Will someone please please please respond with a success story where they ended up divorced yet they are very happy and content, BUT didn't get that way via: "and oh by the way, I met someone". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It would be so refreshing.

Snotty today,
Jo

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

As soon as I finish lunch!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Snotty?
You now have 5000 posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
A party maybe?

Okay, I got divorced and didn't "meet anyone".

I'm pretty content.
Very happy?
As I said, I'm pretty content. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Remember I haven't had the luxury of contact with the (now) ex, either.

I know Chris, I saw that after I posted the thread.

5 friggin thousand posts! And of all things, to make the 5K mark with such a "snotty" request too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I just read a few of these MB'ers latest posts where they feel so much better after the divorce, but only after the "oh BTW remark". As I'm reading their new-found-self story, I can almost see it coming ....

Thanks for showing up to tell me you are happy with being all on your own. Because I'm still working on that, because for me - I don't want to make anyone else responsible for my happiness. That's my job IMHO.

Semi-snotty now,
Jo

I'm much happier on my own now post divorce.
I am not ready to meet anyone, as I'm still cleaning up my own baggage, and becoming the healthy minded person I want to be - for myself and my children.

Life is way too busy to add another person at this time anyway. I'm enjoying just being . . . .

And since it's still early, there is still fallout from the X, so why bring another person into it. X has no problem doing that though, so part of the fallout is explaining to the kids that daddy can date, and that it's OK, and that they can talk to either one of us about it.

These people that date soon, sometimes introduce the children to their dates too soon.

I am divorced. I am happy and content.

I got there by taking no shortcuts (although I tried several).

I changed the things in my life that were making me unhappy.

I moved close to my family and friends. I put the kids in an excellent school. I lost weight because I didn't like how I looked or felt. (And because the doc said I was gonna stroke out, but hey - ya gotta start somewhere.) I started working out. Natural high is good. I started paying attention to the things I love, but ignored while I was married. I volunteer so much I should be a saint. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It makes me feel good, and there is nothing like perspective. I found new things to love. A kitty, school, and being able to control who I am.

I stopped: taking everyone elses problems on as my own. Now, I do have my moments, but I know and YELL - I cannot let people live in my head rent free anymore! I will not let them stay!

The only things I can control in this life are my children, and even then I can only do so much.

I finally let it go. He cheated. He was a jerk. It ruined my life... for a time. If I continue to let it ruin my life it's my own dang fault.

And oh, by the way, I met someone. ME. I'm a really neat person. Not perfect by far, but for sure one heck of a cool gal.

You are too my dear. You are smart and funny... and very caring. You've been so kind to me - and I can't even tell you how much that meant.

You'll be fine. Have some chocolate and treat yourself to a bubble bath or $4 cup of coffee... go to those cute little shops downtown and buy yourself something fun. It won't be a long term fix... but will scare the snot-ty right out of you for today.

Empowered today,
E

Chris -
I would be interested in an update from you. Where are you at this point in your life. In the past year that I have been here I have seen excellent advice from you, but not much of an update as to how you are doing at this point. Stuff like how often you hear from the ex - is contact with her still painful, stuff like that. It it isn't too personal.
Just curious how life is on this side of the mountain so to speak.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong> I am divorced. I am happy and content.

I got there by taking no shortcuts (although I tried several).

I changed the things in my life that were making me unhappy.

I lost weight because I didn't like how I looked or felt.

I started working out. Natural high is good.

I started paying attention to the things I love, but ignored while I was married.

I finally let it go. He cheated. He was a jerk. It ruined my life... for a time. If I continue to let it ruin my life it's my own dang fault.

And oh, by the way, I met someone. ME. I'm a really neat person. Not perfect by far, but for sure one heck of a cool gal.

Empowered today, tomorrow and always!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen, Amen, Amen! I couldn't have said it better myself....that is EXACTLY how I feel.

You can be happy if you choose to be happy. None of us planned to have our lives ripped out from under us....but you still have to respond to it somehow.

How you respond is up to you.

Feeling better than I have in years,
Ms.O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
Snotty?
You now have 5000 posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
A party maybe?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WARNING!!! Shameless flirting fray ahead.

Sure, we can have a party. What did you have in mind? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

j/k,
Jo

I ended up divorced in '02. I am now happier and more content than ever before in my life. My happiness comes from the knowledge of these things:

-my worst fear (being left by my W) came true and I survived and lived to thrive again

-my family and friends proved to be an excellent support network, and I became closer to them than ever before

-I tried some new hobbies (ice hockey, guitar playing) over the past few years and get a great deal of enjoyment from them

-I've also devoted more time to my old hobbies (trumpet playing, hiking, rollerblading) than I had in years, and it's been lots of fun

-I strongly believe that the lessons I learned in my failed marriage have changed me for the better

BTW, I did meet someone. But I don't see that as the reason for my happiness. I think the relationship works so well because we both contribute positive feelings and neither of us expects to receive happiness as a result of the relationship.

I believe that being happy, in large part, is a choice we make. That's why I chose my username.

Keep the success stories coming!

BP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
And oh, by the way, I met someone. ME. I'm a really neat person. Not perfect by far, but for sure one heck of a cool gal.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My Dear Empowered Today,

I just love you, and very much love what you said up above, it's truer than you may know.

THAT'S what I'm trying to get to. Loving me, knowing me, making me happy on my own. The only reason I was married was because I feel in love with ex-H. I was not looking for it. I was not the type of person who felt I had to be married or have someone in my life to be happy, content and complete.

I have read hundreds > of divorced stories here and you don't hear from people in a long time UNTIL they post that they're now healed and happy and then ... of course, the eminent tag line "and oh, BTW ...".

Why does this bug me so? Maybe because it's taking me so long to get over being betrayed. I certainly don't begrudge anyone their happiness, but just for me, I need to see it and feel it in myself FIRST.

I have had so many opportunities to be in a realtionship, and I BOLT! Who knows, I may not have another relationship in me.

What would be nice is to see a betrayed divorced someone finally post a "I'm so damn happy I can't stand it" unsolicited post, without that predictable "and oh, BTW ..." tag line.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

womanoffaith5,

I never hear from the ex. Divorced 2.5 years and she doesn't know.
I have only seen her 4 times in the last 5 years.
I have talked with her for maybe a total of 30 minutes (at the very most) in the last 3.5 years. Not painful at all.
She has only seen our kids 3 times in 5+ years.
She calls them every ~6 months to a year.

be positive,
BTW, I did meet someone.
Just curious but when?

Jo...I lived thru my divorce and, even though it took me a while, I became content. (Before I met my new H! LOL)

I worked, I spent time with my kids, I spent time with friends and family. Alot of times, I sat home by myself. It gave me time to think about what I want in life. And that is to be happy. I got to a point where I was VERY content with just myself and my kids. I didn't want to go on dates or anything like that. That's when I met my H. I separated in Dec 99. Divorced in Nov 00. Didn't meet my H until 11/01. Married him in March 2002. At that point, I was happy enough with me that I didn't need someone to make me happy. I could enjoy being myself with my H and not worrying about whether he liked me or not. He told me that I appeared very confident and self-sufficient and those were 2 things he really admired about me.

So no...I didn't BTW meet someone!

Take care, Jo!
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
be positive,
BTW, I did meet someone.
Just curious but when?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris,

It was in fall of 2002. If you're interested, there's a few more details in this thread...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=011461

... which I regret was most likely the last straw that caused Jo to start this thread.

Jo: I'm sorry if my first thread was annoying. When I went back and read it I could see how it almost seemed to imply that happiness was caused by meeting someone new. That was not my intent, nor is it my belief.

BP

Hi Newly!

You sound somewhat like myself and Liz.

For so long now I've tried to imagine being with someone, the way I was with my ex-H. Being together all the time, co-habitating, etc. ... I just don't see it, but moreover, it frightens me.

I feel as tho they'll have expectations and demand things of me that I'm not yet, or maybe never will be, willing to meet or deliver. And then there's that whole TRUST thing.

How in the world do you trust when Harley tells us never completely and fully trust your spouse, that we're all wired for infidelity. Anyone know?

Feeling snotty again,
Jo

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Wait ... I just had a bad thought.

What if I'm simply jealous of everyone else's resilience?

Hi Snotty Jo! It's good to see you again. You and I and E need to have a "grownup girls" party, I can see right now!

I have a success story--I ended up divorced and I am happy and content and serene and satisfied with my life (except when I light my butt on fire!--heehee). Gee, Jo, you've been here forever...you know my story. My exH was abusive, serial cheater, mentally ill--the WORKS! I did try for three years to save the marriage, but he was not willing to acutally put work into it. We separated two years ago, and just a little over one year ago the divorce was final.

One year post-divorce I do not feel entirely recovered, but I sure am on the right path. I got over my addiction to an unhealthy way of relating. I learned about abuse and got wise. I was amazed to find some self-esteem. Lo and behold, under that blamed, judged, accused, abused lady was a strong, independent, funny, smart, capable WOMAN!

As you can tell, I do still occasionally have days when I am just SICK of being single, because I'm a human and nuttier than a walnut brownie...but for the most part every day, I just feel HAPPY. There were so many things that I enjoyed that got lost along the way, and now I have found them again. I color. I swing on the playground. I play on the floor with my puppy. I laugh from my heart and mean it.

I think the hardest thing to get over was letting go of the "drama" of living in an abusive cycle. My physical body got used to being hyped up on adrenalin every three days and being "on guard"--so when months and months go by and nothing really happens, it initially felt "boring" and now feels blissful. It's steady and dependable and calm--the word that keeps popping into my mind is peace.

And btw, I can answer your trust question. At first I thought, "I am never going to trust anyone ever again. I'm never going to love, and I don't want to try." I think that was mostly a way of protecting CJ, and I went along that way for a little while. Thankfully, I met some nice men (like at work, etc.) who were non-abusive, friendly, funny men that opened my eyes to the possiblity that not all men are out to knowingly hurt me. I began to realize that I WANTED to trust people and was by nature probably on the other end of the spectrum: I trusted people too easily if I didn't use my head. Soooo...I practiced and used my head. If words and actions match = trustworthy. If words and actions do not match= not trustworthy and don't accept "excuses". I thought in myself, "What am I comfortable with?" and I decided to give people a couple of chances--and after that, I considered them to be consistently untrustworthy.

And that's where the whole "boundaries" thing comes in. What are you comfortable with? I came to realize that when I felt angry, I had a responsibility to myself to speak up about it and say it wasn't okay with me--but not wait until it turned into BIG ANGER! So, if I was true to myself and spoke up when I was angry, and the person handled it back in a fairly healthy, mature, equal way = trustworthy. If they responded in an unhealthy, immature, power over way = not trustworthy. Trustworthy people make the choice to earn trust every day, and occasionally make mistakes but then take responsibility. Untrustworthy people...well you know how that goes!

I think what Harley is trying to say about trust is "never rest on your laurels." I can trust a person as far as they have demonstrated to me they are trustworthy, but especially as it relates to relationships and marriage, they have to be worked on every day. I think a lot of us went through our marriage "asleep at the wheel" trusting our spouses because WE were behaving trustworthy. Don't rest on your laurel. Meet needs every day; avoid LB's every day; be attractive on many levels every day; and give trust where trust is earned.


CJ

You and I and E need to have a "grownup girls" party
Can I watch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , I mean hear about it later?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123 in response to CJ's response:
You and I and E need to have a "grownup girls" party
Can I watch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , I mean hear about it later?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL .. I'm tellin.

You big chicken! You didn't respond to my response to you regarding "a 5k party".

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Yanno... there is just something funny about the grownup girls party and then the little tounge out guys... my daughter calls them the licker guys.... Chris watching... boy would some of our ex's have a blast with that!

C'mon, I gotta respond somehow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Yes, newly is for sure one of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You know as well as I do Jo that everyone does things in their own time. We are all put together differently, and our hurt and experience make up who we are - so it isn't necessacarily (sp?) a bad thing that you aren't at a certain point. Hmmm, lets just think of all the damage Jo could cause by just pretending it's all over and done and fine. You'll be back here in a bad spot before you know it.

It isn't somewhere you can put yourself either. You can work towards it, but until you get there you just ain't there baby.

Trust. That's a hard one. There are bad people, stupid people, mean ones... you get the idea. It's just the way it is.

You have good judgement. That will help.

I ask guys right out how their marriage ended or figure a way to ask about their thoughts on cheating. The ones that did are automatically out. Sorry, some may not agree with me. It's my heart, my rules. Don't care if they've reformed, found Jesus, whatever. I have dealbreakers, and I enforce them. Tough when the fella is cute and seems like a total package - but I know why I have that rule. I don't ever want to have a bad day with my mate and then say something out of anger that just upsets me.

What else.... oh, wired for infidelity. Well, I don't know. I'm not an expert. I know that people look, and people have free will. You can't make someone love you.

I think I've said that a million times in my 4 years here.

You can't make someone love you.

Worth repeating.

In the end it isn't our choice what other people do. We can ask them to behave a certain way, wish it, pray for it, send up smoke signals, dress in Vic's Secret... but in the end they do what they want.

You're gonna be fine Jo... married or not, dating or not, it will all turn out fine. Jo needs to do what she has to do, and then I promise you'll feel awesome.

E