First post: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=5;t=002327

Ok

Having put in a considerable amount of effort, I feel like I'm the only one who's aware that our marriage is garbage.

I haven't filed yet, but I've all but decided to do so as my first action after we've moved (next month).

I told W back in lat Oct to either get it together, or I was going to move on. And believe me, I struggle with the fact that making that statement makes me a complete @$$.

In the end, I'm still in for the kids (3), and the committment I made to "the other woman" I know is still lurking somewhere inside my wife.

The good:

She's the kindest person I've ever met (most of the time)
She's got a streak of innocence that can make me cry.
She is always quick to say she wants our marriage to work.
She tries to try
She say's she loves me. (I can at least say I think I love her).

The bad:

The most in-depth conversations she ever initiates usually involve the cat.. or dog.

SF every couple of months...maybe, after I've become very agitated about it. (yay.. really great SF)

Constant medical/mental issues... and I mean constant for the last 8yrs, one after another.

She's either between naps or watching T.V. 24hrs a day.

Very little domestic support (thanks to TV and Medication).

Probably the worst... she's anything but proactive in fixing her own problems (many).

The why:

I keep thinking nothing will ever change. Worse... I see my life slipping away. I don't... WON'T slog on through the rest of my life wondering if I could be enjoying life alone, or even with another woman. And, I do include my 3 kids (2 actually, one's about to move out). I honestly don't know if they would be better off without Mom 24hrs a day, and that is scary. (No, there is not even a hint of an OW).

And finally a silly one thats been bugging me. The other day a friend pointed out how odd it was that our (my) first kid is blonde, and quite frankly doesn't resemble the other two. Then I start goofing on the consideration that maybe, just maybe she had an A previous to the A I know about. NOW I'm considering a paternity test.... man I hate myself.

Ok, any questions? Fire away... I know I have it coming. Trust me, nobody on this board could do any worse damage than I do myself every single moment of every single day.

M.

Mort,

?? for you:
What type of "recovery" help/program have you and W utilized?

Paternity test????
What will you do with the infomration? The child is yours in spirit.

Otherwise, if you've done the best possible Plan A, I'd say it's time to move to plan B.

I'm got to run. when I come back, I'll read your thread and give a thought out reply.

PS: Have you told her the marriage is a disaster?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong> Mort,

?? for you:
What type of "recovery" help/program have you and W utilized? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her psychiatrist, and a therapist (who I did actually like). She still see's the shrink fairly regular, I go every other time or so... there's allot of other issues besides our marriage (I know how that sounds but some of those issues are part of the core problem). The therapist works out of the same office, and funny enough I liked the guy. But, naturally, W didn't like him and refused any of his recommendations. Sad part to that is I ran into the therapist not too long ago under other circumstances and he asked how it was going. When I told him I was back to square one and was thinking D... he simply said sometimes a person has to make a decision whether he likes it or not.

Mort.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> Paternity test????
What will you do with the infomration? The child is yours in spirit.

Otherwise, if you've done the best possible Plan A, I'd say it's time to move to plan B.

I'm got to run. when I come back, I'll read your thread and give a thought out reply.

PS: Have you told her the marriage is a disaster? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for the kid, sure... he's mine in spirit, but that would definately be a deal-ender for the marriage, I won't be duped twice even if it is out of order. Sorry, but thats just me, I only give out one get out of jail free card. How some folks on this board manage through multiple DDays is beyond me. I simply wouldn't do it.

I think Plan A would be nice but... I'm at the end of my rope. I've not really Plan-A'd (there is not infidelity going on, thats way old old news), and Plan-B would be the worst thing I could do right now, trust me... that would just make it easier for me to end the marriage.

Yes, I've told her... 8mo ago and various times since. Thought we were making some baby-step progress early on but as soon as I let up, she stops altogether. Point being, I'm tired and worn out from carrying the responsiblity for both sides of the problem.

Mort,

Please bear in mind that many of the folks who respond here are going to be responding from the point of view of someone who has lived with a mentally healthy spouse who chose to have an A. Those of us who have a spouse with a mental illness are in a different place, I think.

For me, I did not divorce my exH BECAUSE of his mental illness, but it definitely did contribute. He has bipolar disorder, rapid cycling, and was an abusive manic. He took the first "pills" offered to him and declared himself "cured" because he was medicated. Thus...if I still had a problem or issue, it was my problem because he was fine! haha!

Anyway, I can definitely empathize with your exhaustion: mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is soul-suckingly EXHAUSTING to deal with distorted thinking for weeks, months, and years, and never have any break or relief. Slowly but surely, your life and your SELF drains away with no hope in sight, and it just feels like your life is so utterly wasted.

Do you think that it would be possible to specifically tell your W what would make the marriage fulfilling for you? I suspect--or at least it sounds like--you are already beyond the point of wanting to re-ignite this relationship, and if that's the case, can you at least take a moment out of the despair to think what WOULD make it mutually satisfying for you?

I did not want to leave my exH over his mental illness; I figured it was part of who he was and part of the "for better for worse" vow. However, I did want him to acknowledge that his issues were his and DO something pro-active to deal with his issues. I wanted him to recognize the ways that he and his distorted thinking were contributing to the disintegration of the marriage, and do what he could to protect me and protect us.

In the end I had three core "deal-breakers":

1) What was his plan to make our marriage MUTUALLY fulfilling (happy for BOTH of us, not just him)? Include in there his plan to remain 100% faithful in mind and body to our marriage, and his plan to admit and deal with the possibility of sexual addiction.

2) What was his plan to admit and deal with his physical and mental illnesses? Include in there diet, exercise, medications, doctors and psychiatrists, AND how he intended to admit to himself that the illnesses were HIS and not mine.

3) What was his plan to admit and deal with his verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse? Include how he specifically intended to take full responsibility for abusive behavior and how he intended to protect me from further abuse.

Okay--those are pretty big "deal-breakers" but that was the list. If he could not/would not deal with those three things (fidelity, bipolar and diabetes, and abuse) then I could no longer stay. Sadly, once I said this, he had another affair, moved out, and we got divorced.

I have to be honest--you are in a tough spot. But I would not/can not just advocate divorce. It's too destructive--even in a "friendly" one!!!! See if you can narrow it down to your top three core issues, and see if she will voluntarily and enthusiastically agree to work on them. In a way, to her, it may sound like you're just generically whining, "Make me Haaaaappyyyyy!" or maybe she just slips back into her old habits.


CJ