I am a whole person. I stated that in my first post. I am very active and healthy. I have many friends. But I am ready to move on with my life.

I understand the point you are trying to make and there are many people that may need this time to discover themselves. Or need more time than I did. I greived for my marraige, faced reality, started living for my self and now I am moving forward.

I feel we as humans desire the company of the opposite sex. And lets face it I am not getting any younger. It will be a hard search in this area. I am picky about who I want to spend my time with. As I feel we all should be.

Do not settle ... as a whole person you know what you want and dare to seek it.

Yes, we are created to have company ... God created Adam in HIS image as a company ... oh, well ... Adam needs someone to be with him ... that is Eve. We want a company but we don't need a company.

Back to my orginal post.....I hope I find him!

ha ha ha ......sorry. Life is funny sometimes.

Redhat, if either Adam and Eve cheat, then the cheater should be banished out of the "garden of marriage", right?

...its not like a predetermined time is required...its the time to recover emotionally, andto learn what you did wrong, and to correct the biases and attitudes that led you down the wrong path. whether that means personal change or better mate selection is up to you to determine.

I think this is a KEY statement. Even if one year goes by, you STILL may not be ready if you don't do the work. Even if your spouse made the wrong choice and left the marriage, you still need to heal and recover.

Time alone, doesn't do this.

To me, it's a combination of time and healing that really brings you to the place where you are ready to be the kind of man/woman who has something to offer a new relationship.

I, for one, wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't done the work....and that requires a fair bit of time, imho.

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong> JustinExplorer,

Why Women Leave Men

"I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned."

"My husband is no longer my friend."

"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[/QB][/QUOTE]

While I was not a perfect husband, I certainly did not fail her that badly, or near so. I am NOT the reason for her affair. And I am NOT the reason for her divorcing me.

She wants the OM and is divorcing me so she can have him. I really is that simple.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> Redhat, if either Adam and Eve cheat, then the cheater should be banished out of the "garden of marriage", right? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL ...

Yes, the BS has that option to banish WS ... but BS have to be righteuos (no sins)to act upon it.

I am not a bible scholar. Look at how many times the choosen nation (Israel) strayed and broke the covenant. Does HE banished them ?, not really, HE forgave and give them chances to repent and ammend HIM.

-rh-

JustinExplorer-
She might have left you for the OM and she may tell you she wants to marry him but odds are it will never happen. Odds are even greater that if she does marry him it won't last, they'll probably cheat on each other.

Do you care what she does anymore?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deafjeff:
<strong> JustinExplorer-
She might have left you for the OM and she may tell you she wants to marry him but odds are it will never happen. Odds are even greater that if she does marry him it won't last, they'll probably cheat on each other.

Do you care what she does anymore? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I care because what she does affects our children. She did not only leave me she left our children. She had lived at home with her mom for years up through college. She was in the same house with her mom and able to gain from her mom's experience.

My daughters will not have that advantage. The one who has moved out does not want to talk to her mom as she is disgusted by her mom's behavior. The one still at home, sees her mom very little because mom moved just far enough away that a quick to to visit mom is not possible.

Oh yeah! The kids! I tend to get so caught up in my own hurt and anger I forget how this crap affects them. Mine are real unhappy with their mother right now. I was defending her at first, she's on her own now. WW showed my oldest a picture of OM after D-Day and told him she had been on "a date" with him. He cried himself to sleep. She said she told them because she didn't know what I would do. I have been on a scorched earth mission as far as exposure but not with the kids. I went to dinner with a lady that has a son the same age as my oldest. He asked me if I had been out with anyone, I told him yes and who and he was excited about it.

But if you are legally married, and I don't know that right now, you are legally married. And it is not ethically ok, in my book, to date. Besides, what sort of example does it set for your children if you are still married to their mother and are willing to go out with other women. Their mother's disrespect for the marriage should not give you license to show the same disrespect.

You want them to be upset about her dating but ok with your dating? Do you see the conflict that would develop in their minds? Do you want to set that example? Do you want them to date while married?

I am dating a wonderful, caring man. His divorce is not final, but will be in two weeks. His wife, who he dated for four years/lived with for four years and then married three years ago cheated on him. They haven't lived together/seen each other in a year.
When I met him, there was an immediate attraction, but I did have a problem with him not being divorced. He got serious really fast and I cared about him/was attracted to him as well, so I got serious fast too I suppose.
We are both very spiritual/connect on many levels/...even have already talked about marriage. Nothing, other than the discussion forums I've seen on this site...well nothing about him at least is telling me that he's not ready for this relationship. I'm 30 and I have never been married. He's 38 and not yet divorced.
We've been seeing each other for five months now. Has he had enough time to heal or should I give him space? I don't want to over-analyze this. But I care about him and I care about myself and I don't want this to come out later that he needed more time.

I still think that the spouse who cheats (and is not remorseful) should be "encouraged" to date.

Because it will "push that cheater out of the marriage faster" therefore no huge delay in helping the family heal from the infidelity and lies.

I know you can sometimes recover after affairs but if the cheater will not change, and divorce is coming anyway, then "push that cheater harder" toward thier goal. And toward YOUR goal of getting them out of your life..

But as for the non-cheating spouse, well this is a hard one. I would say that this would take a lot of deep thought to figure out. Basically NO except in certain rare circumstances.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

If that was for me Cinderella, yes we are LEGALLY married. I felt emotionally divorced shortly after D-Day #2. Perhaps me going to dinner with another woman is morally wrong, I'll take my chances on eternal damnation. If I go to hell for that I think my WW will burn brighter for her A seven years ago, starting an EA/PA before moving out, continueing it while married by spending one weeknight every week, every other weekend, 10 days during spring break, etc. with him, destroying our marriage, and tearing our family apart. I didn't mean that I wanted my kids to be happy with me dating and upset with her dating but that is the way are. They know I am willing (sometimes more than others) to start over with their mother and I'm not the bad guy.

If that was for me Cinderella, yes we are LEGALLY married. I felt emotionally divorced shortly after D-Day #2.
If your wife felt "emotionally divorced" prior to her affair, why is it wrong for her to "date" while married?

I didn't mean that I wanted my kids to be happy with me dating and upset with her dating but that is the way are.
This simply teaches them it's okay to date while married if your unhappy. And this is coming from both parents, so it is more than reinforced.

They know I am willing (sometimes more than others) to start over with their mother and I'm not the bad guy
But neither are you the "good guy" (as far as the dating goes).

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

rubyb,
You know the risk and I can't tell anything since I don't know that man. However I have a link for you to check rebound R

baba2,
I agree w/ you on WS. My exW was very presistent on making her A to be R with OM. It actually helped me to move on quickly. I feel sorry for BS when WS is a cake eater.

How could BS justify their action after pointing finger at WS that breaking M vows then turn around and date ?.

Deafjeff,
Definition of fog per SH ... "to rationalized or justified one's action by unrational reasoning.

Chris,
Are we sure we live in the same state ? ... I love your response but it is like hit me now, east coast guy type <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

rh

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

C-CA123 I see a difference between emtionally divorced and going to dinner with someone and emotionally divorced and all but moving in with someone. I take responsibilty for the wrong I committed in going to dinner but in a world of black and white it seems a little grey. Perhaps not the exactly right thing to do but I don't think it compares to destroying a marriage and tearing a family apart. If it helps I will hang my head in shame and promise to never do it again.

Redhat- Am I being irrational?

I take responsibilty for the wrong I committed in going to dinner but in a world of black and white it seems a little grey.
I think it's only as gray as you want it to be.
If it is something which you would not do in a "happy" marriage, it is not something one should do in a crappy marriage.

Perhaps not the exactly right thing to do but I don't think it compares to destroying a marriage and tearing a family apart.
We weren;t compring it with anything. If it's not the right thing to do, then it's not the right thing to do, REGARDLESS of anything else that happens.

If it helps I will hang my head in shame and promise to never do it again.
If that's what you want.
Did you tell the kids it was wrong and you made a mistake? After all, you are trying to raise them to do the right thing, right? Making a mistake & owning up to it is the best way to teach them.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

redhat:

"2wrong doesn't make it right ..."

No, but 3lefts do!

Also, 2long does make a right, or at least he tries 2.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long