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Joined: Feb 2000
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db713 Offline OP
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Haven't posted for long time, but some issues have come up that are confusing me and I am looking for input.
We were divorced 5 yrsa ago this week, as ex left me for other woman he still lives with. They have been engaged for almost two yrs but no date insite. He says they still have issues that need to be worked out.
In march, I had to have major surgery and did not want ex to even know about it, but one of my kids [all live out of state], said something to his grandmother and it got back to my ex. He calls wanting all the details, etc, and I told him minimal info and that I had 2 gf's who were taking me to hospital, etc. The Sunday before surgery he comes over and takes me to a movie "to get my mind off everythin. The night before surgery he shows up to give me moral support, and the morning of surgery he arrives the same time as my girlfriend. He goes to hospital, acting just like my husband and even kissed me as I was being put on the guerney. When I woke up 12 hrs later, he was still sitting ing the room. He called me twice daily and then came and took me home on Easter, without my even asking him-I already had ride arranged. After that, he called me daily for three weeks.
Another thing he did, was to use his frequent flyer miles and had our daughter come for a week to take care of me--This really upset OW. Supposedly if I wanted daughter her, then I should have been the one to arrange a ticket.
I was told by him and he also told our children that no one was to tell OW that he gave me any help at all---she was out of town at the time!
Since then we have gone to lunch several times, again not known by OW. During some of our conversations, he mentioned OW might be leaving and he was getting prepared, by buying another bedrom set, etc. However, from my viewpoint and my children's they get along ok and she isn't going anywhere. Why he deceived me I'm not sure.
Another thing-our wedding anniversay was last weekend. I received an email from him stating he remembered what day it was and hopes I continue to feel well. On Monday he emails me to invite me to lunch and said he would email back on Tues with day and time. I have not heard a word!That is not like him.
OUr daughter is due to have first baby in Dec. I asked ex if he would be going up to see her in Dec and he told me no, that it was more of a mother's thing. I find out last night from daughter that he bought tickedts for him and OW to go there at xmas time. OW has also gone to many garage sales and has sent one suitcase and a box of stuff for the baby! In March, my ex and OW went to see daughter and suggested adoption or possible AB!
What do you all see going on here? He says one thing and then does something else. I thought I was all over him, but the niceness with my surgery made me think he had second thoughts, but guess I was totally wrong. Right now I just want to smack him senseless. I fell he is somehow still trying to keep me dangling! Any advice or opinions?

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I am no expert. But I was thinking along the same lines of you, he is having a change of heart or he is just trying to keep you dangling. But I lean more toward the change of heart thing. I am usually a glass half full type of person so I am not be objective.

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db713,

Well a number of things may be going on.

1) Things are not working out well with OW and he is starting to have fond memories of better times with you.

2) He feels guilty for what he did to you and when you had the surgery, he was responding to that guilt.

But I don't see anything good coming out of this. Maybe next time he asks you to lunch you should turn him down (politely) - partly to see how he handles it - but more so just to save yourself a lot of needless pain.

-AD

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I'm thinking he's had a change of heart, but I also share AD's concern that he's up to no good.

He arranged for tickets with frequent-flier miles but tries to hide it from the OW, and she gets upset ... did he tell her to mind her own business or stand up to her at all?

How do you feel about him being nice to you? Is it something you'd want more of?

I don't think I'd do anything till he got rid of the OW, though. That doesn't seem right.

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Almost sounds like he is wanting to have an affair with you. If all this was happening with another woman, that is what this would be called.

??? I would stay away, he has proven that he is unworthy and is once again proving his infidelity, even with you, he is really with another woman and using you as the "other woman". I have a hard time believing that after 5 years, his heart is changing to the point of wanting to be back with you, rather than just wanting something different again.

Just my thoughts...

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

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I don't know what your XH is doing, but here's my experience: After my H left me and moved in with OW, DDay for me, he continued to see me on the sly, express concern, express doubts about longterm potential of relationship with OW, lead me to believe he wanted to reconcile - just had to overcome MY issues first.

Basically, he had reversed our roles. After living with me and having an A with OW, he was now living with OW and having an A with me - he lied to her about being with me. He lied to me about pretty much everything. Whereas his main loyalty had been to me during A with OW, now his main loyalty is to OW.

I finally got it, gave him an ultimatum to choose, and he chose her.

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xxx

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

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db713 Offline OP
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Skye--it was so nice to see a post from you and thank you for the encouragement. I have been lurking, but haven't posted in quite awhile. I also hadn't seen any postings from you, so I thank you for helping me once again.
I still am with Restore Ministries, but my faith has wained and my walk has not been the best since I had my surgery. I am trying my best to get back on track, but sometimes I get so weary with the journey. I have trouble fighting double mindedness which I know is a major hindrance.
Ex did send me an email on Thur to apologize about not contacting me since he was so busy at work. Suggested we could get together in a couple of weeks. This was after my daughter called him. She had called me and in the course of the conversation she asked me if I had been in any contact with her dad. I mentioned that her dad had asked me to lunch, but I hadn't heard back.
Our son is coming from Spain and he said we could take him out to lunch. He also informed me that he and OW are planning a trip to Spain in Nov to see the same son--that did wonders for my faith walk-ha ha.
My problem seems to be that I get so easily discouraged. I have really worked on controlling my tonque, and it is much better, but I still sometimes can't shut up!
I have sent a praise report to Restore, but I haven't seen it posted.
Thank you so much for replying and also to the others who voiced their opinions.

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xxx

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

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db713 Offline OP
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Hi Skye: Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me, since we have been at this for so long.
I'm so glad that your ex did not marry the OW. My ex is still engaged to OW, but no date is set. However, I think she is pushing for a date to be set. I have noticed the one thing that really gets my tonque to want to start in, is when she is around my children and grandchild--all my kids are adults but it just makes me so jealous, even after all this time. This is a real challenge for me to overcome and I'm not making much progress.
Enough about me--how is your situation going? YOu are always so helpful and encouraging to others, and you never mention your situation. YOu are much better at following all the Restore principals than I am, and I admire that so much in you.
I hope you have a great Labot DAy weekend, and I will keep you in my prayers. Someday we will both be giving a testimony of our restored marriages and will give God the glory.

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<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

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Skye, I'm so happy for you. Iread the praise reports everyday for continued encouragement. As you said, Halleuljah!!


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