I was at a small social gathering tonight, and in the midst of one conversation someone asked someone howcome a certain couple split up. The answer was, "Oh he had affairs on her."

My H has already taken to telling his parents, his brothers, 1 of his grandparents, his aunt and uncle, not to mention about 5 people he works with that I cheated on him, and we're only separated at this point.

He said he had to tell them the truth b/c they all would otherwise assume he cheated on me.

So what do you tell people about why you divorced? Do you protect your former spouse's reputation, or do you tell the blunt truth? Why do you tell it the way you do?

I feel sick inside imagining my H telling everyone and anyone for the rest of my life that we got a divorce because I cheated on him.

Jen

Well Jen,

that is the one of the downsides of learning the hard way.

Second, there is an easy way out, because you do not have any kids, you simply move away to a place where you and your X's social groups do not ever mix.

Now, granted, that might take a little time, but now you must learn from your mistakes, realize that bad reputations and gossip spread much farther than good news, and everyone wants to feel good about themselves knowing everyone else's misery and faults.

Well, my suggestion is to learn to accept that you have made a mistake that is tops on the gossip list, is one that is grave and serious, and can break trust irrepairably. And now, find a new life farther away from where you currently live, and start all over again, and be sure that you have some counseling to understand how you got yourself into this situation.

wiftty

Hey jen, i tell anyone that asks why i got divorced the first time, my wife found a "better" guy at the bar, of corse he dumped her before we even divorced, and so did the last 4 "great" guys she met, she's still single after 12 years, must be that great personality that keeps guys running the other way... in fact i usually say she did me a favor, because i would have endured her crap forever. If he blames you, why should he keep quiet about it, you messed up and he's hurt, what do you think he's going to say??

Jen

---I was at a small social gathering tonight, and in the midst of one conversation someone asked someone howcome a certain couple split up. The answer was, "Oh he had affairs on her."---

TR- They ask because they are nosey..

--My H has already taken to telling his parents, his brothers, 1 of his grandparents, his aunt and uncle, not to mention about 5 people he works with that I cheated on him, and we're only separated at this point. ---

TR- He told because he felt he needed to be open and honest with them..and so that they could be supportive of him and his hurt..

--So what do you tell people about why you divorced? Do you protect your former spouse's reputation, or do you tell the blunt truth? Why do you tell it the way you do?--

TR- I guess it depends on who is asking..some people it's none of their business so that is what I tell them..

If you feel obligated to protect your spouses or ex-spouses reputation..then do so..if you feel a need to be honest with them..then be honest with them..

--I feel sick inside imagining my H telling everyone and anyone for the rest of my life that we got a divorce because I cheated on him.--

TR- Why do you feel sick inside? You made a huge mistake as many of here have done..can you accept you made this mistake and learn from it, learn why you felt you made that choice for yourself?

And most importantly--have you sought and accepted God's forgiveness? have you also asked your H to forgive you? He may not be able to forgive you at this time..and that is okay, because that is between he and God..but when we seek forgiveness, it's for US..not the other person..as the Bible says that if we remember that our brother has ought against us, or we have ought against our brother, we are the one's who are supposed to go and seek forgiveness--(paraphrased)

BUT, their forgiving us is between them and God..as the Bible also says that if we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us..(Mat 6:14-15)

Now in that...I also see that means we are also supposed to forgive ourselves..in that God says we are supposed to forgive those who have ought against us or hurt us..and when we live in guilt from our actions that is a form of ought against ourselves..

Don't worry to much about what is said to or by others as they are not your judge--just know that if You've truly sought God's forgiveness, He has forgiven you..and that His opinion of you is really all that matters..if others opinions of you are MORE important to you than that of God's then you are placing them above God..and you are in essence making them a god over your life..

That in my humble opinion is what it truly means to be 'free' in Christ..

Perhaps it is all part of the selfishness that led to me being dumb enough to have an affair, but I am not willing to hang my head and move away to some other place away from my family and friends and my job that I've worked so hard to establish myself in.

You see, if my H intends to blab all over town, does that mean perhaps I should be equally as blunt and truthful and tell the world about his inappropriately close relationships with 2 of his female friends/colleagues? Somehow I don't feel like stooping to that level and tarnishing his reputation. I still love the man and don't want to bring him harm....

"TR- He told because he felt he needed to be open and honest with them..and so that they could be supportive of him and his hurt.."

He also told them because several of them were accusing him of having had an affair with one of the two close female friends of his.

"Why do you feel sick inside? You made a huge mistake as many of here have done..can you accept you made this mistake and learn from it, learn why you felt you made that choice for yourself?

And most importantly--have you sought and accepted God's forgiveness? have you also asked your H to forgive you? "

I feel sick inside because I never wanted to be this evil person that I've become, the selfish, cheating adultress. That's not who I am, it's what I regretedly did. I can accept the mistake and learn from it, yes. I've been to counselling, I've learned A LOT about myself and my marriage.

I have asked for God's forgiveness, time and time again. I know I was granted it the very first time I asked, but when I find myself mired deep in guilt over what I have done, it feels like I need to ask for his forgiveness again to forgive myself.

"TR- I guess it depends on who is asking..some people it's none of their business so that is what I tell them.."

I guess that's what I wonder, how many people are viciously agressive about telling any and all people who ask that their spouse cheated on them, and how many of you have chosen to tell most people (who aren't family or close friends) that it's none of their business.

My guess is the non-Christians agressively tell all who ask the brutal truth, and the Christians tactfully say "things didn't work out, and beyond that I don't care to discuss it."

For those of you that think it's time to attack a FWS and try to make her see how much pain she has caused, I have been living and breathing that pain, and am more than well aware of it.

Jen

Jen,
I didn't tell many people, including my family, when I found out about my H's affair. I found out in Aug. and my grandmother had just died. I felt incredibly lonely and even though I had a lot of friends, could not tell anyone. I was ashamed and shocked and felt that I was going through enough pain then to tell other people and have them feel bad for me. So I only told a co-worker and she helped. But then my H told his parents and lived with them and even though they knew what he did, his mom still cooked/cleaned/did laundry/bought things for him, and it devastated me. I don't think his mom did it "against" me, but it still hurt to see someone taking care of my WH when I was alone. So in October I told my best friend and in November when he said it was over I told my dad and my brother (actually WH told my brother because they were close friends- my brother was so upset) and more friends. I told my mom in Dec. My H was not doing anything to help me heal and he kept keeping in contact with her. He started divorce in December and was an absolute monster and I changed papers to say adultery and then he started coming back and acting like he missed me. Come to find out, he told me in Feb. that he had found out she was pregnant 12/15 and that it scared him and woke him up to the terrible things he had done to me. I was devastated again and didn't want to tell anyone about the baby. We were going to work on things, but he told his parents when I asked him not to (he hasn't seemed to get the concept in Gen. 2:24 about leaving mom and dad and cleaving to your wife) and they freaked and want him to be a full time dad and think our marriage is irrepairable. SO this brought guilt/doubt in my WH's mind and then I think he was unsure already, so he left me again a week later and said he had to be a full time dad. I still waited a few weeks to tell anyone about the baby, but my mom started noticing i was being weird so I told her and then told more family. I finally told some friends. It is just SO amazingly hurtful- some days it is hard to breathe. So if your H tells people, don't think it is to spite you necessarily (it might be, I don't know but for me it wasn't) but to try to make sense of it, and to quit hiding things and to accept reality. Sometimes I do now catch myself telling people that don't need to know, and I feel bad about that- I can tell it is because the hurt is still fresh. In that way I do think it is wrong to blab. But overall for me, it is a way of healing, and also because yes, I do want people to know that I did not commit adultery, so that if I were to get married again in the future, other people would know I did what I could to save my first marriage. BUT People's opinions matter much less than God's Word, and God forgives all things. I truly hope that H and OW turn their lives around and I pray for them many many times- I know that they could be great witnesses and examples of Christ's undying love. I hope you use your experience to overcome the guilt and the nastiness, and that you are able to know that God does forgive and that you can change your whole life around and people will see your light.
Take care......
Adgirl 48 (michele)

Oh and one more thing- your H was wrong if he had an EA with "close female friends" and I am sorry if he hurt you in that way too. I know that I was not the best wife I could have been either, and I do try to reflect that I needed to change some of my ways too (patience, less anger, etc)

Here's what I do...I told my friends and family what happened, and a few co-workers who I am close to. I told them we were getting divorced and the reason is because she cheated...usually, I do add that we are both responsible for growing apart, but I think that the marriage was saveable until she had an affair and lied repeatedly to me.

I don't announce it to the world, because frankly, I am ashamed that I have gone through a divorce. It's an embarrassing part of my life and I really don't want to discuss it more than I have to. I'd like to move on.

Most people don't ask me about it. I'd prefer it go through the rumor mill because I don't like having people feel sorry for me (that's the response I get when I tell people).

I protected her reputation for months, and she repaid me by leaving. I have no intentions of smearing her, but when people ask what happened, I tell the truth. I don't get into details because people don't ask for them (unless they've got issues of their own).

I've said it before, that I believe your H most likely did have an affair...he may realize that other people probably feel this way too and is trying to protect his own reputation by throwing all of the mud onto you.

Things are not always as they seem...a pre-emptive smear campaign should not be taken at face value...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>
My guess is the non-Christians agressively tell all who ask the brutal truth, and the Christians tactfully say "things didn't work out, and beyond that I don't care to discuss it."

Jen</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it is your reputation you are worried about, I suggest you avoid bigoted generalizations such as this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

adgirl, thanks for sharing your perspective.

hoping4best, indeed I feel like he's slinging mud at me to detract from negative attention coming his way for his behaviour. That's what frustrates me.

"I protected her reputation for months, and she repaid me by leaving."

This is an example of why, against all the recommendations of my friends and family, I feel like just waiting until he files for Dv, even if I have to wait quite a while. I don't want him to be able to tell people that not only did I cheat on him, but I left or I filed for divorce too.

However, I did sort of leave him. I moved out when he suggested the possibility because I was fed up with being treated poorly by him. He wanted nothing to do with me during the day, but would come home at night horny wanting sex, without committment.

superfr3ak, you're right. I let my anger get ahold of me here. Sorry for that remark. I can't stand it when people go off about "the Christian thing to do", so I shouldn't talk like that either.

Jen

My x and I divorced 13 years ago. Anybody who knows me well, knows that my x cheated numerous times. I didn't tell so that he would look bad. I told (and continue to tell) because I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

However, I didn't tell a soul while we were still married, nor have I ever told his family. I wanted him to be able to maintain his dignity with his them. That's all the consideration I feel I owe him.

His family, friends, or anyone else who asks... I tell them what he said --- he decided after 13 years of marriage that he didn't want children, didn't want a wife, and didn't want to be here - and he left!

That's what happened. If he wants dignity - he has to earn it!

Jan

Oh yeah --- he tells everyone I ran him off and pitched him out of the house, to which most of his friends reply "What took her so long?"

Needless to say - he's not a favorite person - even in his 'circles'...

<small>[ April 19, 2003, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: sj2 ]</small>

JenBrown,
I am glad Superfr3eak said that about a bigoted generalization, and I know you apologized and that is fine, but since it is out there....
BECAUSE I am a Christian, I tell people the truth when they ask. This is because as a Christian, I am to be committed, responsible, loving and TRUTHFUL. I have spent the last 8 months dealing with a lying WH who wanted me to just tell people he was immature. I am not doing that. God hates divorce, and while lovebusting does not help a marriage (and I did plenty of it) the only reasons He gives for allowing divorce are adultery and an unbeliever leaving a believer. I have admitted and confessed to having too much anger and impatience. Because my relationship with God is so important, I don't want people to think that I just gave up on my marriage, when I did everything possible to reconcile. Much more than a lot of people would have, trust me. And I am still praying for God's will and for my WH to go to God and know that with Him all things are possible. I encourage you too, instead of worrying about what your H says about you, when people ask YOU - then you tell them the truth. It is a step to healing for YOU and confessing your sins and asking forgiveness will help bring you peace I think. And if people judge you- that is their problem. If you are truly repentative, God will help you - He loves you and is ready to lead your paths. It is like AA- "I am Jen, a recovering cheater"- you know- people do change and you don't always have to just be a cheat. Your life can mean a lot more. Just like "I am Michele- a recovering angry person". Everyone has skeletons. It's what you make of them that counts.

My statement of "I protected her reputation for months, and she repaid me by leaving" does not apply in your situation. Your husband hasn't protected your reputation.

I found out about my wife's affair in August. I suspected it from the beginning of 2002. However, even after finding out, I didn't tell anyone but a friend from college, who vowed secrecy, so that if she ever came around, she would not be smeared. Even after she left, I didn't tell anyone for a week and a half until I finally realized that it was over. After that, I didn't care anymore and decided to shine the light on what was going on.

If I were you, I wouldn't care what others think. If you do divorce and someone asks why, tell them your story like this:

"It was a marriage that had problems. Both my husband and I behaved inappropriately at times. I was hurting, and at a time of weakness, I cheated. After a few weeks, I realized the error of my ways, and tried to reconcile. After an extended period of time, my husband could not forgive me and treated me poorly (abusively???). I felt a need to move on with my life, so I left. I am not proud of my actions, and I have learned from my mistakes."

If you say something like this to anybody, they will realize that you messed up, but at least you learned from it. Most people will accept this.

Hope this helps...

my serious answer,

"because one of us had a MLC and refused to accept personal responsibilities."

In your case I would just say that "growing up mistakes were made that would not be forgiven." and leave it at that. leaves them wondering what and whom.

vagueness, and if you don't smear your X, and be private about it, you will retain more friends, and even find a few new ones, i suspect.

wiftty

It depends on their need to know.

"He had a midlife crisis when things weren't going his way at work and decided that he hadn't been happy for a long time." That's the answer sometimes.

"We had a management reorganization and fired each other." That's the answer for people who don't need to know.

"I couldn't keep house to his satisfaction and he couldn't deal with that though I met all his other emotional needs. Things weren't going his way at work with all his peers being promoted but he couldn't move up due to his boss not being easily promotable. And the grapevine had him linked to a woman with whom he was required to work. He said she was divorced, had two small children, no one there to help her and he felt sorry for her. He thought he had a chance at happiness and, though it was only a chance, he was willing to do to his wife and his children the same things he hated seeing in that woman's life." That's the answer I give to people who need to know the truth.

Jen,

My heart goes out to you. I've been following your story for some time. I wish my stbxWW had shown half the effort and remorse and desire to rebuild that you have. Had she, I know I wouldn't be here.

I tell people this: Our marriage had some struggles with her infertility and my epilepsy. Things weren't easy, but we loved each other. However, we had been growing apart for some time. Towards the end some things happened that accelerated the ending and made divorce inevitable.

She tells people and I know this from her having accidentally cc'd me on an email to one of her current cybersex lovers: I was neglectful and abusive to her for years. She was continually reaching out for me and just when she needed me the most I divorced her as payback out of jealousy.

The truth: is somewhere in between those 2 stories, but I think it's closer to mine. I was neglectful in that I was very focused on my work and worked WAY TOO MUCH. I need to change that about me. But, she was never abused. And it's only a matter of time before she either realizes it or gives herself up to a way of life predicated on never-ending lies.

Another truth though is this: in divorce there is a timeless story where the guy says the woman is a slut and the woman says the guy is an abusive lout. EVERYONE expects it. Mentally, I've labeled it Bitter Spouse Syndrome and when I catch myself doing it, I stop. Be different Jen. One of the worst things is a cheating heart. But even worse than that is an unremorseful cheater who blames everyone else and won't take responsibility. And, your spouse has some MAJOR issues too. I guarantee that his failings are VERY OBVIOUS to other people too.

My advice to you is to bring your story up into a greater/higher context of a struggling marriage and admit that you both made mistakes. Don't go into detail. Most people don't want the nitty gritty and ugly details. If they press for details and you feel that it's appropriate to reveal more... ask yourself... "Is my revealing that I had an affair going to help this relationship?"

If you decide to go into detail about what happened with you and that guy, I strongly suggest that you be ready to discuss and show the steps you have taken and the promises you have bound yourself to that will prevent it from happening again.

Only me, her, our counselor, and a couple friends that she told knew about her first 3 affairs. But after she left us and I found out about her fourth affair, I realized that my 'protecting' her was really enabling her. I decided that although I wished that it had never happened, and had almost killed myself trying to come to her side, there was nothing in her that was worth my effort. I decided that although I wouldn't run around preaching it, neither would I hide behind it. I was not ashamed. I hate it. I despise it. I would have done anything to put it down or deal with it had she even remotely tried. However the 4th man was more than I could bear. It was when she showed me that this wasn't about me, it wasn't a vague lapse of judgement... it was just who and what she is. She left, filed, and I thought OK.

I however, have not told any of her friends, co-workers (although her assistant principal was an integral part taking naked pictures of her for her internet lovers) or 'her' family, other than telling her mother about a single affair she had, and I didn't go into details. I just said that I had forgiven her for her affair, but she was leaving anyway. Literally those were the words.

She said that she just wanted to say "We just couldn't get along." Yep, I couldn't be what and who she wanted, many times over. I am proud of that, because she accused me of being a person who "Could never do anything that I knew was wrong." I only pray that is close to true.

I too, however went through the 'slut' phase early on. I figured, that it was the closest descriptor for her given her actions. But now, I am just sorry for her. I wish that our divorce didn't have to happen. But she has never made any attempt what so ever to try. I will not go back to what I now realize I had to deal with. But I would think about a new life.

Basically, your reputation is based upon what you are like and what you have done. I think that if the shoe fits... Then perhaps the reputation is deserved...

Jen,

Just a couple of thoughts...

If I had to guess, I would say that my XW's answer to "why did you get divorced" would be the old "it just didn't work out" line. I DO know that she told her new BF all about her infidelity, so I think it is probably on a "need to know" basis.

For myself, I spent the first year or so bitterly telling anyone and everyone that she cheated on me. After awhile, I actually got TIRED of telling the story! It was bringing me down, so I changed my answer. Now, when someone asks why we got divorced, I just say:

"That's easy...we never should have gotten married."

That seems to satisfy most people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Thread. No affairs in my M (that I know).
Lyxa's line </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was neglectful and abusive to her for years. She was continually reaching out for me and just when she needed me the most </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">would be what I'd like my H to say, because that's how I view it.
To those who don't need to know "He wasn't the man I thought he was".
To others, he had many problems I didn't realize, and I enabled his bad behavior, his poor parenting, and his inability to grow up.

I too had a problem with the IL's and still do, as they are enabling him even more than i ever did.

I tell people that I am learning every day how to become a better person and to understand why I allowed such a situation to occur when I am an intelligent woman. I am not ashamed to be divorcing, I am more ashamed of my poor judgement in choosing a husband. I saw what I wanted to see, and I see him much more clearly now.

Jen, it matters most how you are dealing with it inside yourself, and between you and God. I know I need to work on forgiveness, but I also know that God brought the right people (friends) into my life which allowed me to realize that D is the best decision for me.