It depends on the day I guess... some days I just say H had a zipper problem... other days, days I'm bitter, I tell all (and I'm a practicing Christian who leads a ministry).

It bothers me that after a year of being separated... I have bitter days... they are fewer and further apart, but I still have them.

I would hate being on the other side... I would hate for my H to say some of the things I say! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I hope you can hold your head high through this and hold onto your self worth!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cjack,

I like your reply of never should have gotten married...

I tire of having to explain and now I don't say much. Easter was a difficult time today. I told my parents, who did relay the information to the rest of the family. My aunt saw me and felt very empathetic towards me and said she was sorry for my predicament...I stumbled around, said thank you, and basically said I was sorry too. I didn't even say anything more...it's just hard to come up with the words. I don't really want to bash her anymore. I want to just let it go and maybe in a few months or so, I will be able to. I really just want to be treated normally. I know people want to show their concern, but it's hard to relive the situation day after day telling people.

At work, I was sitting around with one of the guys (who didn't know what was going on) that I hang out with occasionally and another coworker who knows the situation. We were doing some trivia test online and I did well. They said, "you're smart." and my joking reply was "Yeah, I know trivia, but common sense is another matter." Just giving me grief, the co-worker who didn't know the situation joked, "Yeah, you got married." Needless to say it was awkward. "I replied, oh, I guess you hadn't heard. You don't know how right you are" and told him the story. He felt bad for saying it, but he didn't know, and he apologized. I told him not to worry about it. I said I didn't really know what to do...it's not something that you announce to the whole world and you just don't say "Guess what, I'm getting divorced" to everybody and their brother.

That's why I want this to go through the rumor mill...

Most people that knew us as a couple knew about my X's affair. It's obvious to everyone but me. So I don't worry about her reputation or what people will think. Add that to the fact that I like to laugh I came up with:

Them: Why did you get divorced?

Me: (In a serious tone w/a serious look) My wife had a sleeping disorder..

Them: (Usually with a concerned look) What was it?

Me: She woke up in other men's beds....

It usually takes a second to sink in and then we laugh and talk about it. It's amazing how they feel so at ease knowing that you can joke about something that serious.

I saw a good answer to this on a similar thread over a year ago, something like,

"we were different, she was into Chinese food and I was into fidelity"

jen,

i find that most of the ppl that offer the most support are the betrayed spouses... they, for the most part, are very kind and non-judgemental, but, also don't understand the heart of a women who cheated, but knew better... the torment we suffer. the guilt. the unforgivenss of self... it's very difficult...

i cheated on my ex while we were seperated... the emotional affair began before the seperation but the physical followed closely behind. it destroyed my marriage. to date my ex has not gotten over it and it has been 3 years now!!!

not to mention that he did some pretty painful things himself. he was not the innocent victim that he continues to portray himself as.

but the main point here is to answer your question... i tell them when they ask... i take full responsibility for the part i played and i don't blame him... that gives me back the integrity and esteem that i felt i gave away when i had my affair... sort of a redemption...

as far as your ex telling ppl... he wants sympathy, his feelings validated. you know all the stuff one would want if their feelings are hurt. but he also wants to defame you and hurt you... don't be ashamed. we all make mistakes. hold your head up and show everyone that you've learned from your mistake... it's called deliverence.

the hardest part is self forgiveness... i know about asking God's forgiveness over and over even though you know you received it upon the first asking... it's everytime you get confronted with your behavior by people who are really judging you, but implying they aren't that you feel like you need to keep having that conversation with God...

God loves you and He forgives you whether or not anybody else does or will... condemnation and being judgemental is not of God... we do have conviction of heart from God, but it doesn't result in negetivity if it's of God...if it's of God it will only promote positive growth...

stay up and have faith...
peace and love...
kim...

Jen, I guarantee that everyone he hangs with knows about his current living situation and whenever he opens their mouth, they find whatever he says incredibly hypocritical. Just protect your own integrity. Even in the midst of everything, there is something honorable, lovable, and courageous about someone able to get up, brush themselves off, and step out of a bad situation.

I promise that the people he's telling... are probably fascinated for about 5 minutes... and then the challenges of their own lives overtake that. I have had people come up and apologize to me for bad feelings based on some of the things my stbxWW was saying - 4 MONTHS after D-Day. Occassionally, things will happen to rekindle morbid curiousity, but you can't be courageous in a puddle of mud when you're flinging mud elsewhere. I hope you'll refrain from attacking him. I guarantee that his friends and family see his GLARING failures.

Thanks to all for your perspectives on this one.

Really, today, when I'm back to feeling like strong Jen (why can't this be me every day??) I know that I will likely just give most people who don't need to know the short answer along the lines of "we stopped treating each other well", and people who matter to me get the whole story. I've already told the full truth to many friends. I've gotten respect for owning up to it too. There's even one acquaintance of ours, that used to work with my H a few years back, that said she's got more respect for me owning up to my very damaging mistake, but that she really can't understand his behaviour now.

I know I can't control what he tells other people. I can only control what I say to people. I am done lying to people, so I'll likely tell them the truth if I feel they deserve to know. Coworkers don't need the whole truth though, that's for sure.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

Jen

Jen, this is hard. You want the truth to be told. But you also, want someone to have compassion for your heart.

I am going through the same stuff. People are asking me, why we are separated. I now can tell them that we are divorced. They say why, I say husband had a terrible MLC. And we are going our separate ways. I do say, this is what he wanted for a long time. And I have had to accept it, and have accepted it. I tell them, he is moving out of state. And that I will stay here, but am looking for a small house. I say, I want to put the house up for sale next spring, to stay while my youngest son is still in high school.

I met a realtor today, to look at a house. I am interested in this house. I am checking on codes, and other things. Told the realtor that I need to get some information about the house. Anyways, he knows my husband, and asked how the business is doing. I said, it is a little slow, but the economy is slow. He accepted it, and then I started talking about the house.

I met someone at the bank today. And they asked if the divorce is over. I said yes, and will be changing my name. They said they were sorry, and I just said, that is what he wanted, so now I have to move on, and am moving on. I said, he will go his way to Arizona. And I will stay here with my kids and youngest son. Said, I have to downsize, and get rid of things, cause I need money.

When you look at someone and they ask, that is hard. I have a hard time having eye contact, for fear that I might cry. I feel they sensed this today at the bank. Cause I said, I have to go, got things to get done, and need to go.

The situation that a divorce creates, is hard to deal with. Of course, there are those who don't feel anything about the divorce, and just smile and say oh well. But then there are those of us who are compassionate and have empathy. We take things to heart, and have a hard time dealing with pain and hurt.

You are dealing with the pain, and the hurt. You have been the betrayer, and this seems to have injured your feelings. But you did create the affair. Your husband didn't. Now you are dealing with the circumstances. You seem to feel guilty, and for good reasons. The best I could say right now, is telling those you want to that you both fell out of love. There was pain in the heart in the marriage. And that the divorce was the inevitable part of the pain.

Good luck.

Jen,

I must admit. When I read one of your first posts on this site I thought... "Here is another cheater wanting everyone to say it is OK." Well, I must say that I was wrong. Although I have not been posting for some time, I have read posts off and on and have seen a change in your posts.

I want to tell you personally that although I abhore what you did, I absolutely love the actions that you have been taking to rectify the situation. I hope that your husband is able to look past this issue and decide on your marriage as a whole, not this single incident. It might be that this is merely the proverbial 'straw', however, he would be a fool to think that this cannot be overcome if you both wish it.

Sometimes I am glad that my ex never attempted to reconcile. As I slowly detached, I was able to see the person for who she really was, not the 'wife and mother of my children' that had always meant more to me than her character and behavior. He might not want to continue the marriage, but if not, I hope that it is for other reasons than this. This is a tragic thing, but I believe that it can be overcome and make the marriage stronger. But only if both involved are trying and changing.

I am proud of you Jen. Which is not easy to say as a Betrayed Spouse. But I am. I feel for your husband, because I can relate so much to what he must be feeling. But I can also realize that at this moment and in this situation, I doubt that he is seeing the whole picture fully and clearly.

Cut him some slack for a while... he deserves to rail against the pain that he feels. However, continue to work on yourself, that way, when he realizes that his anger has subsided, he will be looking at a beautiful, loving woman who is still his wife. Then he will be able to make his decisions based upon something other than his remembered pain.

Hang tough and don't get dejected. Your choices have caused him alot of pain, and it is not easially discarded, no matter how much you pray and believe, it is still very hard to understand and therefore let go. But it will happen. The question is will you be there as you promised you would be during your wedding. Give the 'thick and thin' thing some time. It might be hard, but hey, I guarantee it isn't as hard as what he has to deal with. He will come around, and at least you will understand if you have done everything, then you can do nothing more and you will be a better person for yourself because of it.

If you leave the situation... then your chance to grow will be severely diminished I believe. If you have a goal, and are working on yourself in order to be a better person, then having that goal of your renewed marriage will give you direction and application.

Just my thoughts. I am glad to read your posts Jen. You do show me that sometimes lapses in judgement can be just that...

Jen:

Great thread. I told people around me only very long after the fact. My mother I only told that there was &#8220;someone else&#8221; involved, and my father I told nothing. I really didn&#8217;t tell any family anything damaging about her, or bleed on them in any way. I didn&#8217;t want in any way to portray her in a bad light, or possibly ruin her &#8220;reputation&#8221; with my family. A few close friends I told all, which would not get back to her at all in any way (people I trust to be confidential), and even those I told, I would always admit to being responsible for putting her in the position to do what she did, which is half-truth anyway, since it takes 2 to cause a breakdown in marriage, as a rule. I would always add to anything said about her, that I was only telling to convey my feelings of hurt, rather than trying to portray her as evil personified, which she is not.

You would do well not to indulge in any mud-slinging match, or airing of any dirty laundry. We&#8217;re all human, we all make mistakes, and in a couple of years all that will be remembered will be HOW you behaved, and with what amount of dignity you carried yourself through all this. Your H will indulge in a bit of &#8220;bleeding&#8221; on friends and family through all this, it&#8217;s natural to want understanding for hurt inflicted. Unfortunately, society at large is a bit judgemental when it comes to adultery, and not many will be sympathetic towards you. Only those closest to you, and the most mature on MB, will understand YOUR pain and hurt, in spite of your chosen way of dealing with your marital problems. Your H, on the other hand, is STILL chosing to deal with this problem in a certain way. He may be doing it also to mask his own EA&#8217;s. Point is, if you want to fix a M. problem, you address it with your M partner, not anybody else. Period.

What I WILL concede, in his defense, is that the betrayal involved his best friend. That kind of double-betrayal may be too much for him to handle. I cannot imagine what my reaction would be. My guess would be I would choose my W and reject my friend totally and finally. But I was married 14yrs and have 2 sons. He may be thinking that it&#8217;s preferable to &#8220;cut his losses&#8221; now, (no kids), and move on&#8230;.on the other hand, he really loves you&#8230;major conflict that won&#8217;t be resolved overnight. You have to assume the &#8220;BS&#8221; role now: patience, understanding, Plan A, (has he stopped his EA&#8217;s?), YOU need to set boundaries now. Give it some time, and then agree with him on a time-frame for resolution (you cannot spend your life in limbo), by which time you will need to know if he intends to pursue the M or not. MB suggests at least 6 months to a year (for WS&#8217;s). This may be a good guideline even in your situation. It&#8217;s been 8 since your separation, but it should be OK to give him 6mnths from this point.

Do not let your guilt stop you from following the correct course of action from here on. You cannot keep on paying for this mistake forever.

Balance. It&#8217;s all about balance.
muzohead

Jen:

Great thread. I told people around me only very long after the fact. My mother I only told that there was &#8220;someone else&#8221; involved, and my father I told nothing. I really didn&#8217;t tell any family anything damaging about her, or bleed on them in any way. I didn&#8217;t want in any way to portray her in a bad light, or possibly ruin her &#8220;reputation&#8221; with my family. A few close friends I told all, which would not get back to her at all in any way (people I trust to be confidential), and even those I told, I would always admit to being responsible for putting her in the position to do what she did, which is half-truth anyway, since it takes 2 to cause a breakdown in marriage, as a rule. I would always add to anything said about her, that I was only telling to convey my feelings of hurt, rather than trying to portray her as evil personified, which she is not.

You would do well not to indulge in any mud-slinging match, or airing of any dirty laundry. We&#8217;re all human, we all make mistakes, and in a couple of years all that will be remembered will be HOW you behaved, and with what amount of dignity you carried yourself through all this. Your H will indulge in a bit of &#8220;bleeding&#8221; on friends and family through all this, it&#8217;s natural to want understanding for hurt inflicted. Unfortunately, society at large is a bit judgemental when it comes to adultery, and not many will be sympathetic towards you. Only those closest to you, and the most mature on MB, will understand YOUR pain and hurt, in spite of your chosen way of dealing with your marital problems. Your H, on the other hand, is STILL chosing to deal with this problem in a certain way. He may be doing it also to mask his own EA&#8217;s. Point is, if you want to fix a M. problem, you address it with your M partner, not anybody else. Period.

What I WILL concede, in his defense, is that the betrayal involved his best friend. That kind of double-betrayal may be too much for him to handle. I cannot imagine what my reaction would be. My guess would be I would choose my W and reject my friend totally and finally. But I was married 14yrs and have 2 sons. He may be thinking that it&#8217;s preferable to &#8220;cut his losses&#8221; now, (no kids), and move on&#8230;.on the other hand, he really loves you&#8230;major conflict that won&#8217;t be resolved overnight. You have to assume the &#8220;BS&#8221; role now: patience, understanding, Plan A, (has he stopped his EA&#8217;s?), YOU need to set boundaries now. Give it some time, and then agree with him on a time-frame for resolution (you cannot spend your life in limbo), by which time you will need to know if he intends to pursue the M or not. MB suggests at least 6 months to a year (for WS&#8217;s). This may be a good guideline even in your situation. It&#8217;s been 8 since your separation, but it should be OK to give him 6mnths from this point.

Do not let your guilt stop you from following the correct course of action from here on. You cannot keep on paying for this mistake forever.

Balance. It&#8217;s all about balance.
muzohead

Jen:

Great thread. I told people around me only very long after the fact. My mother I only told that there was &#8220;someone else&#8221; involved, and my father I told nothing. I really didn&#8217;t tell any family anything damaging about her, or bleed on them in any way. I didn&#8217;t want in any way to portray her in a bad light, or possibly ruin her &#8220;reputation&#8221; with my family. A few close friends I told all, which would not get back to her at all in any way (people I trust to be confidential), and even those I told, I would always admit to being responsible for putting her in the position to do what she did, which is half-truth anyway, since it takes 2 to cause a breakdown in marriage, as a rule. I would always add to anything said about her, that I was only telling to convey my feelings of hurt, rather than trying to portray her as evil personified, which she is not.

You would do well not to indulge in any mud-slinging match, or airing of any dirty laundry. We&#8217;re all human, we all make mistakes, and in a couple of years all that will be remembered will be HOW you behaved, and with what amount of dignity you carried yourself through all this. Your H will indulge in a bit of &#8220;bleeding&#8221; on friends and family through all this, it&#8217;s natural to want understanding for hurt inflicted. Unfortunately, society at large is a bit judgemental when it comes to adultery, and not many will be sympathetic towards you. Only those closest to you, and the most mature on MB, will understand YOUR pain and hurt, in spite of your chosen way of dealing with your marital problems. Your H, on the other hand, is STILL chosing to deal with this problem in a certain way. He may be doing it also to mask his own EA&#8217;s. Point is, if you want to fix a M. problem, you address it with your M partner, not anybody else. Period.

What I WILL concede, in his defense, is that the betrayal involved his best friend. That kind of double-betrayal may be too much for him to handle. I cannot imagine what my reaction would be. My guess would be I would choose my W and reject my friend totally and finally. But I was married 14yrs and have 2 sons. He may be thinking that it&#8217;s preferable to &#8220;cut his losses&#8221; now, (no kids), and move on&#8230;.on the other hand, he really loves you&#8230;major conflict that won&#8217;t be resolved overnight. You have to assume the &#8220;BS&#8221; role now: patience, understanding, Plan A, (has he stopped his EA&#8217;s?), YOU need to set boundaries now. Give it some time, and then agree with him on a time-frame for resolution (you cannot spend your life in limbo), by which time you will need to know if he intends to pursue the M or not. MB suggests at least 6 months to a year (for WS&#8217;s). This may be a good guideline even in your situation. It&#8217;s been 8 since your separation, but it should be OK to give him 6mnths from this point.

Do not let your guilt stop you from following the correct course of action from here on. You cannot keep on paying for this mistake forever.

Balance. It&#8217;s all about balance.
muzohead

I told family and good friends for support and cause the pain was too heavy for me to carry alone. When I was around people who I did not know well, I could hardly contain the heaviness. I think I told some people I should not have just for relief or release. Cause I was struggling so, I wanted people to know why I could not smile, or enjoy my life, or eat, or sleep. I do not carry burdens well.

If I did not know someone well, I would say that we separated and it was my H choice. I told my dentist that when he asked how my H was doing and he immediately responded, "Did (H) get involved with someone else?"

I feel as though I want to clarify why I LEFT. My H is a paraplegic and most spouses of paraplegics leave them. I do not want anyone to think I am so frivilous to leave a man cause of a condition he has so I want to justify my leaving to save face for me.

There is so many feelings and reasons for sharing and not sharing. Everyday is different and depends on the feelings I am struggling with. If I am in pain, I do sometimes say more than need be.

TW

My stbxh tells everyone that it is because (and I heard this one from a mutual friend as of two weeks ago) that we "grew apart.".

I say what was important to my husband made us grow apart. I don't usually come right out and say it, but most get it. And those who do know, I don't hold back.

He blamed me for his affairs and his unhappiness when they were his workings all along. He orchestrated it and the lies are still going strong.

I don't sling mud. But I don't enable his charade either. That's the whole thing. They hate to be found out. And I am sorry for that. But I am not going to lie. Iw ill try to be tactful, but not be a liar.

Sometimes you gotta stop running from the truth and just stand up to it head on.

I don't tend to put much faith in those who say their marriage ended because the other one had an affair--unless the person having the affair actually left the marriage to be with another person.

Doing so shows a lack of personal responsibility. I know my ex spread all kinds of stories about me in our "home" town. I have no desire to go back there anyway, regardless of what he said or didn't say. I consider the general attitudes of those in my home town partly responsible for the failure of our marriage in the first place.

I've also learned that people who ask those questions do not have one's best interest in mind. My usual answer is "If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be divorced." Doesn't bash anyone, and the person probing for details doesn't get any dirt.

I'm not a big believer in letting people shame me, nor do I think that endless remorse via misplaced confessions to near strangers will get you anywhere. Most people are happy to nail you to the cross if you let them.

a perfect example:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I encourage you too, instead of worrying about what your H says about you, when people ask YOU - then you tell them the truth. It is a step to healing for YOU and confessing your sins and asking forgiveness will help bring you peace I think. And if people judge you- that is their problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not a step to healing for you to lay out your problems to anyone who asks. It is an invitation to let other people abuse you at a time when you are most vulnerable. It's none of their business.

Heck, why not just cut straight to the chase and wear a scarlet letter around town? That would spare people the inconvenience of even having to ask. You know, if I had it to do over again, I probably would have painted my car with a big red A around the time I was getting a divorce, maybe even wear T-shirts that read "Adulterers are people too". or sport a big A tattoo in a prominent location. Might as well have fun with it.

Also, I strongly suggest that you limit your time here on MB. You don't need anyone's help here or more reminders about your oh so horrible mistake and your oh so horrible betrayal. You don't need to go over and over adnauseum how bad you feel about it. It's done. Finis. End of story. You'll only continue to feel like a WS as long as you feel the need to grovel--either here or elsewhere. The first step in real recovery for me was one day being able to tell some of the people here to stick it with their guilt trip. I did my time. Alot of people here have a vested interest in making sure you feel like crap as long as possible.

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: TheStudent ]</small>

thestudent and jen brown:
Ok that was me that said this.
I encourage you too, instead of worrying about what your H says about you, when people ask YOU - then you tell them the truth. It is a step to healing for YOU and confessing your sins and asking forgiveness will help bring you peace I think. And if people judge you- that is their problem.

And I meant that, for your TRUE friends. I guess that sounded vague, but I didn't mean to tell strangers that. It is none of their business. I meant people who mean something to you, who you care about and don't want to have a rift in the relationship because of a half truth or a lie or a secret. So that is what I mean. And it is funny, because today, I found out from a friend that people are asking her all the time what happened with me and WH. I had told this friend everything and asked her to keep it to herself and she has, but she said people come out of the woodwork that have been "distant" friends with me, just dying to know what happened. These people are out for curiosity and nosiness and I do not care for them to know anything. It is amazing how something as sad as divorce gets people snooping?! My friend said that some of these people wondered if I was the one who did something. I said, let them wonder!! It is none of their business. Only people who care about me, who want to help me, who aren't going to totally go bezerk on my WH, do I tell. Yes, sometimes I got really sad and probably told people who had no business knowing but for the most part, no.
And Jen Brown, from what I have read from your posts your H is a WH himself, so it truly does take two to tango there- He needs to get the speck out of his own eye before throwing any stones at you. I try to not throw stones at my WH (It happens when I am really upset about his lies or deceit but it has gotten MUCH better) because I know I did things wrong in the marriage.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say, and that I don't think either of you should wear a scarlet letter or air your dirty laundry to everyone. That wasn't what I meant at all. I find hope here when I see OW or WS who have changed their lives for good.

Well if you commit adultery you should be responsible for your actions. I think most who do are in fact placing their marriages in critical condition.

I just wonder if some here, the WS's are truly sorry for their choices. Yep. Sorry.

Most of it is perspective and tact. I say what I said earlier. That I filed on multiple grounds. Hell, there are only so many grounds one can pick from anyway in GA.

But my stbxh appears to his new friends here who aren't aware of his abusive behavior, adultery and constant lying and gambling, that he has been made out to be a "devil" or something (hasn't paid us in almost five mo. now) and how "dare" me take him to court. Are you going to be a stand up person and stand up to your negative choices or are you going to be a martyr for all of those who just want to try to graze on greener grass for a while?

I took full responsibility for whatever he perceived as my faults in "helping" him have his affairs. He didn't really have valid reasons other than he likes new things. New cars every three years, new houses, new clothes, and yes, he treats people like possessions.

Part of MB program is to work on YOU and your shortcomings to aid in healing of the marriage. But not to ENABLE the WS to continue cheating. That just ain't productive ok? And there are definitely some partners out there who despite wanting to stay and work it out with their WS's that they find out their love bank has totally run dry and they just cannot continue after the affair. Hell it is devastating. It is nothing less than that.

And let's forget that marriage brings together two individuals and a family is created. And if kids are involved, it's even worse. So let's be honest. No more blame games. It's not the fault of the BS. They may have anger and rightly so. Do WS's believe we can stay in plan A forever without any anger? Like when Scott Peterson "lied" on national t.v. last night and said that his wife was doing well after learning of his affair...

My stbxh is always trying to cover up everything he has done. Even wants me to enable him. I don't. I just stay away. I don't bother him, but I ask him to do what is within the legal guidelines of divorce with regards to my son and this family. Sometimes the WS has to properly deal with their own demons and accept blame.

Nobody is perfect. WS or BS. But marriage is a holy union not to be torn asunder by man or woman.

The Student - would be something if a person who has an affair, were to wear a big RED 'A' on their forehead the rest of their life. If they did multiple affairs, maybe it would have to go down their nose, who knows. Just something I talked about early after the affair. And something that is critical thinking of your affair rudden spouse. But we can at least think about it!

Whew, I haven't checked on this thread in a few days, and there are so many posts! I'm not sure where to begin...

Faith4me said, "The best I could say right now, is telling those you want to that you both fell out of love. There was pain in the heart in the marriage. And that the divorce was the inevitable part of the pain." I didn't fall out of love with him. It would be a lie to say that. I still love him.

FormerlyConfused wrote: "I am glad to read your posts Jen. You do show me that sometimes lapses in judgement can be just that..." Thank-you for your immensely kind and encouraging words. If only my H could actually see me the same way.

"Cut him some slack for a while... he deserves to rail against the pain that he feels." But for how long do I cut him some slack? It's been 10 months. He's even asking for until the end of August "to decide." I will keep working on myself, I just worry that he's never going to work on taking care of himself.

I still really worry that he has ZERO intentions of reconciling with me, and is just using me for sex, while he saves up some more money to pay me the home equity that he'd owe me if we Dv. I mean, in the 10 months of separation, he's rarely wavered from coming to me for sex and leaving, or inviting me over for sex, and putting me out the door. I'm his dirty secret. I am not deserving of being out in public with him, for dinner, for a walk, for any reason. He had some strange woman he met on the side of the road into his house for a drink last weekend, and thinks there's nothing wrong with that. I could go on and on, but right now I am not optimistic about him really wanting to be with me.
(See my current GQ thread for more details if you want: "There's a woman at his house")

muzohead wrote (a few times I might add, lol):
"He may be thinking that it’s preferable to “cut his losses” now, (no kids), and move on….on the other hand, he really loves you…major conflict that won’t be resolved overnight." Actually, I am thinking the exact same thing!!!

"Give it some time, and then agree with him on a time-frame for resolution (you cannot spend your life in limbo), by which time you will need to know if he intends to pursue the M or not. MB suggests at least 6 months to a year (for WS’s). This may be a good guideline even in your situation." I have always thought to myself, I'll give him until the end of the year to decide, and here we are, almost at the end of May (the one year mark) and he's suggesting he wants until the end of summer (end of August, we are teachers) to decide. You are right, I can't live in limbo forever. But I have to say I wonder what his motivations are for asking for those extra 3 months. It could be he really wants more time to think, it could be he wants 3 more months to save $$ to pay me off, it could be he wants 3 more months to compare me to his female friends and choose between us, it could be he wants to wait until after his family has scattered his father's ashes in August, who knows.

Right now I am trapped, he gets to continue to be Mr. Controlling, and I have to live in limbo and wait until the end of summer I guess. I mean I could file for Dv, but the biggest reason why I'm reluctant to do that is the fact that I don't want to be the one to file for Dv. That and if/when I am permitted to join his family for the spreading of his father's ashes, I want to still be his wife, be a part of that family.

"Do not let your guilt stop you from following the correct course of action from here on. You cannot keep on paying for this mistake forever." Indeed, I worry that he'll keep giving me a logical reason to give him just a few more months to decide. I guess if he doesn't decide by Sept., I may just have to suck it up and file for Dv myself, and be "the bad guy" forever.

notpeachingya wrote: "what was important to my husband made us grow apart." Ooh, I like that one. I could even use it perhaps. But, right now, I feel like I would just tell people that "things changed between us, it just wasn't a good marriage anymore." I don't ever want to sling mud either. I don't ever want to say things to hurt my H, I still love him.

TheStudent: I see and appreciate your point about how coming to MB may be perpetuating my sense of guilt even more. I'm like an outlet for some BSs, but most treat me well.

adgirl: Indeed, I am not about to just tell "people" the truth. Very close friends and family, fine. The rest of the world doesn't deserve details, period. I refuse to give them. It's none of their business, no matter how good it may make some of the BS here feel to know a repenting FWS is running around confessing to the world "I cheated on my H and so we divorced." A person should not be defined by one mistake they have made. I understand that you weren't suggesting that I wear a scarlet letter.

However, the more I think about it, how dare people ask (and even expect an answer) why anyone's marriage ended. It's really none of their business, no matter what the reason is. If someone can't accept me telling them that I do not want to talk about it, then I guess I cannot accept their friendship.

Jen

faith4me,

That is the way things used to be. Have you ever read the Scarlet Letter? The woman in the story was condemned to wear the scarlet letter because she had a relationship while still "married" to a man who had been out at sea for several years and his wheareabouts were unknown. Kinda puts things in perspective, doesn't it. Not to mention the selfishness of a man or a society who would expect a woman to be celibate or be without companionship indefinately.

IMO, there are alot worse things someone could do to me that just have sex with someone else. My ex proved that. I respect that you and some others here think it is worse than being raped or abused (Harley's stance), I don't. What is horrible is the lies and deceit that often go along with affairs, especially extended ones. My "affair" was a one-night stand and, all told, lasted all of two weeks. The woman who initiated this thread had an affair that lasted three. There is a huge difference between the basically good person who momentarily fails during a hard time in their life, and one who intentially and with utter disregard to their spouse, continually does things to hurt them. My ex did that every day for the last year we were married, and less frequently in the years prior. He could have screwed 20 different women (like my first H did) and it wouldn't have hurt me as much as his daily name calling and insults. THAT, to me, is much worse than simply having sex outside your marriage.

I find it interesting that the bible offers no provision for a divorce when abuse is involved.