Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
#779929 12/01/04 08:54 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 11
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 11
I bet there is one thing that we can all agree on. This is not where we would choose to be. But life happens and we will survive and by Gods grace be well, and whole in His time. (i think we would all choose right now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#779930 12/01/04 10:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
After baring the whole sordid story on my thread because I decided it was time for everyone to know who I was and who I am (and hopefully you'll understand they're NOT the same person), I do have a couple comments in response to some things LH said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You do notice that I lumped the cheaters/cheated together because there are those, like LL, who know the guilt, shame, & helplessness that this thing causes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true--I've sat on both sides of this fence. The guilt and shame of being a WS is unbelievable if you are truly repentent, and certain things still trigger waves of it for me. I messed up big time (and I do believe 100% that it never would have happened had I not been in a very lonely verbally and occasionally physically abusive relationship with an alcoholic).

If I am ever fortunate enough to be in another relationship, you can be sure I take to it a LOT of lessons hard learned and will be a LOT more careful than the average person who has not experienced what I have. (However, there are cheaters who just don't care--and right now my XH falls into that category. It's everyone else's fault that he HAD to dump me for a younger woman and don't people care about what makes HIM happy? You don't want to date or marry that kind of cheater!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plus if you want to judge pasts, no one would ever date me. Though I didn’t cheat, I had a long-term relationship with a bottle. So does that define who I am today? I’d hope not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having just ended a relationship spanning over 2 decades with an alcoholic, I feel VERY qualified to answer this! I'd be extremely apprehensive about a person and their use of alcohol going forward, and if someone shared with me that they had an alcohol problem, they'd better be ready to prove to me that they are not drinking AT ALL anymore and that they have a safety net in place (be it AA, friends at church who hold them accountable, etc). But....if I truly fell in love with someone and then found out they had alcohol issues in their past, it would not be a deal-breaker for me as long as it was IN THEIR PAST. I fully believe people CAN change despite what some may say. And I believe their faith has a lot to do with it. What I wouldn't do is date or marry someone who wasn't a Christian.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, as the relationship starts down the road of natural progression talks like that should occur, provided this relationship is based on a cornerstone of communication and honesty.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I'm not even ready to date at this point, I know that although my past will likely be a deal-breaker for anyone I meet, I would be honest with a prospective partner. I only kept part of my story from my XH because, having also been a BS, I know the pain infidelity causes and I didn't want to break his heart again, and I knew I was a different person and wouldn't let it ever happen again. I didn't keep it a secret for fear of punishment. I deserved the punishment. I didn't think he deserved the heartbreak, but I always felt this extra layer of guilt because he didn't know the whole truth about me (though I suspect there is a LOT I don't know about him and it is now irrelevant.)

LL

#779931 12/01/04 11:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
“””I do believe 100% that it never would have happened”””

But the reality is that I made a choice, no excuses.

“””I'd be extremely apprehensive about a person and their use of alcohol going forward, and if someone shared with me that they had an alcohol problem”””

Just like every cheating woman isn’t my x-wife, every alcoholic or drug addict is not your x-husband. I, obviously, can’t speak to his recovery, if he is choosing to do so.
“””they'd better be ready to prove to me that they are not drinking AT ALL anymore and that they have a safety net in place”””

So how can someone prove” to you that I’ll never drink again and for that matter how can “you prove” to me you’ll never cheat again? The only proof is in the pudding.

“””I fully believe people CAN change despite what some may say.”””

I’m banking on that, either that or I die.

“””my past will likely be a deal-breaker for anyone I meet”””

Really? I don’t see that. If my past is a deal-breaker for someone, then they obviously they aren’t worthy of my love. I can’t predict what tomorrow will hold, I can’t live my life for yesterday, all I have is today and the memory of the miracle that it took me to get to this exact spot. So when someone looks at me and see’s who I am today, with the knowledge of the journey I’ve been on, and likes where my path is heading then that’s my girl.

Last edited by FoundMan; 05/14/05 03:40 PM.
#779932 12/01/04 11:56 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by scared2try67:
<strong>right now i don't trust him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well Ms. Scared, I do believe our question has been answered.....

#779933 12/02/04 12:00 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 11
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 11
Your right, and man does that hurt

#779934 12/01/04 01:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
LH,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry LL, I guess I’m feeling a bit defensive on this one. So how can “I prove” to you that I’ll never drink again and for that matter how can “you prove” to me you’ll never cheat again? The only proof is in the pudding.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(foot inserted in mouth...) I didn't mean for it to come out that way and I'm really sorry I made you defensive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm not expecting anyone to jump through hoops for me. The safety net in my XH's case would have been to admit to someone, ANYONE, that he had a problem and to have someone or something to help keep him accountable when he was feeling weak. As it was, he first didn't admit that he had a problem, and then after DWI's and accidents and any number of other issues he did admit that he had the problem, but he maintained that HE could control it without any outside help. His best shot at it was for 2 years right before the affair that destoyed the marriage. He was staying dry (although he threatened daily that if the kids or I didn't do this or that, he'd start drinking again), but he had no one to keep him on track when he was weak, and when he met OW and the guilt got the best of him, he went back to the bottle and hit it heavier than ever, along with an increase in his meth use which was something he knew I hated but he refused to give up.

So, if I met someone who had an alcohol problem in their background, because of MY rather painful history with an alcoholic, I guess I'd want to know that they are willing to admit it, they are willing to try their best to never drink again (no little "samples" of alcohol like XH always wanted), and that they have friends, relatives, AA, or something as a backup plan if they're feeling weak. I don't want someone that is going to be so proud that they don't need anyone else to help them.

I truly don't ever intend to cheat again (but I guess no one, even someone who never has) can absolutely promise. So instead, I will do my best to ask myself if God would want me to do something BEFORE I do it, not put myself in compromising situations (no close friendships with men where I discuss my life or my problems, making sure I'm always in a public place with men I have to travel with on occasion (even though I am very professional and make a point to avoid compromising situations of any kind on the job), and trying to maintain close enough relationships with my sister and a few closer female friends that hopefully if I did start to cross over to stupidity, that one of them would be brave enough to pull me back.

Scared,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that the relationship that i am in now could work but not unless i feel like i can really trust him. and right now i don't trust him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with LH on your question being answered by the above comment. I've found that often my "gut" is a fairly accurate measure, and even if it's off, if there isn't trust, it will be hard to build any kind of a relationship. Given that he's going overseas, if I were in your situation, prior cheating or not, with the lack of trust it would be a LOT easier to not to commit to anything serious until he returns. Otherwise you may drive yourself nuts with worry during all those days you don't hear from him.

LL

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

#779935 12/01/04 07:04 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3,467
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3,467
I've been remarried almost 3 years now. My first H cheated on me and left to live with his OW/new wife.

I met my new H 3 years ago. He told me that he cheated on his first wife early in their marriage. He decided that he didn't want to be like that and they worked that out. 8 years later, she cheated on him with the neighbor and got pregnant. They divorced. I married him 4 months after I met him (I had been divorced for over 2 years).

I knew all of this shortly after I met him. He was very honest about it and I respect that. And ya know, I still trust/trusted him. Our entire marriage is great and I don't worry about him cheating at all. We both know that if we ever feel the need to cheat, something needs to be done (counseling)Neither of us wants to go thru another divorce again. We want to be married to each other for the rest of our lives!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#779936 12/02/04 09:17 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 61
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 61
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having said that, I think you are making a HUGE mistake in even considering marrying someone who has been unfaithful in a former relationship. I wouldn't even date a man who had cheated, let alone marry one.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, everybody makes mistakes...and yes, forgiveness is a virtue. However, history has a nasty way repeating itself. I had more than enough reasons to "justify" an affair myself. I didn't follow that path...and I don't want to be involved (or married) to someone else who was able to "justify" THAT particular behavior.

*IF* I had been unfaithful, then being with someone who also "coped" in that fashion, would be one thing. I just am not willing to "knowingly" introduce that particular element into my life.

Many of you have probably heard the story of the snake that was so cold. The snake begged the young woman to pick him up and hold him close to her under her coat. She said, "I'm not going to pick you up...you'll only bite me and I'll die." The snake assured her that he would not bite her. She picked him up; held him close to her. He bit her. As she was dying, she said, "but you promised you wouldn't bite me." His response was, "you knew what I was when you picked me up."

I have close friends who have been unfaithful. I doubt they would make the same choices again. But, I wouldn't bet my life on it.

#779937 12/02/04 10:19 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,076
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and I don't want to be involved (or married) to someone else who was able to "justify" THAT particular behavior.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was unfaithful, but I have never tried nor will ever try to "justify" that it was acceptable. It wasn't.

Would you be willing to stake your life on the assumption that a person who has never cheated never, ever would? (I didn't think I would either. Trust me...I am a person who is very angered by cheating, never think it's justified, and never would have dreamed I'd have done it.)

LL

#779938 12/02/04 10:51 AM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782
Since I am in the same boat as some others here - I'm a FWW who MOM. I don't hide the fact that I met my WH while I was M. I'm not proud of that - what I am proud of is that I felt remorse for what I did - I wanted only the best for him - we D on very good terms (though he was not aware of OM). I learnt that I would never do this to my spouse/self/family again - my parents were devistated..While I was happily in the fog..

Now I am the BS - I too could say that I have every justification to cheat - would I - NO - Absolutely, Positively, NO..I now know the pain firsthand.

Would I ever remarry - probably not..Do I even want to think about being single again - NO..Just thinking that I may have to go thru this pain again is enough to say - Let's be friends...Do I hope that someday my WH should we D met his match at the game - You bet I do...He deserves to know this pain and suffer like I have. He hasn't a clue nor a care...

#779939 12/02/04 04:31 PM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,398
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,398
Remarried a year after my divorce, been with my wife 2-1/2yrs and happily married for 1-1/2yrs. All is going better than expected. My EX and my wife talk often because of my kids......they meet, exchange clothes and so forth, my wife also picks my kids up from school when necessary. My kids love my wife and I love my stepson. I have been totally blessed to find a woman that is perfect for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#779940 12/06/04 12:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
Yep. Your question was answered. You don't trust him. My concern is that he is wanting marriage/engagement b/c of his deployment to Iraq. He may be feeling worried you'll have second thoughts (which you're having) while he is away. Or that he wants to solidify things b/c he is afraid you could cheat...

I like what LH said about having a year long engagement. You can always give a ring back. But getting another divorce is harder. If you love him, tell him you need some reassurances. Maybe see a counselor together. Talk alot. Be open and honest. This could be the best thing ever or it could be a disappointment.

I just want you to think thru things wisely.

As for me, I'd remarry again. I honestly believe that there is not another guy on this earth as bad as my xh was to me. In fact, my former counselor said that she was confident I would probably go thru my life fortunately never being around anybody that yucky ever again. I am also a different person now...much more like the woman I was before I met my xh. stronger, smarter, wiser. Don't let the fear of your former marriage keep you from any happiness the future can bring. Whenever I have those silly second thoughts or worries that this could happen to me again, I step back and think about the facts involved...did he ever cheat? Is he pretty honest? If he did cheat, how did he handle things and did he learn his lesson?

What my friends told me once over dinner in october when I was going back and forth over issues with myself and my xbf, is that when I do the "what if's", then my xh still rules my life. And that's wrong. He doesn't. Don't let yours. My life is what I make of it. And I can make good or bad choices. Don't make a decision based on somebody else or what somebody else may do. YOU make the decision based on sound facts and sound issues. You are in the drivers seat of your life now.

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 138 guests, and 90 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5