Mary,

There is so much I would love to tell you but I am not sure if you would be receptive of what I had to say. My heart goes out to you. Your pictures made you so real to me.

You husband has been taken captive by Satan to do his will. God is allowing this to bring you and your husband closier to him. You may be the only one praying for your husband's soul. Your husband is not your enemy,Satan is.

my husand could have said a lot of the same things about me and did. Especially the controling part. I thought I was doing what was best, but God has shown me differently.

When I was in so much pain and had not hope, I cried out to God and He sent me to this web site.
www.restorem.org. I ordered the book and God spoke to me. I have learned so much about marriage and why most marriage fail any more. I have a heart for all marriages that are in trouble now. I have learned there is a differnet way. God's way. Most think they are doing things Gods way but I found that most are not. I sure wasn't. The book there is all Gods word written by someone who has been were we have been(a failed marriage).It changed me and has brought me so much closier to the Lord.

God stopped my divorce and He is working on my marriage. I have learned to depend on God for ALL things. We cannot change anyone but we can allow God to change us. God turns the heart whichever why He wants. As I have grown closier to God, my relationshio with my husband has improved. We get along great now and go the church together with our daughters.

I have nothing to gain by sending you to this site. I believe you have every thing to gain. God wants all your heart and your husband's and he will do anything to get His children's attention.
Please go there order the book and let God turn things around for you. It is a very narrow road, but something tells me you can do it. You have already gone so far. Let God speak to you. It really works.

gentle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You husband has been taken captive by Satan to do his will. God is allowing this to bring you and your husband closier to him. You may be the only one praying for your husband's soul. Your husband is not your enemy,Satan is.

my husand could have said a lot of the same things about me and did. Especially the controling part. I thought I was doing what was best, but God has shown me differently.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gentle,
I would Love to hear any advice.I too think Satan has got ahold of my husband,and was slowly pulling me into the mud too.
I checked out the web site,thank you...

Mary,

I am so glad you went to the web site. I could tell by reading your post that you are willing to stand with god to heal your husband. It may take a while but God will help you thru it and you will come out a much better person with a closier relationship to the Lord. I know because God has done all this for me and what He does for one He will do for all. We must have faith.

This is a narrow rode but one God will reward you for in His time. Don't let Satan take anything else from your family. I know you can fight the good battle with the Lord. Remember it is a spiritual battle and must be fought in the spirit.

If you have any questions please let me know. I don't have all the answers but, God's word does.
Order the book and you will be blessed by what you read.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

gentle

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ohhh Boy WHAT DO I DO NOW!?
I'm in plan B(Modified)
WS...came for visitation called my mom and asked if he could pop in since he was driving by.I was not home at the time,got home and he was in the livingroom with our son.
I was planning on going to Toysrus by myself..and he said " ohh it would be fun can I please come with".It would really help me feel like I was apart of our sons Christmas.(Even though I was paying)
I said no I think it's not be a good idea.Then my mom says well why not!!!..she took me aside and said It's a big deal for him.
O.k so off all 3 of us went to ToysRus.

Of COURSE he started talking.....and this is what he said!!

**I need you to help me out,so I can continue to Live in this state.I need $400 a month towards bills...please do not force me to have to move out of state in with my parents!

I will Give up both OW,and will not talk or see them again.

I will go to any counsler you wish.And will fallow there direction.

However I can't promise things will work out for us,I still don't know if we can be in a relationship,but want to start off slow.

I told him I would think about it and get back with him.

There's still the issue's of one of the OW work's next door to his work.And how do I really know he wouldn't be seeing here.

He never brought up anything about being sorry,it was more like I drove him to another, and it wasn't an affair just dating.

Nor did he bring up what he was going to do to change his anger/abusive past/and drug use.

It's a thread of hope,but what does he really want here....money or me??

Any wise advice???!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BetrayedByMyBestFriend:
<strong>**I need you to help me out,so I can continue to Live in this state.I need $400 a month towards bills...please do not force me to have to move out of state in with my parents!

Any wise advice???!!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((Mary)))

No real "wise" advice, I just find it ironic that in his "attempt" to make ammends, he once again lays the burden of blame upon you...

Stay Strong!!

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Hey Mary
As you may recall, we met on the Tough Love thread. So I realize I'm jumping in here in the middle of this one but since I knew your background thought it might be OK

As I was reading what he said, the red flags were flying all over the place. I won't write each one individually...because I think in your common sense you can tell where he's coming from. He basically wants to USE you (yet again) to get what he wants (stay in state and be a "cake eater"). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is GREAT that he will see another counselor. I would take him up on that offer immediately. Depending on that counselor's "take" on your troubling situation, and your husbands sincerity (or lack thereof), let that help guide you. There is a lot of co-dependency going on here...and I'd hate for you to be suckered into another situation that would be no better than before he left. He really needs to get his own act together before he is a suitable father and husband. And nothing that he said (by what you wrote) shows that he even has considered that. He is blaming you for it all and "drove him to OW" ??

Oh, and your husband needs $400/month?? Where does he expect that to come from? You're living with your parents, and don't work (I think). Does he want them to pay him support now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
One more thing...I would gently remind your mom to not go "against" you in front of him. It makes things awkward, and it is very possible he was trying to win her over to "his side" before you got home. Privately would be another matter, however. Sometimes parents provide another side of things that is good to hear.

You are a VERY smart girl. Stand strong!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just find it ironic that in his "attempt" to make ammends, he once again lays the burden of blame upon you...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too thats why I didn't just say oh K here's the money now can we go to counseling.
Which in the past I might have done when we were living together.He Believes in his thinking soo strongly,he truly believes I was to blame.If I would have cared about him I would have changed the things he asked of me before he strayed.
*Look my best for him
*Clean/cook
*pay half of all bills
*Support his dream in music
*He wanted me to be a porn star in bed

One thing thats a HUGE red flag(this is why I hate porn)Sex is just sex to him....he wouldn't even Kiss me when we had sex....IS THAT WIERD OR WHAT??
Why this just came to my mind I have no clue.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BetrayedByMyBestFriend:
*Look my best for him
*Clean/cook
*pay half of all bills
*Support his dream in music
*He wanted me to be a porn star in bed

he wouldn't even Kiss me when we had sex....IS THAT WIERD OR WHAT??

Why this just came to my mind I have no clue.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know gurl, but you need to get that stuff out of your mind. LOL.... Actually, I believe if you did some kind of poll you would find that more common than you think. My X, wouldn't give me emotional sex either. Whether I initiated it or she did, it was like Wham Bam Thank you Ma'am.

Ironically, during my last encounter with her 464 days ago and counting, I got what I had longed for for years. Only problem was it was just a game and caused more pain.

The things you mentioned above, I think those are reasonable for two happy people, meeting each other needs and "in love". But that's not the reality of your situation and I guess you didn't want to just PLAY house you wanted a real relationship, shame on you....

Anyway, I've read through some of your posts and you sound like you are a strong woman. I think you need to set some guidelines with your family. As for Ken, I really question his motives, maturity, and ability to maintain a healthy relationship. If I'm off base, I'm sorry.

Someone mentioned "red flags", well I'm a racing fan and I see a whole bunch of colors of flags...

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

He basically wants to USE you (yet again) to get what he wants (stay in state and be a "cake eater").

Avondale,
Yes please jump right in I love hearing input..I'm always checking myself to make sure I did the right thing..all MB friends are wonderful and I'm very thankful for any advice!!!!

Those red flags were a flying too!!
I just heard those words I'll give up Ow..thats when that glimmer of hope came in.
I had a response for what he said..

*Well if you wern't such a crappy wife,maybe I wouldn't have jumped to see if there were people out there who would make me feel special..if anyone thought I was even special.And I found out there are very caring people out there.

Why didn't you go for help...counsling why did you leave the marriage?

*I just wanted out,had enough..you only live once..I didn't feel married to you anymore.After you found the porn,I thought it was over and thats when I met her and she treated me good.But there's alot going on in both OW's lives right now..

Do you understand that when you got up in front of your family and friends and pledged your vows.We became one...you having sex with Ow,was like taking my body(since were one)and not asking me...almost like raping my soul.

*You know if someone who was raped heard you talk like that they would kill you ,you know Ow was when she was younger...how dare you say that!

*Mary I don't know who your getting your advice from but..who ever it is they don't have our sons best interest in hand.

Depending on that counselor's "take" on your troubling situation, and your husbands sincerity (or lack thereof), let that help guide you. There is a lot of co-dependency going on here...and I'd hate for you to be suckered into another situation that would be no better than before he left. He really needs to get his own act together before he is a suitable father and husband. And nothing that he said (by what you wrote) shows that he even has considered that. He is blaming you for it all and "drove him to OW" ??

Ya Big RED FLAGS.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh, and your husband needs $400/month?? Where does he expect that to come from? You're living with your parents, and don't work (I think). Does he want them to pay him support now?
One more thing...I would gently remind your mom to not go "against" you in front of him. It makes things awkward, and it is very possible he was trying to win her over to "his side" before you got home. Privately would be another matter, however. Sometimes parents provide another side of things that is good to hear.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told my mom never to do that again...it was very awkward.
My WS...makes around 1,600-2,000 a month more like 1,600 then the rest out of his studio(that I can't prove for child support)under the table.

I work 40 hours from home watching my nephew who is autistic..we go on field trips/lots of educational stuff..I get to bring my little guy along too.
I make about 600 a week take home..(this job is a massive God SENT).My hours will be cut in half after Jan when my schools starts.
I plan on being here a year then moving into my own place.

He even asked me to move back into our old place,he'd move out and live with a buddie.
That way our son could have his own room(so he put it).Or just until the lease is up for me to pay 400 towards the 800 rent.Even though judge said I didn't have to pay it,since he asked me to leave.
He claims he won't be able to pay child support and rent,so is attorney said go bankrupt.
He said so if we pay this until the lease is up or until the landlord rerents it...I won't have to move to my parents and Kieran will have his father.
Plus I'll do counsling and give up Ow.

Tooooo many red flags...he thinks i'm evil,cold and heartless if I don't help him.

Mary
Another thing I thought of, as you were talking in more detail financially, is this. Yes, he probably does not report the money he makes musically (mine did but that was his main income and he's the exception). If your H claims he can't pay child support, make sure your lawyer knows the equipment that your H owns. I am quite sure there is LOTS of money tied up in that recording equipment, and those are JOINT assets. They do NOT belong to just him because they were bought when you were married. Any lawyer will know that, and a good one will know how to use that to your advantage financially. It might even be that he would have to liquidate these assets either now or later to make a fair settlement. If you know who any of the manufacturer's are, year purchased, etc., start doing your own inventory of it! You can even shop around for them on the net to determine their resale value.

Mary, I know you don't need advise on this but I agree with LH and Advondale, major red flags here.
He is the main source of the problem, until he realizes that his ways are the issue, there can be no reconciliation.... A marriage is only has healthy as the individuals that are in it..and we all know that at this point in his life he is not healthy. Maybe some day he will be but only with alot of IC and work on his behalf, some people never change, others do, usually after they hit rock bottom. Big question is do you want to wait around for something that may or may never happen?
Only you can decide when is enough time...
I think right now the CS has him scared and that is the only reason that he is saying this.. I wish I could be more optimistic but "when nothing changes, nothing changes."

Take care,
Dave

He is behind in child support 1,200 right now so they uped his 110 to 130 a week.
I would only be getting 60 a week if I didn't put child care in there...of course he thinks thats not fair and will fight it.
As for his gear,i've been trying hard to remember what he had..
I know I bought him a Imac and flat screen,cd burner,sound card for the computer.He gets all the soft wear free from friends.
I bought him Bongo Drums
he has 8 guitars
Bose speakers which were 800 dollars
Mics and stands
He had things in boxes too!!
He has wall to wall of stuff everywhere.

I think right now the CS has him scared and that is the only reason that he is saying this.. I wish I could be more optimistic but "when nothing changes, nothing changes."

*****Thanks Dave I think it could be too..and nothing has changed.