I have not posted a whole lot on this board but have read many posts. The more I read the more feel I want to throttle some of us.<P>While I love my H and want to stay married, I just cannot understand why some of us stay. The stories are sometimes so bad and the treatment so wicked, it is beyond me why we stay with men or women who treat us so bad.<P>Sure, we can look at it like "the fog" But, do some of us feel that there is no other man or woman who would want us and choose to put up with the crap our WS dish out or do we have such bad self-esteem to begin with that we will take whatever is dished out? Single parenthood may not be so bad at times. Courts are here to help, although is sucks.<P>There are some stories here that make my heart sick. I wish I could reach out and hug all of us. But it seems there are folks here who will take every bit of s**t that a spouse will hand them then ask "Is s/he cheating on me"? It is so obvious with certain posters that I want to sceam.<P>While I love my children, I cannot let them believe that this is the "norm". I want them to be self-sufficient and know that they DO NOT have to put up with BULLS**t from anyone, especially the mother or father of their children.<P>Ladies & Gentlemen, if you feel your spouse is cheating, if things are "wierd" to you, if your spouse has changed, nine times out of ten, THEY ARE CHEATING. People do not change overnite. Stop asking other people if they "think" their spouse is being unfaithful. Care and protect yourselves and your children<P>And, I truly feel that you can love someone from a distance.............because I love all of you.

Kelski,<P>I have asked myself the same thing. Not if he is still cheating on me because I truly believe that is over.<P>But I have asked why I stay. I have had to put up with much more than his A and OC. He lost his job, I discovered the A and OC, he had tumor surgery, I went to the nut house for awhile, he got depressed and has been out of work for 13+ months now, we are in deep doo-doo financially and we lost our adoption of 3 children. So...why do I stay?<P>Do I love the husband I have been looking at for the past year. Yes, not as much as I have loved him in the past and not as much as I hope to in the future when we have finished putting our lives back together. I stay out of hope, hope that he can become again the moral person that he was when I married him, that he will get his act together and get back to work (he is finally looking). <P>I stay because we are still trying to reverse the adoption reversal and I have no hope of bringing those children out of that orphanage in Russia if I divorce in midstream. <P>I stay because I think that marriage is permanent, for life. I stay because I think that life is a set of problems. You pick the set you can best handle and that's what you do. I could divorce but that doesn't mean I would have a life free of problems. I would just have a different set. I could divorce, live well and be financially secure. I could adopt as a single woman and have a good life. I am not afraid of being alone nor of being a single parent. ('Sides if that happens, my mother has offered to move in with me and be the granny nanny.)<P>I stay for very many reasons. For our memories, for the hope I have for the future, for those kids that we are trying to get out of Russia and because I love him and hope that we can once again have a better marriage and that I will love him even more.<P>I don't feel codependt and our marriage counselor doesn't see disfunction on my part. He told me he admires my strength and the strenght of my faith in my husband. I know that very few women would have chosen my path, but it is my decision, my life and no one else's. <P>I won't stay forever if our lives don't improve or if we cannot work out this adoption and he holds true to what he is saying "These kids or no kids." I will not accept being childless in the face of his having had a child with another woman. I pray we don't come to that.<P>I think this is a very good and thought provoking question.<P>How about you? Why do you stay?<P>MJ

Thanks, Mrs. J! I understand what you say. But sometimes I ask myself "Is this man worth it?". Are my kids worth it? Why should I be the one to hold this thing together? My kids are ALWAYS worth it. I also believe marriage is forever, for better or worse. But some days the worse is more than I can handle and find myself asking, "what the F**K? I didn't sign up for this." <P>I want my kids to know that there is more to life..........

PS, Mrs. J., I guess we love a "different" husband? Not the same guys we married?

Don't know why I'm here. Still trying to figure that out. There are days that "I'm outta here!". Other days are so like we used to have. I keep hoping my "real" Husband returns. Go figger............

I'm not so innocent either, unfortunately. I had an emotional affair that my H knows nothing about. It ended long, long ago. THANK GOD! I didn't even realize that's what it was until this board. No PA on my part. What I did makes me no better than anyone else. Every day I feel horrible.

I know that "I didn't sign up for this" thought. It is shocking how quickly my thoughts go there since I learned of the A. <P>H has been having a lot of explosive anger lately. Not violent, not really even verbally abusive (although borderline) but just very unpleasant to be around. Whereas before I used to be able to tolerate a couple of rough weeks and figure that we would soon be back to normal, my love bank ain't as rich as she used to be. So...I told him so in counseling. I said "When you yell at me like that I think 'After all the sh*t I have put up with for the past year. After how hard I have worked to try to learn to forgive you, you talk to me like that? I am outta here. Eat my dust Mr. Job." I looked him straight in the eye as I said it.<P>He said that he has to work on anger management and that he doesn't want things to get that way between us. He is now seeing our marriage counselor on his own to work on anger issues.<P>MJ<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited August 24, 2001).]

Mrs Job: You have explained how I have justified staying to myself. I have asked myself,as Kelski does: why I keep staying when I have never taken any kind of crap from a guy in my life. My marriage was good, we had mutual respect & the freedom to grow as individuals. We worshiped together, and had lot of friends together & we've done alot of adventureous & fun things in our 26 yrs together. We are both considered well adjusted & successful people in our community. When I learned @ the A... (after having disregarded the signs for @4 minths because he had never given me any reason to distrust him, and I thought he was "too honorable of a man to do such a thing")... I was in shock, as most must be. I thought our marriage was stronger than it really was. In talking with H we realized how much stress & pressure we were both dealing with...and neither of us very well. We own our own business which was struggling for the 1st time in 10yrs. Our 17 yr. old was being very rebellious, we have a disabled son whos health was deteriorating to the point of needing his first major surgery, add a few other things as well, & it was a receipe for disaster! Prior to A we went thru @ a year of withdrawing from each other..not wanting to add anymore burdens to each other, less talking, more independent time...time alone to give each other space...and that opened the door for H's A. When I understood that, it was easier for me not to throw away the 24 yrs that were good. Easier to see that our problems were fixable if he was willing. But it has been hard, because during the time he was w/ OW he convinced himself that what we had was gone for good. He developed strong feelings for OW & pity for her horrible past & guilt for leaving her preg. (supposedly w/ his child... paternity to be done soon. OC was born 3 days ago) So for the 6 mo. since D-Day I feel like I've been selling myself & our life to him, bringing out things @ OW I know he would never be able to live w/ & having to deal with his indecision, and the fact that he isnt sure he loves me enough, and he doesnt want to completely committ because hes afraid of hurting me further in the future. I was so angry at him on Tues when OC was born that we got into a yelling match, and things have been weird since. I know he wants things to work between us if for no other reason than our son. But I dont want him to stay for that. I want him here for ME and he knows it. So just tonight we decided to separate for a while. Im not crazy @ the idea. Some of our most productive talks have been late at nite, & I dont know how people work out their problems if they're not together, but I feel the time is right if we're ever to do it. It makes most sense for me to go, because I am not physically able to care for our son by myself and H is. Also financially it will be better. My friend lives only a few blocks away, and I will take, & p/u kids from school and stay with them till H comes home from work. I wonder so many times like Kelski if in some way Im being disfunctional by not just ending it. I hope it teaches the kids that you can have really serious problems in your life & find a way to work them out, & if you cant at least you did what you could, then you can have peace of mind when you go on w/ your life. So many people cut-&-run when the going gets tough. When I 1st learned of A I stayed w/ same friend overnite. She told me "It will be hard w/ him & it will be hard w/out him, the first thing you should do is try to save your marriage." It was the best advice I got & I feel in trying Im doing the right thing for ME. I think thats how a person lives w/ themself...they do what they think is right for them. For some this may not be the right way, and like Mrs. Job I dont intend to hang-in-there for ever. If I dont see some real effort from him soon I will feel forced into ending things. I hope it doesnt come to that though, because take away the A, & hes a great guy, I was very happy with him, & hope to be again one day. BUt Im smart enough to know too, if we split up, Ill be sad because I know Im losing some very good things that he brought to the marriage, but I can be happy too because Im also losing his bad traits & qualities. You know what they say "Life is 10% what happens to you, & 90% of your attitude toward it." Try to keep a good attitude