards...you will see lots of [[[hugs]]]] and expressions of affection. I think that if he was having a physical affair, you'd see it in those emails...meeting arrangements, intimate exchanges, etc. It is quite possible that he is having an emotional affair, and that is part of his withdrawal from you.<P>Consider yourself lucky that you found this need of his out now.<P>You should be less concerned with the symptom and more concerned with the problem.<P>Read up on the MB concepts, get a dialogue going with your H, find out what he needs to rebuild your love.<P>Hey, you're still here. I mean NOW! <P>

Thanks for all the advise guys!!<P>Actually, I did contact the girl and advised her of the situation. She was very understanding and agreed to end the relationship and said she would do anything to help me. <P>However, I'm still worried that this won't end things. I'm afraid that maybe he will just go on to someone else since he still spends lots of time in that chat room. <BR>I'm very new to this whole chat thing and don't really know what goes on in there.<BR>The chat room he frequents is one from Mexico (we are in California). So I think that's a good sign - in that I think it means he's not looking for a physical relationship with someone. <P>Am I just being paranoid now?<P>

AMMR,<BR>The internet is a new frontier for all kinds of relationships. My X, who is a jerk, (of course LOL ), uses it all the time to meet women. He's very good at the short term relationship, so does very well also with long distance: the less contact, the nicer and smarter he seems.<P>However, it's very easy to fool someone into any kind of lying crap that you would want to tell them, if they are not living close by. Thus my X's success, thus the posibility that your H could develop relationships over the internet with the intention of something more because that person wouldn't have a clue about his real life. The distance between him and another person could actually help a casual affair - no one would ever spot him, and he could dump the person afterwards, and not have any emotional repercussions.<P>I would make it very clear to him that you would like to share the experience with him. Sit beside him when he is on line, and laugh about the kinds of things that you both post. It might be great fun to do that together. <P>I've seen many complaints about H's that get involved on line (just time wise) and lose contact with their spouse because of the amount of time that they devote to this hobby. It's very addicting.<P>Make it a shared experience, and learn how to appreciate each other while doing it.<P>Much luck!! <P>H