It is honorable that you want to reconcile...however, I did not get into the part about domestic violence. My computer is still messing up ok? My xh was very verbally and in the end quite physically abusive to me. It was as if I was almost brainwashed...yea, I said BRAINWASHED by him. You do owe4 it to yourelf right now to get counselling. You need that to get over the whole what if's and also to recognize that living or wanting to return to an un healed perpetrator of domestic violence is not the solution. My xh used to blame me for everything. He would knock me down and then say "why did you make me do that?" I know now it is wrong. My child will never see his mother hit by his father. Now I am sure, since he is not recovered nor done any healing or getting any help, that it may continuye with his present affair marriage partner. I hope not. But it is most likely. And if I find out, I will wisk my son outta there asap. Plus, I think she'd get out faster than I did because of her past history with men.

As for you, you need to realize you are possibly codependent and also a victim of spousal abuse.

That does NOT make for a healthy person to enter the dating world.

It would be very tragic. You need to get some hel-p, and to understand your stbxh is sick right now. He can't be healed unless he gets the help himself. You cannot do that or him. And no matter how much positive changing you do separately in your own life, no matter how much MB materials you learn, an abuser will NOT change unless he or she wants to change. You're frozen in saving your marrige unless he chooses another direction. And wanting to keep your kids around a person like that is wqrong and harmful for them.

You're just suffering from his years of abuse most likely...and you've learned to accept his actions and you've become codependent in trying to save him from himself. I did that. I know that. I walked that path for about three years ok?

I am out, healthy, and a great mom no...you can do it. Right now focus on you. He is outta the picture. Again, think and try to not feel your way through. A good psychologist can help you begin to find the path. Also, you might consider a support group for domestic voilence and maybe co dependents. And yes, it sounds like you could use some good help from your doc and get on an antidepressant. It helps clear the head when you're embattled i a stressful situation like a divorce and recovery from abuse.

I used them temporarily during the trials and the nasty stuff. It diod help me finally achieve clear thinking...and during that time, I also went to a great therapist and I worked on me because she made it clear that I could not change the x. He had to want to and to this day, he has not changed in any way at all...the same man/monster I divorced.

You notice, too, that wanting to date seems to be a natural reaction. I think it's a milder form of the whole "revenge affair" thing. You rationalize that you aren't out looking to have an affair, just trying to move on with your life, but the real motivation behind it is wanting to feel attractive to someone else again, and show your WS that they were wrong.

Let's face it - having a WS leave for someone else is a big ego blow, and the ego cries out for you to show that you've still "got it."

I admit to looking around before the D was final. I didn't actually date before, but I did post on some of the personals boards before. I waited until we had submitted the paperwork and were just waiting for the courts to do something with it (at least I thought so - turns out that after I signed the papers, my ex was clueless and didn't set a court date!) I rationalized that it WOULD be final within a month or two, and I would just talk to anyone that responded and start to get to know them, but I wouldn't go out with them until after the D.

And like most everyone else here says after the fact.... it was too soon. It was a BIG issue with one of the guys I was talking with (though in a way it was fortunate - gave me some insight into him that made me smack my forehead and realize I was way too vulnerable, that I would likely end up in a relationship with someone that wasn't very healthy for me if I kept trying before I healed some more.) And the ones who didn't care that the D wasn't final yet - I found doubt creeping into my mind about them too. Double standard, I know, but I realized I started wondering just how seriously they took marriage and commitment if it didn't bother them that I was still married to someone else, even if I would be divorced 'any day now.' Especially since everyone knows that's exactly what most cheaters say too!

I eventually realized - sure, some people might really believe me and take me at my word about the D being almost final, might be really sincere and all... but that in looking before I was single again, I was just asking to get involved with someone who was more likely to cheat.

And the point got really pounded into my head shortly after my D was final. One guy contacted me that was 'separated.' We e-mailed a little, and he said his story was very similar to mine. Never actually said the divorce was underway, but said that he was separated and implied the divorce was a given.

Then I started noticing a few discrepencies.... he had ads on a couple of boards, and most said he had no kids, but one said he had kids that didn't live with him. When I started questioning him, I found out he claimed to have been separated for about 2 months. ???? At two months, my X and I were still going to counseling. I asked about the kids, and he just ignored the question. We finally did talk on the phone a little, but he only gave me a cell phone number. I tried calling him, but never got ahold of him. He called me 3 or 4 times, and every time he did, it was very obvious he was in a car. One of the times, the conversation ended very abruptly - enough so that I thought we got cut off, but when I tried to call back, he didn't answer.

We finally made arrangements to meet, but after we did, there was a little voice in my head that kept saying "don't all these strange little things you've noticed remind you a lot of what you found out about WS actions during the affair?" Yeah, it took long enough, but the light went on. I sent him an e-mail, and told him that I had some concerns, and that I needed him to answer a few questions before I would meet him, primarily about whether or not he had kids, where he was living since he was separated (i.e. an apartment, with a friend, etc., not necessarily an address,) and a few details about the situation with he and his W. I had asked him some of these things before, and he kept putting me off, saying he'd rather talk in person. When I told him I wouldn't meet until I had a few of these answers, he just never answered back.

At that point, I decided that even if it did seem hypocritical, since I had put ads up while I was separated, I would not date anyone who was separated. Again, the light finally went on. For every one guy you meet who is sincere when he tells you that is the situation, chances are there are 10 for whom it is just the line they use while running around on the W.

So, aside from needing more time to heal yourself first - which is very true too - realize how much you are putting yourself in danger of getting involved with the whole cheating scene. We might rationalize it as "well, I AM getting divorced, and the divorce is almost final." But there are plenty of people who go even further and say "well, you were married too, so I figured it was all right that I was."

I know I'm not stating it well, but I guess I'm trying to say you lose that moral high ground, and I think it just gets harder to expect honesty from others, since many of them out there won't see their lying to you as any different than you going out with them before you are divorced.

Horsey-
You and I are on the same wavelength!
I found out my H has a new email address, and my first thought was "Why? WHat's he have going on?"
Doh! It didn't occurrto me that he might just want HIS OWN account-- one in which I don't know the password to.
So, I was thinking maybe he put out an ad. I do'nt know why I thought that. It's not his style-- more mine, to be honest.
I went to the personal sites and put in his zip code, and didn't find anything, but I did see some eligible men and the thought hit me "hey, I'd like to meet that guy... for when I'm single again (of course!)"
BUt I don't have it in me.
I"m more in the opposite direction. I need to take some time to work on me, figure my stuff out. O joy.
Why was I attracted to my H in the first place? He wasn't exactly respectful. When we first met, I was dating a man who really admired me.
And I blew him off because I realized I was attracted to my H. SAd, but true.
If I meet a guy like that again, when I'm ready, I'll step up to the plate and date him.
BUt for now, I'm looking at dealing with the mess from being abused, and from being brainwashed into HIS way of thinking (I became abusive back).
I moved to a new town where I know no one. Oddly, I haven't even tied to make any friends. I feel like I've got nothng to offer a friend, then why would I think I have something to offer a new man?
Hmmm.
Glad you canceled the ad. I didn't really even come close, but I did think about starting one.
I need to get divroced first.
Are you still wearing your rings?
Lucy

I emailed two men from the singles site, said I'm going through a divorce and now isn't the time, that I'm taking myself off the site, that I did it on a whim one night. YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT, who would even continue to email someone who's married, just left their husband, is in a crisis? One guy said he's going through a divorce and is fighting for custody of his daughter - that the daughter cries every night for her mother. REALLY, ya gonna admit that to a woman from a singles site who's about to go through a messy divorce herself. I emailed him back, said hey, I need to have space and not be emailing single guys, I need to figure out what's going on in my life, what my part in this was and not jump from one frying pan into the next... REALLY, that's what half those on singles sites are doing, they aren't really single either! Guy number 2 I emailed, sorry I"m going through a divorce, shouldn't have posted on the internet, I"m going to discontinue. He emailed me back, sorry, if I was thinking of going back to my husband he'd stay out of it anyways but I could email him "as a friend." Right. He said his divorce was easy. I emailed back that we had a horrible fight and it's not going to be an easy divorce, that I have a baby too. That otta scare him off anyways. TRUE, normal men ought to run like hell hearing abused woman, going through divorce, 9 month old baby, dad dying of cancer... NORMAL MEN. Are there any normal men out there? Right now isn't the time to know, but I called my bank tonight, a woman divorced at 30 with THREE KIDS, not ONE BABY, and she met a very nice husband who was at home with her baby, so she could work. She said she never thought she'd meet someone again and she did, he's great, her ex was awful. I left with a baby, left the big house and dreams, I can't think right now anyone would want me. But she said it'll happen one day, when I'm not looking, a very nice man... BUT it's not going to be now, from some crappy singles site, with sleazy men responding to me... of course they dont' care what I'm going through if they are selfish pigs!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by horsey:
<strong> I emailed two men from the singles site, said I'm going through a divorce and now isn't the time, that I'm taking myself off the site, that I did it on a whim one night. YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT, who would even continue to email someone who's married, just left their husband, is in a crisis? One guy said he's going through a divorce and is fighting for custody of his daughter - that the daughter cries every night for her mother. REALLY, ya gonna admit that to a woman from a singles site who's about to go through a messy divorce herself. I emailed him back, said hey, I need to have space and not be emailing single guys, I need to figure out what's going on in my life, what my part in this was and not jump from one frying pan into the next... REALLY, that's what half those on singles sites are doing, they aren't really single either! Guy number 2 I emailed, sorry I"m going through a divorce, shouldn't have posted on the internet, I"m going to discontinue. He emailed me back, sorry, if I was thinking of going back to my husband he'd stay out of it anyways but I could email him "as a friend." Right. He said his divorce was easy. I emailed back that we had a horrible fight and it's not going to be an easy divorce, that I have a baby too. That otta scare him off anyways. TRUE, normal men ought to run like hell hearing abused woman, going through divorce, 9 month old baby, dad dying of cancer... NORMAL MEN. Are there any normal men out there? Right now isn't the time to know, but I called my bank tonight, a woman divorced at 30 with THREE KIDS, not ONE BABY, and she met a very nice husband who was at home with her baby, so she could work. She said she never thought she'd meet someone again and she did, he's great, her ex was awful. I left with a baby, left the big house and dreams, I can't think right now anyone would want me. But she said it'll happen one day, when I'm not looking, a very nice man... BUT it's not going to be now, from some crappy singles site, with sleazy men responding to me... of course they dont' care what I'm going through if they are selfish pigs! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now you're gettin somewhere Horsey! You "broke the code". Good job!!! God will provide for you. If it's another man - it will be at exactly the RIGHT TIME. In the right way. And he'll be right for you. Believe it by faith! Just focus on doing what's right. Focus on that baby boy. Focus on getting well yourself. The rest, leave up to God. He's the great provider for those who put their trust in Him.

High Flight