Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
Just a reply from the X. He talked to me tonight, for he is leaving for his Arizona state tomorrow morning. I just got home from school. And will be coming back Tuesday afternoon. He said, that he called the daughter yesterday to see if he could bring stuff over, and it was okay if he came over. I repeated to him, that I have stated many times over and over and I will write it here - Please call and TALK to me (your xwife) to see if it is OKAY to come over. Don't tell the kids you are coming over and then one of the kids come tell me, not acceptable. He stated that that was not the rule, that I could of given up this house, and he would of bought me a little house. Had nothing to do with the conversation. I just continued on with that I have stated it over and over, and my lawyer has stated to your lawyer to please call and talk to me and ask for permission to come over. He got all mad on the phone and went into the same scenario stuff about how I could of given him this house, and I said you got the house that you and the whore had sex in while it was vacant, and he took my settlement money to buy the house. But this is what he does all the time. Continues on his path of putting me down, and not staying on the facts. Then he said, I will ask the kids when he gets back about this. So I will talk to them, and give them the facts. If they want to talk to their dad, they can do it at his little bedroom.

I did tell him that this will stop, one way or another. He has done what he wanted most of the marriage, and during his affair he physically hurt me, and mentally and verbally hurt all of us. And to this day, he gets really upset quite easily.

Class was really good tonight. I am working with a young kid, he is going to help me with a paper that is due next week. I want to get a A if possible. He works for the government, and got an A on his paper. He does policy papers all the time. So he gave me his private e-mail today. Cause I asked Mike if he is going to be in Michigan or out of town this week. And if I can get the first paper wrote, would he mind going over it and editing it for me. He said he would be glad to help. Just a wonderful young man, and so handsome. He is going to make some lady a terrific husband. He is very kind.

So this weekend, I will take the kids to see the passion. And talk to them about the policy of dad calling and asking from me if it is okay. A boundary that has to be initiated. And to talk about Easter services at my church. We have so many new people attending our church now. This Sunday, we have 8 adults being baptized. Never seen an adult get baptized before. I believe that once you are baptized you are baptized forever, and just have to ask for forgiveness.

Yes, I believe, that the Path of God is to ask forgiveness, I have tried to forgive my X, but he continuously pressures me, and tells me what he is going to do in this house, and how he is going to conduct himself even when it pertains to my house. I did give up for awhile, but I see he is starting to treat me as a doormat again, and it is going to stop. He needs to know there are boundaries.

He is not one to obey the rules, which he has stated here many times. He is not a rule follower, and that could be one reason why he is so deep in a big pile of mess. His body is so overweight, he is balding, and doesn't have a friend. I feel sorry for him at times, but he asked for this by being reclusive, and now he is going to find his bimbo to talk to out in Arizona. Which he already has her phone #, so he has already started talking to her already. But he has not tried to better his life. And I have offered to help him, but once again, he is not ready.

Like his paperwork, I offered at one time to do it for $$$ of course. And he once again said he is not ready. He can spend hours and hours here on the boards telling newbies his phylosophy on temperment and such. That is why I quit reading his posts. The same mesaage over and over. At one time recently he said he was going to quit posting here on MB. We will see.

Anyways, I am working on myself, and hopefully have the shoulder surgery that is needed, and get physically fit, and ready for the new me. I want to lose the weight I gained, find a good job, and join a biking club in Ann Arbor. I need a bike first. I picked up about 6 bikes out of the trash, and would like to find someone that could make 1 good bike out of them all. I have always wanted to bike, but while we were married, he didn't want to do anything physically outside. He would rather sit inside and read a book, or be on the computer. So now, I can do this, and would like to get the kids involved, but they are all doing their own thing. So I am going to do this for me, and meet some attractive handsome man that is a christian and loves the great outdoors, and loves God, and life.

But I have to make myself more attractive, and lose these 20#'s. Hard at this age, but I can do it, it came off easily before, cause I wasn't even trying, but the affair, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think. Now I will do it the right way, and keep it off.

Bye for now. Have to get up early for an appointment, and then off to the library for some work on this assignment. Pray for a good policy paper. I need it. I only got a B on the other paper, and would like to get an A on this one. And then I have a 15-20 page policy paper due for the final exam, and have to do a 15 minute presentation. The 4 of us that are doing ours on the first day, already have a plan on how we are going to introduce ourselves. I feel good inside, that they have accepted this older woman in their group of 4. Just hope I don't fail them. Told them I am scared and hope that I present material that is beneficial and that will give them something to think about with their parents. Most of these kids could be my kids afterall.

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
new_beginning, Nellie1:

--I believe that Jesus forgives sin, but that doesn't take away personal responsibility... or consequences for our choices.

TR--I agree with this too--and it doesn't mean we don't also suffer because of other people's bad choices--

The thing is though--we have to admit were sinners which means--we are taking responsibility
for our actions and our choices before God--
It's admitting to God--I screwed up--and even with that--it doesn't mean were off the hook from paying the consequences--

If we've hurt someone--were supposed to go back to that person and apologize--acknowledging to them what we did--not just a general--"Oh by the way I'm sorry" --He want's us to let them know we know, understand and are truly sorry for what we did that hurt them--

but at the same time--He want's us to realize they may never forgive us--they may never want to reconcile a relationship--and that is ultimately their choice--but all He requires is that we do our part to make things right--and that He does forgive us--even if others don't--

--Do whatever you want, and as long as you remember to ask for forgiveness before you kick the bucket, you're all set--

TR--Actually, this is not true--yes, I know many people believe and live this way--but it is a false belief--and even discussed in the book of Roman's Chapter 6--(in case you want to look it up
at some point)

--Those of us who don't believe that have to remain accountable for what we do.

TR--And you know--even as Christians, we will be held accountable before God for what we do and don't do as well, including the motivations behind the actions both good and bad--and folks who think other wise--apparently haven't read or studied their bible--and many preachers unfortunately aren't teaching it--but it's all in there--

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,302
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,302
Faith4me - I read this and I thought huh?? Some people on this thread that are giving you advice do the same thing as you when it comes to thinking about the ex and what goes on in their lives - And for everyone to say stop it - well you know what that is fine and good - but in a perfect world we don't always react the way everyone thinks that we should...I really truly believe that if I could stop myself from thinking about what my ex is doing and with whom I myself would be 100% better... And actually I have found that not speaking to him at all what so ever - is the answer for me - But still I have been betrayed and do I need to let go of that sure I do and I will someday - totally but now and again it does creep back to me - The burning question of Why did he do that to me?? Now I don't even think I care about him anymore at all - but still the fact that I was dumped and put through this hell pops back into my mind... We each have our own journey and advice is great - truly it is - and sometimes in my case the people that are the harshest are the ones that I stop and say - OK you know what they are exactly right and that is what I should and want to do... I think that given time we will all move on... But it isn't up to one person or the other to tell us that enough time has gone by and we should move on - that you should be somewhere else in your path to recovery... Peachy still clash with her ex all of the time... and obsesses over what he is doing and with whom and why?? And is this normal yup and do we think she should be over it - yup and when we read it we say - why is she doing it - but we all have to deal with our own personal situations... I think that day after day you will get better and one day you will wake up and say Ex who??? Good Luck...

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
Faith4me,


If you ex-h comes to your home and starts telling you how things are going to be--kindly show him the door--

If he refuses to leave--pick up the phone and ask the police to come over and remove him for you--

but, can I say something--You keep posting on here all these things *YOU* are *going* to do--and you know your EX posts and reads here--so I imagine he is playing with your head--to see if YOU are REALLY going to do what you said you are going to do--

It's like a little kid--you tell him no he can't do something--he's going to turn around and do it-
and they will continue to do it--until they suffer the consequences of their actions--

If he has to have to police come cart his butt off a few times for coming into your home and trying to just run rough shod over you--he'll eventually STOP!!

So don't only set boundaries--set up consequences for stepping over those boundaries as well--something that will help him get the point--

Boundaries are only as good as the consequences that follow--

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 888
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 888
Nellie said:

"I think most people here just want to hear the "good news" - they just want to hear those fairy tale stories about BS's who find some wonderful new SO and live happily ever after."

I disagree that most people are here to hear good news. I believe that most people are here to learn what others did in their lives that led to their good news. I certainly enjoy reading about others' good news--probably because I also read about their struggle that preceded it.

I totally disagree that good news is about a "wonderful new SO". A "wonderful new SO" might be part of someone's good news at some point, but it is usually preceded by lots of good news in many areas of their life, and that good news is usually preceded by the stuggle of learning what others have already learned and can show them. I don't have a "wonderful new SO" but I have good news in my life. I might have more good news tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that--it depends on what I choose to do today, tomorrow, the next day....

I'm no spring chicken and have financial issues--what's that got to do with the path I choose to take?

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 132
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 132
Nellie,

"Jesus forgives our sins. All of them if we ask.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It must be really handy to believe that - and I know that not all Christians do. Do whatever you want, and as long as you remember to ask for forgiveness before you kick the bucket, you're all set. Those of us who don't believe that have to remain accountable for what we do. "

Nellie, I'm not wanting to argue, but you comment struck me as very odd. As people WE ALL SIN. You sin too. Their isn't a Christian faith that doesn't teach this. Also as Christians, who believe Jesus has died for our sins, he has assured us that he will forgive us our sins if we ask. Of course you have to mean it and be sincere. There isn't a sin in the world that you can do that won't be forgiven. That includes adultry, murder, rape. You name it. If God did not forgive us our sins, no one would go to Heaven! We as people like to rank sins. Or think that one sin (especially adultry on this forum) is greater and unforgiveable. According to the Bible, God doesn't do that. (Catholic faith teaches that sins are ranked though) Never did I say, or mean, that a person could live as sinful as they wanted as long as they kept asking for forgiveness.

Just wanted to clear things up.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Faith, I’m just going to chime in with the chorus. And we are rather like a Greek Chorus warning the heroine of looming doom. Why are you bothering? To waste any energy on it? Why would you even want to tell an old mistress what you think about her? And the energy and passion you feel towards these two people sounds like something right out of an Italian opera.

When my older daughter starts worrying about Mommy and Daddy and other things she can’t control, she’s learned to think of something else. Of course, she recently told my mother that what she likes to think about is food. Because she really likes food.

I’m not recommending food to anyone over the age of 10! But something else. Or be like Scarlet when it comes to X and his doings – say “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” And then, think of something else. If you’re one of those people that functions better with a bit of drama, stress over your school work. You probably do that anyway.

And I’ll disagree with Peachy and others who say the opposite of love is not hate. Hate is the opposite and the complement of love, just as Yin and Yang are opposites and complements, God and Devil, Good and Evil. The opposite of emotion is apathy. And it is not a complement to emotion, just an opposite.

Hey, maybe we need to words to express “opposite.”

So, where we hope is that you’ll let them go outside of your realm of emotion. Stop feeding their ghosts with your thoughts, and soon they’ll die and wither on the stem.

I read to take my mind of things. Pure escapist stuff usually. If you like mysteries, try Sparkle Hayter’s books – What’s a Girl Gotta Do is the first. The heroine is left by her husband for a younger woman just as her career plummets. And it’s quite funny. And not much love stuff to make you lonely for romance.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
Vent vent - an update. X has been in contact with the bimbo Ms. Debi. He sent me an e-mail this morning at 3:15am, before he was leaving for the airport. He is in ARizona with her now. Probably sharing her condo and bedroom. HE would not state it to me in person last night, but sent a very indictive e-mail stating that he has been in contact, and that he is going to meet her this weekend.

Also, he says he is going out there to take his a/c license. Well, he can't lie to me. He doesn't have to take his license out there. He made this point to be with the bimbo. You can take your license anywhere. I found out when I was in Florida. I can take my license at any Sylvan Learning Center. And I asked about a/c licenses, and he can take it here. And have the test sent to the state he is taking it for. The X thinks he can lie to all of us, and will continue on with his lies.

I talked to his mother today, and told her, about what I found out, cause it didn't make sense to me, and she is appalled by his lies. I told her to be careful, cause he is going to try to pull more crap on her. And I am setting a big boundary up for him. No longer is he to be at my house without asking me. This is going to stop, or he is going to pay. I also saw counseling today, and showed her the vindictive e-mail, and she doesn't know who he is, but by is writing he is one messed up man. Just for him to want to be back with her shows that he has no morals, and is very niave. I agree.

I am doing something else that the counselor helped me with legally. Will work on this the next couple of weeks.

This man thinks that he has everyone even you guys at marriage builders fooled. But you are the ones that told me he is already seeing the other woman. And I wanted to believe you, but now I know that this man is the biggest liar of all. All for radical honesty on his part. All newbies, be careful of SNL and who he is now.

Anyways, I am doing okay now, and let the XH and the whore have their fun. They belong to each other with their deceit and lies. She deceited me and used me and manipulated me, and the XH didn't care. WEll, he can be manipulated by this devil of a woman, and he will be shot down sooner than he knows. She is nothing by an immoral and psychologically unstable woman.

All for now. I have to do my paper.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
Ok...

Here are some absolutes about divorced people:
1)they are legally able to sleep with ANYBODY THEY WANT TO.
2)Sometime in the future, you might sleep with somebody too.
3)if somebody is having an affair, they will most likely shag the OP ok?
4)if you're divorced and had an affair, you might very well sleep with that person now..or others...who knows?


While he may be there in AZ, get over it. I got over it and completely know that my xh is gonna sleep with his new OW/W and probably at least one more OW on the side, as a kind of bonus or something.

And yea, we know it's immoral and although no longer married, it's still not cool to do that. But get over the sleeping around part. That happened some time ago. Not like it's just another d day again or something. You've known about this for a few years. No surprise there.

Now if he throws curve balls like "I am gay" or "I hid a million gazillion dollars from you and the kids" or he gets another woman preggers like my x did, then that's news. I'd fully expect you to vent about that.

But hon, XWS are what they are.

Don't even try to attempt to hold an EXHUSBAND to the policy of radical honesty because it DOESN'T APPLY TO YOU ANYMORE. Not at all.

I'd fully expect him to sleep around. WS do that ok? Part of the whole deal.

I'd be much more angry b/c he keeps entering your home without your permission.

Focus on what you can change. I know my x was on a business trip and was probably with OW2 when his new W was in labor yesterday...Does it surprise me? No. Not at all. Do I sometimes get shocked by the biggie stuff? Yea. But as time goes on I will get less shocked and less.

You can deal with him about finances and about the kids but don't expect him to do anything moral or decent or good if he didn't do that before ok?

You're still focusing on the affair as though it happened YESTERDAY. Heck he's probably been sleeping with her off and on for the last 2 years ok? That's what I was concerned about. Heck, if it were about something different (the breaking in) or the kids or his not paying CS or Alimony or something I can understand..But don't get shocked by something he's already done.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
Ok...

Here are some absolutes about divorced people:
1)they are legally able to sleep with ANYBODY THEY WANT TO.
2)Sometime in the future, you might sleep with somebody too.
3)if somebody is having an affair, they will most likely shag the OP ok?
4)if you're divorced and had an affair, you might very well sleep with that person now..or others...who knows?


While he may be there in AZ, get over it. I got over it and completely know that my xh is gonna sleep with his new OW/W and probably at least one more OW on the side, as a kind of bonus or something.

And yea, we know it's immoral and although no longer married, it's still not cool to do that. But get over the sleeping around part. That happened some time ago. Not like it's just another d day again or something. You've known about this for a few years. No surprise there.

Now if he throws curve balls like "I am gay" or "I hid a million gazillion dollars from you and the kids" or he gets another woman preggers like my x did, then that's news. I'd fully expect you to vent about that.

But hon, XWS are what they are.

Don't even try to attempt to hold an EXHUSBAND to the policy of radical honesty because it DOESN'T APPLY TO YOU ANYMORE. Not at all.

I'd fully expect him to sleep around. WS do that ok? Part of the whole deal.

I'd be much more angry b/c he keeps entering your home without your permission.

Focus on what you can change. I know my x was on a business trip and was probably with OW2 when his new W was in labor yesterday...Does it surprise me? No. Not at all. Do I sometimes get shocked by the biggie stuff? Yea. But as time goes on I will get less shocked and less.

You can deal with him about finances and about the kids but don't expect him to do anything moral or decent or good if he didn't do that before ok?

You're still focusing on the affair as though it happened YESTERDAY. Heck he's probably been sleeping with her off and on for the last 2 years ok? That's what I was concerned about. Heck, if it were about something different (the breaking in) or the kids or his not paying CS or Alimony or something I can understand..But don't get shocked by something he's already done.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
X has been in contact with the bimbo...He is in ARizona with her now. Probably sharing her condo and bedroom...Just for him to want to be back with her shows that he has no morals, and is very niave...This man thinks that he has everyone even you guys at marriage builders fooled...he is already seeing the other woman...All for radical honesty on his part...let the XH and the whore have their fun... They belong to each other with their deceit and lies... She deceited me and used me and manipulated me, and the XH didn't care... WEll, he can be manipulated by this devil of a woman, and he will be shot down sooner than he knows... She is nothing by an immoral and psychologically unstable woman...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, what part of this quote is about YOU?

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
new-beginning NOTHING about me. Yep, I see, but I had to get it off my chest. I will say this from the bottom of my heart. I just can't see myself in this predictament at all. I have morals. I have the love of God. This woman professes to be a christian, just like she did while having sex with my husband at the time. XH doesn't see anything wrong with this. I wonder how he would of felt if it was me having the sex with another man, and then continue on having the sex after the divorce. I just can't get it through my head. Where are the morals, in this. Of course when you do the samatics like XH does, and says he didn't have sex cause he didn't insert his penis in her vagina, but inserted other things in her vagina and everything else. That is sex. We had a little discussion about this last night, and he is all set on he didn't have sex. God is seeing him now committing an adulterous life in from of God our savior.

Just had to vent, cause I feel hurt that I got involved with a man so messed up and so into having a sex bimbo instead of a woman that was morally with God. I just don't understand and will not understand.

And it hurts, still to this day, cause I was mislead, and it hurts that I was so naive in such a distrustful man.

Anyways, I am okay with myself. I know that I am a good person. And I know that God loves me. And I know that I have kept myself without sex for a good 3 years. The X wasn't anything special in the sex department, but I loved him for him, and not his organs. And of course he loved the other woman, and compared my anatomy of my organs being not ample like hers and calling it biology. That hurt. Which I brought up in counseling today.

Anyways, he is the one that has to live with this his whole life. I know that I have been a good woman, and I will wait for that special man to come into my life to give my heart and body to. I can full heartedly say to him, I have only had one, only one man in my life, and that was my hsuband. Can't say my hsuband can say that. He has had other woman in his life, and that should of been a red flag before I married him.

In a way, I talked to X stepmom, and she told me about X's father, and his father had 2 affairs in their marriage. And she said, sounds like my X is following his fathers footsteps. She of course is not happy with the X. Because he didn't even have the courtesy to go to his own fathers funeral. Or even send a card (which I sent a card wtih his name on it), or even call her to send his sympathy.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
You say you're the one with all the morals, faith, etc...and you blast him because he's seeing the former OW. You go on and assume the morality and faith of the OW. I don't really think that's cool to assume the faith or the salvation of somebody else. Or lack thereof.

Now granted, moral people don't usually have affairs. But this stuff IS NOT NEW. You know all about it. You've known for over a year about their A.

You say why does he want to sleep with a woman like her when he could sleep with someone moral like you? When you blame the WS or XWS, they just clam up even further and will go to lengths to either avoid you or tick you off even more. Or run to the OP because you are blaming and pointing fingers at them. I say detach and unless it's something big, forget he exists.

If you want him to keep shacking up with her, then keep posting about it here so he can read it and keep calling her names here so he can read it.

Or you could file it away in the mental rolodex and chalk it up to the mentality of a former wayward spouse.

Or you could post about you. You could do something for yourself and post about it. Like go get a new hairstyle or go running at a local park or join a single's club. We want you to heal and enjoy life. It's out there, trust me.

A wayward is going to do what a wayward is going to do ok?

You are too much focusing on what he says, what he does, what his mother says, what everybody thinks about what he is doing/did, where he is, what OW said, etc.

My old counselor said this...Leave alot of this crud alone if you want peace. She said that an affair is like a huge stinking pile of crap. That it is horribly smelly at first because it's fresh but that over time it kinda hardens and you don't smell it as much. But you go and kick it and it gets all stinky again. And that even though you leave the crud pile alone, everybody knows it's really a crud pile and not a bed of dasies. Think of the crud pile and the stink when you want to write or focus on the day to day stuff your x does or what anybody around you thinks about him.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
AM READY FOR HELP IN SETTING BOUNDARIES!!!!

1. I am ready to set some serious boundaries. Today has been an awakening of my soul, and my mind to realize nothing is ever going to be easy with the X. He will continue on his path of doing what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. So here goes, How am I to keep him out of my house? I really would like the help. Cause I am going to move on. This is time for me and me only.

2. Does anyone suggest how I can enforce that X stay away from this house without a PPO? Just asking, cause that will be the step I will have to take if he continues on his path of telling me that he GAVE me this house, while he bought the house in Arizona with his bimbo and used my settlement money, and him and bimbo had sex in that house. He didn't give me this house, I earned this house with my hard work and elbow grease. I would like to do this without a PPO, so any suggestions. Otherwise a PPO will be enforced.

3. How do I take and get the X to keep the kids out of the business of X and I. I do keep the kids out, cause they all have been hurt deeply by this divorce. But X still is still involving the kids, and still going through the kids to tell them that he is coming over. They need to move on with their lives, and he needs to keep only business between he and the kids in his conversation and leave everything else out.

4. Boundaries are need to be set on how many times he calls here too. The business phone is here, but I can easily have it taken out, and my home phone would be out too. But I really don't mind, cause I can use a cell phone for all calls. The business phone was only allowed here for the purpose that he would pay for the home phone. Otherwise, I told him it goes. So I need for him to call only 1 or 2 times a day, no more.

5. I need to set boundaries for me to move ahead. He has moved to the science experiment. At least that is what I was told. So let it be. Cause I will not get involved in his it is only biology persay. I need to hear less of his voice here. And how do I reduce his voice?

6. What about all the things that were suppose to be done per the divorce decree and are not done. Getting the old A/C and furnaces out of the yard. I did that the last few weeks, and a pile is left.

7. What about his paying the doctor, hospital, anethesia bill for the physical injury he did to me. That was suppose to be paid within 90 days of the divorce decree. That was June 6, 2003. What should I do about that?

8. What should I do about his calling me a FB, whenever he feels like it? Is there something I can do about that?

9. What about his lieing. How does one deal with the lies of the person that you loved at one time? I am having a hard time with that, as you can see from the posts. Never thought this man was such a deceitful liar. But wayward spouses are all grouped together I guess. How do you all cope with the lies?

Will type more, took my meds and am getting tired.

I am ready to move on with help from my MB friends.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
Ah, Faith... ((((((((((((Faith))))))))))

Listen... I have a bit of a headache myself tonight, so can't type a long response. I've been hanging around here way too much myself lately.

Anyway....

I do want to comment on something quickly:

You asked what to do if he calls you a FB? Walk away. Hang up the phone. Refuse to listen to him. Refuse to engage!

Please take care... it's time.

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong> AM READY FOR HELP IN SETTING BOUNDARIES!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's hoping.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<strong>1.</strong> Change the locks.

2. Nope. Apparently only PPO will do it.


3. DON'T TALK TO THEM ABOUT HIM. DON'T TALK TO HIM ABOUT THEM.

4. Business phone O-U-T.
WHEN HE CALLS AND YOU HEAR HIS VOICE, HANG UP. Do not engage.
DO NOT ENGAGE.
DO NOT ENGAGE.

5. See #4 above.

6. Make a list of the things that are not done yet and send it, along with the divorce agreement that states he will do them to your attorney.

7. Keep sic'ing the creditors on him. Give them HIS phone # when they call. Write back to them when they send threatening letters and give them HIS new addy. MAKE COPIES OF ALL THE BILLS HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR AND HASN'T PAID AND SENT THAT TO YOUR ATTORNEY AS WELL.

8. See #4 above.

9. SEE #FOUR ABOVE.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
I don't have an attorney as yet. I have made a call, and the only thing that will get me through this is to show him that I mean business. He will say I am being mean and vindictive. But that is his words, and only his words.

I have struggled with a severe headache since yesterday morning. I know it is stress, and I know it is the lie that he told me again. I hate his lieing, I hate that he doesn't see that there is anything wrong with him. I hate myself for giving my body and my life to this man. Cause I didn't want the divorce, and he did. Just like he wanted the affair, and now he is back with the Ms. Debi.

But I have to move on. And yes, I have written him a e-mail telling him that thins are changing. We talked a little today, and I told him things are going to be different when he gets back, and he went on I am being mean and vindictive. But the kids now know that dad is seeing Ms. Debi cause I decided that they should know. They were hurt.

A friend of mine told me to start writing in my journal again. So I am. The headache is still here. And yesterday I was not wanting to live. But today I am. He is not worth giving up my life for. He is not worth that at all. My children would be so devastated if I were to kill myself. I talked to someone very dear and special last night that helped me through this, and made me realize what impact this would do on my kids. So no I want to live, I want to find someone that really enjoys me as a wonderful woman, a kind woman, a loving woman, a sensitive woman. A woman that loves animals, the beauty of the Lord, the beauty of our nation, and the beauty of family and friends.

The x never put much presidence into my family. Just his, but my family loves me and loves my kids. He doesn't keep up with his family, and he has no friends except now for his Ms. Debi. He doesn't even talk to his brother. They don't get along, and of course X put the blame on his brother and his brother states it is X's fault. X is a loner, doesn't do much outside of the house and computer. But I am going to sell some of the stuff here, and get that bike that I so much want. I want to join the biking club in Ann Arbor. And now I am joining a divorce group in Ann Arbor. It was highly recommended by the counseling group I am in. They are starting a new session of 8 weeks, and I signed up.

Also, I am going to start dieting for good. Been pretty easy the last 2 days not to eat. When I get stressed out I don't eat. So probably have lost a couple of pounds, food just doesn't want to go down.

Also, telling the Dr. that I am going to see for my daughter, the X will be there as well as the daughter. I am going to tell them what the X did as far as the affair, and the ballistic actions, because the info that I have, states that stress could have indications towards her disesase that she has. I did mention this to the X, and he got all angry. There is onething that he doesn't like to be told, and that he is in the wrong.

I admitted to him several times today that I have done wrong, but he never once stated anything that he did wrong. Just more justification of his anger and wrongness.

So I should get the business phone out of the house? Well, I will definitely bring that up with the lawyer I see. As well as the medical bills, telephone, to get my name off, and the past medical bills that are not paid. I will tell the lawyer that this has been his plan for years and years. He doesn't pay medical bills cause he feels that they charge too much. Then he will settle for much less 4 or 5 years later. Not the way that I was raised, and he wasn't raised that way. His mother pays all her bills.

I talked with his mother today for about 1 hour. She is so depresseed, and she is so down. I tried lifting her up. But her son is destroying her life. He is controlling her house, this is her house not his, and is not getting the house done. And it is such a mess 1/2 of the house. I hated to tell her the truth so I didn't, but she is going to end up like me, house not done and then he will leave her to the mess.

I also, stated to him too, that he has cried wolf too much, about his procrastination. He uses the procrastination as a excuse now, and I realize this is an easy way out for him. That way he doesn't have to accept responsiblity for his lack of interest in getting things done. So no more am I accepting those words. I am going to tell him, you have knows this for at least 30 years, and you do nothing about it. I gave him a book called 'Organization from the Inside Out', he never read the book. I gave him some seminars on getting organized, and he never went. I offered during our whole marriage to organize. I would of loved if he just left me be, but he had to interfere, and of course things didn't get done. Cause he changes his mind, wants things done one way and then changes it. That is what the one guy said who was working on the house, he finally gave up. See a controller rules, everything everything and won't let anyone take responsibility for anything. I can't live like that and now that I own this house, I am getting things done, and I have found good character people. So far, I knock on wood.

Anyways, I am getting tired, and my eyes are hurting so bad. Part is the spasms are coming back. I hate living like this, and I may have to have X cover me the rest of my life for the damage he did to me. Will see.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
Hopefully, I will hear from the lawyer. She will be able to help me in decisions of my future. The X is still playing 'wolf' for procrastination on not getting things done. And that will bepresented to her. I can if she needs prove to her that at present he is still doing the same thing. Just get his credit report. He has surgeries from 6-7-8 years ago that were never paid. Also, I can file for mental damages, which I didn't realize for the collectors calling me and harassing me, because he has not paid the medical bills that he is responsible for for the injury he inflicted on me. Which of course he doesn't think he did, by his writings here on MB.

Monday is going to be a difficult day, but a needed day of talking to the lawyer. Also, I get more of my life in order, with my financial resource.

I saw the movie, 'The Passion', I cried during much of the movie. It was difficult to see the suffering Jesus endured for our sins. He had all his faith in his father, and asked for forgiveness of those that were afflicting severe punishment on him. He spoke directly and asked to forgive these people, for they did not know what they were doing. And justly mislead in statement his blasphemy of being the King. I had a hard time with the movie, and would of loved to have someone hold me. But I cried an cried. No one else in my family cried. But thought it was funny that I was crying. The movie hit hard, and I should forgive my X for his adulterous life, his lies, but it is so hard. And his continuous adulterous life, and his continuous lies. I am going to work on this, and hopefully God will help the X out.

Getting ready for church, Need Pastor Jim more than ever today. Will talk to him later, made an appointment. Told him briefly, that the X has been talking to the horrendous Ms. Bimbo, and that he is seeing her. He just said, the man seems he will never learn. Seems he is looking with the devils eyes, and wanting to lead the life of an adulterous man. He has put his feet in the goals of fire, and he will get burnt. But we will pray. Bye for later. I have plans to go out with a few people at church after our lessons. See you later and God Bless everyone.

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
PLEASE START WITH NO DIRECT CONTACT except perhaps e-mail. Life is too short to focus on the failings of another human being. For whatever reason, you two are sick together.

I am trying, hard as I can, to do my part to help us dig out of the morass we are in, but we have a program of recovery. For you two, it just seems like a victim distraction.

You have a lot of control over your life. Before the affair started, I remember telling Tom, "My life is not dependent on what Sophia does." Now I realize, "My life is not dependent on what Tom does."

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,504
Cherished, I feel good that my life does not depend on what Joe does. He controlled me in every move. I couldn't even paint a wall without his okay. So yes I am doing more than I have in the last 10 years. I feel sorry for the woman that he might marry. I don't think him and the OW will marry. Cause the other woman saw through his controlling behavior, that is what she told me. And maybe she is desperate this time, cause she lost her husband, who knows.

But I know that I am going to be much happier without a controller dictating my where abouts, and whom I can talk to.

I do care about him, but he is a big man, and a high controller. So even if a psychologist were to tell him anything, he doesn't listen. That is why the Harleys, finally gave up on him, he wouldn't do the things that they told him to do.

I talked to someone today about a bike. I said that is one thing that I have always wanted was a bike to ride. And join a group of riders. They are looking into a used one for me. I am going to take my one daughter out to the store that she recommended for a good used bike. So we may go this coming month. I told her I can wait till then, cause I will see the Dr. the end of this month about my shoulder, and if I should have the surgery.

That way, I will meet more people, and have more friends. I would like to get one of my friends involved in the Ann Arbor biking club. Maybe that will happen. I know it would be valuable for both of us.

I do feel sorry for my children, after I told them about dad seeing Ms. Debi, they were not happy. I hate to see that this family is no longer a family. But that is part of life, and part of growing up.

Church was really good today. About how christ died for our sins, and how the picture depicted that statement. Not so much the suffering, but how Christ did not ever give up, he kept his stance on forgiveness of others, and kept his focus on forgiveness.

I am trying to forgive my X, but it is hard when he lies, and is disrespectul.

Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5