Dear friends,
I am 8 months past my divorce, and now looking back I see so many things I did wrong. Maybe by expressing these, I can help someone else.
Looking back, I can see now that when I found out about the affair, which had been going on for a couple of years, I was in total shock. I did a great plan A in the beginning. My X and I went to a Christian counselor, and I naively thought everything would be fine. I had done a lot of reading on the MB board about how affairs were an addiction, but I just KNEW that my X loved me so much that he would immediately see the error of his ways, repent, and turn back to me and God. I just knew that after 19 years of marriage, that he would want to rebuild with me, and never look back. After all, I had given him 3 wonderful kids, and we had such a great history together.
The kicker came when I found out he was still seeing OW, and had never actually quit. Boy, was I mad! Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t LB, but I just couldn’t help myself. I even counseled with Steve H., but just couldn’t follow through with everything. I really tried, but I did LB a lot. I think I must have pushed him closer and closer to the OW. I remember so many arguments we had in just those few months that ended in shouting. I wish I could have remained calm and remembered not to believe or take literally anything the WS said. But, every lie he told me, I took personally and took to heart, and I wore my feelings on my sleeve.
Wish I could have done the big 180! I lived for the moment, and couldn’t see the big picture. I see some of you who are doing such an awesome Plan A, and I wonder why I couldn’t have done the same. My X might be here with me now, had I done so. By the way, he did marry OW, and I guess they are doing great. I should be happy for them, but I am still feeling a little bitter. I pray continuously for God to move me along, grow me, heal me, and help me to raise my 3 kids.
Sorry if I’ve bored or depressed any one out there. If you’re in Plan A, keep trusting, and listen to the smart people on the MB board. They are there to help you.
KK

My ex-wife also married her OM - 5 1/2 years ago and they're still together as well...
I had an affair on my then-wife 9 years ago and after our divorce, I got back with her and we thought we were in love... we weren't. It didn't work out.
Statistics are: 3 percent of marriages that began as an affair work out. That leaves your ex a 97 percent chance of having a successful marriage.
Live well - it really is the best revenge!
Sounds like your ex never got out of THE FOG.
I have been on both sides of the fence and belive me, it ALL sucks.
I learned from my mistakes in the past and the Lord introduced me to a wonderful Christian lady who also had been thru hell with a former marriage.
We were meant for each other and we LIVE each day for EACH OTHER.
The Lord can take a horrible past and turn it into something beautiful for you.
Please be patient and let the Lord work for you.
I posted this in response to you to encourage you. Please don't take it wrong, I have made mistakes in my past and regret them to this day. However, I have learned that since I can't go back and undo the wrong I've done, I can ask forgiveness and move on from my past.
I sympathize with you and I believe you have found the right Website to help you. You are not alone and you have friends here. I didn't find out about MB site until several years after my divorce was final. Perhaps things might have turned out different, but in any sense, I believe the Lord turned things around for me and gave me the best possible - and I thank Him every day for it.
Have faith and things WILL turn around for you too.
There are a lot of things in marriages that don't show up for awhile - as in your ex marring the Other Woman - things are not always as they appear, no marriage is perfect and I for one would NOT want to begin a new relationship based on lies, cheating and deception on my former mate. I seriously doubt your ex and his other woman wife can really trust each other...
JMHO. Harold

Harold,
Thanks so much for your reply, it was really touching, and made me feel better. I do need to hear that in time things will turn around for me. You have been through so much, and I see that God has blessed you with a wonderful relationship. Dare I hope for that? Do I dare hope that God might have someone special for me one day? It seems like a dream right now. I guess it just takes time to get my X totally out of my mind....I try not to think about him so much, but sometimes I just can't help it. I know it's over with him, but at times I find myself wondering what I would do if he ever tried to come back to me. I totally need to get over that thinking.
Well, again, thanks for the encouragement, it really helped me, and gives me hope for my future.
KK

Hi KKO2 - yes, I believe it can happen to you - just gotta give it some time. I never ever thought I'd remarry either. Divorcing your mate of so many years - I was married nearly 18 years, does blast your self-esteem, but when your Wandering Spouse is IN THE FOG pretty much nothing they say means anything anyway! Certainly not what they say about you when they're so blind to what they are doing to their Marriage and Family because they are so selfish and self-centered.
Believe me, it DOES get better. Just takes time. Please be patient, it WILL get better!
PS - Visit us in 'The Kingdom Of Caerlon' we just hang out and have a good time posting stuff. Good happy vibes there!
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again, Harold. I'd love to hear from more people who have successfully found love in a new relationship after being abandoned by a WS.
It is so great to find others who have overcome all of this.
I will have to check out "The Kingdom" scene!
KK

Dear friends,
I should probably start a new thread, but I'd love to hear from more people who have successfully found love in a new relationship after being abandoned by a WS.
It reassures me to know there is life out there, and even possibly a love life for me someday.
I feel so alone sometimes, especially at night, when all of the kids finally are in bed. This is just not the way I wanted things to work out....but I'm learning to be content anyway. Just rough at night sometimes.
Thanks everybody!
KK

KK,
You can add me to the list. I have been seeing my g/f now for 3 yrs. We have talked marriage, but we both have young kids (mine 16d & 13s, hers 14s,12s) and we live 70 miles apart. Neither one of us wants to tear up our kids homes and move them to a new place, both of us fearing we would lose the kids to the other parent. So we are planning to wait things out.

My x on the otherhand married the om 10 months after our divorce. The stay married for 16 months and x told me he went back to his x, who he left for my w.

Things are looking up for me, my finances are tight, but I think I figured out a way to pay for the kids college education with or without the x.

She on the other hand told me she owes her x $17000 and has basically no friends. She works a stupid 12 hr shift so she misses almost all the kids after school stuff. Just today she says she has no life.

I guess he wasn't her soulmate afterall.

I too wondered if I couldn't have done a better Plan A or Plan B, but she made it so hard to do and I couldn't resist the LBers. I did try hard to repair my side of the marriage and counseled for 6 months and still talk to a minister on a somewhat regular basis.

However, for the most part I am happier and smarter about relationships today.

Hang-in, things do get better!!!

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: RWD ]</small>

Wow,
RWD, that is a wonderful testimony! Thanks so much for the encouragement. your story gives me hope, and I really need that right now. Instead of wondering what I could have done differently to save my M, I should be focusing on the present, and hoping for my future. I do have faith that God will restore my loss, and then some, like he did Job in the bible. It is just hard to wait sometimes, but I know in the end all will be well.
Has your X made any attempts at all to reconcile with you? Has she admitted to the mistakes she made in having the affair, etc.? Just wondering what life is like for them after the FOG lifts, and after their relationship with OM/OW falls apart.
Thanks again, and I also hope that I can be smarter in my new relationships like you have been.
KK

kk2002,

Don't be so down on yourself. It sounds as if you did do a good Plan A. You can't blame yourself for your H not ending the A--he is responsible for his behavior.

I see many similarities between our stories: my d-day was the day after yours, I also have 3 kids, H continued contact and lied about it. My situation has dragged though. H moved back but never committed to the marriage and continued contact w/OW although he claims she means nothing.

We are now in mediation to finalize a separation agreement which will probably be signed in Jan or Feb. Then it will be another year before DV is final. So your situation moved very quickly compared to mine, but I wish mine was more final. This is way to stressful and I cannot attempt to move on w/H still in the house.

And just because your H married OW does not mean he's happy or that you pushed them together. As others have said, he probably is still in the fog--especially if he married OW that fast. Some people are really insecure and need to be married but do it w/o thinking it thru. Odds are it won't last.

You and I are close in age also, so I know what it feels like to be alone and thinking you may be for a long time. Hopefully, we both will meet the right person--someone who appreciates us for who we are, respects us, and is honest.

kk, I totally agree that you should not beat yourself up for not playing this affair game right. You need to remember that God's greatest gift to mankind was free will. We can pray for our WS to wake up and see the pain they are causing us and the children but in the end its the WS's choice to move on despite all our efforts.

My ex is pushing towards a fast marriage without the support of his friends or family and even against the advise of his own attorney, to wait a year from the divorce date. He plans on getting married to the OW this month on the 20th, less then 5 months from our divorce date.

I crave to hear about affair marriage failures now and read Private Lies over and over regarding the ways affair marriages play out. My ex continues to be abusive towards me verbally and I wonder why is he so unhappy, he has his dream woman now.

K, I am also so lonely and want to be held and loved again. Cerri told me not to date for 2 years from divorce date since WS might just wake up and it would be a shame for me to had moved on with someone else. So I continue to wait and heal knowing that this time is not wasted time but growing time for me.

Take care..Rhonda

KK
I am not in another relationship yet. I have been separated for 10 months now. WW still dates OM but is already cheating on him with a married man she works with. It hurt again and again, but the pain has greatly subsided. I think I wanted my WW back so much because of the image of her that I loved. But she is not and really has not been that woman for a long time.

I think of her now and I don't see a way. Fog or no fog, we have a great many differences in our beliefs and pholosophies on vows, honesty, comittment, loyalty, fidelity, etc.

From what I have observed, and hope will be true for us too, is that God seems to be kinder in the long run to betrayed spouses. He knows how we stood for our marriages and the pain we endured to do so. There may be a sense of loss for a time, but there is no guilt to bother us. We did the best we could, so the guilt of a broken marriage is on the WS and not on us. We can in time forgive, heal and prepare ourselves for the future, clean and without reservation. Each, BS and WS will be given what they have earned in God's own time. The pain we feel is only part of a procees that will in time pass away like a bad dream. A beautiful new day will dawn when the time is right.

Dear Nothopeful,
Yes, our stories do seem similar. In a way, I am glad that WH has already remarried, because it totally forced me to move on, and begin my healing. I'm sorry that you're still going through a lot of things with your WH. I wish mine was still around, but not if it would mean more pain, with him still seeing OW. Guess they just have to get it out of their system one way or another. I don't know whether I should hope for his marriage to make it or not, but I do know that I'm going to be okay. You will too! Hang in there.

TexMexGal,
You've been through a lot too. Sorry to hear your X is planning on marrying OW, but like everyone says, the odds are against it. So, not dating for a couple of years makes sense, if we are to be open to reconciliation. And even if we're not, we definitely need that time to heal emotionally, spiritually and to learn to our new selves are. Let me know how you're doing.

Firebird,
THanks for your encouragement. I'm anxious for the new day to dawn for me, and I pray it will be soon. Yes, I have heard and observed that God is good to the betrayed ones, the ones who did all they could to save the marriage. We were faithful, and in turn God will reward us in time.
And you're right, even though they may eventually come back, who's to say that we will be interested in the person they have become. I was in love with the man I married, not the man my X turned into. Should he come back it would take a miracle (I think) for me to take him back, but I do still wonder about it.
Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts.
KK

Dear friends,
I should probably start a new thread, but I'd love to hear from more people who have successfully found love in a new relationship after being abandoned by a WS.
Thanks!
KK

KK,

It's been a while since I've been on these boards so it's good to see a familiar cyber friend!

Please don't be so hard on yourself. We do the best we can with what we have at the time. I felt the same way you did - that he woould want to work it out,,,,, blah blah blah..... But maybe NOTHING you could have done would have changed his heart at the time. That hurts too I know.

I feel like I did a good plan A & it didn't work (at least up to this point) Only God knows what it will take, but they have free will as was stated above.

Here's another view on marriage to the OP from an email I got yesterday -

Blessings

D.

- - - - -
If you are blessed and encouraged by what Bob wrote today, visit our
Bookstore for his "Prodigal's Perspective" - http://stopdivorce.org
- - - - -

‘TIS THE SEASON

"The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman, for she was taken out of man." For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:23-24

'Tis the season to be jolly and merry, or is that "marry?" Like you,
Charlyne and I are greatly distressed at the number of prodigal
spouses who are entering non-covenant relationships, or who are
broadcasting plans to enter non-covenant relationships at Christmas.
(We do not refer to attempts to legalize adultery as "marriage,"
because the spouse for who you stand is already married--to you!

To quote Pastor Tony Evans, of the Urban Alternative, "It doesn’t
matter what the records down at city hall say because the records in
heaven say you are still married."

If you are waiting for society to condemn your prodigal’s relationship
as sinful, you will have a long and disappointing wait. Society 2003
cannot even decide if a couple must be male and female to be married.
You need to be asking our Lord God, and not people, about your spouse.

As an aside, do not be distressed over the direct advice you hear when
you call someone’s prayer line and explain your circumstances. To most
of the volunteers answering the phone, your marriage circumstances
sound hopeless. Before you email us and relate what some telephone
prayer partner, operating in human reasoning, said you should do, you,
operating in the spiritual, must God how He views your spouse and your
marriage.

Why are so many prodigals entering non-covenant relationships? Most
are doing so because that other person is pressuring them for marriage.
In most instances, prodigal spouses have no burning desire for
marriage. To be honest, most of them would desire to avoid a marriage,
but not at the expense of their sinful relationship. The other person
is feeling threatened by your stand, and by your prayers, and in their
mind, the best way to keep what is not theirs is a wedding.

Wednesday morning we had a large Christmas mail-out going to the Post
Office. I stopped by our home so that Charlyne could come out and pray
over what was being sent. Standing in front of the home where we have
lived for over 35 years, and from where we divorced and then remarried
each other, we looked into the back of the van, filled with totes of
mail and wondered when God entrusted us with such a great ministry for
Him. He has done it one step at a time, just like He is restoring
your marriage.

Standing there, Charlyne and I talked about non-covenant marriages. If
Charlyne had turned the way people were encouraging her after we
divorced, some other man could be living in our home today. I thank
God every day that she did not grow weary and give up on me. If that
non-existent man had been living in my home, with all the benefits of
marriage, except the commitment, why would he want to get married?

Let’s assume that non-existent man had a standing wife, who was
praying for him to come to his senses, what would Charlyne do? She
would force a marriage, and that other man’s role would be to appear
he was happy about marriage.

Charlyne has taught often about your spouse having been taken captive
by the enemy. What do we see POW’s do? Exactly what they are told to
do. If you can grasp that Satan, and not that other person is your
enemy, and the evil one is leading your prodigal around, you will be
well on the way to living through, with the help of the Holy Spirit,
any non-covenant marriage plans.

One Saturday morning in December, 1986, I was sitting by the other
woman’s pool, (in Florida you can do that in December). I was talking
on the phone to Charlyne about my picking up our kids for the night.
The other woman was listening, and her agitation was obvious. When I
had hung up she said, "I never want you to do that again when you are
talking to her."

It had been a brief, but pleasant conversation, and I had no idea what
I had done wrong, so I asked.

"You smiled while you were talking to her, the other woman replied.
"Don’t ever do that again!"

An engagement ring at Christmas would have done much for that
relationship. We even had sketches of what she wanted to ring to be.
Yes, there was pressure, but there was no promise.

Did the other woman know that my wife was standing and praying for our
marriage. Yes she did, because she and I used to mock Charlyne over
it behind her back. On the day Charlyne and I remarried, I had to
call the other woman to tell her not to expect me for dinner that
night. Her first words after being told we were remarried were, "I
knew it would end up this way."

Dear stander, you are a threat to that other person, and to that
sinful relationship. In truth, it is not you that is threatening, but
the power of God. Much like the other person in my life, your
prodigal’s "other person" knows exactly how this will all end up-if
you do not grow weary and give up!

Charlyne did not have to endure my non-covenant marriage, due to a
combination of the power of prayer, and my German stubbornness, but if
she had, I am confident that it would not have altered her call to
stand, knowing my then-legalized adultery would not work out. Neither
would a ring have reduced my feelings for the wife of my youth.

If your prodigal is in a non-covenant relationship, or has announced
plans to marry that other person, you can rest assured their heart is
not it in, regardless of the hype you are hearing. If you continue to
stand strong, our Lord Jesus can turn your beloved prodigal’s "Marry
Christmas" into a "Merry Christmas" for your restored marriage.
December may be tough, especially with chatter about a "wedding," but
our mighty God is greater and He will finish what He has promised.

"May the LORD, the God of your fathers, increase you a thousand
times and bless you as he has promised!" Deuteronomy 1:11

God will make a way,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, Florida 33061
http://rejoiceministries.org
http://stopdivorce.org
http://rejoicenet.net

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

kk,
Sorry for delat in responding. My x has never made any reconciliation attempts since divorce. She only made one attempt during the affair after she caught om taking his wife along to visit their grandchildren after promising he wasn't. She came to me and promised to do anything to get back with me.

She went to work that night, with him, and by the next morning acted like she hadn't said anything.

She did give me a half hearted appology, but I didn't accept it. It was after she divorced om for cheating on her with his x. She said she understood what I went through now. It was still all about her.

I think her life is pretty lousy. She never had many friends, and gave all them up for the om. She works 2 miles from where she lives so she had no interaction with those from work outside of work.

My son said the other night she has a glass of wine every night before bed. She started that during the affair.

She is on anti-deps and must be having problems with them. On Sun she was real down, on Mon she was giddy when she called me. Tonite at 5:30 she was yawning like she hadn't slept, even though she has been off for a couple days.

She does take the kids more, but isn't all that responsible. IF she takes the kids to the dentist, she never makes the next appointment. She hardly ever takes them to the drs unless I made an appointment and she ends up having them then she will take them.

She hasn't done much of school stuff with them, mainly because of her work schedule, she works 12 hr shifts scattered thru out the week. She told the court investigator that she didn't think it was all that necessary to be involved as her parents weren't.

She doesn't do anything fun with the kids other than take them to the mall. She worked T-day so she didn't see them for a week. She says she wants to take them to see her family over Christmas, but has to work the day after so she might not be able to unless she can get off.

As for coming out of the fog, I think she is back about 90 degrees from normal after going 180 during affair and divorce. The biggest problem I have is that she makes her job #1. She is supposed to have the kids this weekend but is working Fri night and she told me the kids can just go sleep elsewhere. I told her I would take them, no problem.

I guess I have the best of both worlds right now compared to most divorced people. I see my kids everyday, I am receiving a little CS, I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman when we have the time, yet I can do alot of things single guys do, like play alot of sports and have a couple beers with my friends afterwards. Things I didn't do when I was married and really love to do.

While I do get sad at times, like when there are "family" things at church and I go with just my kids or alone. And I get lonely during the week when the kids are at their mothers and there is nothing going on around town. There is a piece of my heart missing, torn out by the betrayal and the resulting fallout, mainly that.

X was particularly brutual in telling nme what she thought of me during some counseling sessions and also in private conversations. This was more damaging than the affair itself. It made me feel like our whole marriage was a sham. That is something I haven't been able to forgive, yet. But this too shall pass.

Hang in there, things do get better if you let them!

KK,

You should really stop blaming yourself. If you still continued with a great plan A there is no guarantees that he'd still be with you or that he still wouldn't be cheating on you. Perhaps some day when you find a person who will appreciate you and your gift of love you will realize why the other spouse was such an idiot and that relationship was messed up by him, not you.

Also, I think you have your time lines on your sig incorrectly, unless your state allows you to remarry before your divorce is final <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ; Dec. 2002 WH has married OW, Divorced as of 3-13-03.

Take care and cheer up!

Anna

Anna,
Thanks for the message. No, I didn't make a mistake on my sig. line. My X really did go through a wedding ceremony before our divorce was final. I even brought this to the attention of the judge at my divorce proceeding, but she wasn't that interested in hearing it. Guess it happens. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I'm coming to realize that it probably didn't matter what kind of Plan A I did, my X was bound and determined to do "his thing". I am slowly growing and healing, and this is so exciting to me. I do pray that one day, when I'm ready, the Lord will provide me with someone special.

RWD,
Sounds like you are at a good point in your life. That is a place I'd like to be. Maybe when my X starts paying CS, and starts taking the kids from time to time, I can experience some of that. Your X sounds so lost...I wonder if she is coming to realize how much she's lost. Wonder if they ever fully understand the pain we've gone through. And it must bother her to see you dating, and happy and doing so well with your kids. Like they say, the best revenge is living well.

WGTT,
So good to hear from you. Wow, what a powerful message you posted. Not sure how I feel about all that. While I know it's probably true, I'm not sure what I'd do at this point if X came crawling back. Guess I'll play that one by ear, and let God lead me. In the meantime, I pray for the healing of myself, and my kids, and I pray for my X to wake up and realize what he's lost.
By the way, is your X remarried? I can't remember just what happened there.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Take care.
KK