KK,
It's been a while since I've been on these boards so it's good to see a familiar cyber friend!
Please don't be so hard on yourself. We do the best we can with what we have at the time. I felt the same way you did - that he woould want to work it out,,,,, blah blah blah..... But maybe NOTHING you could have done would have changed his heart at the time. That hurts too I know.
I feel like I did a good plan A & it didn't work (at least up to this point) Only God knows what it will take, but they have free will as was stated above.
Here's another view on marriage to the OP from an email I got yesterday -
Blessings
D.
- - - - -
If you are blessed and encouraged by what Bob wrote today, visit our
Bookstore for his "Prodigal's Perspective" -
http://stopdivorce.org - - - - -
‘TIS THE SEASON
"The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman, for she was taken out of man." For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:23-24
'Tis the season to be jolly and merry, or is that "marry?" Like you,
Charlyne and I are greatly distressed at the number of prodigal
spouses who are entering non-covenant relationships, or who are
broadcasting plans to enter non-covenant relationships at Christmas.
(We do not refer to attempts to legalize adultery as "marriage,"
because the spouse for who you stand is already married--to you!
To quote Pastor Tony Evans, of the Urban Alternative, "It doesn’t
matter what the records down at city hall say because the records in
heaven say you are still married."
If you are waiting for society to condemn your prodigal’s relationship
as sinful, you will have a long and disappointing wait. Society 2003
cannot even decide if a couple must be male and female to be married.
You need to be asking our Lord God, and not people, about your spouse.
As an aside, do not be distressed over the direct advice you hear when
you call someone’s prayer line and explain your circumstances. To most
of the volunteers answering the phone, your marriage circumstances
sound hopeless. Before you email us and relate what some telephone
prayer partner, operating in human reasoning, said you should do, you,
operating in the spiritual, must God how He views your spouse and your
marriage.
Why are so many prodigals entering non-covenant relationships? Most
are doing so because that other person is pressuring them for marriage.
In most instances, prodigal spouses have no burning desire for
marriage. To be honest, most of them would desire to avoid a marriage,
but not at the expense of their sinful relationship. The other person
is feeling threatened by your stand, and by your prayers, and in their
mind, the best way to keep what is not theirs is a wedding.
Wednesday morning we had a large Christmas mail-out going to the Post
Office. I stopped by our home so that Charlyne could come out and pray
over what was being sent. Standing in front of the home where we have
lived for over 35 years, and from where we divorced and then remarried
each other, we looked into the back of the van, filled with totes of
mail and wondered when God entrusted us with such a great ministry for
Him. He has done it one step at a time, just like He is restoring
your marriage.
Standing there, Charlyne and I talked about non-covenant marriages. If
Charlyne had turned the way people were encouraging her after we
divorced, some other man could be living in our home today. I thank
God every day that she did not grow weary and give up on me. If that
non-existent man had been living in my home, with all the benefits of
marriage, except the commitment, why would he want to get married?
Let’s assume that non-existent man had a standing wife, who was
praying for him to come to his senses, what would Charlyne do? She
would force a marriage, and that other man’s role would be to appear
he was happy about marriage.
Charlyne has taught often about your spouse having been taken captive
by the enemy. What do we see POW’s do? Exactly what they are told to
do. If you can grasp that Satan, and not that other person is your
enemy, and the evil one is leading your prodigal around, you will be
well on the way to living through, with the help of the Holy Spirit,
any non-covenant marriage plans.
One Saturday morning in December, 1986, I was sitting by the other
woman’s pool, (in Florida you can do that in December). I was talking
on the phone to Charlyne about my picking up our kids for the night.
The other woman was listening, and her agitation was obvious. When I
had hung up she said, "I never want you to do that again when you are
talking to her."
It had been a brief, but pleasant conversation, and I had no idea what
I had done wrong, so I asked.
"You smiled while you were talking to her, the other woman replied.
"Don’t ever do that again!"
An engagement ring at Christmas would have done much for that
relationship. We even had sketches of what she wanted to ring to be.
Yes, there was pressure, but there was no promise.
Did the other woman know that my wife was standing and praying for our
marriage. Yes she did, because she and I used to mock Charlyne over
it behind her back. On the day Charlyne and I remarried, I had to
call the other woman to tell her not to expect me for dinner that
night. Her first words after being told we were remarried were, "I
knew it would end up this way."
Dear stander, you are a threat to that other person, and to that
sinful relationship. In truth, it is not you that is threatening, but
the power of God. Much like the other person in my life, your
prodigal’s "other person" knows exactly how this will all end up-if
you do not grow weary and give up!
Charlyne did not have to endure my non-covenant marriage, due to a
combination of the power of prayer, and my German stubbornness, but if
she had, I am confident that it would not have altered her call to
stand, knowing my then-legalized adultery would not work out. Neither
would a ring have reduced my feelings for the wife of my youth.
If your prodigal is in a non-covenant relationship, or has announced
plans to marry that other person, you can rest assured their heart is
not it in, regardless of the hype you are hearing. If you continue to
stand strong, our Lord Jesus can turn your beloved prodigal’s "Marry
Christmas" into a "Merry Christmas" for your restored marriage.
December may be tough, especially with chatter about a "wedding," but
our mighty God is greater and He will finish what He has promised.
"May the LORD, the God of your fathers, increase you a thousand
times and bless you as he has promised!" Deuteronomy 1:11
God will make a way,
Bob Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, Florida 33061
http://rejoiceministries.org http://stopdivorce.org http://rejoicenet.net <small>[ December 04, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>