Ok. changed the passcode on phone and no more of that stuff.

He's been attempting contact and acting decent and whatnot.

But then came today. He was acting all wierd at the soccer game. I kept my distance and then somehow we started talking...He mentions that "I should just get over things b/c he is going to "start a family soon" with Family Values and then get married. I said "what is she pregnant again already (bkg..she's an unmarried mother of a 3 yo son out of wedlock)...golddigger might I add also?

Then he adds that he's been looking at expensive real estate for his new home and says "I always move up" and then says more and then I walk away. I say..."ok. you've heard the last words from me ever." I walk without any hint of anything, very cool, to opposite side of field and then kept my cool praying the while. Then he moves over to other side of field. I finally have had it and say to him very qietly where nobody could hear ..."DON'T YOU EVER SAY SUCH CRAP LIKE "STARTING A FAMILY" WHEN YOU CAN LOOK OUT ON THAT FIELD AND SEE A BOY RUNNING AROUND WITH YOUR NAME AND A WOMAN STANDING HERE WHO STILL CARRIES YOUR LAST NAME OUT OF COUREESY TO HER SON. MAYBE YOU FORGOT JETHRO, BUT YOU STARTED A FAMILY OVER FIVE YEARS AGO AND FORGOT YOU HAD ONE...AND YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF HER...I MEAN IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE ON WITH HER AND WITH YOUR LIFE. IF YOU THINK IT'S OK, THEN TELL ANY MINISTER WHO MIGHT BE BRAZEN ENOUGH TO MARRY YOU ABOUT YOUR OTHER FAMILY YOU LEFT. JUST TAKE IT TO GOD. SEE IF YOU CAN WASH YOUR OWN SIN AWAY AND HERS TOO AND TRUST ME I KNOW FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT HER THAN I ACTUALLY CARED TO EVER FIND OUT...AND IT MUST BE NICE TO BE ABLE TO BUY A FANCY NEW HOUSE WHEN YOU LEFT US IN FINANCIAL RUIN. SO YOU LIED ABOUT THE FINANCIAL TROUBLE AND EVERYTHING ELSE. SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH AND THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. I'M DONE AND SEE YA."

So I walk away. He stares at me and I say nothing. Nothing. Son and I walk away and then we leave. Son did incredible today making again seven or eight goals. He's so awesome. Then about fifteen minutes my phone starts ringing and It's jethro. He calls on my cell 3 times. He doesn't quit calling, and even called me at home so I answered and said "what?"...He goes on to say that he could tell that I had worked with son in soccer and then says something like "you don't need to say you don't like somebody (Family Values) or talk about somebody when you don't know someone." I said "one's life speaks for itself..." He gets kinda hot and calls me "stupid" and says to "shut up" and I say "JETHRO, YOU HAVE FOR THE LAST TIME, LOST THE PRIVILEGE OF SPEAKING TO ME AND CERTAINLY ANY PRIVILEGE OF SPEAKING TO ME WITH ANY HINT OF AUTHORITY AS YOU ARE NO LONGER MY PARTNER...OH, IN FACT, YOU'VE STARTED ALREADY MAKING ANOTHER FAMILY. CONVERSATION PERMANENTLY ENDED." i HANG UP ON HIM.

So that's that. He is trying to control everybody. He's trying to find out why I am looking better, why I don't tell him anything about my life when he blabs about his. Even tries to access my voice mail at home because I am in plan B basically still and he's wondering what I am up to. And then I guess SHE'S PREGGO. Must be. How else does one first start a family and then later on get married? Plus, when I asked if she was "again pregnant" he was very silent and didn't answer. His silence spoke enough.

So he's trapped with the golddigger. Has to marry her or her family has put pressure on him..And he knows that I am aware now. And he did the worst thing he could do...Discuss how he lied about his finances again.

So...I am faced with a quandry. I think I need to get the asset search again and somehow consider court once more. The other soccer moms who heard him speaking told me they would do it and also castrate him if he were their xh who did the same..

Please pray. Had an awesome interview on friday that lasted four hours and they are coming back on mon. with a salary offer and I want this job. Heck we need it with a playboy x who doesn't think that his "FORMER" family is worth spending a fair or honest amount of child support on. After all he has to keep up a preggo golddigger...Before she can become Mrs. Jethro no. 3, I need to get ahold of the assets and make sure my son is provided for. And I am frightened to death. One of the soccer moms says she has a killer attorney who just represented her neighbor and her husband did some contracting work for her and she "owes him" so she said that she'd call her and try to get me some free legal work done to get the balls rolling. I think it's time for new counsel.

I am Hurt and angry but in my heart believed that Family Values was preggo...After all, she showed up earlier a few weeks ago at the game wearing a baggy sweat shirt and tight jeans when it was hot...hide her stomach? hmmmm. And the keeping him on such a tight leash? Hormonal maybe. Makes total sense to me. And he can have her. She's such a WINNER. I MEAN WHAT MAN WOULDN'T WANT FOR HIS WIFE TO BE A MODEL IN PRACTICALLY A PORNO MAGAZINE, AN UNWED MOM, NOT EDUCATED AND PARTY GIRL WHO SLEPT WITH HER ROOMMATE FIRST AND THEN HER? I MEAN, SHE IS JUST THE KIND OF PERSON TO TAKE HOME TO MEET THE PARENTS...BUT THEN AGAIN...JETHRO'S DAD WILL PROBABLY LIKE HER AS HE'S ALSO A CHRONIC WS AS WELL.

I am done. Running on pure anger and angst right now. He has lied about his finances...In the same subdivision he's looking in is a famous ATL braves guy...Smoltz...And he's supposedly on the verge of bankruptcy? How can this be? It doesn't make any sense. We are scraping by and then this? His comment to me earlier in the week about "my should have taken the first offer so we'd have more money" was cruel, but this is absolute arrogance and the sure sign he's NPD. And she's his narcissistic supply (read up on this if you think your WS has it)...

I saw him waffling a bit. And I know he is. He has to be after all she's forcing his hand. And in doing so, he will lose me forever with no chance of reconciliation if he marries her. And somehow I know it won't last. That there will sadly be another child with a dad who will eventually walk away or cheat or leave. He's already lost me, now I am really gone for good. Nothing he can do or say will change this. I see what he has done and I am sickened.

Pray for us. Pray for him. He didn't look very happy and when he spoke to me it was in a flat and very matter of fact tone. Like he was a robot or something. Zoned out. Turns out also my son has told him that he doesn't like Family Values and told his dad that "he wanted him back with us and that she just didn't belong in the family because she HAD HER OWN FAMILY ALREADY." My son is so wise. Again, jethro when he called me back to say that I should stop telling our son things ( I did not) finally got the answer he didn't want to hear and I hope she was listening in on his cell...I said "well our son is understanding what you've done and what she has done too. he doesn't like it and that's just how he feels period. nothing to do with me sorry. You'd better face up to your own actions ok?"

I cried after he left and buried my head (son was on two fields away with another child on our team and his mom(she knew I needed a bit of time alone) and my friend Helen just held me and cried too. She endured this 6 years ago. All the soccer moms heard him say the comment about "starting a family" and they along with their husbands wanted to vomit on the field. After my cry I gave it to God. I guess I had held on to that .00000001 percent of hope that there was a way out of the fog before it was too late. But now an OC is probably on the way. Oh well...At least she can't have the biggie white (well maybe really off white for this ho)wedding she dreamed of. Seems there's not much to choose from in the "MATERNITY WEDDING DRESS AISLE" AT THE BRIDAL SALON. So either they run off now, or after el bambino is born. And I am still guessing mind you, but his silence and not saying no she's not preggo, confirms to me that she is...

I felt the ultimate betrayal today when he said he was "starting a family " when I almost lost my own life giving birth to our child (in hospital 9 days and almost died from severe preeclamsia and son was very tiny preemie almost 3 pounds). And this is how he honors us. His child was a miracle from God and my making it through was also a miracle as they were in fear I would stroke any time b/c my blood pressure was over 200 systolic pretty much constantly. This is the same man who wept in the surgical suite when they performed my emergency c section and went out into the waiting room and cried and cried thinking I was going to die and the baby too. And he does this. I think personally that's the lowest thing one could ever do...Deny your child. As a wife, I have already been denied but to deny your own child, named after you, and say such a thing is beyond my comprehension. I let it go and just cried with Helen. Know alot of people are praying for us and we are having a MB friend fly in town to goof off w/us for 2 days and tomorrow Helen and her son and another former BS and his kids are all going to go with us to Stone Mountain Park for the pumpkin festival.

I think now that Jethro quite possibly after knowing me as long as he has and knowing that I keep good boundaries from him that he did something so awful, so unspeakable today and in the recent past, that his telling me is the point where I say no more. Where I stand up and start the good fight over again.

I may be a betrayed wife. But I was a good wife and I am an incredible mother. God gave me a kind heart and a decent brain. I never was someone my family would be embarassed of. I have improved myself and somehow found the strength (from God I know) to make it through the darkest hours of our lives, my son and I. To survive for a week with only eleven dollars earlier this year. To survive the most horrible of emotional abuse from Jethro (not to mention the physical the year before). To survive his breaking in my home with no remorse. To survive four court sessions. To survive the most horrible deposition (8 hours). To know temporary futility and give up my fight because I was broke. To know he had planned all of this and would even cheat his own son out of money.

I think I am going to change my by line back to my old one when I first started this fight..."God will give me JUSTICE."

I don't like this place I am in right now. But I feel like I am walking a gangplank and am going to have to jump off again. I see legal sharks swimming all around and I am still bleeding from this wound. I know that it's done forever now. That he has done it. That I cannot erase the words of today. Maybe God can, but I can't.

Well see if he and FV fall into the 90% FAILURE rate of third marriages (or shack ups)...Pray hard about the job, about us right now, about our healing, about wisdom to do what's right and should i fight again knowing that possibly OC is on the way (changes child support for sure) and asset lies from jethro...Also find it in your heart to pray for him and to let the good Lord speak to his soul..because I am now gone totally dark with regard to him and will be in the strictest plan B one could imagine. No contact whatsoever.

This is just so horrible. I hope and pray that nobody on the divorce boards even hears these words like I did..

bump

Peachy are you still there??? I'm going to try to find your e-mail, get dressed, hope my cell phone works and call you. Give me 5

Peachy, I'm so sorry for the pain this man keeps dishing out for you. Start a family and then get married??? The depth of his fog certainly does seem endless. Despite all his antics, I see very good news in your post peachy. It looks to me like you've finally said enough is enough and this will be the time that you hold firm in your resolve for no contact.

I don't know what to say about pursuing a search into his assets. It is grossly unfair for him to cause the financial hardships, past present and future. OTOH, wouldn't he continue to be a player in your life if you do pursue it? You WILL get a new job that pays well and you will provide for you and your son handsomely. I believe that in my heart. Jethro is toxic and I would love to see you make zero room in your life for him. Hang in there peachy. Faith is tested by fire, and you'll be the strongest person on this planet after what you've been through.

Peachy - I am so sorry for all the pain and the continuous betrayal. A man that cries in the hospital after your c-section and threatened life and the threatened life of your son. How can a man change from those caring words to this insanity.

Your words show that you have a great support system. With those moms and parents hearing Jethros words and the comfort you received. What Jethro spoke was immature language. He was I feel trying to see what kind of reaction he would get from you. Well, you did well hon. You basically told him how you felt, and no contact.

I pray for a good call from the interview. I pray that you get your job landed with great benefits and good work hours. Your son is needing you and mommy will be by his side.

It is hard being a betrayed spouse. The actions of our husbands causes severe pain. Moving ahead will take us further to finding ourselves. I think you are there and Jethro is seeing you as leaving him. Could be a pain he is experiencing. But no contact is needed now more than ever.

Prayers for you tonight as well for your husband. Please put myself and my hsuband (who posts here too), in prayers. We had a confontation, and he is blaming me period for all of it. Just like the oldest daughter is too. I am not to blame, and xhusband has to see that he is acting irrational. I will and have not cried in front of him in months. I won't, cause there is no need to cry in front of him.

Glad you have friends, and MB buddies to come over. Hope you feel better by tomorrow and have a wonderful night sleep. God bless you and your husband Jethro and your precious son.

Dear Peach,

What?!?!? He is starting 'another family'? Such a loser. He couldn't take care of the good one he has now he wants one with excess saddle bags? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't worry Peach, he isn't moving up in life, he is moving down. No rich house can hide the fact that she's an OW and he's a WS even still, remember he cheated on FV also?

He had to tell you he is moving up otherwise you wouldn't know he is standing on his head thinking down is up!

Hope your interview goes well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Peachy,
I am sorry for this, but you are still focusing on him, instead of on your own life with son.
I know you are focusing on your life because of your job & soccer comments, and that you just vent here, but try to focus less on this.

Your life will be better than you ever imagined, and it will be without J. And she probably is preggo.

And he gave you the opening about the assets. Forget about going after him now, wait until he gets the house and have his mortgage application included as discovery. He won't think you'll do it, but you will.
Take Care. Prayers for you and your family.

Peachy
It's such a shame the story ends this way. Through all of your posts I've always noticed that your ex approaches you and shares things with you he really doesn't have to, as if seeking some reaction from you. He clearly has not been fully in control of all in his life thusfar and sat down with himself and decided for himself what he wants. So if he gets no direction from you, he is steered by whatever influence Monkeyho has over him, clearly by appealing to his ego. Some men are easily manipulated that way without even realising it, and if Jethro hasn't woken up to that fact yet, then I feel really sorry for him, since regret will come almost certainly too late. Unfortunately, there is little you can do to stop him on this course. I would advise you to refrain from having any emotional reaction to what he tells you whatsoever, neither validating or contradicting.
Your 1st reaction, to walk away was the best option. Don't let it get to you, or just don't let him see it get to you. Act disinterested, and even bored with his life. Yours is far more interesting, anyway, you have more to live for. I'm sure it gives him some satisfaction to know that it still gets to you, the whole Family Values thing, or that you care at all what happens to him (this is still very obvious through your posts). It feeds the need in him to be wanted. Leave him alone with his own thoughts, and don't be there and available to him when he comes running like a little boy, with his little issues in his life. Family Values obviously has little "value" in that department (listening & helping), that is why he abuses the intimacy he still has with you, by sharing with you all the time.
Next time he tells you something, say.."that's nice,honey", and end the conversation, or ask him about something w.r.t your son.

muzohead

Thanks Muzo

I had a wierd night last night...HE called two times...Once on my cell and one time at the house and did not leave a message.

I don't think if it was important he would not leave a message. So I just ignored it. As if it were, he'd email me.

NEED HUGE PRAYER REQUEST FROM ALL MB BUDDIES:

Yesterday was informed of job offer and told by the director of marketing (very cool job) that today I'd get a call (in the am) after they concluded salary and income talk with Human REsources. I haven't heard from them yet and it's noon. Am kinda scared. Ate two muffins b/c of nerves. I vascillate between eating and being too nervous to eat when stuff like this and the jethro thing surfaces btw...The job is awesome! A radiology/imaging consultant for a large hospital corp. It's a new position for the corporation but they are very big and stable. Would mean hopefully decent salary, monthly commission, laptop, and cell phone paid and a portion of my car expenses paid towards the note and expense account. Would be awesome! Even much more flexible schedule which all single parents would love to have. I doubt myself alot still...Heck if you had somebody telling you that you were ugly ,fat, stupid, or an idiot for three years, you'd almost come to believe it as well...In fact, the last time I heard the "stupid and shut up comment" was saturday from Jethro while on the way to the church fair.

PlEASE pray for this job. It is the one that would be the biggest blessing right now and even if the salary is a tiny bit less, it would also allow for other expenses to be lessened, but a job that I would enjoy and also allow for growth in the future which I didn't really have before.

As far as other stuff goes: woke up feeling really poopy and tired again. I know it's the jethro thing. I am staying away as I am happier and stronger when I keep away. Plan B is for me and since he's tripped off into the sunset with (not totally confirmed but I really believe) preggo OW, Family Values, I need to keep my distance.

And sure, I know their relationship is a ticking time bomb and I hate that possibly another child will come into the world into this situation. Mentioned the previously suggested idea of subpoena'ing the mortgage application when he gets new house and think it's a wonderful idea according to two women from church and another MB friend whom is as close as a brother to me.

And thanks John, GG and Orchid and Bill and everybody who's been here for us. I will always love you guys.

This whole situation for the last 2 years has been horrible. One thing after another. He's hell bent on destroying everything in his path. And the really hilarious thing, or morely ironic, is that he will now be stuck in a home with three kids (two full time) under the age of 5. That is not cool for a playboy. He couldn't handle one child...his own. I give it less than a year. And if he left his own child, his namesake, then it is certainly easier to leave another child..

It's going to be disaster. But I am detaching. I am sick of the whole awful crappy thing. It is toxic and it is hurting my recovery. I think almost that it's time to get a bit selfish and for me to act like a WS now. With regard to jethro that is. Not to everybody else. That I should forget any need or anything that involves him and will only address as I have been, but much briefer in ever speaking, child issues with him..school..soccer, whatever.

Deep down I do think that he has realized that he's done it this time. That I have wiped my hands of this whole thing. And like my sis says, when a controller thinks that he's totally lost control, he will do whatever to get attention or take that control back so I'd best be prepared and expect something coming. And I do. But I will answer that with nothing...unless it is about son and something pertinent to his well=being. That's it.

I feel like, with the exception of the nine days spent in the hospital giving birth to my son, that I wasted totally nine years out of my life that could have been spent doing something else. My son is the only good thing to come out of this and that's that.

And after the comment from Jethro at the soccer game (the "I am gonna start a family soon thing"), he said that "you know things were so hurtful for the both of us"...that I know that he's the biggest liar in the world. Nothing ever hurt this man. Nothing. He has danced into the deepest fog out there. And now, the fog has trapped him...He's stuck with an OW and her child and his child there 40% of the time and her child there 75% of the time and he has to deal with this...And also know that I am starting my life anew with my child and that there's nothing holding me back, except for the debt he left me with, but a clean heart and bright future.

Keep praying. It's so hard. Detaching is the easy part. Hurting for their bad choices and how it affects our children is the hard part. Hurting because never an "I'm sorry..I really am for what I did..I was wrong" never comes our way. Closest thing I've heard was "the d was painful for both of us". Never an admission of guilt. Nothing. Wish I had been like a FV sort of in that wishing I could have just gotten preggo by jethro from some one nighter (although that's not in my character) and then raised son all by myself without him ever. One day FV will wish she'd have kept her skirt down and taken the daily pill or if those two suggestions were still too difficult for her miniscule mind to comprehend, then to just have "left out" the fact telling jethro she was preggo so she'd never have to deal with what I have had to live with. The dollars will never come her way when either he leaves her or she leaves him because of the abuse and adultery. Or she's gonna stay because she can't make it on her own. I mean, she's answering phones at the office...What is so hilarious is 6 mos. ago, Jethro asked me to come to work with him again as a sales rep and helping him with the product line. I declined.

peachy-

Any calls yet? I do hope you hear from this group soon. Oh, and ease off those evil muffins! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Make sure you get a 'real' meal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

HoFS

Jethro did it again. After calling for 2 days and not leaving any message, he calls tonight and says that "he's left messages and wants to talk to his son." REally? No messages. Just shows he calls. I have vmail on both phone and cell.


So I call and say "heres your son". They talk. Then when son passes phone back to me, he says..I have something to ask you...Can you get together some of son's old clothes for secretery (someone else other than FV that I have known a few years) because she's poor and needs them? Like the polo bluejean jacket and stuff? I say well no because I am saving t hem as remembrances of my son being little and that I have already given some stuff to charity for a tax break. He says that "don't worry. It's NOT for FV, as I BUY HER SON CLOTHES ALL THE TIME>" I fume. I say, well no. My answer is no. I say that I need money too and can use a tax break plus want them for sentimental purposes and that it's my business. He then goes off the deep end (I am not yelling, just being to the point)and says "You STUPID B#TCH! DON'T MAKE ME MAKE THINGS HARD ON YOU." I reply that "haven't you done that already"? I then say that this is enough. I hang up. He calls back and says "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN PEACHY? WHEN I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING JUST ANSWER "YES" AND EVERYTHING WILL BE EASY. JUST SAY YES. YOU WANT THEM EASY RIGHT?" I SAY THIS IS OVER AND THAT I AM DONE WITH THIS AND THAT AGAIN, THERE IS NO MORE THAT I WANT TO SAY TO HIM.

He also mentions during the stupid conversation that the outlaws are driving in town (to enable him moreless) and see son's saturday and last soccer game. I am sure FV will attend in her preggo best and that they will pretend to look like a real family. Wonder if outlaws know she's knocked up? I haven't even gotten real confirmation for myself.

So he's being verbally abusive again. And I am done. I am not going to give him my son's clothes.

Think it was a lie. a huge lie to be cruel to me. To have probably knocked up your whore and then call your betrayed wife and ask for your son's old clothes for "the secretary" is just too much. Does he think I am stupid? I wouldn't give him anything if he asked. He claimed "I gave you the money back you spent on son's school lunch money (what he was supposed to pay anyway according to divorce decree) and paid you back for soccer expenses (he did not)". He is evil and a liar. And he is abusive to me. I am cramping all over and my head hurts.

Job is playing games. Coming in with salary negotiation in my lowest range of acceptable and saying that "I should mull it over" and then get back to them over the next day or so while they interview the last few candidates. So I am also looking at the other 2 clinical positions as they may end up being best bet.

I am exhausted, tired, and feeling awful. Please pray taht I get some relief.

This is gonna be horrible. So please pray@ this and we need prayer asap.

Peachy,

I don't normally post here, but I have been following your situation. Why did you talk to him AGAIN after saying you'd never do it? It reinforces his belief that he can tramp all over your boundaries. And from what I've read, he enjoys pushing your buttons to cause reactions. Don't let him do it anymore. It's filling a sick EN of his.

I hope this was perceived as a gentle 2X4. I have a great amount of sympathy and respect for you and don't mean to be rude. I've seen the progress you've made. Keep up the forward momentum and don't let him provoke you into sliding back.

Peachy:
Hope you get the job you want. I think you'd do well to avoid conversations with your ex., as you tried to do the last time you let your son speak to him.
The issue around the kids' clothes show how unreasonable he can be..obviously there are issues he hasn't dealt with, which is why he insists on you agreeing with him, no matter what. I can compare this to my relationship with my ex- everything is fine, as long as I do not disagree with her, or contradict her in any way. Then all hell breaks loose. The truth is, he might have mailed you about the clothes, but he needs the reaction from you to feed off, when he throws his tantrum, so he can blame you for it.
I would learn to say goodbye sweetly, if I were you. That, or send me an e-mail, or call back when you stop shouting, or something. At the moment you're a willing target for his outbursts of anger. He now has something he can moan to his friends or FV about you, so he doesn't have to face his own problems.
If you continue to allow him to do this, you are only empowering him to exhaust you emotionally like this.
Save your energies for your job interviews!!
Holding thumbs for the job. I was unemployed for 8 months, so I know how bad it feels.
Positive power!
muzohead

Just got IM from Jethro apologizing for calling me a "stupid B#tch" last night. I wrote thank you and clicked off.'

Here is the scenario: if I don't facilitate some communication about son he will attempt to expand upon a very small portion of the decree which states "there will be reasonable communication involving the child's upbringing and involved parenting" from both sides. When the state had a restraining order in place to protect ME from HIM, he used the RO as an excuse to draft up bogus papers saying I was in contempt of the divorce decree (never mind his blatant disregard for anything moral). So I just have minimal contact at best. And he has to learn to respect and abide by the boundaries I set in place.

The whole clothes thing is classic NPD. I am not feeding his NPD. I am defying him, thus I am to be devalued. People with NPD either treat people wonderfully (if they are the primary source of their narcissistic supply) or will villify them and devalue them if they choose to break away and not feed their narcissistic disorder. Thus, that's me to him.

I understand this now. And it was funny, he just IM'd (I am not going to respond) that "he was sorry and in the future If I can just say "ok" or be agreeable then things like this won't happen anymore."

Geez. When any mental abuse or the incidences of physical abuse happened, he gave same excuse. That his actions depended on what I did...that is if I agreed w/him and did things his way. Well, that's FV's problem now not mine. We shall see how long it takes for her to not want to live the life of a kept slave. Like being a slave in the castle of a king. Guess that's what I was like. And if the king thinks the slave girl is not obedient, off with her head!

Thanks friends for reinforcing my keeping good boundaries. Working on that too. Making the wall a bit more fortified than before when dealing with him.

justpeachy -

I'm not a praying person, but if I were, what I would pray for would be for you to be able to let go of your X. You've said a couple of times that you've finallly let go of your .0000001 % chance that things will turn around, but you obviously haven't. It's all over your posts, the way you can recall every little detail of every contact you have with him, and your in-depth analysis of what's going on behind the scenes or in his mind.

You have nothing good to say about him, and your derogatory words and names for him (not saying they're not justified) and his family, etc. make it clear that you don't respect him or love him. If you really feel this way about him, why hold on to that shred of hope that he'll change his mind? Would you really want him back even if he did?

I think it would be so much healthier for you not to converse with him. If he calls, you don't need to speak with him. If he comes up to you, you can walk away. Believe me, he knows how much power he still holds over you, and relishes it. Regardless of how well you think you're able to put aside the chaos that he causes you, I would be VERY surprised if its not affecting other areas of your life, including your job search.

I know its way easier said than done, but PLEASE find a way to detach from him, both emotionally and communication-wise. Its only going to continue to hurt you if you don't. I think medication is WAY over-used, and I don't know if perhaps you're already tried it or are trying it, but you might find that this could help you to detach from him. I don't mean this as an insult, or a crticism, but your focus on him borders on obsession, IMO (Please don't be angered by that term, I don't mean to insult or injure). You can't control what he does, you have to let it go and not let it affect you.

"there will be reasonable communication involving the child's upbringing and involved parenting"

I can't imagine why this couldn't be done thru correspondence (mail or email). Correspondence would also give you "proof" of any wacky/threatening communications on his part. Requiring you to keep in contact with him about parenting doesn't mean you have to put up with his other crap.

Just IM'd me and said that "He is marrying Family Values and that he wants to have me communicate with her on Saturday at my son's soccer game."

I denied.

He's marrying her.

She is preggo.

He even said that I should accept her as also a kind of "mother" to my child...I am sickened.

I am sickened.

Peachy - I am so sorry - you don't have to accept her but you have to accept that she is in your childs life - and you have to accept it for yourself...So you can get through it - she may not be someone you would choose to be in your sons life but unfortunately your ex has so - Actually now they won't be living in sin so to speak-- either way I don't think one is much better than the other - but she has to deal with who he is - not you ... You have to move on - your son will be part of their lives whether you like it or not...But you are causing yourself more pain by hanging on to it - believe me I know I do it all the time... Don't you wish you could be one of those people that said - oh you cheated screw you it is over - you are not worth the pain???? Obviously you are not - but there has to come a point where you owe it to yourself to let go - move on and make yourself happy... who cares what he does !!! You are better than him and you deserve so much better - but you are not going to get it hanging on to his mess of a life...Listen to me I should take my own advice - let go... move on - smile - don't think about him or the situatio n - he screwed you over - but you will be stronger for it in the long run - when who the hell knows but everyone says that... Don't let this get to you too....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there will be reasonable communication involving the child's upbringing and involved parenting" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just the facts Peachy. My x ignores all communication. This is something the courts can't really uphold.


And I think UGLY is right, you are still entwined with Jethro. Please let go, foryour sake. I know you will be better for it and have a wonderful life. Let go of the string, and soar as you are meant to soar.

I am not sure if you have followed my posts off and on for almost two years..

I am and have been mentally and physically abused by him. Yea, I thought for a while that small percentage of him would change, but not.

Reason I have to focus on it is that he keeps coming back with stuff at me. Even with no contact...As I said earlier, he attempted to file bogus contempt order against me for "not contacting him"..actually used that as impetus. It was not even filed by his attorney who told my counsel that it was bogus and the judge would laugh at it.

I post here because I vent and need to find ways around him. Been told by professionals I am "fine and actually very sane considering all he put me through" and still working through some things that are the end result of years of emotional and sporadic physical abuse..not to mention the adultery.

Since becoming aware of his problem (he very likely has NPD) it is taking me a long time to finally admit and see that there will be no change in his behavior. Nope. People who live with those who have that suffer alot at their hands...Just ask anybody here dealing with a WS who has NPD. Lately, even today, I find myself after talking with a dear MB friend from here that I am answering my own questions regarding how to deal with him.

I have to expect this behavior. Have to. Anything else will allow for disappointment. Plus when he bashes and lashes out at me for no apparent reason, it throws me back down into despair and makes me kinda relive the abuse again...He also left us in financial hardships among other things.

And after speaking with two friends today I realize that I have to get tough. Get tough and just stand up to this. I am fighting a sick man who for all practical purposes, is spiritually vacant and been a perfect tool for the devil. It's been really hard and I've had to stand alone here. My old counselor told me that women who are abused frequently wish their abuser would "have an awakening or say they are sorry". I know I have wished that. But today after crying and crying and praying I understand and now see that there's just no way that this family is gonna be put together after what he did. Nope. So I am praying that God will make me strong and will guide me well. I am working on getting tough.

That is my new direction. Getting tough. Knowing that I have to is not enough...I have to become tough. And it's hard. I've had to be tough for almost four years...From delivering a two pound baby and almost die yourself to burying your father and grandmother to seeing your marriage fall apart due to selfishness and adultery is alot to stand up to. And then recently, losing my job.

Been basically one thing after another. And after another.

So I am going to try once more to get up after getting the wind knocked outta me. If I had been born a male, I might have made one good prize fighter.

But I have been down the meds route...and what was determined was they didn't do much good as my diagnosis was situational depression b/c of the above reasons. No physical basis for it, just external. And one doesn't pop a pill to get over being abused. Only if you need a brief spell of clarity. I am probably going back very soon to see somebody who's an expert to get some direction and to get really tough again. He's a phd and said along with my counselor I don't need meds, just need new vision.

I vent alot here because alot of people have unfortunately endured this as well.

Unless you've walked in our shoes, you just don't get it. Nobody could. And sometimes after posting, you see your own mistakes and a bit more of clarity.

I am blessed to have some really good MB friends here...as close as family. One's practically a brother to me. And I am grateful.

This day has been really hard. The whole coming together of the preggo and the outcome of what was a two year rollercoaster ride.

What I also noticed today is this...in the email forwardings today (he forwarded to me a very dirty "blonde" joke earlier)...a name that is significant is missing in the listing of names in his usual mail-to list...Monkeyho. That was the original "soulmate" affair. Guess she's too been informed of the pregnancy and their status.

Got an interesting call from my bro in law before he went to do a surgery...My sister called him and informed of what had been told me today. He said that "he is lashing out at you because he is miserable. this guy is trapped and is a womanizer and is being forced into doing the socially accepted right thing...by giving a baby a name. that he would certainly hate you and lash out at you b/c you are moving on with your life and not prematurely nor sinfully tied down to somebody mere weeks after the final signing of the papers..he jumped outta the frying pan into the deep fryer.Plus he is sick and has problems and will focus his anger on you b/c he is really angry and out of control himself." Bro went on to say that he would continue controlling or trying to control me until he realizes it is a moot point and that I totally cut him off again and he said to revert back to primarily limited email and only allowing him to speak to son via phone during a designated phone time.

I know what I have to do. The culmination of two years of pain and seeing the end here...the destruction, final destruction of what was once a family is horrible. But it's not my doings.

It's so funny, but when these WS start spinning out of control with affairs, so much other seems to come into play such as spousal abuse and mental cruelty. It's like until they suck the life out of us and the life out of what was once a marriage, they arent happy and when they do, they move onto another person to suck the life out of.

But I am going to pray and start taking active measures again to get tough. When the restraining order was in effect, I had much more of an easier time and was doing very well. It's been since he has reestablished contact (and been cruel) that my feelings have surfaced again. I have to stay away and keep boundaries and get tough again. Guess I let my guard down, saw him be nice for a little while and then had ideas he might have wanted to change but I was thinking wrongly. People with his disorder don't just change that quickly. And his actions have shown it. In fact, people with NPD don't usually change at all. Not even with therapy.

Keep praying. Job hunt is closing and I feel in my soul I will have one very shortly and begin working within a week and a half at the latest. Pray for courage and clarity for me. Thanks and God bless everybody.