No, it doesn't mean I'm going to cling to the false hope that we can be together. I just have to admit to someone, anyone, right now that I love this man I married and this divorce business so far hasn't changed that.

I met with the divorce attorney for the first time today and he was pretty sleazy. I kind of wonder if that's just a characteristic of all "family law" attorneys... But he really left me feeling weird about the whole thing. He seemed unwilling to believe that my husband wasn't going to try to litigate my @ss into the next century, despite the constant reassurance that A) we have nothing to fight over (what, is he going to sue to get my purse collection?) and B) we both agree on what we're splitting up. Still, Attorney Man seems all but convinced that my husband is suddenly going to wig out and try to, I dunno, sue to get custody of the cats or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

After I met with the attorney, I met with my husband and told him everything while it was still fresh in my mind. He assured me he really doesn't want anything of mine and just wants this to be as smooth a process as possible. We'd seen each other earlier in the day and aired all of the pain and suffering we'd been feeling, so this later conversation went really well. We talked for a few hours, ordered Chinese food, made arrangements to see a movie tomorrow, etc. Still, we're getting this divorce. And I still love him.

I am beyond wondering if this is the "right" thing to do. I'm beyond wondering how two people who so obviously care for one another can wind up in this situation. It just seems so messed up. I know he thinks he can't love me the way I need to be loved, and yeah, maybe we will both be better off not married to each other, but still it just doesn't seem to make a bit of difference to the inner Me who is still very much in love with him. And it isn't just the idea of him, but really, the whole package. He's a good man, a good soul... Honestly, what's not to love?

But yeah. The divorce is non-negotiable at this point. I need to be free for my own self-preservation. He needs to be free to address the things in his life he's been running from for years now. And then there's the teeny little matter of the OW.

*Sigh*

It's just so unfair on a deeper level than what we all operate on day to day. This isn't how it's supposed to happen, but guess what, it's happening anyway.

Ugh. I'm sorry. I'm rambling. It's been a long, exhausting day...

I would recommend a time out on your divorce.

My ex assured me that all he wanted was out....
5 years later and 42 appearances in court, I should have listened to the first sleazy attorney I saw.

Divorce is NOT nice. In fact it's hell on earth.

My recommendations? Hammer out an agreement with the two of you. Get everything down on paper. A great informational website is www.divorceinfo.com. In divorce there are two sides, one is the business and one is the emotional. You have to pay attention to the business side, otherwise you'll be down the road fighting over that *nothing* and spending money that you should be using to live. Don't ever lose control -- and by that I mean letting the lawyers run your divorce. SIT DOWN and hammer out an agreement with your significant other and then go to a lawyer and have it processed.

Just my $.000000000075 worth (I live in Canada eh!)

I am wondering the same thing. I posted a question earlier. I still love my husband and I want to stay married to him. He keeps giving me conflicting messages that we could get back together, and then he says "there is no guarantee". I am not sure how to continue. I have meet with my attorney and my sisters are paying for my divorce. Everyone seems to be a go of it except me.

For sarahbellem; did you try plan A/B before getting to this point? Also if I may ask what issues is he running from? Have either the two of you tried counsling? I fully agree with self preservation, but you can do that without going the D route yet. Plan B is a good way to protect yourself without calling in quits. In my relationship I had an emotional affair. Yet due to my wife dealing with her past I had to go to plan B today. I had to do it to protect myself emotionally, but she knows Im not turning my back on her, just protecting myself.

For vickieR Dont be bullied into a divorce, if your not ready yet dont do it. A good frind of mine has a great saying, " if you dont know what to do do nothing at all".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by john3479:
<strong> For sarahbellem; did you try plan A/B before getting to this point? Also if I may ask what issues is he running from? Have either the two of you tried counsling? I fully agree with self preservation, but you can do that without going the D route yet. Plan B is a good way to protect yourself without calling in quits. In my relationship I had an emotional affair. Yet due to my wife dealing with her past I had to go to plan B today. I had to do it to protect myself emotionally, but she knows Im not turning my back on her, just protecting myself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">John,

The divorce issue was already out of the bag by the time I got to this site, but I suppose in a way I'm doing a Plan A/B kind of thing anyway. And yes, I am also in counseling, and so is my husband. The "issues" you asked about have more to do with his untreated bipolar disorder than anything. He's not violent, nor is he manic or depressed right now... He is quite possibly in a hypomanic state (where he's functioning essentially normally but his mental state is questionable), and he's willingly addressing that possibility with his therapist. He told me today that he's worried that he's having some kind of "stealth breakdown" (my words, not his), but he feels for the moment that he's doing what needs to be done. And that means get a divorce.

He's really not in a position, whether it's mentally, or whatever, to make this marriage work. I had to come to terms with this, despite still loving him. It's a weird position to be in, really... He's more or less the same guy he's always been but he's determined that our marriage was not a healthy decision for him and now he wants out. He has had something of an EA with another woman in the last month, but I really don't think that's why he wants out of the marriage. He's kind of foggy in the sense that he thinks the possibility of having a relationship with the OW will be a better match for him than our relationship, but it's more about his concept of our marriage than it is about the OW.

Really, it can probably be explained neatly by the bipolar disorder, but it's actually far more complex than that, because face it, he's a complex person. What it came down to for me was whether or not he wanted to make the marriage work. When he said he didn't, I couldn't really do anything other than agree to a divorce because even if your spouse has a million affairs, if he/she wants to work on the relationship, it'll happen. If not, there's nothing much you can do but step aside and hope for the best.

So, that's it in a very small nutshell. Today we drew up a "divorce agreement" where we put everything we could think of down in writing concerning who keeps what and that neither of us will seek any damages other than the divorce itself and we both signed it. We each have our own copy. I know people are skeptical that any divorce can go this easily, but we've only been married for a year and change, we have no assets jointly or seperately and neither of us wants to exact revenge on the other just to prove a point. But the agreement is added insurance that we're sticking to.

And I still love him, dammit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

One big question. Why is his bipolar untreated??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by john3479:
<strong> One big question. Why is his bipolar untreated?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you can't force someone into treatment if they're unwilling to get it. He was dx'd 8 years ago or so, during a psychotic episode, and he was prescribed Haldol and Depakote, but didn't take either for very long. He decided to try to maintain balance by working out a somewhat exhausting routine that kept him constantly busy and that has worked for the most part. Now he's older and can see the merrit in medication and therapy, though. So it's not being ignored any longer, which is some small consolation in all of this.

Would a plan B type setup work? Once he gets it under control he may see what is happening.