Mary,

I've been consumed by this site and am sponging everything I possibly can. I am WS-38 BS-36. We are a blended family (4 boys). Just alittle background.

The difficulty and I use the term losely is that you share a treasure (son) with this man who can't seem to get it through his heart that marriage is for life. I have found the hard way is the only way for me to redirect my life. It's the proverbial "you never know what you've lost to you lose it"! As difficult as it is you must stand your ground. Have you Plan B'd him yet? Did you write a formal letter conveying the ground rules? That's a must...and you must stick to it! Even if it means he has to see your son at a mutually agreed upon location (somehwere safe for you and your son). Do not entertain any advances from him. Again, I know what I must do to regain the man I once was!!!

God's Blessing's to you and your son!

I'm steaming right now....really need to vent!!!!

My parents live(were i'm staying) down the road a few miles away from our old home.Ken and Marcy normally Tan at another tanning place closer to our old house.Well,I walked into my tanners and the OW was sitting waiting for my husband to get out from his bed.The lady at the counter asked if I knew Ken(since our last name was the same).
I said yes it's my husband(Marcy smirked)...The gal was like Really!?
Ya were in the middle of a divorce because he's cheating on me with her over there and another girl......Becareful he may try to pick up up next!!
Marcy's smirk stopped
She asked me if I wanted to see him since he was just coming out...I said No thank you,it would be a waist of my time he's an idiot.
Before coming in I saw his car...thought it was his new sports car,But thought I was seeing things...since he claimed he was in Chicago this week.Caught him in yet another lie...he told me the car was not going to be titled in his name until After the divorce that way I couldn't have it.Well it's got his tags on it!!!!!!! I'm gonna go after it now
He called me on his cell and was all nice to me...but I did some big LB,I couldn't hold it back.I asked him to pick which place he was going to tan at because I didn't want to run into him and @###%$%$#$#$%!!!!! And how dare he Lie to me about the car...then I hung up on him.
He has two cars I drive my parents....I have our baby.
WHat a butt head!!!!

I have found the hard way is the only way for me to redirect my life. It's the proverbial "you never know what you've lost to you lose it"! As difficult as it is you must stand your ground. Have you Plan B'd him yet? Did you write a formal letter conveying the ground rules? That's a must...and you must stick to it! Even if it means he has to see your son at a mutually agreed upon location (somehwere safe for you and your son). Do not entertain any advances from him. Again, I know what I must do to regain the man I once was!!!

Catch2222,
After tonight I'm so mad..after running into him and OW...I'm thinking Plan B for my own piece of mind...if I talk to him all I want to do is chew him out.I told him tonight flat out when he called me I'm to my end of the rope,you need to give up the ow or you will be losing me forever!!
I want to give him an ultimatium...so plan B looks good right now.
Do you think it's possible for someone like him to change?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm starting to write my plan B letter,I'll post it before I send it to him.Should I send it through the mail or give it to him?
I'm just to the end of my rope.....he called me back last night.
The only thing he had to say was "Mary,I have already lost you!"
I told him no he hasn't...he needed to leave the Ow and work on us,or yes he will have lost me forever.

"what does that mean in guy talk I've already lost you?!!!!!!"
Any ideas?

Mary,

As a man, I see him still trying to manipulate you! STOP! Breathe! Continue to write your Plan B. Don't know what others think but to post it may not be a bad idea...You have experts all around on this site who are willing to help and objectively at that.

The only way someone is willing and able to change is if he/she has hit bottom. Sounds AA in nature but the whole notion applies to life. If you're working in a career field you may not like but enjoy the good pay and benefits of, you just might sabotage either consciously
or "unconsciously" achieving and fulfilling your dark sides desires! As long as his walk is of this world and not in the light of Christ HE WILL NOT CHANGE! Your Plan B just may be the start of his bottom...be tough in your stance and in your love. Let him know you love him (if you still do), and I'm sure you do or you wouldn't be here! Let him know how much but remind him with your letter that you mean business!!!

Best wishes! Be safe and have a breath filled weekend!

I gotta good laugh out of this one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
One of Kens OW CAlled here looking for him...3 times tonight.Finally I told her look he's not here,like I told you before he's dating other women too, call Star.
(ow)Well I don't have her number!!
Sorry can't help you Ow...
click

Maybe things are starting to finally click in the first OW head!!!
I just thought that was funny he must be with the <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> *other *other women ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you think it's possible for someone like him to change? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but only if he wants to, you cannot make him change or want to change... I think he has a very long way to go before he wants to change and then he has the difficult road ahead of trying to change his ways... He probably will not want to change until he hits rock bottom.. don't think he is there yet and there is no guarentee that he will ever do it. There are things that you can do to help out, like Plan B, and stopping any support that you may be giving to him, especially emotional support.
Hope you had a good weekend... I checked out your pictures..your son is adorable...

Take care,
Dave

Need to VENT!!
I'm in plan B,And have made up my mind that I will not think* about working on saving our marriage any longer..until Ken deals with all the addictions!! Which may never happen...SO I'M MOVEN ON.....I have had it...I have no other choice.
I do so good,when I don't have to deal with him.
Please Help me think of what actions to take now.Since I am in Plan B.
Differant situations,I don't know how to handle..HELP!!
Yesterday I was shopping at the mall...christmas shopping with my little boy.I was walking and looked and there was Ken Marcy and her 2 children.Ken tried to talk to me and see his son,I kept walking.He hasn't come to see him in over a week now...he has no excuses he's too busy with his life.
He was carrying her oldest on his shoulders it just Breaks my Heart.
Did I do THE right THING keep walking...not give him or OW the time of day??
Another thing is he stopped by last night with her in the car,said he had bought Kieran a coat..I told him Just pay child support I'll pick out the clothes.I don't need your girlfriends picking out my sons clothes.
Then shut the door,I haven't taken any of his calls...
I'M SO UPSET....I had two people call me saying they saw Ken with another women,people I haven't talked with in yrs!!!
Then I explained were divorcing ect...but still it's so desrispectful(sp?)of him to parade OW around town
I feel that everywhere I go I am going to run into him..I swear I have bad luck.

Mary, I have been in the exact situation, in a mall, I did the same thing, keep walking.
I felt bad that I didn't let the kids see their mom but there is plently of other time for visits.
Right now, you have to do what is best for you and if that means avoiding contact with him then that is what you do and you don't feel bad about it. You are in a difficult period of time, but it will get better.

Plan B is a last resort to save your marriage and to save your love for the WS. It sounds like you are beyond plan B, you are letting go, giving up, and eventually you will move on. The first step is letting go, a very difficult thing to do. There is no easy solutions, I think that developing a plan and sticking to it, unless things change with him, is the best for you. I think you said previously that you have a support group, that will help, so will IC. Think about what is best for you and your son, develop a plan around that, and stick to it, keep coming here for support. I am sure that if you have not already done so, you will find many others in the same situation here.. I post alot on the thread called
Tough Love, it is very long but there are alot of great people there... check it out if you have alot of reading time on your hands.
Hang in there,
Dave

Hey Dave and anyone else who may be reading this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

First of all I wanted to say Thank you,something clicked in my brain...I have been struggling with it the past 2 weeks.What to do..Plan B or A or to just completly Let GO!!
My Heart is letting go on it's own,his actions help me let him go.
I still Love him/Care about him deeply But...as I told him You ripped this family apart,I Forgave you and wanted to work things out..You didn't choose to go in that direction.

I feel like I have been slapped in the face one too many times.

I told him from now on he can make an appointment to see Kieran..no more 8:30-9pm at night, buisness!!
Just call a day ahead,and I won't be here my mom will supervise the visits.We can only talk about Kieran/and Legal issue's.

I also LB'd <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wish I would have held my tongue but i told him...

Ya know what,instead of Playing Daddy With ow kids..you should be seeing your son...so do not give me anymore excuses!!

Well I'm still his dad.

Yes, You are...but to me I think of you as a sperm donor,IF YOU TRULY LOVED YOUR SON YOU WOULDN'T BE RIPPING HIS FAMILY APART!!
I'm done you come to me when and if you get help!

I'll check out the Tough Love thread...

Thanx for saying my little punkins cute,yes He's my Angel...
I'll post more tomarrow..I had another shop tell ya drop day.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> no sign of Keb <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bump* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Listen, I would have LBed too. How dare he play daddy to another kid when he doesn't spend time with his. Plan B sounds correct to me. Enough!!
He is acting like a cakeman getting needs met by any woman that comes along. He needs a dose of reality.

BUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY GOD!! I looked at your pics-you are beautiful--sorry, he's an idiot! WS can be so stupid. Is he manic depressive? I can't imagine anyone who is not mentally ill leaving such a beautiful family. He would die of jealosy if he thought about you with someone else...and I am a BW too. Bump

Just a update on my situation.Everything went great yesterday,took my son out got home around 730.I went tanning,as I walked out of the tanning salon(I always park 5 feet from the door) Ken was standing smoking leaning on the building.
He was alone,but gave me the expression of suprise suprise.....
I stopped for 2 min,gave him an excuse I need to get home my shows on soon and have to tape it.

I was unlocking my car and his mouth was still going.
Saying things like I will fight you...if you think our son isn't going to have everyother weekend with me.
Be ready for the courtroom he said.
I left
He is making this so much a headache!!
He's starting to get alittle BOLD NOW,he was talking in front of other men and women children..since there where people walking around.
Not even bothered by the topics being spoke.
Cheating
Abuse
people were looking at him......

He doesn't like the loss of control. Reality is hitting him. He has had his cake and eaten it too and now you are calling his bluff. Good for you. Keep up the good work. You are fighting for your life.

HI Mary, well, maybe you LB but I can certainly understand... maybe you can try to keep it just related to your son instead of bringing the other family into it... I totally understand your perspective, I would feel the same way. but you may get better results with him to express things like " I feel that you are not being a good role model, a good father, a good person. etc etc without comparing to OW.
As I previous stated, I think you and your son are going to be better with out him, I have not seen anything from him to even realize that he is the cause of the problem.....
There are some many people (men) out there that would be so thankful to have a beautiful healthy family as he had... he is truely in the fog.
I am glad to see you are getting stonger..
Mabye I see you other on the other thread..
Take care yourself and your son, keep praying to God for strength..
Dave

Thank you NJ

I think well I know he has to have mental issues'..in the past they thought he had a borderline personality disorder and narrsitic(sp?) personality disorder.
Just like Dave posted ..he doesn't seem to think he has any issue's to take care of.
Your right NJ,HE IS A CAKE MAN!!
And I have been enabling him,by trying to be there for him...
Like my dad has said to me before,I have let him call the shots,and have always waited around for him to deciede.
Now I'm calling the shots....
My Love bank is bare well maybe there's 10% left of love..out of 100%
He has to hit his wall* before he can wake up(if he does)to see he had everything HE NEEDED.
Whats funny is he once wrote a song called "You've Got everything you need"

Words went something like this

Soon the sun is setting and everyone will be watching there Tv screens
blah blah(k i'm trying to remember the words)
People will you open your eyes and see you've got everything you need....sooo far away sooo far away from here

This is Bad I'm forgetting his songs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
He's great with writting I just don't remember them anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

hang in there
bump

I'm hoping and praying that a year will pass fast...I've got a couple hurdles added to my situation here...
My mom confided in me that her and my dad are having problems,and the past two days they have been screaming at each other...my dad works very hard 12 hour days 6-7 days a week.
Since he works hard he feels he deserves to spend as he wants.
So it been tense here..my son I don't want him around fighting...my dad won't go to a finacial advisor,or for counsling.
I have one year and i'll be out of school HOPEFULLY BACK OUT ON MY OWN.
I just hope this fighting passes..
I know 5 people getting divorced right now,this scares me to death!!

UPDATE NEED INSIGHT HERE!!

I got a letter in the mail from Ken(ws),a very long letter.

The main point in it was this..

Mary I was Very Unhappy for the past 3 in a half years.I told my dad a year before I started dating that I wanted a divorce I hated the way you treated me.My dreams ment nothing to you,I thought going into our marriage that you KNEW what I was about..who I was.BUT found out you didn't,I promised my dad I would try for one more year.
I couldn't stand living with you anymore.
You were too controling,I hated it when you were on my back when I wanted to record over Mikes house.You were depressed,unhappy,and I knew I deserved better.The only reason I was angry,and delt with anger problems was because you pushed my buttons and I hated being married to you that much!
We have been emotionally divorced for along time,you never wanted to go out to the bars with me and watch my friends bands play.You would never leave our son to spend time with me.
I feel that I have tried everything to save our marriage.I was saving my sanity by leaving it!
Every month that passes makes me hate you more,because of what your doing to me.
I could have really got you in court but..since I'm not that way I let things slide.
Unlike you,you had to make sure our son was kept from me and that I should take over the rental,along with the utilities.
I find this SICK
I can never consider going back into a relationship with you when you play these cards.
There is no reason I shouldn't have our son everyother weekend,and you should be paying these bills along with me.
Everyday you wake up and leave things this way,is another reason why I will never be with you again.

Ohh my.....