<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm so glad I found this site,I wish I would have known about it sooner!!I'll try not to make this a book <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I've known my husband since we were 15 years old,first loves ect.We have been married for 4 years now.3 Of those years have been Hell(lost 2 pregnancies,and health issue's,money,we went through alot,lost sight of each other..we were once so madly in love I miss those times.

We had a miracle baby who is 17 months old now.The minute I had him things really got bad,he was upset I was too much a mommy,put his needs on a shelf.
He started calling me every name in the book,hitting me,totally lost respect for me as a person!!
I was working from home making more then his 40 hour music job.I payed for alot of bills,and he was always complaining that I never bought him cool things big things so I went out and saved bought him 2,000 worth of new recording gear.I had to make sure my son got food ect.
He would go out to his buddies house to record(but only at night),his excuse was that was the only time he had available.
It started off one night a month that was two years ago!
He does have a nice side to him,when he does see his son.It's split 50/50**good and evil I kid not.
He started going out with his friends more and more leaving me out of everything,leaving me and our son out of everything!!
Bills got way behind cause he was going out spending all his money on music gear.I couldn't pay for all the bills on my own.
He started telling me that women were hitting on him at work(non work there)and he could have date alot of people if he wanted.
He would through his wedding ring at me,go weeks without wearing it.
It got so bad I couldn't bring anything up with out him pushing me against a wall and pointing in my face yelling at me.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I was scared confused depressed..I went to couseling they told me to leave..I went to the pastor he told me to leave.
I stayed, kept trying to please him.He became colder and colder,where was the sweet man I once knew!?
He was never home never played much with our son,became more distant..took care of himself before the family.On our anniversary that year he wouldn't celabrate it,wouldn't open my card.We moved into a new place in May-02 he bought me flowers.Wow!! first time in a long time!!
We had sex first time in 6 months,cause he said i wasn't skinny enough i was 150...no one can figure that one out...I'm very pretty,but he wouldn't touch me. No kisses no hugs
Then he went out and got himself a cell phone,but wouldn't let me near it.Then July He wanted a Break to Heal he said...he wanted me to give him ALOT OF SPACE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
He went so far as to ask me to move in with my parents,with our son.I told him no way,he was gone all the time started tanning,lost 25Lbs,went out and bought a bag,new underwear,after he got out of work he showered wouldn't eat with us,packed his bag for the night and left at 10pm.
He said he was going to hotels,and his buddies house.This was JULY-02
I started looking around found hidden in a box in the garage.Womens Numbers,Bed and Breakfast and Condom reciepts,Love letters to two other women!!

Continued on next post~

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Continued:
I found Porn(Teen,and adult)In our basement as well.When I confronted him about everything,he told me he needed to think.He came and went when he wanted to everytime telling me he wanted me out!! He would even pack our bags for us.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I just couldn't beleieve it.So I told him even though he was cheating on me I still Loved him and wanted to move past this..work on Both our issue's and get help.
His anwser*I just need space,he denied his affairs claiming they were good friends going through the samething.That the condoms were for someone else,that I had a jaded view of it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
So I started packing up oour place...my sons room I had just decorated.I called both numbers,both women knew he was married they even knew about each other.Told me I needed to talk to Ken about it.
I told him over and over..leave the affairs and we can get help.His answer I have no reason to!!
They give me all I need <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Ya,one is 20 and comes from a rich family she gave him a sports car.The other lady is 24,married at the time...she filed two weeks before I did,because her husband was cheating on her(she has two young babies).
One night before he went out **I WILL NOT FORGET THIS.He told me he wasn't sorry,I should hear the way Ow Moans when he's doing her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Telling me what size bra she wore,how perfect and sexy she was.I can't Believe how Low he got!!
On my last night there,he brought other women to our house and was kissing her in our livingroom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I acted like it didn't bug me,and finished my packing.I moved out with our son and filed two days before my 25th b-day.
We went to court he is to have supervised visitation with our son,he comes to see him weeknights at 9pm when he's sleeping.Whats the point!!??
His weekends he's too busy with the other women.He keeps telling me I need to prove myself to him That I will treat him like the stud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> he is..pretty much.
He's now talking about moving out of state,with the lady who's divorcing too.
It's just a mess!!
I guess I need to do plan B? What do I do? Can I save this?

Please hELP ME.....

I put my son to bed tonight,it just breaks my heart.His dad kicked us out,and hangs out with ow's children.My maid of honor happens to know the girl,he's been sleeping over there..what does her children think? My friend said there going through counseling because her 5 year old is acting up,and she's got a 3 year old too.
My friend is soooo upset she won't talk to Marcy any more.Because she says Ken(my husband) was going to leave me anyways and it was just fate.
My friend said well if thats what it is then you shouldn't be too upset at your husbands mistress,the women you spit in her face!!
She was like I know I know I sound like such a slut.I just want Ken(my husband) to be happy.
And if he wants me to pack up my kids and for us to move to another state thats fine but were not seriose or anything.
She laughed of the notion of him seeing the other girl,she says there only friends.
But I know****I have the letters to all his girlfriends.Unless he's got some new ones added now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
I'm just so hurt/so angry/sooooooo Broken.

I think leaving him was the right thing to do. He was abusing you, and here at this site, it is NOT recommended for a couple to stay together in those circumstances, unless the abuser is mortally repentant, will seek counselling and apply all the MB principles to the relationship.

Your H sounds very immature, and seems to be acting out like he has missed out on his sowing his wild oats. If he is sleeping around like that, you must NOT sleep with him, because he could give you any number of sexually transmitted diseases.

The worst of it is he is throwing it in your face. Had my stbx done that to me, I would now be in jail for murder. Lucky he didn't, he isn't worth it. You need to try and stick by your decision to divorce him, because it is the only thing left for you. I am so sorry to say that, because even though he has hurt you so badly, you still want him, right? So expect that it will take you a long time to get over him.

Heartbroken as you are, at least you are young enough to begin a new life. There are still lots of opportunities out there for you. You have your child, and supportive friends and family, so that is a good start. Please come here often, because it is a good site for support when you are grieving the loss of your marriage.

Love and light,

Jacky

Ok. You're a bit younger than I, 33, but am also divorcing a serial cheater. He is non repentant so far.

But you've found MB. Good for you. A and B sites here deal with this issue well. You are not at all alone. I suggest going through and reading ALL OF THE MATERIALS ON THIS SITE AS FAR AS AFFAIRS GO. THE CONCEPT OF HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS AS WELL. And I would also suggest MB counseling for you to begin with. You can do phone counseling.

Get the book, Surviving an Affair. Also get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. More of a spiritual approach to adultery. And in the meanwhile, DON'T LISTEN TO THE GARBAGE. DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THE MIND GAMES. STAY AWAY FROM IT. ONLY COULD CAUSE MORE CONFUSION. Get armed with the right information. YOu could theoretically still save your M. That is good news. But alot of poop has gone on. Fact he wants you to treat him differently is one clue. But there may be other factors going on here. Taht is why you need the counseling. See if wH will go to. And please, be easy on yourself. Protect your emotions now so you can be 100 percent for that baby ok? Get right spiritually with God.

And another thing to do...FORGET TOTALLY WHAT YOUR WH IS DOING NOW. READ UP ON THE FOG. He is lost in that fog of adultery. It is a real place that normal people go and become totally abnormal. Ok? DO NOT FEED INTO THEIR GAMES NOR PUMP YOUR FRIEND, THIS BRIDESMAID, FOR QUESTIONS. HE IS CHEATING ON ALL WOMEN HERE OK? NOT JUST YOU, BUT MS. SPORTSCAR AND MS. UNHAPPY MOM WITH THE OTHER KIDS. He is REALLY CONFUSED AS I SEE IT. Confusion in the fog is good. My WH is just dead set on wrecking his life as he sees it, is a good thing.

But YOU MUST ACT NOW. Don't react to him. Get the right info and do the right actions now. You're here. That is gr eat. Now go to A and B and get some answers from those guys there. And also, get MB counseling from the pros. REad read read. Learn also.

You can do it.

If he hit you, you are better off now that you are out of the house. I do not know of any man who hits his wife and deserves to have her stick around. I have been a less than perfect husband for years, I have my faults (which do NOT include affairs and abuse) and take responsibility for my actions but I don't think I could live with myself if I ever struck my wife. Saving a marriage is one thing, but saving your life is another. This may sound a little harsh, but get out and don't look back. If he hit you, chances are good that he has the capacity to hit your child. Don't take that chance.

Best of luck to you. Be safe.

Your H sounds very immature, and seems to be acting out like he has missed out on his sowing his wild oats. If he is sleeping around like that, you must NOT sleep with him, because he could give you any number of sexually transmitted diseases.

Nina.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> as time passed he seemed to become more and more immature.Whats sad is I still Love this Man I can't imagine my life without the old him.Whats strange is there was no abuse when we were dating only after we had our son,he was under alot of stress and anxity problems.
And now he claims he hasn't had a panic attack for months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> he doesn't have as much stress.
But he does claim to be UnHappy....and had to do what he had to do to survive~ That it will take time for him to see changes in me.Everythings one sided!!!
The judge ordered him to pay alot of the bills when he did come over at night to visit his son,he would always try to get me to give him money for the bills the judge said he had to pay.
He kept saying prove yourself to me.
So a week ago I gave him 200 dollars,and 3 days ago told him I wanted things to work out but he has ONE WEEK TO Leave the other women!!!!
He said~After 2 years of problems your only giving me a week?
What will you do? I didn't say anything***Plan B all the way No Contact!!
I haven't heard from him,thats fine,he has until Fri....I'm just really sick of all the games <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
His parents have been awful,that whole side of the family..BLAME ME I CAUSED HIM TO HIT ME(I WAS A MEAN WOMEN BY CALLING THE Police).
I DROVE HIM TO THE AFFAIR.THEY SAID I GAVE HIM AWAY!!!!
THEY ARE PAYING HIS ATTORNEY,HIS BILLS....AND WROTE ME SAYING THEY DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I AM...Only how there grand child is doing!!
They live in Florida and have only seen my son once <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

(((Thanx Peachy)))

I will start Reading,and using your advice......thank you!!!!

If he hit you, you are better off now that you are out of the house. I do not know of any man who hits his wife and deserves to have her stick around. I have been a less than perfect husband for years, I have my faults (which do NOT include affairs and abuse) and take responsibility for my actions but I don't think I could live with myself if I ever struck my wife. Saving a marriage is one thing, but saving your life is another. This may sound a little harsh, but get out and don't look back. If he hit you, chances are good that he has the capacity to hit your child. Don't take that chance.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Chances are if he did give up the other women...we still have differant morals,he's abusive,he's into pot now since the affairs.
I mean I have my issues too i'm insucure(sp?),that was a big one for me cause he never made me feel special...ect
I've noticed I feel Better about myself now,the only thing wierd is it's hard for me to look in any males eyes,even while talking.Can't figure that one out!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hey there,

I just had a surprise visit from Husband..he wanted to talk to me.He claimed he was unhappy he didn't miss me but missed our son.
That maybe when the waters calm down we could get cousel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ,it's a bunch of mind games!!
Then he stated that " THE PAST IS THE FUTURE, REVISITED!"
And he hated the wife I was I was a Bad wife,couldn't cook good,clean good enough ect..he has his list.
I told him I may have flaws but he had some pretty huge issue's to deal with.
Tears started welling up in his eyes.It's all his game.
Then he says I wanted you..but the other ladies are like you used to be~~~~
I said Ken I miss the Old you too,he will forever be in my-heart not the man who called me every name in the book,and hit me.
I know I know we all did screwed up things.
Ken you do not love us enough If you did you would be getting help right now and would of left the realationships.
He left.

Hmmmmm The Past is the future revisited...(ya if you don't deal with your demons).What do you think???

Mary, I know you love him and you have a child together.... BUT he is mentally and physically
abusive to you and could become this way to your child. I think that both you and you child are going to be much better off without him, I know that you can't imagine that right now but why do you want to be with someone that treats you like this? I think you are in love with someone he is NOT. He is obviously very, very immature and I can't imagine his behaviour and illegal drug use is good for your or your child. You need to do what is the the long term best interest of your and your child and unless he does a 180, quits the drugs, does some serious growing up and getting some professional help, you need to move on, you do deserve MUCH better than this.
Sorry if this is harsh but under NO circumstance should you be in an abusive relationship.
Good luck, I know it is not easy but doing the right thing rarely is.
Dave

Thank you Davepr,

I wish God could take this horrible feeling away.One day I'm fine,then I think about all the old good times..before the marriage.I met Ken at church,I was a youth leader..he was a rebal.His family was very involved,in the church.
Ken stopped his rebal ways foe years we...were dating that whole time.We married it all came back,he was my first love my first everything.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Whats worse about divorce then Death is there still here....
I was(still kinda am)in love with a person who has mental problems now or is a good actor.
Yes It is better for my son not to be around that.I grew up in a family with half brothers and sisters and it was very strange.
I worry about my son and the road that lies ahead.

Thank you for your post....I need to vent once and awile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HI my friends, I wrote out all the prayer requests this morning in my journal. The pain in all of them is very clear. The prayer we need is for all WS to fall to their knees in repentance. That the Lord will take their hearts of stone, and turn them into hearts of flesh. He is able.
Also that the BS's will be changed to be what the Lord wants us to be. It is so easy when we have been betrayed to get into a "pity party" but that is the devils greatest tool! Do you ever notice that when we are in that "PP" that is the time we have doubts and want to give up? Giving up is exactly what satan wants us to do, so in essence, giving up is giving in to the evil one. We can't allow him to take more than he already has can we?
I understand the feeling of wanting to give up, as I was there a little over a year ago. After 6 years of standing, the doubt was so strong, that I couldn't shake it. God always shows me hope when the slightest doubt comes in, but this time, He allowed me to go through the doubt for more than two weeks. I was depressed, I went to a counselor, I spoke to my pastor, I did everything I could think of to do. The day I spoke to my pastor to find out if I was crazy or not, I recalled all of God's promises to me to restore my marriage. Also the promise I made before my H and the Lord, "til death do we part" It was a covenant and I am to keep it. I realize now that I can live without my H just fine, and I do miss him at times. I am waiting on the Lord, not my H. If I had to wait on my H, I would be in hopelessness! The evening after I spoke to my pastor, the Lord finally showed me some amazing hope. Through a radio program, Focus on the Family, they were talking about Covenant Marriages, I felt the Lord was speaking directly to me, and I wept as He said "My good and faithful servant" and some good and faithful servant I was, just about to give up, then He said "It was because you did not give up that I call you a good and faithful servant."
I wept quite a bit that evening, and it was the beginning of an even stronger stand.
During the pain, is when He is molding us and making us who He wants us to be, Praise the Lord!
The changes in myself are amazing to me, and I know as I am being changed, He is working on my WH, to what extent I don't know at this point, but I trust Him. He knows the perfect time, and will restore all the marriages He has promised to do so!
May you not give up, as your miracle could be around the corner! God Bless you all!
Love in Christ, Monika
PS I just noticed this post ended up on the wrong thread, I'll re do it on the right one!
Some one here must need to read it! God Bless!

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: Stillwaiting ]</small>

Hi just thought I would write vent alittle.Last Night Ken(h)came over after work to see his son.The minute I opened the door he started crying and hugging our son.He was very emotional,it was sad for me to see him so sad.
He told me he would soon be ready to put our relationship back together he was 98% sure I'm the one.I just listened didn't say anything cause everytime I spoke up he would say "will ya just listen to me"
He asked me to come to our old place to talk next week...I told him what ever he needed to talk to me about he could tell me here.
Well he just kept saying he was waiting for me to prove one thing to him before he completly would give up all relationships.
Hmmmmmm he seemed so sincere but He would have to do a 180 and I'm not seeing that.
Now he says he's staying in Michigan moving in with a buddie.
It's wierd everytime I see him he's becoming more and more weaker looking and acting.He's so skinny now,and doesn't look healthy his clothes are falling off him.He's seems emotionally unstable,he tryed hugging me and kissing me goodbye I moved away and wouldn't let him.
Did I do what was right? It's hard to be so harse,and I'm not a mean person...so it's very hard to see him like this...eeeeeeee

Whats wrong with me,since I saw Stbx crying,and flirting,trying to put the moves on me.It really played with my head,I have to guard my heart.
He called today I shouldn't have answered but I did..and he asked me if I would let him take me out for dinner this week.
Oh Boy,I still Love this man,but I haven't seen enough of a change with the history we have.
Just needed to vent

Mary,

I dont post very often any more , but your post touched my heart. I know this sounds crazy, but consider looking into Restore Marriage International, or Rejoice Marriages. My marriage is not restored at this time, but I have found such peace. Alone1

Thank you Alone1....i'll check it out!!!!

*hugs,

Hi,
Just wanted to give you my thoughts on this situation. Mostly because, I loved my H so much that I did not want to live without him. I actually didn't think I would survive. He was my whole life. BUT, he was and is abusive, cheats, lies, thinks everyone else is inferior to him, and the list goes on. I put up with anything and everything because my focus was on "How much I loved him and wanted him in my life". This went on for probably 19 years. I kept telling myself if I could just be a better wife he would change. Well, let me tell you something about controling, selfish abusive people, they don't change! It just makes you have to live up to a higher, still unacceptable level and it still is not good enough. About 2 and a half years ago, I remember crying, thinking, "This can work, I just need to be more of what he wants me to be" BULL.... I have come to realize I can never be what he wants me to be, for one thing, he changes his expectations. He is physically abusive on occasion but more than that he is emotionally abusive. He has caused so much psychological damage to all of us that I have had it. If I had thought more of myself as a person and realized I didn't need him to make me complete, I would have seen the light years ago. My counselor has told me to get out, my pastor has told me to get out and here I am, still working to get out. Which brings me to the point I was going to make in the beginning:
I had to detatch myself from him emotionally and become withdrawn to see what he really is. I have to have more respect for myself to not allow myself to be treated this way. I always stayed so the kids would be able to see their father. Now they can't stand the sight of him. We can try with all our might and even succeed, but some things we are better off without. I read your story and I can think, "How could she stay or even want him"? But I have done exactly the same thing but for a lot longer. You deserve better, and even tho it is going to be painful making the transition, trust me, I don't think it will compare to a lifetime of living with someone like this. I know, I've done it. I am getting out as soon as I can get my ducks in a row. I wish you a lot of luck and learn to love yourself enough to not let yourself be subjected to this kind of treatment.
Free

Free Again,

Thank you so much for writing me,and sharing your story.I needed to hear it,it was an eye opener.Something I struggle with is letting GO 100% he's on my mind all the time...what is he thinking? Is he o.k? I've inrolled in classes this Jan...and have been working out,trying to forget about him.
And for some reason I can't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Why?can't I forget maybe with time I shall.Maybe it's because he's over here visiting his son(court ordered).
And I have to deal with him,I just feel so connected..it's so strange.
I can't wait until I can look at him and pitty the man he has become....and not look back!!

I spent 18 years trying to forget and forgive every sorry thing he ever did to me and a couple of years ago, after realizing he was not changing and it was just a cycle, to be reapeated over and over,I started remembering everything that had happened and wrote it all down. It really helped me to see realistically what he was like. It was then that I decided he had a problem and I was in denial about all of it. I am completely detatched from him emotionally now and working on getting my life going again. Good luck!
Free